"IT WAS ALMOST AS IF NOTHING CHANGED."

MARCH 23, 2015 — 15:37 PM

"Your arm cast is off, congrats!" Beomgyu smiled softly, his friends cheering as he started to clap as well. I grinned slightly as well, my grip on his crutches tightening. "We'll see you next week to remove your leg cast, so keep using your crutches."

"Thank you so much," Beomgyu replied, taking his crutches from my hands. At the moment our hands brushed against each other, his eyes tried to meet mine—but I had already looked away. I still couldn't... talk to him. Gulping, all of us let Beomgyu go first, then the four boys who trailed after him loudly—then me.

Thanking the doctors, they patted my back, waving me off as we left the center. Yeonjun swung his car keys, whistling as we walked to his car. Suddenly turning around, the two at the front flinched, Yeonjun laughing at them. "You guys are so funny. Anyway, now that Beomgyu doesn't have to sit in a wheelchair anymore, where should we go?! You know, a little celebration."

Everyone immediately looked at the confused Beomgyu, the cute boy shrugging as he scratched his head. His pout was cute as he looked at his four friends, my eyes scattering across them. "I don't know... Yihwa!"

I felt the shock within me, but I didn't flinch. I exchanged glances with Beomgyu, immediately putting my gaze on the floor. It was quite pathetic to see one foot stumbling across the ground, trying to walk over to me—but then again, I caused it. I'm pretty sure he gave Yeonjun his crutches, his hands wrapping around my neck. "Your um... hair tie."

"Right," I hushed, taking it off my wrist before passing it to him, keeping my head low. I heard the murmuring of the four boys behind him, Beomgyu fiddling with my hair like he always did.

"So, love—" I haven't heard that pet name in a while. I was ecstatic to have heard it, but I didn't react as I normally would. "—Where would you like to go? I don't really know where to go, so I kind of need your input." He softly cooed.

I licked my lips, staring at his cast. He noticed immediately, lifting my face so that we'd meet eyes. He finished tying my hair, my eyelids falling heavy as I continued to blink. He leaned forward, kissing me on the cheek before insinuating a little something into my ear. "Remember that you look so pretty with your hair tied. Keep it up more often."

He leaned away, watching my eyes again. "So, where do we go, Yi-Yi?"

I needed space. I wouldn't breathe.

"I'm going to go to the library, so decide on your own," I muttered, causing all of them to frown, especially Beomgyu. "I'll take a taxi home, so um... please decide amongst yourselves and have fun."

"Yi-Yi—"

"Have a nice afternoon," I interrupted, bowing immediately as I grasped tight on my crossbody. Spinning around, I walked away, biting down hard on my lower lip until it bled. Tears almost, and I certainly do mean almost, fled from my eyes. Walking was going to be a treacherous journey, but if it meant that I could try to get some thoughts straight, I'd do it.

When he woke up in the hospital bed, the first thing he did was say that he forgave me. For whatever reason he should've at that moment, he told me "I forgive you, I love you." I wish I knew why. I wondered what went through his head the days that he was countlessly asleep, dreaming of god knows what.

He told me to get rest. I still couldn't look him in his eye—whether it was because of his head bandage or because I was swimming in guilt, I just couldn't. I knew that I'd make a mistake telling him I loved him, but I did. I should've, maybe we wouldn't be so awkward. However, when I saw the happy glint in his eyes talking to his friends, it didn't feel the same when he was talking with me.

I knew I had permanently left a scar on him.

He's trying to make me feel less guilty, but he and I knew I dealt the most damage.

His smile trying to feed me with his unbroken arm, his smile when I helped him up from his bed and moved him around the hospital... it was something of love. However, after all, I've done, I couldn't give him one back. I don't find myself smiling these days, the passion to do anything else but study. I've passed all my current exams, but at what cost? It was getting hard to breathe in the library after I'd been there every day.

"Yihwa," I heard from my left, causing me to instantly look the voice's way. There Yeonjun's car was, slowly driving down the road next to me. Beomgyu was the one who called out my name, his face with a frown as he reached out his hand. "Get in the car. We'll drive you to the library."

"It's okay," I reassured instantly, shaking it off as I stared at the sidewalk, continuing my stride. "Just go have fun. Maybe they can take you out to eat—" I was going to say his name, but I choked on it.

"He doesn't want to go anywhere without you, that's the problem," Soobin rolled down the window, waving to me from the passenger seat. "So, just get in. We both know you aren't going to the library." I stopped, watching as the wheels had stopped as well. My eyes flickered to a smiling Yeonjun, patting the wheel as he beckoned to the back.

So, I slowly walk closer to the car, Beomgyu grabbing my bag through the window as he scooted over. Taehyun sat on the other side of Beomgyu, watching me closely with sad eyes. He was the only one who knew what happened that day. The day I sat outside the window, almost ready to jump out of it. I guess I'm a little glad he saved me, but I do wish I didn't contemplate it as much.

Opening the car door, I bowed my head to fit inside. Closing the door behind me, I took a seat, putting on my seatbelt as Beomgyu reached over to close the window. Licking my lips again as I swallowed my words, I kept my stare outside the window. Just as Yeonjun started to drive, Beomgyu placed his head against my chest, my eyes fixating on the top of his head.

On the top of his head—the crown of his head—was a small scratch, a scar that must've come from the accident. So, to avoid any more of my thoughts, I glanced away and back out at the passing scenery.

"I love you...Yi-Yi," I heard him whisper, his head snuggling closer as he intertwined his left hand with mine. I wish I could say it.

I love you too, Beommie.

I sat down with them in the restaurant, the bustling amount of chatter and waiters passing by reminds me that I should get a job soon. I sat between Beomgyu and Soobin, Taehyun sitting in front of me. My phone buzzed, causing me to sneak a glance at it.

Taehyun texted me. Come outside for a second with me. I looked at him for a quick second, seeing his reassuring glance. So, I nodded, moving out of the booth as he did the same.

"Woah, where are you both going?" Beomgyu immediately inquired, pulling my hand. Taehyun put his hand on both of ours, Beomgyu gazing up with confusion in his eyes before Taehyun pushed his hand from mine. "Huh?"

"We're just going outside, I need to borrow something from her," Taehyun smiled reassuringly, grabbing my hand instead. "Order a blooming onion, you know, for your girlfriend."

"She likes those?" Beomgyu hummed, tapping his lips before switching gazes. "Babe, do you want a blooming onion?" I do, but I'd rather get out of here asap to talk to Taehyun. So, I nodded, Beomgyu smiling before he nodded as well. "Okay, then. Come back soon—I'll order one just~ for you."

I couldn't even say anything because Taehyun had already pulled me from the restaurant, both of us going to the car and talking behind it—which I'm guessing was so they couldn't see us. Taehyun sighed frustratingly, biting his lower lip before handing me chapstick. "Your lip is bleeding, fix it," He whispered, allowing me to grab it. "In exchange, give me hyung's lighter."

I gulped, slowly pulling out Beomgyu's yellow lighter, putting it into Taehyun's palm. Just as I applied the chapstick, Taehyun had chucked the lighter out of his grasp—and into the fountain of the restaurant. My eyes widened, the chapstick falling out of my hand. I went to go get it—when Taehyun pulled me back.

"You don't need it," Taehyun gritted his teeth, causing me to gulp. "Are you really going to let a lighter be the symbol of you and hyung's love? Hell, what is even up with you two? You both haven't fought in almost a month, that it became quite shocking. However, when you seemed to keep your mouth shut the whole ride, I knew something was up. Are you still stuck on the suicide thing?"

I thought you'd all like it if we stopped fighting, but suddenly you say it's weird. Make up your mind.

"No," I instantly said, my eyes flickering between the drowning lighter nowhere to be found. "I'm not."

"Is that all you have to say, for fuck's sake?"

"What else do you want me to say, Kang Taehyun?" I whispered with hurt, my eyes staring at the fountain. "Do you want me to say "Oh, I feel like killing myself because I almost caused my boyfriend to do the same. I almost caused his friends immense heartbreak because I was being such a rude bitch." Is that what you want me to say?"

He's speechless, my teeth immediately going back to biting my lip. "Fuck you," I insinuated, running over to the fountain.

"Yihwa, wh—" He paused as I took off my sneakers and my socks, searching through the fountain for the yellow lighter Beomgyu gave me. Hopefully, it'll work when it comes out. Please, please... work when it comes out. I don't want the dancing lady to die. "Yihwa, you're getting yourself wet!"

I heard the restaurant doors opened, my eyes instantly getting watery as I couldn't find the lighter. "Yihwa!" Voices yelled, but I couldn't care less. All I wanted was that lighter in my pocket, in my palms, to have the lady dancing again in front of my eyes. She was a beautiful flame, she didn't deserve this.

Someone tried to pull me out, but I simply yanked off their hands. Trying to find who Taehyun was with my blurry sight, I sniffled. "Why did you throw it in here? Why... why did you drown the lighter?" I cried, tightening the hair tie's grip on my hair before searching for the lighter again.

"Yihwa," I heard Beomgyu stress, sighing heavily. "The lighter isn't worth it—"

"It may not be worth it to you, but it's worth it to me," I choked, swallowing my tears. "It meant a lot to me, a lot to us—because at least it shows me that you still love me."

I saw Beomgyu's eyes soften, his grip on the edge of the fountain retracting back to his crutches. "Yihwa..." I spotted it just at the other side of the fountain, almost falling on my face. "Be careful!" I grabbed the lighter, sniffling as I flicked the spin wheel.

It didn't light up.

So, I did it again and again, again and again until my thumb had turned a light red from the pressure of the metal, my tears pooling up before streaming down my face.

She didn't light up. I wanted to get her fixed. I don't want her to die. I almost lost Beomgyu, I couldn't lose my flame.

The flame that embodied that our love may still be worth it.