× Horan

I have once been told that I have a very callous coping technique. Maybe it was an insult, but it was obviously still true. I preferred to get straight to the root of things and deal with them in the most logical way possible. Every problem had a solution, every action had an equal and opposite reaction, and if I thought hard enough, I could ruin any hitch in my way. All things considering, my scientifically proven system of not getting hurt may have had some errors after all.

I never should have gone to the hospital. No, that wasn't it. I had to go; I had to make sure she was okay. But I never should have stayed to see her wake up. Seeing as though Jamie, Jace, and Coach were there, she wouldn't even have missed me, but my fucking heart got the better of me and I knew I had to see those deep blue eyes to settle my worrying mind.

But getting that close to her again only made things worse off for me. The past two days were spent in my room, leisurely strumming my guitar and throwing textbooks around in frustration. It had gotten so bad that I even touched on the idea of leaving the football team. It was hard enough to be in the same room as her, it almost downright killed me to look at her every day knowing it would never be like it was before.

So I went to the gym. I needed to do something to take my mind off everything. Punching something seemed like the most logical thing to do.

I went at night, after it was closed and used the keycard coach had given everyone on the team so the gym would always be open. The last thing I wanted was to deal with people.

When I stepped into the fitness center, someone had already beaten me to the idea.

"What are you doing!?" I shouted

Lynn had a look of concentration as she stood in front of the punching bag, knuckles wrapped in tap and beads of sweat running down alone her hairline. She was clearly ignoring the fact that her ankle was messed up and seemed to put everything she got into punching the bag in front of her.

"You should be in bed with your foot up!" I tried again, making my way over to her.

She ignored me as she took a kick at the bag, the vinyl swinging from the ceiling. From the looks of it, she didn't come here with her crutches and I wondered if she walked all the way over here on her bad ankle.

Before she could take another strike, I stood on the other side of the bag and stopped it from swinging, halting Lynn's action to advance.

She was wearing black leggings with a mesh design up the side and a matching sports bra with an intricate web cutout on the back. Her hair was hastily pulled up into a pony tail; lose strands clinging to her wet skin.

"What are you doing here?" I tried to get her attention again.

The fire in her eyes should have been enough of an indicator that she didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone me, but seeing as though she really needed to stop putting pressure on her ankle, I didn't find a way around this. For the sake of the team and her future career, she needed to stop.

And Lynn knew that; she wasn't an idiot. That only made me wonder what in the world could cause her to do something so risky.

"You need to go back to your hall and rest. You know what the doctor-"

"Fuck the doctor," Lynn interrupted.

Even though I was holding the punching bag, she took a swing anyways, making me step back slightly from the momentum.

"Talk to me," I said desperately. "Tell me what's wrong. Did I do something?"

"Go away," she sneered, her eyes looking directly into mine. Her taped knuckles were a bright red, telling me she had been here a while. "This has nothing to do with you."

I opened my mouth to press the conversation harder, but before I could say anything, I heard Lynn sniffle and whip the back of her hand under her left eye. It was then that I saw that she had been crying, and the waterworks were now resurfacing.

"Lynn, tell me why you're upset," I said, slowly easing away from the punching bag and stepping in her direction. "I'm open."

That made her stop, but she kept her hands up in a defensive position. I thought my words had gotten to her, but when she started to shake her head slowly, my heart fell further in my chest.

"That's not going to work this time," she said softly.

Her voice may have been soft, but the fury in her chest must have suddenly clawed at her insides, dying to get out because she unleashed a flurry of punches on the bag between us, increasing in strength until she topped it off with a spinning kick that I just barely managed to stay upright from.

"Okay," I panted, shaking off her blows. "Clearly you don't want to tell me what's wrong."

Stepping away from the bag, I watched Lynn clench and unclench her fist. I knew that soreness in her fingers and wrist, it was a feeling that had grown custom when I was in the ring myself. The pain had never been distracting to me, it was an encouragement. It meant that I was doing some damage and all I wanted to do was keep going. The look in Lynn's eyes told me she was feeling the same way then. It was almost terrifying.

"Are you still mad at me from the party?" I asked, falling back and running my hand through my hair. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know what else to do. I made you feel like I only cared about sex by saying I haven't slept with anyone since you, but, Lynn, I swear I don't care about that."

"I'm not here because you had sex with someone else," Lynn interrupted, her voice dropping under heavy breathing. "I'm here because I learned that my parent's death wasn't an accident."

I paused, not sure I heard correctly. "Wait. Your parent's... What?"

Lynn closed her eyes and bit her lip, playing with the tape that had lifted up slightly around her knuckles. I was getting the impression that she was retreating back into her shell like a turtle, already telling me more than she was planning on. It saddened me that we had once told each other everything, to the point that were was no more hesitation with letting them learn something new. Now it was like we were back to the beginning, back to when the only thing we shared was snarky comments and glares across the field.

"Katie's cousin was the one who set my house on fire," she clarified to my surprise. "He came to my room and confessed everything."

"Oh my god," I breathed out.

I took a step toward her, but she stepped back. "Don't," she said quietly. "Please don't."

Holding my hands out, I surrendered. I couldn't do this anymore; couldn't try to press myself back into her life when she clearly didn't want me anywhere near it. I took a few steps back wondering if she would say something to keep me in that room. But the longer I stalled, the more disappointed I got.

This had always been my thing with us, the analytics. Lynn was no good with the words and I was no good with the feelings so she would do the emotions for me while I built it up around logic and theories. But now she was pushing me in a way that made my senses buzz and light up like a firework and suddenly I was the ball of emotions, ready to burst.

Before I stepped through the threshold of the gym, I stopped.

I've told myself countless of times that I needed to get over Lynn. But I couldn't do that by just walking away. I needed to have the last word, and I didn't see a better opportunity then at that very moment.

"Before I met you, I slept around so I wouldn't get hurt," I said, turning around to face Lynn. "I knew it's wrong, sexist even. But I couldn't help it. And it's ironic that the one thing I was trying to avoid happened with you; the person that reminded me of the reason why I came up with that plan in the first place."

Lynn opened her mouth to speak, but I wouldn't let her.

"In the beginning, I would look at you and see this person, my teammate and nothing more. That had to be who you were to me because I wasn't supposed to see anyone else. But then we kissed and it was like all of my boundaries disappeared."

It was my intention to get over her once and for all, but in the short time from then to now, I had changed my course.

I was going to fight for her.

Not once in my whole life had I felt the way I have when I was with Lynn. We had our faults; we've both done things we regret and need to work on, no doubt. But I wasn't going to let that feeling go without a fight.

Hope was dangerous, and as much as I tried to go against it, I felt it through my bloodstream and shot through my limbs. I was willing to wait for this girl in front of me. I would wait years as long as I could keep that same feeling I never thought I was capable of. It was sensory overload; that unsolicited need to smile and constantly crave her presence.

Braving my confidence, I took a step toward her.

"We would get close," I continued. "What I never considered was that it wasn't up to me. That the girl I wanted so badly and the girl I wasn't supposed to have synchronized in the same person." I advanced on her a little bit more and I could see the panic in her eyes as she held her fists up in defense. "The one I'm in love with."

Lynn took a step back. I saw it coming, but I was too far away to do anything. One moment she was standing, and the next her ankle gave out from under her and she was on the ground, back against the floor mat.

When I ran up to her, she had her hands over her face and the leg with the bad ankle stretched out, the other bent up with her foot flat against the mat. I didn't hesitate to get on my knees to see if she was okay.

"Lynn," I pleaded, placing my hands on her elbows, trying to pry her hands away from her face. "Lynn, look at me."

From what I could tell she wasn't crying, but I did notice her breathing was hitched and body shaking so I knew it was a matter of time before she started.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, voice muffled behind her hands. "I'm so, so sorry."

It was one thing to watch Lynn break down in the hospital. I knew what she was thinking and understood her distress. This was new to me. She wasn't yet crying, but not exactly leveled out either. A string inside her had been thinning for a long time now, and I think it had finally snapped. Everything, and I mean everything - her parents death, her brother joining the air force, Katie's revenge, Bradley, and now this. There's only so much one person can take before they crumble.

I grabbed her hand in mine and removed it from her face. "Please look at me, Lynn," I soothed. "Why are you sorry?"

Lynn shook her head and opened her eyes, finally looking at me. "I'm sorry for... everything," she whispered through a hoarse voice. "For the way I treated you, for bringing up your past every chance I got, for pushing you away, and for not being strong enough to go through this like a fucking adult."

"Lynn," I said, my other hand coming up to dance my fingers along her hairline and moving them down to run my thumb over her cheekbone.

She continued to shake her head. "I'm so sorry," she said through a sob. "I should have known what I was doing. I'm no better... no better than him. All this time I've been comparing you to Bradley, when I was the one acting like him. I'm-"

"Lynn, stop."

She bit back a sob as my hand laced with hers tightly, making her focus all her attention on me.

"Lynn, I love you," I said, all in one breath, though my voice never once faltered.

More times than not, I sometimes think I could really hate Lynn. It's all I've got with the two of us, and for months I never knew what it was that drove me so insane. But as soon as I said those words out loud, and said it again, and again, it all seemed like the simplest thesis in the world.

"I'm so fucking in love with you I haven't been able to think of anything else for a month."

"Niall," she murmured.

Her voice, the one I found myself hearing when I was between that state of being awake and asleep, echoed off the walls. It was just my name, but the high inside me took over my actions and I didn't give Lynn a chance to react before I was grabbing her face and leaning down to meet her in the middle.

The second our lips connected, this whole new serge of energy went through my bones and I was experiencing a completely different high than a moment ago. Everything seemed to be electric as our lips molded together. Goosebumps formed along Lynn's skin as my fingers trailed down her neck and arms until my hand rested on her hip, pulling her even closer to me.

Every kiss I'd shared with Lynn was different than the last. They were filled with different intentions and emotions.

But this kiss was filled with nothing the others had. It had that bullshit electrical spark you read in romance books, it had that feeling where your head might just float off your neck, it had raw passion I had never experienced in my entire life.

It was real.

But it was also wrong, just like everything else the two of us seemed to do. Lynn didn't love me, and kissing me was only going to break me even more the moment we pull away. On the other hand, I didn't think I was able to go another day and not kiss her.

I was willing to shatter my heart in tiny pieces all over again just to feel her lips against mine one last time.

I felt her fingers in my hair, her leg coming up to my side and trapping me in between her. The kiss continued its steady pace, no lust or hunger to it, just pure affection that told a story. But just like anything else, it had to come to an end.

Lynn was the one to pull away, the look on her face telling me everything I needed to know.

"Please don't," I whispered desperately, knowing exactly what she was going to do next. "Don't run away again."

I expected her to argue, but instead she just continued to stare at me with wide eyes. I've gotten to know Lynn pretty well, but I still wasn't able to read her expressions so easily. I would love to get into her mind. I just want a glimpse so that I can see what she's thinking in black and white without trying to come up with an idea on my own and be completely wrong.

What I saw on Lynn's face was fear. I hoped that I scared her because that would mean she could see potential and she's simply holding herself back. With her fear comes my hope that she'll push the panic aside or barrel through it to see if the reality will follow the possibility she sees and feels in her heart.

I hoped that I scared her because it meant I wouldn't be alone in feeling that way.

That was when it hit me. I knew that scared look on her face. I recognized it because I glimpsed it on my own face through the rear view mirror of my car when I was parked outside Lynn's hall.

"Lynn..."

Her big, deep blue eyes continued to stare into mine, but she managed to open her mouth to speak. "From the moment I first saw you, I knew you were going to make my life a living hell," she whispered slowly. "But I never expected hell to feel like this..."

Then she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down, lips brushing against mine as shivers shot from my neck down to my toes. Her breath against my face smelled like peppermint, a scent I haven't had the pleasure of smelling in so long.

I hovered above her in anticipation to what's to come next, until finally, her lips connect fully with mine.

My palm flattened on the mat beside her head and I leaned my body down so we were chest-to-chest, needing to occupy the space around her, needing to feel and smell every inch of her to burn that familiar memory back into my mind.

Lynn's back arched up off the floor and pressed into me even closer, her fingers running through my hair and down the back of my neck. I easily slotted my body between her legs, moving my lips feverishly against hers as I reveled in the taste of her I'd missed so much. It was another world from that blind, lust that made me want to disappear inside her; she was my counterpart, that missing half who made me a better person, braver, and so disgustingly happier. I didn't care about any arguments against this - I loved her. Feeling any other way was simply illogical.

"I love you," Lynn finally - finally - said. "I love you so much, Niall."

I planted kisses all over her cheeks, wrists, and shoulders until I made my way back to her mouth. Those were the words I had been waiting to hear, and now that they were out there, floating in the air between us, I wasn't going to take them for granted.

"I was just so scared," Lynn continued against my lips, her hands cupping my face and looking into my eyes. "Being around you, it made me feel anxious and lightheaded. I took that as a bad sign and pushed as hard as I could, not knowing those symptoms were the result of falling in love."

A single tear fell down her cheek and I reached up to quickly wipe it away. Lynn smiled from the action and let out a breathy laugh, her fingers coming up to wrap around my wrist and her thumb rubbing along the backside of my hand.

"I've been treated like dirt for so long, Niall," Lynn added, lacing her fingers with mine. "All this time I thought it was just the excitement of the forbidden; I didn't know what love was until I was lying in the hospital bed. My mother had once told me that she knew she was in love when she stopped thinking of home as a place. And when I looked at you, I felt it... I understood it.

"It's you, Niall. It's been you for the past four months. Since the moment I met you. Somewhere between our secrets, deep talks, and small laughs..." she paused and I pulled away slightly so I could look her in the eyes. "I fell in love with you, too."

Hearing those words, out in the open like that, was never going to get old.

I thumbed at the curve of her smile. I had a million things to say and about a million and one questions to ask, but I kept my mouth shut and just enjoyed this moment in her arms. My forehead was against hers, one of her legs wrapped around my waist, smiles ear-to-ear on both of our mouths. I watched her face, memorizing it; every freckle on her cheek and every speckle of color in her eyes. I wanted it etched in my memory so I would forever remember the way she looked when she said those three words.

"I've been... lost these past few days," Lynn admitted softly. "I thought I knew my place in this world, but now that my ankle is worse off than before, I've been having doubts. But my mind always went back to you, Niall. I'm a firm believer that women don't need a man in their life to feel whole, and I still stand with that, but you make me a better person. And I've never felt like I belonged somewhere more than I do right now, here in your arms."

I took a shaky breath, a thought that I had buried deep in my mind was now resurfacing. Lynn wasn't the only one to fuck up in this relationship.

"If I ever try to manipulate you again, know that it's a poor choice of words and not anything malicious," I started slowly. "Call me out on it. I never want to hurt you again."

Lynn took a shaky breath and nodded her head slowly. "Shit happens. And I'll make sure to call your ass out on it. As long as you do the same with me."

I couldn't help but smile. "You have no idea how happy you make me, Lynn."

I barely got the words out before her arm was around my neck and her lips met mine once again. Her leg locked around my waist tighter and she tugged on my hair as we made out like teenagers.

Her lips were soft and gentle as I tucked her hair behind her ear and let my hand linger there, the skin of her cheeks soft against my touch. She began to pull back from the kiss, but I held her there fondly, my hand at the small of her back now. I moved my lips from hers and trailed down to her jaw and buried my face into her neck.

"It feels like I'm going into cardiac arrest," I laughed against her skin.

To prove my point, I sat up and grabbed her hand that was still in mine and lifted it against my chest, right over my heart.

A smile formed on her lips as she looked up at me. "It feels like that for me, too."

I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that, lying on the mat just enjoying each other's company and stealing little kisses. But outside the floor-to-ceiling windows of the gym, the sun had disappeared behind the horizon a long time ago. It could have been anywhere between eight in the evening to one in the morning for all I knew.

"What do we do now?" Lynn questioned.

"How about..." I started, leaning up on my elbow and trailing my fingers down Lynn's arm. "I bring you to my place and elevate your ankle while we watch the replay of the last Portland Thorns' game on ESPN?"

To my surprise, Lynn shook her head. "Can't," she said, and my heart fell. "I promised Jamie I would spend the night with her before she leaves in the morning. I've already been a shitty friend; I don't want to continue that any further."

"I respect that."

"But tomorrow after classes," Lynn added. "I'm all yours."