The voices are so close but yet so far, they are like loud whispers. I am guided back to my room but I don't know by who.
I hear some,
" Look at what you did" and some " What do we do?"
And many more but I can't comprehend what they mean, it's as though my spirit has left my body.
I am laid down on a bed and after someone removes my shoes, they put a cover on me.

" Don't worry, she'll be fine. This happens sometimes, I will call you if anything happens." I hear someone say.

The sounds are shut down as my mind replays what happened to mom.
A very beautiful woman, curly hair, chocolate and green mixed eyes, she was so pretty. She was such an accomplished woman with a happy family and a financial stability. My mom was good at taking good care of us.
When I turned four, I remember how she had threw a big ass party, saying she wanted the whole world to know how proud she was of birthing me.

" Baby, what do you want me to get you?" She had asked me then.

" Mommy buy me the biggest painting book in the whole wide world!" I had said excitedly jumping in her arms.

That day she gave me all the drawing materials you could think of. She believed in me, even at my young age.

When I was seven, I started to see some changes.
My mom suddenly started staying at home everyday. She laughed less as the days went by,was literally never sober. She would always hold a drink and even started to smoke. Dad started to argue with her everyday.
Good thing is, it never was physical but the mental abuse was really bad. .They would say very atrocious things to each other and it became worse as the time passed. Paul and Quinn would always bring me upstairs and try to block their arguments from me, I never really understood what was happening.

One day, I came back from school with Paul and found mom sprawled on the couch, unconscious. We ran to her and tried to wake her up but no, nothing.
Paul immediately called an ambulance and by the time it made it to our house, dad and Quinn had pulled up too. Thankfully, she survived.
The doctors told us it was an overdose and that it looked she might have done it on purpose but that only she, could tell us.
When dad realized how serious all this situation was becoming, he took us home that night and tried to explain to us what was happening to mom and why they were fighting so much.

Apparently, she had started taking some I quote, "bad pills", so they fired her at work. He added that they were fighting because, he was trying to get her to stop.
At seven I couldn't understand what he meant by bad pills. She got depressed for a reason we still don't know and started using drugs.

When she came back home from the hospital two weeks later, she looked fine. She said she didn't do it on purpose and even promised to stop using.
Life was kind of back to normal though she didn't go back to work.
She fully recovered, went to therapy and even gain some small weight.

A year and a half later when I was nine, I was watching some tv at home alone. My sister and brother had both went to visit their friends and dad was at work, so I was at home with mom. Nothing looked out of the norm that day.
While I was watching tv,the phone rang. The person on the line told me to give the phone to my mom.
I start calling her but she doesn't respond so I go up to her room.
When I open, I am immediately hit by a strong metallic smell. I look down to blood flowing next to my foot in the door. My heart started beating fast, afraid to see where the blood is coming from. Breathing hard I raise my head afraid of what I would see.

I see my mom sleeping on her back beside the bed, eyes wide open, lips a little bit open with a small smile on them. She was covered in so much blood.
Heart beating fast, I make my way slowly to her stepping in the blood all the way.
She lies lifeless staring at me, a small knife in her left hand and a small piece of paper in her other hand.
I take the small paper out of her immobile and stiff hand. It's covered in blood so it's hard to read anything but I manage to.

" I AM HAPPY." is the only thing written with a small smiley at the bottom.
Hands shaking, I reach for the phone and dial my Dad's number. He picks it up at the second ring.

" Hey sweetie! I am at the st-"he starts but I cut him halfway through.

" Mom is dead." I say calmly.

" what? Oh in the movie." He says confused.

" No, my mom is lying down, covered in blood dad." I repeat more slowly to get him to comprehend.

" Okay, call the ambulance, I'll be there in five." He says in a rush.

I do as I am told but something told me that she was already gone.
Next thing I know, she was being rushed in an ambulance and later on, was declared deceased.
My mind was frozen. Until then I hadn't let out a single tear. My siblings and dad had started crying but I couldn't. I felt like I was floating, my body was there but my soul was somewhere watching all of this like a movie.
The funeral took place a week later and I still hadn't cried. My heart had been beating so fast like the day I found her lying down in her room.
My dad was treating like a tiny balloon that would break anytime. Asking me if I needed anything every time or if I was okay.

Everyone knew I was the one who found her. I hated how everyone was being cautious around me. Strangers were being too friendly, cousins I've never met giving me gifts. I hated that.
Fed up with all of that, I personally asked my dad to take me back to school two weeks later.
That's when  something broke between me and Quinn.
I started going back to school, avoiding anyone who would bring up my mom's subject.
Teachers were the worst in those moments. Thankfully at the time, I had zero friends. A month later, Paul and Quinn came back to school too.

Three months later and I still hadn't cried. I would try to force myself to but I really couldn't.
I was empty, no anger, no sorrow, no disappointment, nothing. I would go to school and come out of it not hearing a thing.

I started feeling something when Quinn and I had our first fight.
That night she had said I was a monster after weeks of not talking to me. She had said that if I had cared enough to check on her earlier, she would still be alive. And that was like a wake up call.

        ___________________________

AUTHOR's Note:

The audacity I have to start off the year with a sad chapter, is astronomical. Y'all don't kill meh.
Vote and comment!

Happy new year y'all, I love you!

Xoxo,