Everyday my thoughts chipped away at me, leaving me struggling each day. The balance of power had shifted into Angel's advantage and I was in turn at a disadvantage.

It reminded me of my mother and what had happened to her. Her journals lay untouched. I still hadn't worked up the courage to look through them.

There was a distance between us. He rarely came to bed and that left me more alone.

I went to the doctor and got myself onto some birth control. There was no way I wanted to bring a child into the mess I was trying to navigate my way through.

Then my Godmother, Claire, called. I didn't have much in the way of family other than Kaiden but Claire I considered a part of my family.

"I thought you were dead," she began the conversation. I knew better than to say anything over the phone so I suggested I go over to see her.

She had been very close to my mom, she was probably the one person who knew the contents of everything my mother had penned in her journals.

"Give me an hour to get ready and I'll be over," I said.

She agreed. I ended the call feeling excited to see Claire but nervous to tell her everything that had been going on. She and my mom had been close friends for as far back as I could remember. And without a mother figure Claire was as close as I got to a female role model.

The timing of her call wasn't lost on me. Here I was struggling to go through my mom's stuff and Claire calls to invite me over. Maybe this is exactly what I needed.

I was sitting in bed with my phone when Angel walked in. He was dressed in sweats and looked like he had just worked out.

Ever since I had broached the subject of his dead sibling there had been a coolness between us that I hadn't been able to breach. I didn't know how to get back the closeness we had experienced before and I missed it.

I had filled my emptiness with shopping and target practice. I was never going to be a crack shot but I could at least hit what I was aiming at. Angel had put James in charge of over seeing my target practice, putting more distance between us.

He paid no attention to me as he entered the bathroom. Then I heard him turn on the shower.

I so badly wanted to fix what I had broken between us. It had been the longest week.

Being ignored by my new husband was getting to me which was made worse by my feelings for him.

I dragged myself out of bed to find something to wear for my visit with Claire.

I was in between trying an outfit, dressed only in my underwear when Angel, wearing a suit, appeared in the doorway.

"You going somewhere today?" he asked.

It was the first time he had even acknowledged my presence in the last few days. And I hated how desperate I was for his attention.

"Yes." I have a one arm shrug unable to fight the urge to rile him up. "When I'm not getting any attention from my husband, I have to look for it elsewhere don't I Angel?"

It worked exactly how I intended. His featured tensed as he approached me. "You wouldn't dare?"

"Are you sure about that?" I countered. He was right, I wouldn't but I wasn't going to admit that to him.

For the first time in a good long while I had his attention and that's what I wanted more than anything.

He stalked closer, filling the room as my eyes held his. I refused to back down and he came to a stop.

"I know what you're doing Kira," he said, still angry.

I basked in his attention, hating that I would take it any way I got it.

"What am I doing Angel?" I lifted my chin in defiance.

"You're spoiling for a fight." He lifted his hand to brush his thumb across my bottom lip as his eyes fixated on the movement. I was transfixed.

When he touched me, everything else ceased to exist. There was only us.

I hated how he made me weak for him but I couldn't stop myself even if I tried.

"If you want my attention Kira, all you have to do its ask for it," he murmured, the anger I had riled up in him only moments ago seemed to have abated.

I wanted more than his attention, I wanted his lips on mine, his hands exploring me. I couldn't think of anything else.

Is this what love did? Was I blind to everything else other than my need for him? It should have scared me into taking a step back and breaking his contact with me but I couldn't. The power of what I felt and needed from him was too strong to fight.

I wanted to kiss him to have him but the stubborn streak of independence kept me from giving in. I was only hanging on by a thread but I refused to comply.

His mouth hovered above mine but made no contact.

"Remember Angel. If my needs are met within this marriage, they will be met outside of it." I used the same words he had used on me.

It was enough to push him into action. His mouth crushed mine and his hands pulled me to him.

All that mattered was him and what he was doing to me. His hands held me in place as his mouth explored mine, with deliberate action and unrestrained anger.

I held on to him, needing to anchor myself as my senses focussed purely on his touch.

He kissed me so hard, my lips felt a little bruised. My back was against the wall and his hands lifted my dress and curled around my panties before pulling them down my thighs.

I didn't even have a moment to take what was happening in when his mouth was on mine before. My grip on his shoulders intensified as I tried to keep up with him. His tongue darting into my mouth with a possessiveness that took my breath away. I linked my arms around his neck. His hands worked his belt and trousers. Then he was lifting me and I wrapped my legs around him.

Then he stopped suddenly. "Tell me this is what you want Kira."

My legs tightened on his hips and my mouth touched his but he refused to give in.

I had no choice. "I want this," I breathed.

His mouth sealed over mine as he thrust deep into me in one swift motion. I gasped, feeling complete now that our bodies were fused together.

Each movement I savored. The only sound was our heavy breath and I groaned when his lips touched my neck as I arched into him.

His movements were hard and fast, my hips in sink with his movements prolonging every motion of his body into mine.

Again and again, until I gasped when I came. It washed over me while he pounded into me, gripping my hips, imprinting his fingers into my skin. And I loved it, needed it.

The possessiveness of his touch gave me what his heart couldn't.

Then he came. His body shuddered into mine and I held him for a moment giving into the love I felt for him. It felt so right, I could have died right then and never been happier.

His breathing was hard while I tried to catch mine.

It was then the reality came drifting back in. When the warmth of his embrace began to seep away, every doubt and self doubt returned.

He released me slowly and I leaned against the wall as he redressed. He handed me back my panties and I held them as I watched him.

"Don't threaten me Kira, you'll be the one to lose."

And with that he turned and left. I stood unable to move, watching him leave.

My mood changed from ecstasy to self hate in a matter of seconds. For years I had feared allowing a man to dominate me like my mother had been dominated and here I was allowing Angel to do that to me.

My love for him made me weak and I didn't know how to change that, or even if there was a way to.

I felt hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

How could I allow this to happen? How could I be okay with this? I had seen how it had destroyed my mother and knew it would destroy me if I didn't find a way to stop it.

I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest. I could still feel him on me, inside me and I had never felt more alone.

Feeling overwhelmed, I sniffled and brushed a tear away.

This wasn't me, this wasn't who I was.

I had to find a way back to the girl who wouldn't have allowed him to get away with treating me like this. Is this how my mom had felt before she died? Had she know, or had she been oblivious to it until it was too late?

I had to do something before it was too late for me.