× Horan

The only thing worse than not loving Lynn was loving her, and then trying to love someone else.

When she first left, I would have described my heartache as a ravenous fire that burnt all the oxygen in my body, leaving me empty. But now it was more like a thin layer of ice, cooling my insides, a reminder of the pain that came before, and a warning not to fuel that fire again. I couldn't see myself putting my heart out there anymore; I didn't think it could survive another inferno.

But then Elise Bouvier entered my life and all that changed.

We met in Dublin three years ago. It was the night after a won home game and the team had gone out to celebrate. Elise had just gotten her test scores from classes and was out to have fun with her friends as well. We easily hit it off, and being that I would be staying in the city for the next month, it was easy to get to know her.

And then it was history.

Until a few years later and I find myself in bed with an old lover.

Lynn Mercury lay asleep beside me, her arms wrapped around a pillow and her bare back on full display, showing off a tattoo that she didn't have before.

The white sheet was wrapped around her waist, but it exposed the ink along her rib cage perfectly. When I got a good look at the words, my breath caught in my throat.

You can break everything down to chemicals, but you can't explain a love like ours.

Those were the lyrics I had written down on notebook paper years ago. Those were the same lyrics I had sang to her in the cabin before everything went to shit - before she left and took every sense of authenticity with her. The simple fact that she even remembered the words tore at me, but getting it permanently inked into her skin would leave scars on my heart for years to come.

Ever so carefully, I reached over and traced the delicate curves of the ink. The moment I touched her, a wave of goosebumps rose on her skin, but she didn't wake up.

Seeing her in the same bed as me made it easy to hate her. She had driven me crazy for months. I hated the little things she did that completely got under my skin, those little things that at the time I swore I could live without. I hated having to deal with those things because I loved her; I loved us.

Elise is nothing like Lynn, and I loved that about her. But even though she could never annoy me as much as the girl lying next to me, I could never love Elise as much as I loved hating being annoyed by Lynn.

Elise isn't picky about everything she eats and is always up to trying new things. But I missed knowing what Lynn would get at every restaurant we go to and being able to order her food because she was so predictable. Elise doesn't radiate body heat so excessively that we both end up sweating with the covers at our feet in the middle of the night. But now I was always freezing while I sleep.

It was six in the morning, and if I was to get back to the hotel without any of the lads noticing, I had to leave now.

Crawling out of the bed, I fumbled around, putting on the clothes that ended up in the bedroom. Just as I was going to quietly walk out and get my shirt from the entryway and make my exit, the sleeping body on the bed stirred.

"You're leaving?"

I paused and closed my eyes. I was hoping to get out of there without waking her. I hated to be the guy I was back in college where I fucked and left, but what was I supposed to do? I was getting married today.

Holy shit. I was getting married today.

Standing up straight, I turned to look at her. "I can't stay."

She looked hurt and I couldn't imagine why. Did she expect me to stay? To have a change of heart? This was just old habits resurfacing, nothing more. My heart didn't belong to the girl in the bed anymore and instead to the girl who would be waking up in the next few hours exited for her wedding day - to get married to me.

"Are you going to tell her?"

Lynn was sitting up in bed, holding the sheet up to cover herself. The same caramel hair I loved to run my fingers through fell down her shoulders.

"I don't..." I paused and took a breath to calm myself down. "I haven't thought about it."

"You have to tell her, Niall," she said, her deep blue eyes piercing into mine. Just as I was about to leave the room, Lynn spoke up again. "You don't really want this, Niall."

I turned and saw her tugging on a shirt. I should have grabbed my things from the entryway and left, never looking back. Maybe I would have gotten out of there and mustered up the courage to marry Elise and forget last night even happened, but you couldn't put years in-between how my mind worked and I wanted to know Lynn's theory.

But I didn't leave, because the moment I saw the shirt Lynn was wearing, I was paralyzed to the spot.

I remembered the night she first wore my FAI jersey. I had given it to her the night I had my panic attack at a party. The green jersey fit her no differently than it did six years ago. The neck hole hung low down her chest and exposed her collarbones that were littered from love bites of the night before.

Looking at the Ireland crest on the front with the large number 33, I thought about mentioning it. She put it on without even thinking, without even giving it a second thought that the original owner was standing right in front of her, and it made me keep my mouth shut because I didn't want to make it a bigger deal then it really was.

With this and the tattoo that was now hidden out of sight, I was afraid if I did say something, I wouldn't be able to go back.

"Why- why do you say that?" I asked, tripping over my words. "Because of what happened last night?"

Lynn sat on the edge of the bed. "Was last night not enough of an indicator?"

I crossed my arms. "No, it's not, Lynn. What happened last night didn't mean anything. I fell into my old ways, that's it. I screwed up, but that doesn't mean I don't love Elise."

"Do you?" Lynn asked with a hard voice. "Do you love her?"

She squinted at me through hardened eyes that once had been my salvation. On more than one occasion, Lynn had made me question everything, so I wasn't shocked she could bring that out of me again.

"Yes," I admitted softly.

My answer must have caught her off guard because her perfect brows rose in slight surprise. "Really? Because it sounds like you don't mean that."

For a long time, I had felt a void inside me, and I'd been insistently trying to seam the wound. I had been desperate to find somebody to make me feel whole again. Bored of tiding myself over with quick fixes and an array of vices, I latched on to the nearest subject.

"I just don't want to end up alone..."

And that was the simple truth. I had poured myself into an idea, a love that was there but didn't come close to how I once felt toward someone. I had always known that, but I just didn't want to believe it. Elise was a nice girl, someone I could easily get along with and have a good time. I did love her, but it didn't make me feel that familiar admiration in my heart that I did years ago with a different girl - the girl that just so happened to be in front of me.

I would rather settle then end up alone. I've been alone before and I didn't much like it. I was tired of getting my heart broken. No more heartache, no more pain. I could have a family with someone I cared about, which was something I had always wanted.

Still wanted. Elise was still someone I wanted in my life and I wasn't going to make one little slip change that.

"That's why you didn't invite me," Lynn said in a voice of sudden understanding. "It was a cautionary procedure. You were afraid that you would see me and everything would change."

She slowly made her way to me. It was like a gravitational pull because the moment she was close enough, I wanted to reach out and touch her. But I had to force myself not to fall into that magnitude again.

"Your fiancée deserves to marry someone she's in love with," she said. "Just like you deserve to marry someone you're in love with."

I could have continued arguing that I did love Elise, but Lynn saw right through me. I was in love with the idea of Elise - I loved who she was and everything she represented - but that was as far as it went and it just wasn't enough. Lynn knew that, and she had always wanted the best for me. That was why she left in the first place.

Lynn was so close, I just had to reach out and I could be holding her hand. I had to will all my molecules to stay in place because I couldn't afford to get too close to her. Everything was on the line.

"The one that I'm in love with doesn't want the same things I do," I whispered.

Lynn's eyes were clear as she said, "Maybe their opinion has changed..."

I just want to be me and do what I want without the distractions. That's what she had said six years ago when the topic was brought up. She was pretty set in her ways and if she was saying what I thought she was saying, then I wondered what had changed her mind. But I wouldn't dare look too far into it. I've gotten my hopes up one too many times before only to be let down.

Braving the moment, Lynn's hand grabbed mine. "Despite what happened between us, all I want is for you to be happy, Niall."

Her hair was longer and blonder and she was doing something different with her makeup, simpler and more natural. There were some lines around her mouth that told me she smiles a lot, but other than that, Lynn hasn't aged at all.

This was dangerous for me because it was like I was being teleported back in time, to the time when things were complicated and filled with mixed signals and miss connections. To a time when I was young and in love with someone I shouldn't be. Six years hasn't changed much, because here we were in the same situation.

It felt like Mercury was in retrograde - I was being swept back in time.

My throat tightened and it was getting harder to talk. "You being here is making everything worse," I sneered, removing my hand from hers. "Before you, I was confident in marrying Elise, and then you show up and I'm back to the fucking beginning - back to being confused about you."

"I didn't make you walk up to me at the bar, Niall," Lynn argued, crossing her arms. "You could have walked passed and I wouldn't have known the difference. You put this on yourself."

I sighed and bowed my head. I thought I had been safe. But I should have known better; I should have seen it coming the moment I saw Lynn sitting there on the loveseat that created the butterflies in my stomach. I had found someone that I loved who wouldn't run away from me; someone who could give me everything that I wanted. I never anticipated this happening.

"I know this isn't something you need right now, but I do love you, Niall," she said softly. "I just want-"

"Stop," I whispered, my voice cracking. I removed my hand from hers and took a step back. "You can't- I... I'm getting married today, Lynn. You can't just say something like that and expect me to be okay with it. You where the one who left me on the pitch six years ago. You were the one who left me with no career and no future-"

"No I wasn't!" She shouted, her eyes suddenly lit in flame. "Do you not remember all those times I pushed you away? We are both to blame for that, Niall. Leaving or not, that still happened."

Involuntarily, my fists clenched together and my jaw set. "You left when I needed you the most."

Lynn's eyes softened and I saw her start to crumble in front of me. I could see on her face that she was sorry and that it hurt her just as much as me to leave when she did. I also saw that she was finally ready to fight for whatever was left of us, but she was too late... and she knew that.

"I'm so sorry, Niall," she said, her voice breaking slightly. "So much was happening in my life and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was twenty and stupid and I'd like to think I've grown since then. So now I'm facing the choices I made, and I've never regretted anything more in my life..."

Before I could even stop myself, I was stepping toward her and cupping her face in my hands. But I stopped there. I just wanted to touch her, to feel her soft skin against my callused fingers one last time.

"Years had passed and I thought I was safe. I thought it was really over. But the truth is that I'm still in love with you, too, Lynn. That never went away."

I didn't know it until I was inches in front of her did I see her glossy eyes. They were the brightest blue, shimmering like the sun against the water's surface. Reaching up, I brushed my thumb under her eye, just as the first tear started to fall.

"You and I will always be unfinished business."

She closed her eyes, tears spilling down her cheeks. Then she reached up and grabbed my wrists in her hands and removed them from her face.

"You should go," she whispered.

I didn't want to leave. When I first woke up, that was all that mattered to me - to get the hell out and avoid all this. But now that we were here, and she was wearing my jersey and had inked the lyrics I had written in her skin... I didn't want to go. I wanted to sort this out and understand what we had to do to make it right.

But she had a point. I had a wedding to attend.

So I stepped out of the bedroom and pulled on my shirt and grabbed my plaid button down. I made sure I had my glasses, wallet, and keys before I headed toward the door. My hand was on the knob when she spoke out again.

"I'm leaving late afternoon," she said slowly. "I have a flight for Dublin."

I turned around to look at her. "Dublin?"

Lynn sniffed and ran a hand through her hair. "I was offered a job. I'm going there to check it out. It's a big city; I don't think we have to worry about seeing each other."

I thought about my chances of running into Lynn in a big city like LA, and yet... here we were. "I hope you have fun."

"But I'll be here," she quickly added. "At the house until then."

She didn't say it, but there was a clear undertone to her words. I'll be here if you decide not to go through with it.

Then she walked out of sight. All I could see of her when I finally left was her shadow, it was my only reminder that she was real, that somewhere, somehow, our lanes intersected at one point in our lives.

× × ×

"Where the hell have you been?" Matt asked when I entered the hotel room. "I've been up since five trying to find you because you wouldn't answer your goddamn phone."

Matt was one of my groomsmen and my babysitter. Jace, who was the best man, had assigned him to watch over me so I wouldn't leave in the middle of the night. He clearly didn't do a good job.

"Where were you? You look like absolute shit."

"Thanks," I said drearily as I stepped into the room.

I passed a mirror on the wall and paused. Matt was right, I looked horrible. My brown hair was a mess; a clear indicator that I was up all night. My eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and my clothes were wrinkled. There was also a visible love bite peeking out of the collar of my button down and I quickly placed a hand there to cover it up before anyone saw.

When I walked through the little entryway of the hotel room, I saw Robbie, the third groomsmen, sitting up in his bed and stifling a yawn. He was on my FAI team and not even a few days from joining did we quickly hit it off, becoming one of my closest friends.

"I kept telling him you pulled a Chandler," Robbie clarified with a sleepy laugh. "But we didn't find a note from you so that was quickly off the table."

I sat on the edge of the unoccupied bed and took off my shoes. I should have been scared, excited, happy, or some kind of exultant emotion for my wedding, but all I felt was devastation. I had an odd sense that this wasn't where I was supposed to be, that I should be doing something that wasn't getting ready for this wedding.

"Are you going to explain where you were?" Matt pressed standing in front of me. "Because I need a really good excuse to give Jace when he gets here."

"I couldn't sleep so I went out."

Matt stared at me, clearly not believing a word I said. "All night?"

Speaking of the devil, Jace stepped through the hotel door right then, saving me from explaining myself any further.

He was already wearing what the bride had picked out what the groomsmen would wear. A gray vest wrapped around him with matching slacks, a soft sage green tie lay flat against his chest. His hair was a mess similar to mine, though his was more likely bedhead rather than sex hair.

He stepped into the room and immediately stopped when he saw me.

"Did you leave?" Jace asked, taking in my appearance. Before I could even open my mouth, he spun on Matt. "I told you to watch him!"

Matt held his hands up in surrender. "What was I supposed to do?" he protested. "I was sleeping and he left, I wasn't going to play lookout the whole night!"

"You didn't wake up when-?"

"Would you shut up!" I shouted, beyond over everyone fretting over me. "I'm twenty-eight-years-old for fuck's sake; I can take care of myself."

The room was still as everyone froze from my outburst. The silence that followed was deafening. It was bad enough I screwed up, I didn't need my friends yelling at each other because of it.

The hush was broken by Matt's cell phone ringing. I could tell that he didn't want to leave, but he decided it would be best to take the call and leave the hotel room. Robbie took that opportunity to go into the bathroom and hop in the shower, leaving Jace and I alone.

"Why didn't you tell me Lynn was in town?" I couldn't help but ask.

From the mention of her name, his eyes widened. That was all it took for him to piece everything together, my leave and coming back at the crack of dawn looking like I just got out of a brawl... or like I just had sex with an ex-lover.

"Oh my god," he whispered.

Jace took the seat at the desk and encouraged me to explain, and just like from the beginning, I told him everything.

Through these years, even though we now lived on different continents, I never lost contact with him. He was there for me through thick and thin, he was always a phone call away whenever I needed him, and he was there when I made the decision to propose to Elise. No matter how bad I fuck things up, he would listen without judge. There wasn't anything I couldn't tell him.

"You need to think about this, Niall," Jace said once I was done talking. "Elise is a good person and she needs to know how you feel. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

"I had a lot of time to think about it on the cab ride here," I explained.

"And?"

Elise Bouvier deserved nothing but the best. When we met at that club three years ago, I quickly fell in love with her easy-going, caring personality. It was hard not to. We fought like any other couple, but find me one that doesn't. It was healthy and completely different from what I had before. It was something I needed; a breath of fresh air.

I was close to my thirties and I was running out of time. I wanted children and Elise desired a whole litter. We had a future living in the suburbs with a white picket fence and our neighbors only five feet away. We would have toys scattered all around and kids running up and down the stairs. We would have a dog, a golden retriever named Cooper. A silver minivan would be parked in the driveway and a boat in the garage for those hot summer days when we just wanted to get away. It was a dream I had pictured for a long time, and I had found the person to share that dream with.

"I'm going to do it," I said with confidence. "I'm going to marry Elise."