Si Seann

•••

The sun has risen and finally warming the world. There's this small restaurant near the entrance that sells breakfast, lunch, dinner and other food essentials. We ordered tapsilog which is unquestionably cheap with big serving. We also asked to serve it outside with overlooking view of the mountains...finally having a nice relaxing breakfast.

"Anong oras tayo uuwi? Hanggang 1pm lang tayo rito 'di ba?" she asked, I nodded.

Her eyes were blushing, her lips slightly pouted. I was just looking at her maybe a little too intense while drinking my coffee, while she was eating, I was watching her chew gently like she's a food critique, eager to know the taste of what she got served.

I was so into staring at her but she haven't notice yet...or she does? I never really imagine that I could meet her again...akala ko hanggang internship lang ang pagtagpong iyon, but destiny is a mysterious force that none can comprehend.

Who would have thought that she managed to have her own business...the thing she often say she wanted. That teenage girl had become this successful young woman. She doesn't even age, she still looks the same...the way she looked back when I entered that storage room during our internship. She doesn't care much about clothes...she just likes it neat and simple, and she hates brushing her chest level hair...not some girls who do their hair every damn minute, and though she isn't as attractive as she might be, but she's an eye catcher. Can steal glances. May not be the best-looking girl I've seen but definitely in the top three of my list.

Time is indeed a funny thing, nothing seemed to change but suddenly everything was different.

"So, anong oras?" she asked, got me distracted.

"After natin ma-digest 'yong kinain natin...uuwi na tayo."

"Sana tumigil 'yong oras, noh? Ayoko pa kasi umuwi, gusto ko pa magrelax!"

"Ha, hindi mo kayang gawin 'yon...time is everything we have and don't."

She let out a big sigh. Hindi ko na tinanong kung para saan ang buntong hininga na iyon...kahit ako naman, I would love to stay here longer, but time is everything I have and don't. A second goes by, a minute, an hour, a day; slowly and gradually, time keeps on slipping from my fingers until...I'll run out of time and come to an inevitable end. When that day comes, I won't be able to do anything about it other than look back with no regrets.

And I think that's the beauty of time, once you've lost it, there's no regaining it. Nothing in this world can give you back your time. And the funny part is, even though we all know we're never getting it back, we spend it so carelessly, as if it's worth nothing.

I have done nothing my entire life but wait for something...wait for the right time for something...I thought it would never came...but then, there's her.

She's a mess of gorgeous chaos, and I can see it in her eyes. She's strong but she's exhausted. She's damaged, but she's a keeper. She just needs to be loved a little different, reassured a little more.

"Kakainin mo pa ba 'yan? Masama magsayang ng pagkain...lalo na kapag kanin...madaming magsasaka nagkaka-kuba-kuba r'yan tapos hindi nababayaran ng tama...tapos sasaying mo lang?" sabi niya na nagtataray...para bang kapag inubos ko iyon ay mababayaran na ang mga magsasaka ng tama.

Isang ngiting ngisi ang aking ginawa. Wala naman akong sinabi pa at kumain na lang din.

Pansamantala kaming namahinga at sumukob sa isang malaking puno. Naupo kami sa malaking bato na kaunti ang agwat sa may bangin. It's just me, her, and the sun.

I looked at her like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. She's in deep awe from the scenery...eyes blushing like a twinkling star, mouth half open and mouthing 'wow'. It's like how I saw her watching the jellyfishes in the ocean park...the paintings in the museum...I don't have the exact words to name it, but what I feel for her doesn't have a name.

She is some magic, some chaos and a bit of poetry. She's a beautiful someone, and the best part of it was, I wasn't even looking when I found her.

"Polsci, sa tingin mo ba may tamang oras para sa isang bagay mula sa isang hindi magandang desisyon?" she asked.

"Yeah, may mga tamang oras para i-tama ang isang maling desisyon. Why? Hinahanap ka na ba ng magulang mo?"

"Buti pa nga 'yong kape, eh, mainit man o malamig, hinahanap hanap pa rin...ako hindi na yata."

Pinitas niya ang isang ligaw na bulaklak sakaniyang harapan at sinimulan ang pagtanggal sa mga talulot nito.

"Bakit hindi mo ngayon ilabas lahat ng mapait mong saloobin? I may not be good at advices pero magkwento ka lang, makikinig ako." I said, reassuring her.

"Ang dami ko kasing iniisip...mga bagay bagay na hindi ko maintindihan ta's nagpapasama ng loob ko..."

"Like what?"

"Like...ano...parang...naiinggit ako sa ibang mga bata na tumatakbo sa kanilang mga magulang sa tuwing may problema sila. Minsan tinatanong ko kung ano ang pakiramdam ng umiyak sa braso ng isang nanay habang sinasabi sa kanya ang mga bagay na ikinagagalit mo? Dahil lumaki akong inililihim ang problema ko, nagkukulong sa kwarto at umiiyak ng tahimik. Lumaki ako nang hindi nila alam na malungkot ang kanilang anak sa gabi. May mga gabing iniisip ko na sana mamatay na lang si papa para masaya na buhay namin...kasi iniisip ko na siya 'yong masama. Siya 'yong kontrabida. Na kapag nawala na siya, 'yong oras magbibigay na sa akin ng sapat. Maaayos ang lahat sa tamang oras."

Hindi ako umimik...pinakinggan ko lang siya. Nakaupo lang ako ng tahimik...yakap yakap ko ang aking tuhod...pinagmamasdan ang paligid. Nag-iisip din ng salitang puwede kong sabihin sa kaniya na maaaring magpakalma sa kaniya.

"Hindi naman talaga ako okay, kinakaya ko lang talaga lahat kasi wala akong choice. Kaso kasi...alam mo 'yon...nakakasawa rin...iyong tipong binigay mo na lahat pero masusumbatan ka pa rin? I would understand kung minsanan lang eh, pero palagi? Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod...nakakapagod din mapagod...pero kailangan mo na lang manahimik at tanggapin 'yon...okay lang 'yon. Okay lang."

I gaze at her, She had screwed up her eyes, as if she found the sunshine too bright. But she kept on looking onward...too focus.

"Alam mo, polsci, palagi kong naiisip na napakaraming tao ang naglalakad sa planetang ito na may layunin sa kanilang mga mata, ngunit sa kanilang mga puso ay alam nila na ang kanilang buhay ay isang kasinungalingan lamang. Ang alarm tutunog kapag sumasapit ang alasais ng umaga; Tulad ng bawat ibang araw, para makapasok sila sa isang trabahong kinasusuklaman nila, dahil kailangan nilang magbayad. Ang ginagawa lang naman ng oras ay kumuha mula sa kanila, tila hindi marunong magbigay. Laging naghihintay na dumating ang araw na sa wakas ay magsisimula na silang mabuhay. Takot na takot ako na balang araw, magiging katulad din ako ng iba. Sumusunod na lamang sa agos ng mga tao dahil inapi na ang mga pangarap ko. Na balang araw magbabalik tanaw ako sa buhay, sa mga pagkakataong pinalampas ko, at mapagtanto na hindi talaga ako nabuhay...ang ginawa ko lamang ay huminga. At sabihin sa sarili ko na ayos lang 'yon, wala dapat pagsisihan. Ayos lang...okay lang...kahit hindi talaga okay ang maging okay lang palagi." she blurted.

"Boang," I interjected, She slowly turned her gaze towards me, likely glaring dahil siguro sa sinabi ko.

"Panira ka, noh?" aniya.

I just shrugged and smirked.

"It's just that...look around you. How many people do you think are settling? Probably a hell of a lot! People settle into okay relationships, okay jobs, okay friends, and an okay life. Why? Because okay is comfortable. Okay pays the bills and provides food on the table and a warm bed at night. Some people are fine with okay, and guess what? That's okay. But okay is not thrilling, it isn't passion, it's not life-changing or unforgettable. Okay is not the reason you risk absolutely everything you've got for the smallest chance that something absolutely amazing could happen. Ask yourself, you also took a risk. It may not be okay, but I bet it was absolutely amazing." I said, then gave out a sly smile.

"Pffft! Yeah, yeah, yeah! But it's just that I'm sad, hurt, angry, mad, and disappointed...mostly sa magulang ko. But you know what? I'll put on a smile and move on. It will hurt, but I will survive."

"Yes, but in case you forgot, I'll let you remember that you are enough. Every morning, every sunrise, everyday. When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark. Kung kailangan mo ako, lagi naman ako nandito. But I too, grew up without sharing my problems to my parents, not even once. Minsan napapaisip din ako, like, how do I thank my mom for giving me the life she desperately wanted for herself?"

"But you forgave her, 'di ba? Paano mo 'yon nagawa? Parang ang bilis kasi..."

"Hindi naman mabilis ang proseso, it took me days, weeks, months. I'm slowly learning that even if I react, it won't change anything, it won't make people suddenly love and respect me, it won't magically change their minds. Sometimes its better to just let things be, let them decide for you, let them go, don't fight for closure, don't ask for explanations, don't chase answers and don't expect people to understand where you're coming from. I'm slowly learning that life is better lived when you don't center it on what's happening around you and center it on what's happening inside you instead. Work on yourself and your inner peace.  Hindi bale ng mabagal ang iyong pag-usad, ang importante hindi ka humihinto."

Her mouth curved into a smile and she scrunched up her face.

"Sa totoo lang, my mom sacrificed a lot for me. Totoo na hindi dapat retirement plan ang mga anak, pero kung 'yong mga magulang mo ay ibinigay sa'yo lahat para mabuhay ka at walang naipon sa pagtanda nila...hindi masama na ikaw ang maging sandalan nila sa panahong hindi na nila kaya. Hindi lahat may kakayanan bumuhay at mag-ipon ng sabay. Minsan kulang din tayo sa pag-unawa bilang anak...na dadating 'yong oras atsaka natin sila maiintindihan kung bakit ganito at ganiyan ang turing nila sa atin. Kagaya lang din natin mga anak, hindi sila nagbibigkas ng kanilang problema sa atin, kahit isang beses, hindi." I continued.

We we're staring at each other a little too long. Walang imik. Matagal bago kumurap. I think we looked at each other a little too long to be just friends...I'm kinda bad with words, I just hope she's good in reading eyes.

"Tsss..." she shyly looked away, "Iyong mga tinginan mo, noh? Parang nagpapahiwatig ng pagmamahal...hindi mo nga yata ako gusto...paasa ka kasi."

I chuckled, napakamot din sa aking batok. Baka tinutukoy niya ay 'yong nakaraan.

"Sinasabi mo r'yan?" pagpapa inosente ko, kunwari walang malay.

"Gusto mo lang ako kasama kasi gusto mo akong kausap. Oo na, panalo ka na. Paasa ka."

Natawa lang ako lalo sa sinabi niya.

"Ikaw boang, eh," sabi niya while slowly looking away.

"You wanna know the truth? What I really think and feel that day and now?"

"Huwag na, alam ko na paasa ka at pa-fall ka mag mula noon hanggang ngayon!" she pouted and I laughed.

"You have no proof beyond reasonable doubt that I am guilty of making you fall for me."

"You're now talking law with me? Wow! Very unprofessional, polsci, ha? I don't know anything about politics!"

"I solemnly, sincerely swear and affirm that the statement I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I liked you, miss fedeli."

"Mr. Merced, I have been working my ass off for almost three years, and the love that I only know is to work, I'm sorry...I don't have time for confessions." she said, sounding like a sarcasm. Or naybe thinking that I was just playing with her.

"Tsss, bolero na nga paasa pa. Wow, playing politics talaga, eh. Gawaing politika." pabulong bulong niya pa.

I couldn't stop laughing at her reaction.

"Polsci, can I just ask you something..." she sounded serious that I stopped from laughing.

"What?"

"All of this...why do you put up with me?"

I chuckled a little...thinking of an answer to her question. And when I had it, I sighed heavily.

"Because you're fire...and I've been cold my whole life."

She looked at me, gave me a once-over.

"Umuwi na nga tayo! Init na, eh!" sabi niya.

"Abiding by the law, you have the right to remain silent and to not answer questions. Just stay still and listen to me."

Napabuntong hininga muna siya as she pouted and hugged her knees.

"Have you ever met someone that surprised you?" I asked.

"It depends...paanong pagsurprise ba?"

"Like, you meet this person, and at first you hardly pay attention to them. You may not be at all attracted to this person, but as you get to know them, you notice yourself falling. This someone who once nothing to you have become something. All of a sudden, they're the most shining, glowing, bright, funny, and interesting person you've ever met. It's just funny looking back. You never saw it coming, it just kind of...happened."

She uttered no response, but she was full ears as she nodded her head.

"When I first started talking to you, I didn't think that I would get so attached. But there was this spark of energy that was in you...and I could feel myself slowly liking you as the days goes by. Maybe its about our little talks that means to me, or how I find you so interesting to be with...dahil pareho tayo ng takbo ng kwentong magulang."

The corners of his mouth turned up, and so I continued.

"I knew I was falling in liking with you quite some time ago, and you to me, but I also felt like we weren't ready for it. Not yet. Part of me thought maybe it was a fluke. Maybe I was wrong and it wasn't love, maybe it was just adoration...so I didn't say anything. Akala ko kasi hanggang doon lang 'yon, hindi naman na tayo magkikita ulit...but here we are."

I plastered a smile on my face when both of our eyes met.

"But this. Here. Your voice...soft as you tell me your worries, fears, and troubles. And with your heart beat strong, steady, calm. And mine matching yours, beat for beat...this. How could this not be love?" I said, with the most calmest voice I had.

I knew that it was. I knew then that it had been love for quite some time. But love helps you fall back into place.

She blinked, she turned scarlet. Her jaw went slack. Unable to say anything...lost for words. But she gave me a lopsided grin.

"You are my favorite kind, nothing that I can name. But when a girl has a bad relationship with her dad, or he's not in her life for whatever reason, she will always try to find the love that she wish she had with her dad, from a guy, and she will put much trust and expectations to him like she would with her dad, she just wants to love her like a dad would...and I think I'm not ready for that. Not yet." I said.

Medyo ngumisi siya, she looked at me with the still glowing eyes.

"I know we're not yet ready...we still have our priorities left in our hands. We both know that." she said in her soft voice.

It was a sudden silence. We were awkwardly comfortable with each others silence that we both are not drowning.

She stood up, pinagpagan ang kaniyang puwetan...gano'n rin ang ginawa ko. And when I stood, both hands on my pocket, I lastly glanced to the view.

"Business, I really want my Chapter 1 Article 13 of the Civil Code of the Philippines to be like this...here."

"I told you...I don't know about politics and law."

I want to spend it here...me, her, and the sunrise. But time is something I have and don't.

"Sining, siguro oras na para umuwi ka."

And so, I realized it was time for me to let her go. I didn't want to though, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Fingers crossed, I know we'll see each other in some other time or maybe another lifetime. Maybe then, we'll be ready. And if not, then I guess our soul don't belong.

After all, I choose to love her in her loneliness...for in her loneliness no one owns her but me.

•••

TBC.

AN//: Belated happy birthday to SHANNEY!! (Llanierhye11) 🤎 Thank you for the love and support you have given all my life series characters! Remember that you make each day special just by being yourself. I hope your birthday had been special as you are! xoxo.