"BUT I STILL WANT YOU."

FEBRUARY 14, 2014 — 8:05 AM

Today was Valentine's Day. Beomgyu and I have been getting along well—but he still struggled with his jealousy problems. He promised me he'd control himself better—but I doubted that just as well as I doubted my notoriety as I dated him. To be surprised, I was more well known for being friends with Yeonjun than I was dating Beomgyu. It felt a little weird.

However, I made Beomgyu a gift! It was a cute bracelet, one with his name on it with the spare beads I bought from the store near my house. My mom was a bit happy seeing me happy—considering that the past days were hell over all the times Beomgyu decided to yell at me. Anywho, I'm already inside the school, trying to find Beomgyu.

As soon as I saw Soobin and Yeonjun—I already concluded that Beomgyu and Taehyun are there too. As soon as I'm about to say something, Beomgyu exited the classroom, going to his locker. I hid behind the crowd, wanting to surprise him. 

Soon enough—my heart fell to the floor as soon as he opened his locker, love notes piling out of his locker and to the floor. I gulped as Soobin's, Taehyun's, and Yeonjun's were all the same—but they didn't matter. Beomgyu's was the only one that did—and it seemed like my cheap bracelet wouldn't do him shit.

Another girl went up to him—and while I couldn't hear the conversation, she handed him a bracelet—one more expensive, prettier than mine. So, I just shoved the bracelet in my coat pocket, the letter as well. Happy one month to us, I guess.

I backtracked, retracting from the previous location as I swung down the stairs. Bumping into someone in the process, we both fell back from one another, broken cookies fallen to the floor as I gasped. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry—Oh, Sanha?"

He blinked, pushing up his glasses as he stiffly smiled. "Haha, hi, Yihwa!" He greeted, awkwardly scratching his head. "Don't worry about the cookies, they were for you anyways... They tasted bad too, so many let's just clean this up and—"

"They were for me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "What for?"

"Uh..." He trailed off, gulping. "I really just wanted to repay you for your kindness these days—so I made you cookies and wrote you a thank-you note." Passing me the letter, I wasn't stupid—he was going to give me something for Valentine's day. That's so kind, but I shouldn't let Beomgyu know about this... he'll freak.

"I'm sorry, you probably got the hint, too..." Sanha sighed in frustration, holding his head as I helped him recollect the fallen chocolate chip cookies. I spared him a glance, but as he threw his cookies in the trash, I felt guilty. He must've tried really hard to make those for me... agh... "I... I really like you, Yihwa..."

My eyes widened as I froze, the cookie falling straight into the trash can with a bam! 

He liked me?! My chest felt tight—almost like I was physically restrained in my spot. I felt like I was going to throw up, throw up all the feelings I had felt in the same position he was once in. After all, we were parallels of each other—Sanha had watched me afar the same way I used to watch Beomgyu afar.

It was shocking to know that Sanha liked me—but after all, I should've expected it. Puppy love was something indescribable, and I knew he wasn't going to be the only one experiencing it. "Ah, you're probably, really, really shocked!" He exclaimed, covering his mouth slightly. "I'm sorry, I know you're dating him, I just needed closure—"

"It's okay," I inhaled sharply, swallowing the burns in my throat. I was going to die. "Don't worry, I understand why you needed closure, it's understandable—but I'm sorry too, I don't—"

"I know you don't like me back, don't worry, Yihwa!" He laughed it off, patting my back before beckoning to the letter. "Read it when you want to—or don't. Just know um...I always like you... not as a friend, as a woman."

I frowned in pity, seeing his sad smile as he picked up his books.

"You...what?" I heard, causing me to instantly turn around. It's almost as if the shock ran through me again, the burn in my throat releasing itself back in me. The small effort to keep this a secret from Beomgyu...was all in vain. "You like...my girlfriend?"

Sanha had dropped his things, Beomgyu seeing red as he immediately ran down the steps. People were watching, gasping as Beomgyu had almost caught Sanha. I grabbed Beomgyu from the front, the boy's arms flailing as he accidentally hit me multiple times. "You motherfucker, what the fuck do you mean you like my girlfriend—WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Beomgyu, stop YELLING!" I hushed, wincing as he accidentally kicked me in the knee. I hissed, still keeping my stance as I pushed him against the wall. "Please, shit, calm down—"

"YOU'RE GOING TO LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT?!" He yelled straight in my face, my eyes closing as his hand is raised high in the air. "DO YOU LIKE HIM BACK!?"

"No, god, no—"

He cursed loudly, turning around as he hit the wall. His knuckles bruised up immediately, the boy sighing in frustration. "FUCK!" Sanha's already gone—and I'm kind of glad. He'll never be messing with me again—and while I'm upset about it, he should be far away from Beomgyu and safe from him. It would never work out.

His face is mixed with anger, betrayal, rage—but even with that happened, the guilt in me grew. I was sweating, unable to look anyone in the eye. It was eating me up—not only did I get the popular freshman suspended for the rest of the year, but I also got him into fighting trouble. I really hate myself, damn it.

I kept sparing glances at an angry Beomgyu, who overpowered me with every stare. He had already turned back around, his fists clenched as I had them restrained against the wall. I was shaky—where should I have looked?

The ground?

His shoes? 

His belt? 

His torso?

I couldn't look him in the eye, no—No. I couldn't—I'd lose it and cry. Don't cry, you'll be fine. Yihwa, breathe—or you're going to choke. BREATHE!

I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't—

"Yihwa, look at me—you're okay," I heard—and as I re-entered the public space, I felt tears falling from my eyes. I gulped as I brushed my eye, staring at the unfallen tear that seemed to hang on like a hook. Beomgyu slightly pushed up my chin, his dark orbs staring right into mine with worry. His thumbs grazed under my eyes, kissing my forehead as his arms started to drag—and before I knew it, his arms held me close. "You're okay—I'm sorry for yelling..."

"It's okay," I gulped, fixing my backpack as I let go of him. Pushing off his fingers, I still can't look him in the eye, picking up Sanha's things—including the note. The bracelet wiggled in my pocket—and moving around a little more, the lighter is still there. I should've kept you at home.

"Happy Valentine's, by the way—" I somehow choked out, standing back up in a stiff stance. Taking one good look at him, he's frozen too. So, I gave him the love note from me, the boy looking down swiftly as he read the envelope name.

"And happy one month."

I sat in the garden, checking the time.

11 PM. You shouldn't be out at this time.

What if you get kidnapped?

I'd prefer to be kidnapped than live another day as Yang Yihwa. I frowned, toying with the lighter in my pocket. However, there were no streetlights in my vicinity—it was dead dark, only the moths keeping me company as it shuffled and flown up above. So, I gently pulled out his lighter, pressing against the spark wheel.

It sparkled against the flint, the fire instantly lighting up around me. I stared at it as it danced with the window, its hands reaching out only for its body to move the other way. She was a beautiful spirit, a gorgeous spark.

I wish I could be the small, dancing flame—she lived concealed inside fuel, waiting for her time to shine. However, with a light push, she had been extinguished, the wind pushing her too hard that she had to hide back in her home. I wish she had known that she could've fought harder against the wind—and maybe he would've gone away.

However, the greater force is always scarier—even when you have strength, power, confidence... when the storm comes blowing in, the first thing most people do is run. I'd do that, too. It's what I've always done. So, I let go of the spark wheel, blowing it once more in case she decided to peer out from her door.

"Do you still have it?" I heard from behind me, daggers stared into my back as I watched at the bright color on his lighter. 

"Have what?" I inquired quietly, rubbing the plastic. "The bracelet?"

"Yes," He replied briefly—and for a second, I think his hand was out for it. "Give it to me."

"Why?" I chuckled, putting the lighter closer to my face. "Didn't like the 500-dollar one she gave you?"

"Don't pull that—" He scoffed in disbelief, almost laughing. "—You're my girlfriend for hell's sake, I already returned it to her the moment she gave it to me. All those presents, all those letters would mean nothing if they're not from you."

He's manipulating you.

He's lying to you. Don't deny it.

Kai's right.

No, he's trying his best. Let him try.

"That's nice to hear," I mumbled, clearing my throat. "So, would you wear it if I gave it to you?"

"Of course," He mumbled without hesitation, basically pleading for me to hand it over. "I'll wear it everywhere with me—so please, please—just give it to me."

I slowly blinked, admiring the spark wheel before I placed it back in my pocket. Fiddling with the bracelet in my pocket, I took it out—taking one last look before scooting and turning towards a standing Beomgyu.

Before I could've said anything else, his hand slid up my neck, lifting my chin as he slammed his lips on mine. His other hand swung behind me to the nape of my neck, pushing me closer as the butterflies charge through me.

It was like an uncanny war—I'd let him dominate me, I had no choice in thinking otherwise. However, that snowy day in December recited itself in my mind. His kisses were sweet, cherry-scented from his usual chapstick. I didn't know why I always let him overtake me like this, it was unhealthy—but hell, did I love it more than I should.

For a second, I could feel his fingers twisting the hairs behind me, his hand that was propped on my chin soon moving to my cheek. It felt...relieving, almost like he was taking away all my struggles, all my concerns, and removing them from my life. He was good at that kind of stuff, I won't lie—his love language stayed within touching, kissing, hugging... it was scary how skilled he was at it.

It was like he was antsy kissing me—like he wanted to do it for a while. It was itching at me, too—I've wanted to kiss him too. His kisses are sweet, reassuring. He, himself—Beomgyu—was so, so reassuring. It's too bad his flaws almost overcame his perfection.

He exhaled against my lips, the smell of mint gum immediately leaving his mouth. His hands feel sweaty as if he was troubled. Holding my face in the palm of his anxious hands, he kissed my forehead, placing his chin on my head. "I love you."

"I love you too," The words had slipped off easier than I intended, opening my once-clutched fist to show him the bracelet. "Here—you wanted it."

He grabbed it immediately, slipping it onto his wrist. He shined it into the night sky, giggling as he jumped around. "I love it so much! Thank you—for loving me."

I raised an eyebrow, seeing him become sentimental once more. "Thank you for loving me, for staying with me, for being here..." He trailed off, bending down to meet my eye level. "And thank you... for putting up with me. I love you, so, so much."

I was speechless, watching him as he kept complimenting the bracelet. It was as if every theory I made up beforehand was thrown out the window—as he sucked it all away from me and I'm here—swooning over him just like I did in this garden before.

"I'll take you home—I don't want your parents wondering if you're missing."

It was almost as if his offered hand meant something. Like making a deal with the devil—what would happen if I didn't take it? Would I have suffered more than I did before? Or would I be relieved from all the prior pain I had?

But, the chances of not taking his hand were slim—because I did. I intertwined my hands with him, standing up in silence as he took me back home as he promised.

I knew this risk, I knew that I made a deal.

But I didn't regret it as much as I previously did.