"WAS IT HARD FOR YOU TO LOVE ME?"

APRIL 6, 2017 — 12:32 PM

Scanning papers, I hummed softly. Taehyun and Yena were with me in the teacher's lounge, all of us grading projects and exams that Ms. Kang had given out. She didn't want us in her classroom because her present class wouldn't shut up over us being in there and distracting them during their exam, so we left.

We weren't even talking, either. We just eyed each other and communicated through our eyes. I guessed the students just didn't like us or whatever. Either way, they must not like seniors. Are they scared of us because they're freshmen? They could be scared of Yena and me, but not that sweetheart Taehyun. I'd be surprised that nobody swooned over him.

"Can one of you play music?" Yena suddenly asked, causing Taehyun and I to turn her way. "It's oddly too quiet here. I don't like it."

"I can—" My phone rang, causing me to groan. Taehyun and Yena snickered, shaking their heads at me as Beomgyu's name popped up on the screen. "Nevermind. Give me a second—" I paused, hitting the "answer" button. "Hell—"

"YANG YIHWA!" It sounded like he was on speaker, Yena and Taehyun flinching as I stared at my phone, unamused. I sighed before placing my phone to my ear, grumbling to myself. "Where are you!? Have you eaten lunch yet?! I know you've been overworking yourself, so don't you dare say yes and lie to me!"

Yena snorted, covering her mouth as I glared at her instantly. "Seems like someone isn't staying healthy—man, to have a boyfriend that actually cares about his girlfriend's health... sigh..."

"Right?" Taehyun and Yena mocked me, my eyes switching between the two as an eye twitched. Sharply inhaling, I chuckled through my exhale, blinking in anger as I turned back around to the scanner.

"I already ate—"

"CUT THE BULLSHIT AND COME TO THE CAFETERIA!"

"No."

"...Please?" I could tell his pleading eyes were out, a soft pout on his face as he continued to play desperate. "Please... Yihwa?" I knew he'd do it, say my name like it's his last word. It was weak as always, my name cooed out as he meant it. My weakness was when he said it like that, but maybe this would be the perfect time to practice my invulnerability.

"Beomgyu, you can't just beg and think I'll succumb to your every plead," I sighed, hearing Taehyun and Yena hiss from the burn. They laughed at each other, hitting each other as they listened in. "I'm not hungry, and I already ate—for real. Please don't call me now until after the lunch period, I'm busy. Thanks. B—"

"Yihwa, do you not love me anymore?" His words caused me to pause, unable to hit the "end call" button on my phone. I froze up, my heart beating miles a minute as Yena gasped. I placed my phone back to my ear, swallowing words. "Are you still upset about what happened on my birthday? Do you have someone else you'd like to date? What is it!?"

"Beomgyu," I replied easily, trying not to fight with these two here. "Can't we talk about this some other time? I really am busy, and I don't want to fight with you again and again. It's tiring me out."

"Is that why you don't love me anymore?"

"I never said that, Beomgyu—"

"Come outside of the teacher's lounge," His voice was firm, almost scaring me. I slowly turned to the door of the teacher's lounge, seeing his tall figure holding his phone. "We need to talk."

"And what if I don't want to talk, Beomgyu?" I whispered, questioning as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"What?"

"What if I... don't want to get yelled at anymore?" I whispered, almost inaudibly. "What if I don't want to fight nor argue, nor create turmoil between us? What if I want to stop being sick of hearing myself being called a bitch and get degraded? What then, Beomgyu?"

He's silent, watching me as I glared back at him. I swallowed my words, my hands sweating as the phone felt hot. I was sick of being pushed around, even when it didn't feel like I was. I didn't want to revert to the Yihwa from sophomore year, and I don't think I ever will. However, I couldn't let myself go so easily. I still wanted to be strong yet still kind.

"...Yihwa?" Taehyun and Yena synchronized, easing closer as they looked out at Beomgyu as well. "Are you okay? What's going on—"

"What then, Beomgyu?" I repeated myself, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Are you..." Trailing off, he squeezed his phone tight. "Are you insinuating that you want to break up with me?"

"I'm insinuating that I'm sick of fighting with you—and if that means we can't date because we choose to continuously fight, then yes—" I paused, closing my eyes. "—I want to break up with you."

"You're not breaking up with me," He instantly said, causing me to furrow my eyebrows. "No way in hell... after you saved me from that woman... after you kissed me in February... after you stuck with me for four fucking years, Yihwa... there's no way in hell you're serious about leaving me."

"Yihwa, maybe you should—"

"I'm ending the call," He was right. I was a coward. I couldn't break up with him on the spot, I knew better. We wasted four years together, how could I break up with him in this condition? It was depressing knowing that I was still unsure, even after I was sure I decided to tear him apart—yet even when I know I'd tear him apart eventually...

It would be tearing myself apart too.

"Well, even if you aren't proud of yourself, I'm proud of you," Soobin ruffled my hair, passing me a drink. I rolled my eyes, biting my lip in indecisiveness. "You stuck up for yourself, which is a great example of breaking free from a bad relationship."

"I don't think we're that bad, though, Soobin," I replied, pouting as he turned my way. I leaned against the railing, exhaling softly. "It's not like he's abusive nor am I too. We don't cuss at each other every single day, humiliating each other on purpose. It's not like he and I cheated on each other—we're just... not the right puzzle pieces."

"Hm, I suppose—but you both lack qualities that could help make it a better relationship. Or no, well—let me rephrase that," He hummed in disapproval, placing his finger on his lips. "You don't lack them, perse, but you choose not to put in the effort to find those qualities. You guys fight but never choose to make up. You guys cuss each other out, yet never choose to apologize. You blame and victimize, but never seem to tell each other the truth."

I continued to listen, my arms against the slightly warm railing as we stared at the city lights. "Again, I'm just glad you've made up your mind. How are you feeling these days? You know, after Beomgyu's birthday party, after today's fight, after seeing Yeonjun again at the mall..."

"How do you know about that?" I instantly faced him, raising an eyebrow. He chuckled, shrugging. "Did Yeonjun see me and Yena hanging out?"

"...Perhaps."

"Then why didn't he come to say hi!?"

"You forget that he's still trying to move on from you, girl," Soobin shook his head, causing me to perk up. "He was on a blind date. He's almost moved on, but when he saw you out of the corner of his eye with Yena, it was overwhelming. I can't believe you find yourselves closer again whenever you're just about to forget each other. Chaos seems to always ensure like that."

"It's been almost a year, though!?"

"Do you think moving on is easy?" He questioned, chuckling at me. "You're still going to love Beomgyu even when you both have split—and you're going to feel the same way Yeonjun hyung is feeling right now. The moving on stage is the hardest stage—aka, acceptance."

"What is this? The five stages of grief?" I awkwardly laughed, seeing Soobin completely serious about his words. So, I instantly stopped laughing, becoming stiff under his stare. "Okay, then, Mr. Serious—what stage are we on now?"

"Stage 4, Depression," He recited off his head, offering his hand. "I am supposed to be your guide, but I think the short period where you feel like shit is over. You're going to feel it again, maybe—but I think you've pleasantly moved past that depression stage faster than ever. Well, you haven't grieved, but it's a great example of each of the stages."

"It's nice to know that you're the one guiding me."

"I won't be for long."

"Huh?" I widened my eyes.

"You've completely passed your sad and depressive stage, so why should I stay around? Besides, you and I both have exams coming up. I can't hang out with you much longer," Soobin shrugged, raking his hair as he sighed. "I've already given my advice which you humbly took. There is no need for me to stick around and play therapist when you've already therapized yourself."

"Are you ghosting me?" I frowned, almost tearing up. "You said you wouldn't ghost me, you bitch. You said you'd be my big brother figure until the time comes."

"That time is now," He sighed, grabbing both of my hands. "Besides, I said I'd give you a heads up when I say goodbye for a while. When you've matured, when you feel like you've accepted the choices at hand... I will reappear in front of you..."

"Happily," We synchronized, Soobin nodding as he gave me a small smile. I pouted as he embraced me, a sniffle leaving his nose as it was another goodbye well done. "Don't worry, the time will come when we meet again. I don't regret being your big brother figure now—and also, I won't regret it in the future."

"I'll miss you, Soobin. You better work hard on your exams, okay?" I nudged him slightly, causing Soobin to chuckle wholeheartedly. He wiped his tears with his thumbs, nodding slightly as he looked down at me. "If you don't, I'm going to call you to come to be my therapist again."

"Oh gosh, please no," Soobin joked, causing me to roll his eyes. "You better go through with your plan, okay? I don't know how far away Hanyang may be from the university you want to go to, but I'll drive miles, fly several planes, and float on planets just to see you grow."

"I'm human, Soobin, not an alien," I joked, sniffling as I wiped my tears. "Go now, if we keep this up, I"m going to be sobbing when you get in your car and leave."

"Okay, okay," He sighed, hugging me one last time. "Goodbye, Yang Yihwa. Call me to update me soon! Remember me, too—or else I'll haunt you for the rest of your life."

"Okay, loser," I waved, seeing him slowly back away. Just before he's about to turn around, I remembered something. "Wait, Soobin!"

He paused, raising an eyebrow as he faced me again. I jogged over, my hand out in front of him. His eyebrow raised, even more, looking down at my hand as I sighed. "Do you..." I trailed off, licking my lips. "...Still have those cigarettes?"

The grin grew on his face, taking it out of his jean jacket pocket as he placed it in my hands. "Thanks," I mumbled, unable to look him in the eye.

"No problem, spend them when you feel like it," Soobin nodded, patting my shoulder. "Now, I'll be off. Bye~"

"Bye!"

As he left the terrace, I felt like all of my worries have weighed down on me again. He was indeed my therapist, but I felt a bit glad that he's gone. He's right, I'll have to accept things. As I stared down at the cigarette box, I sighed.

I might use this soon.