× Mercury

Three years ago, my parents died. There was a fire and there wasn't anything that could have been done about it. Or at least, that's what the fire department said.

"There's no source of the fire," they had told my brother and I a few days after the accident. "It could have been something with the heating equipment or electrical lighting. There's too much damage to know, it even spread out into the yard."

But they were wrong; there was something that could have been done. The heat and lights were fine; however, my senselessness was not. The day I went to my friend's house for the sleepover, the night my parents were supposed to be getting on a plane for a business trip, was when I decided I wanted to straighten my hair. By the time I was ready to leave for my friend's, I had forgotten all about that idea and left with the straightener still plugged in.

There wasn't any denying that the flat iron was the cause. It could have easily overheated and caught fire. It was my fault for my parent's death and I was still living with the guilt.

I tried telling my brother about it a few months after the accident, but he wouldn't let me get the words out before diagnosing me as having survivor guilt. He explained that he felt the same way and that it will eventually pass. But it's been years and it was more than just survival's guilt.

I thought telling Jamie what happened to my parents would free me, at least a little bit. But it didn't. It made me feel worse because now my best friend thinks I'm a horrible person. She didn't exactly come out and tell me so, but I knew she did. She had to.

"It could have happened to anyone," Jamie had told me. "You can't blame yourself for their death. It was an accident."

It may have been an accident, but I was still guilty of the crime. My hands were red and no amount of soap or alcohol could clean them. I was young and careless, but that still didn't justify what happened. Nothing did.

"You can't just walk out when you're having a bad day," Finn said from behind the bar.

It was Friday night and I had stopped by The Courtyard Bar to pick up my paycheck and tips for the week. I was hoping to do it without being seen, but of course the one person I was trying to avoid saw me. Jamie sat at the bar stool next to me, sipping a virgin Bloody Mary as she silently watched our exchange.

"I know," I agreed sullenly. "But I did call Annie to take over my shift."

Finn wiped down the counter top between us. "You did, which is a lot more than what some people might have done. But that still doesn't make this any better. Sometimes we get swamped and have shitty customers, but that's part of the job."

"I know," I repeated.

"I have every reason to fire you," he said, looking up at me. "But I'm not going to. As you learned, we're very understaffed and you're one of the best waitresses I have."

"I'm just going through some stuff right now," I explained. "And I know that's no excuse but I promise to do better from now on."

"That's good to hear," Finn smiled before walking away to tend to other business.

A slurping sound was heard beside me and I saw Jamie sucking the last of her cocktail up the straw obnoxiously. I watched her for a moment as she continued, not wanting any of it to go to waste.

When she was done, she looked up and saw me staring. "What?"

"You're cute," I grinned.

Jamie rolled her eyes. "So, what's the plan for tonight?"

"Aren't you doing something with Jace?"

"Nah, we saw each other once today. Now I'm here for you."

Right then, my phone started to ring. I looked down to see who was calling and quickly answered. "What's up, Chloe?"

The first thing I heard was loud music and the thumping of a base. Laughter could be heard, making it hard to hear my roommates on the other line. "Lynn..."

"Chloe, what's wrong?" I asked, panicked now. "Are you okay?"

"I need you to come get me," she said softly, her voice cracking. "I'm at Mac's party and there's this guy and- and I need you to come get me. Please."

Without hesitating, I said, "I'm on my way."

I looked at Jamie apologetically as I ended the call. "We're going to have to get a rain check."

Jamie waved me off. "Go, your roommate needs you," she said before leaning down and slurped out of the straw again.

I thanked her and hurriedly ran out of the bar and looked around. The air was chilly, but bearable. I had no idea where Mac's party was let alone know who he was, but just as I was thinking that, a group of girls walked pass dressed like they were planning to have a good time.

I started following them.

× × ×

There was a reason why I didn't want to go to Mac's party. Everyone was going to be there. What kind of fun would you have when you couldn't even move through all the dancing bodies? My theory was proven correct as I weaved through the people, trying to find where the stairs were located. I wasn't having any fun.

An All Time Low song was blasting through the speakers somewhere in the house, reverberating off the walls and flowing across every room. There had to be some hidden speakers because every part of the house I went through, the music was clear, unlike the minds of the intoxicated drunks around me.

Chloe had texted me five minutes ago that she was in the bedroom at the end of the hallway, the only problem with that was I didn't even know how to get to the hallway. I would have had better luck just going outside and walking up the deck to the second floor, but I was in too deep now to turn around.

I eventually found the stairs and made my way up. That was easier said than done, however, as people decided to hangout on the steps and smoke instead of going outside like they should have done.

Walking through the haze of toxins, I got to the second level and pushed my way through to the door at the end of the hall. I couldn't tell if there was any commotion on the other side of the door as the music was too loud below, so I gave a quick knock and swung the door open.

Chloe sitting on the floor, face streaked with tears and worry. Knees up to her chest and shaking violently. Looking up at me from the movement of the door and running into my arms.

That's what I expected to find in the room, except that wasn't what I got at all.

I was at a college party so I shouldn't have been surprised to find people doing the dirty, but it did surprise me not only because Chloe wasn't in the room, but because of who the two naked people on the bed were.

Together, they looked over at me and my eyes locked onto ones that once reminded me of the Santa Monica Ocean.

Niall Horan.

A girl with frizzy, dirty blonde hair sat on the boy under her, fingers through his hair and naked from the waist up. I didn't know her name, but I knew that yellow hair. The last time I've seen it, it was through a crack of a bathroom stall in the Aspen House.

I felt my finger start to twitch in anticipation as my world around me slowed down. The All Time Low song dulled and the other noise of the party was nonexistent, impossible to compete over the roar of blood pumping in my ears. My throat closed up and my heart fell to my stomach as I looked at the figures on the bed.

This wasn't anything like finding Bradley with Lucy back on the UCLA campus months ago. I had felt liberated and free from catching him in the act. This didn't feel anything like that. I felt hollow and broken, like I just walked onto a crime scene of a loved one.

A sudden hollowness in my stomach and a tight squeeze around my heart made me stop and stare. Cerberus the three-headed dog, Gorgons who turn man to stone, Hydra the nine-headed serpent, the man-eating Minotaur, and the beautifully horrific voices of the Sirens were all monsters. But nothing could beat the green monster of jealously that lurked inside me. I shouldn't be feeling this way - I couldn't feel this way. He was Niall Horan, my teammate and nothing more.

Then all at once, the music and chatter came rushing back and I was in present time again, though the heavy feeling was still there.

"I'm sorry," I said monotonously as I took a step back.

In a flash, Niall pushed the girl off him and he was out of bed and pulling his jeans on. "Lynn, wait."

But I didn't stick around to see what he wanted. I ran out of the room, my heart pounding in my chest. It hurt to see him with another girl, but I honest to God couldn't tell you why that was. He didn't do anything wrong; we weren't together and he had every right to fuck whoever he wanted.

The cold hit me like a bullet when I stepped out of the house. The fresh air was welcoming after surrounding myself with the stuffy atmosphere and sweaty bodies pressed against my body.

I barely made it down the block before my name was called after me.

Niall stood a few feet away in his jeans and shirt. His hair that I noticed yesterday he had recently cut, was a mess no doubt from the action he was getting in the bedroom. That girl from the bathroom was right; she got him alone and made him think about no one but her.

"Are you okay?" he asked, taking a step toward me, only resulting in me taking a step back.

"I'm fine," I deadpanned.

"You don't look fine," he observed, continuing to advance in my direction. "Why are you upset?"

"I'm not upset."

We were far enough away from the party to not be seen from anyone outside on the yard, but close enough to still feel the thumping of the bass in our chests. When he got to me, he didn't reach out, but he did look at me like he knew everything I was feeling, even if I wasn't even entirely sure what those feelings were.

"Tell me what's wrong."

I held back knowing I would instantly be vulnerable the second the words left my lips, but not even my willpower could keep me silent.

"You lied to me," I whispered.

He looked me over, and his gaze only made me feel smaller than I already did. "How did I lie to you?"

"You told me..." My voice was starting to shake, and no matter how strong I was trying to be, I had to pause to try and compose myself enough to continue. "You said that you didn't have any desire to sleep with anyone ever since I entered your life. You lied to me."

"You hurt me, Lynn," he sneered suddenly. "I've been losing my mind trying to get you out of my head but everything I've tried didn't fucking work! I tried drinking until I passed out, pushing my limits at the gym, and even distracting myself by watching porn nonstop. Nothing was working! Whenever I went to sleep, you were in my dreams. And when I sit in chemistry, the simple mention of mercury makes me want to crawl into a hole. Sleeping with that girl was my last resort and that didn't even work!"

At this point, my sadness was starting to boil over into anger. "You think falling back to your old habits is the answer?" my voice cracked dramatically at the end, tears brimming my eyes. I held them back, though, bidding myself to stay strong. "Sex is always the solution with you, isn't it? Was it like that with me, too? Before things got too real?"

"That's not-"

"Save it," I sneered and turned around to walk away.

Before I could even take a step, Niall had his hand in mine, drawing me back so I was facing him again.

"Don't do this to me, Lynn." His voice wavered but offered no emotion behind it, his face stone cold and his eyes dull. "Seeing you upset like this is giving me hope, even if it's just a little bit. And I can't afford to think like that."

I looked down at our hands. The date we went on a few weeks ago pushed its way through my memories and I recalled what he said about holding hands.

It makes me feel connected.

The conversation with Jamie opened my eyes to what I was doing to Niall, and even hearing what she had to say, I still did it. I told myself that I needed to find a beginning point to overcome the toxic inside me; this seemed like the best time to start.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, the breeze taking my voice away. "I didn't... I shouldn't bring up your past like that and I'm sorry. I know why you do it, I just can't help myself to think the worst, you know?"

To my surprise, Niall pulled on my hand, making me have no choice but to get closer to him. I expected myself to flinch as he slowly brushed a strand of hair away from my face, but the touch was welcoming. It always had been. I could feel his minty breath on my face, his body heat radiating off him like a sauna. The woodsy smell of his cologne engulfed me and I was quickly overwhelmed with familiarity and comfort.

He kept silent and continued to look at me, but I refused to look back in fear that I might do something stupid. I knew I wasn't making this easy for him and I was probably dropping on the shittiest-person-list as the seconds passed, but I couldn't pull away.

Finally, after gathering my courage and self-control, I looked up at him. "You shouldn't love me, Niall," I whispered. "You deserve someone better."

I took a step back, out of his embrace, and waited for his reaction. He didn't give one, and fortunately, I preferred it like that. I knew it was hard for him to keep the cold exterior, but it made it easier on me this way - made it easier to walk away.

And that's what I did.

The conversation I had with Jamie came to mind then, about needing to give Niall closure. This wouldn't have been the way I'd gone about it, but I was afraid I wouldn't have another chance.

I removed my hand from his and stepped back, making sure he wouldn't follow, and turned around, making my long trip back to the dorms.

× × ×

There's been some confusion in this chapter so I'm clearing it up. Chloe was not in the room with Niall and that other girl. Lynn expected to find her there but instead it was just those two. Chloe was not physically in this chapter. Hope this helps.

-Jess