"WHO KNEW THIS COULD'VE BEEN THE END."

JUNE 10, 2016 — 20:20 PM

We graduated in Junior year successfully. Taehyun, Beomgyu, Yena, and me. I thought I wouldn't make it past Junior year, considering all the shit that's happened this year. I felt my mental health go haywire, and it's still in an increasing decline. However, maybe it'll go back up when things are over this year—for good.

Today was the last day. I promised myself after this, I'd give us space—I'd give myself space to move on from him and to stop loving him. Recapping on the previous years, I felt like I left myself down. I've never had a successful valentine's day, nor have I ever felt the true love of the dream romance I always thought of. While the only thing I regret is trying to kill myself, I don't regret ever dating Beomgyu.

He showed me an experience I'll never forget, and while I won't break up with him today, who knows what'll be in store for me next year. I'm taking Yena's advice to work on myself and move on, getting ready for the last year of my youth before focusing on getting a job.

The boy laid his head against my lap, playing with the promise ring I gave him. "Yihwa?" I heard, causing me to look down at his pouting lips. I raised my eyebrows, his hand reaching to grab mine. I chuckled as he entangled our fingers together, sighing. We were in the garden again, the one filled with kind butterflies that transformed into soft moths at night. The garden where all pathetic yet important events had splayed across in front of my eyes, my eyes full of gloss or love. "You should build a garden like this."

"Build a garden?" I inquired, narrowing my eyes. "You want me to be an architect?"

"I mean, you have the creative capacity to do it," He explained, looking down at our intertwined hands. "I think you could make gardens like this—one's full of magic and mystical feelings. You could even build towers! You'd make a great architect, just because."

"Well, that... is quite interesting to say," I replied, taken aback by his words. "What do you want to be, Beomgyu?"

"I don't know yet, have any suggestions?" He inquired, smiling slightly at me. "I'll take them into mind because I think you evaluated hyung pretty well. He's majoring in medicine nowadays ever since you told him about it—so I want to see what you have to say about me."

"Hm..." I trailed off, brushing his hair. Beomgyu closed his eyes, a satisfied hum leaving his mouth. "Well, I think you could be into business administration. You could be quite the businessman, I already know."

"I could?" He pointed at himself with his free hand, staring at it. "Well, why? I don't see myself being the businessman you imagine. What would I even do? What would I even invent?"

"It's not about inventing, but you have the personality and feeling for it," I explained, trying to not make it sound like I'm calling him stubborn. "You could put your foot down and be firm, people could respect you easily. If you know what you want to do in business, then you've got the key—just pursue it."

"I see..." He trailed off, getting comfortable on the bench. "Besides that, what college do you want to go to?"

"Oh, I don't know yet..." I knew he'd pop the question eventually, so I had to play dumb for a while. Clearing my throat, I avoided his soft gaze before looking down at him. Composing myself was the best thing I could think of right now. "Where do you want to go?"

"Yonsei University," He whispered barely, playing with my fingers. "Now that you do mention it, I want to go into business—but before that decision, Yonsei has been a dream college for me. I love the school itself, but also its design and programs. I think it'll be best for me to go there if I can go in. Do you want to try applying with me?"

"It wouldn't hurt to try," As long as he applied to Yonsei, I think I'll be fine secretly applying to Seoul National. However, doesn't Yeonjun go to Yonsei? I swear I've heard that before. I wouldn't be surprised if they all went to the same university, but hell, I don't know what school Soobin goes to. "Yeah, I'll apply with you. Any other schools?"

"Probably not," He shrugged. Good, good. "Seoul National is a bit out of my league and not my preference—same with international schools. I think I'll be fine going to Yonsei since it isn't far from our high school either. I can come to visit the garden whenever I can—and maybe we can hang out there together!"

I'm sorry, Beomgyu. I don't think that will happen. I really don't.

"Yeah," I choked out, nodding slightly. "Hopefully, we will."

"Ah, it feels great to be here with you, after leaving Junior year in the dust," He added, softly exhaling. "I love you and I love being here with you. Ever since we met, I had no thought of ever leaving you. Being with you felt... inspiring—like magic. You were the tiny fairy that protected me through everything, and despite our setbacks, I had no genuine thoughts of leaving."

"Such an emotional confession all of a sudden?" I laughed awkwardly, questioning him. "Why are you so emotional all of a sudden? We haven't even left high school yet."

"I just feel... bad for all the shit I've done," He whispered, looking up at me. "I genuinely don't have anything else to say because I've done you wrong so many times—yet you still have the courage to forgive me. I thought I'd lose you after our fight in Jeju even when I caused it—but you didn't. You still had faith in me somehow, and I appreciate you for sticking around."

I'm glad, but it's almost over for us, Beomgyu.

That faith in you is dying quickly, please Beomgyu... change.

"I see..." I trailed off, swallowing the words I wished to scream at him for. "Say, Beomgyu, do you ever... plan on changing?"

"Oh?" He inquired, glancing at me. "In what way?"

"In any way you choose, you name it," I replied, looking away. "Just whatever you want to change, tell me. Tell me everything that's on your mind."

"I don't really have anything I want to change, especially about us being together," He whispered, causing my heart to drop. He still hasn't realized his faults. "Besides, whatever you want me to change, I'll do it. Like my hair, see? I grew it out more, I wanted it to be to your liking."

"I—"

"Whatever you want me to change, Yihwa," He interrupted, tightly squeezing my hand in an attempt to reassure me in some way. "I'll do it. You just tell me what you want to change about me, and I'll do it right away! I want to be the perfect boyfriend for you, not the worst one."

If I changed things about you, you wouldn't be Beomgyu anymore. Stay how you are, Beomgyu—and change to your liking. I don't want to control you anymore.

If I changed you as well, I doubt I'd move on. You'd be a better man, but we don't deserve each other. Let's just move on happily.

"I don't have anything I want to change about you, Beomgyu," I grinned, giggling as I looked at his cute eyes. "You're perfect the way you are. I love you a lot, okay? You deserve the world."

You deserve better than me.

"No, you deserve the world, my love," He whispered, sitting up next to me. He brought me closer with his arm, hugging me as I laid my head against his. "You deserve better than a lot of people, including me. I... hate hurting you. Somehow, I'm good at it and I hate it with all my heart. I'm putting in the effort to try to and make you happier, to change my habits—but it's so hard. I've never dated, I have no experience, and I just want to be better for you."

He wants to be better.

I wish that was true. If he wanted to be better, he would've done it two years ago.

"It's okay," I croaked, nodding slightly as I closed my eyes, trying to stop myself from crying. "Take your time to change. I'll be here, waiting. I've waited years, so this won't be anything different."

"I'm glad you believe that—and I'm glad you love me," He replied, hugging me closer. "I know that it's hard. I know that for both of us, it's tiring to be like this... but I appreciate you and I appreciate the effort you do to keep us together."

I appreciated you too.

"Why are you crying?" Am I? I looked down, touching my eyes with my fingers. Looking at them, there were definitely tears. I guess my thoughts had taken control—and caused me to cry. Who knew changing was such a sad experience. "Are you upset? Do you want to talk about something?"

"No, it's happy tears—I didn't even notice," I chuckled, trying to play it off smoothly. "I guess I'm happy you feel this way—about how tiring we can be sometimes, but how we always put up with it because we love each other. I like hearing about your feelings. I'm also pretty glad the dreadful junior year is over. We don't have to suffer anymore."

"Agreed," He said, helping me wipe my tears. He chuckled as he faced me, hugging me soon after his thumbs swiped my face. "Aw, you're so cute. I love you so much, Yihwa."

"I love you too, Beomgyu," I whispered, smiling at him. Even with the boiling feeling in my stomach saying those words, I'd still say it to reassure him that I did—even though after this, I'd have to lose them. "Could you... kiss me?"

"Why do you want me to kiss you all of a sudden?" He asked, giggling as he pressed his forehead against my softly. So I wouldn't regret not kissing you next time. "Do you miss my lips?"

"You could say that," I chuckled slightly, caressing his cheek. "So, will we kiss or not?"

"Enough talking, then," Before I could respond, his lips attached to mine solemnly, his hands grabbing at my waist to pull me in. I wrapped my arms around his neck, a tear falling out my eye. I could feel it drop to my jeans, my heart shattering into pieces at the genuine feeling of his kiss. Out of all our kisses, this one by far felt the greatest.

Maybe it was because the fewer before felt fake, almost forced by the fact that Yeonjun was around. However, out of the small confessions we had both made, this kiss felt like a goodbye, one that you'd remember for the rest of your life. The way his lips moved was like honey, a dreamy kiss that is far from strong.

It was as if he wanted to tell me something— as if there was something between us that we both have yet to know. Our kisses have always been sickly sweet... but this one... he might've known what I was up to. It was strong enough to make you swoon, yet soft enough to make you want to cry. His arms wrapped close around me, fiddling with the ends of my shirt as he'd gently squeeze it from time to time.

"I love you," He whispered between this kiss as if he hasn't done this many times before. Softly moving away, he kissed my nose. "I love you a lot, Yihwa. I'm a fool for you."

"I love you too, Beomgyu," I whispered, hugging him as he placed his chin against my shoulder. I sighed slightly, wishing this all could be a dream—and that the next day, we'd have a better relationship than this one.

But there was no hope, no dream.

I was not a fool anymore, I can't be one. I needed to move on quickly...

So, goodbye to our love, Beomgyu.

And soon enough,

Goodbye to you.