× Mercury

"Who's Hazel?" Chloe asked.

I looked up from my phone. She was lying in bed, the covers up to her chin, watching me. We had turned the lights off an hour ago after Jace and I got back to the room after sitting in one of the lounges talking about what happened. Now he was sleeping on the floor next to my bed. His roommate was out for the night and he didn't want to be alone. I was happy to let him crash at my place. I didn't give Chloe the option to refuse.

"She was a friend of his," I explained as simply as I could.

When Jace and I were talking in the lounge, I had asked him why he didn't stay at Niall's. There was more room there and the Lee House was closer to Niall's then mine, not to mention the two of them were closer than the two of us.

"After I got the news, I called Jamie," Jace had confessed. "She told me to go spend the night in your room, so here I am. Maybe because you're female and naturally have mothering instincts, I don't know..."

He ended up trailing off, but he didn't need to continue. I knew Jace and Niall were really close, but there was something about men crying in front of each other that they didn't do. Like it was in the Official Bro Code or something. Either way, I was happy to comfort him since I knew he put up with a lot of mine and Niall's drama these past few months. It was the least I could do.

I looked down at the sleeping boy on the floor. It was strange to see him so peaceful when only an hour ago he was clinging to me, balling his eyes out. It made me sad, too, seeing him broken like that. Jace was one of the nicest, purest guys I knew and he didn't deserve for a friend of his to die.

"I don't know Jace that well," Chloe started. "But I've heard some really nice things about him. Is all that true?"

"Jace would take a bullet for a rat," I confirmed.

Chloe nodded and pulled the covers up further, covering half her face. She looked drowsy with her slow movements and droopy eyes. But I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet; I had some questions for her.

We were on rough waters because of her snooping through my things, but Chloe was never one to give an answer just to make you feel better. She was completely honest and upfront about things, which is why a lot of people call her a bitch. She might have a lot of issues, but that blunt attitude was the one thing I liked most about her.

"Do you think I'm conceited?" I asked her.

She looked at me oddly, brows furrowed. "No," she answered simply. "I mean, you're letting a boy sleep in our room because he didn't want to be alone. That doesn't say conceited to me."

I looked at Jace's sleeping body and then back at Chloe. "Am I a slut?"

"Jesus, Lynn. Where are these questions coming from?"

"Just answer them. Please."

Chloe sighed and rolled over on her back, running her hands down her face. "No, you're not a slut. I thought you didn't like those kinds of words, so why would you even think that?"

I shrugged but didn't say anything. I knew that girl in the bathroom was only saying those things because she was jealous, or maybe she honest to God really thought of me as a slut, but either way I knew better then to takes those words to heart. I've been called worse, so I had no idea why this was affecting me more than usual.

I plugged my phone in the charger and sat it on the night stand before slumping down in the bed and pulling the duvet up and over me. I was hoping sleep would come easily to me, but for the past three days I've gotten nothing but restlessness and insomnia. So why would tonight be any different?

× × ×

Early the next morning, there was a knock on the door. Or at least I thought there was a knock but it was so soft that it could have easily been a car door slamming shut from outside. When the noise didn't continue, I settled back into the bed and tried to go back to sleep.

But the noise was heard again and I knew I wasn't just imagining things.

I groaned and flung the blankets off my body and let the cool hair of the room hit me. It did little to wake me up, but I sat up anyways. Morning was never a good time for me, especially when it was six in the morning. The room was still dark, the moon still up in the sky and peeking through the blinds of the window. I groaned.

Who the hell knocks on someone's door at six in the morning?

Flinging my legs over the side of the bed, I stood up only to step on something soft and warm. I squealed and sat back on the bed in surprise as Jace moved and looked up at me in irritation. His hair was a mess and the sleep in his eyes was evident. He looked pissed that he was woken up by being stepped on. I didn't really blame him.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, my hands over my mouth in embarrassment. "I totally forgot you were down there."

His face softened and rubbed his eyes. "What are you doing up, anyways? It's still dark out."

Before I could answer, the knock came again, but this time it was followed by my name. The voice was muffled through the wood but there wasn't any denying who was on the other side of the door.

I stepped over Jace and went to the door and opened it, a wide smile already plastered on my face.

Jamie stood in the hallway, hair up in a ponytail and wearing sweat pants and a winter coat. She had a duffel bag over her shoulder and a smaller bag clutched in her hand. She looked just as tired as I felt.

"Jamie!" I shouted, throwing my arms around her in a muddled bear hug since she was cladded with bags. I pulled away and looked her up and down. "Oh my god, I can't believe you're here."

"I know!" she expressed excitedly, bright blue eyes twinkling. "I wish it was under different circumstances, though."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jace," she said simply. "He called telling me what happened with Hazel. I booked a flight as soon as I heard. Wanted to be here for him."

"Really?"

Jamie and I looked behind me at the soft voice that spoke. Jace was sitting up on his elbows, looking at Jamie like she was a godsend. His blue eyes were large and bright, and no matter how hard he might have tried, there wasn't stopping the smile that spread on his lips. When I looked back at Jamie, the same smile was on her face.

I remember when she came to see the first game I played with the London Lions. They were awkward together, but not too much so that it was painful to watch. I remember thinking that they were cute because their height differences were so comical. My opinion on that didn't change; they were damn adorable together. And it was clear to me that they were happy, too, which was the most important thing.

Jace stood up just as the duffel bag and carry-on dropped to the floor. Jamie closed the distance between them as they hugged tightly. Jamie only went up to his chest, but it was the perfect height for Jace to dip his head down and lean his forehead on her shoulder.

Looking behind me, I saw that Chloe was still sound asleep. That girl could sleep through a hurricane.

"You flew all the way here just to see me?" Jace asked as they pulled away, but only slightly.

"Well, and to see Lynn," Jamie grinned. "But you sounded so upset on the phone, and I knew how you felt about Hazel..."

Jace just looked at her, like he honestly couldn't believe she was in his arms. Instead of responding, he just pulled her closer in another crushing hug. I felt like an intruder looking in as they started to sway, so I grabbed a blanket and left the room. Hopefully no one was in the lobby to interrupt my sleep.

The hallway was brightly lit with florescent lights. My socked feet were silent as I walked along the carpet. Everything around me was silent, which was kind of odd at six in the morning on a school day.

When I walked passed the little kitchen, I paused in the threshold when my stomach started to growl. I debated if I should eat or just go back to sleep in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the lobby downstairs, but when my tummy made another noise, I decided to turn the lights on in the kitchen and set the blanket down on one of my chairs. My first class was at ten thirty, but with Jamie there I knew sleep was pretty much hopeless.

I looked in the fridge to see what kind of concoction I could make with what's inside and came up with the perfect breakfast food: omelets.

After getting out the eggs, butter, shredded cheese, chopped ham, and baby spinach, I looked through cupboards until I found the right pan and correct measuring spoons.

It wasn't until I was finishing up the second omelet did I hear someone come into the kitchen.

"Whatcha making?" I heard Jamie ask from behind me.

Looking over my shoulder, I saw Jamie and Jace sitting down at the little table in the center of the kitchen, watching me. "Omelets," I told her. "You want one?"

"You know I can't turn down that."

I finished up the second one and put in on the plate with the first before setting it down in front of Jamie, giving her a fork. I ended up making Jace one, too, and five minutes later the three of us were sitting around the table eating.

It was fun just being in their company, but Jace and Jamie were being too quiet and I knew something was up. Frustrated with their silence, I slammed my fork down on the table and stared at the two of them until they said something.

Jamie was the first to crack.

"We need to talk," she said sadly. When I didn't respond, she sighed deeply. "About you and Niall."

"I don't have anything to say."

"Really?"

When I calmed down a little after Niall had told me he loved me, I called Jamie to tell her what happened. She wasn't surprised that he felt that way toward me, apparently she and Jace had discussed it together before. The only problem with their theory was that they thought I felt the same way. They were mistaken.

I still hadn't seen Niall since what happened between us. He was MIA and I had to admit to myself that I was worried about him. But what could I honestly do to make him feel better?

Jace leaned back in his chair. "He called me... after he told you," he started slowly. "He said some things and I said some things. We're good now, but he was really pissed and heartbroken... still is."

I've never been in a serious relationship, or at least not to the point of exchanging those three little words. Bradley said them a few times, but I knew to take it with a grain of salt - he was only trying to get into my pants. Aside from my family and friends, I've never loved anyone outside of the platonic zone.

"You need to talk to him," Jamie said, cutting right to the point.

I looked at her, confused. "How's that going to help?"

"Closure. All you did was yell at him to leave, that's not the way to end things." She paused for a moment, thinking. "That's what you want, right? To end things?"

Slumping in my chair, I shrugged. "I don't really see a way around it, Jam. Things are different now. Ending it would be for the best, I think."

I didn't get into this expecting anything. I thought it would be fun even though it was totally wrong. Things escalated too quickly for my liking and I had to tell him to get away. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. I didn't feel the same way as him and I refuse to string him along with false hope that I might get to that point because the truth is, I won't ever get to it. It wouldn't feel right to continue things.

"You don't sound so sure," Jace said.

"I am," I stated harshly. "It was going to have to end at some point. I just wished it went differently."

"You can still change the ending, Lynn."

My hands balled into fists, but I didn't say anything. Talking about the end saddened me. It wasn't that I didn't like Niall, clearly for how far we had gone. But even talking to him to make things better wasn't going to mean we were going to start up where we left off. It was still the end, and nothing was going to change that. I may not love him, but there was something special that I just couldn't let go. And it hurt to think I won't get to feel his hands on my skin again or his hair through my fingers. It hurt because it mattered.

"I should get going," Jace said and stood up. "I'm going to try and go to my classes and my first one starts in an hour and a half and I have to take a shower and change yet." He stretched and looked at Jamie. "I'll see you around, yeah? Later tonight?"

Jamie nodded and Jace leaned down to give her a quick kiss. I looked away and down at the floor. They said goodbye and then it was only Jamie and I in the kitchen. She pushed her empty plate to the center of the table and scooted her chair closer to mine.

"I know this is hard, Lynn, but we really think you should talk to him. Sort all this mess out," she said sincerely.

"It's not a mess," I whispered. "He just loves me and I don't love him back."

Jamie looked at me, like if she looked long enough she might find something in my eyes I wasn't saying through my mouth. She could look all she wanted, but she wasn't going to find anything she liked.

"I get you went through a lot of shit in your life, with your parents death and Bradley," Jamie started. I made sure to pay close attention because the only time Jamie ever swore is when it was really coming from the heart. "And maybe you're not one hundred percent in control of your actions, but you need to open your eyes and see what you're doing to Niall."

"Jamie, I don't know how to make this easier for us. I don't lo-"

"Lynn Louise Mercury," Jamie interrupted sternly. "Listen to me. I'm not talking about his confession. I'm talking about the times you spent together. You didn't treat him right, Lynn. You were always bringing up his past despite him obviously overcoming it. You were always comparing him to Bradley, but have you ever thought that maybe you're the one that turned into him?"

The whole time I was seeing Bradley, Jamie had to watch from the sidelines as I got used and manipulated over and over again. I guess if anyone were to know the signs more than me, it was Jamie.

"I love you, Lynn, but you have some things to work through," Jamie added. "Just know that you're not alone. Jace and I are here to help you anyway you need."

Looking down at my hands, I thought about the nights Niall and I spent together. It was hard to know what I was doing in the moment, but thinking back it was clear as day the mental abuse I was putting on him. I should have known better, and Bradley might have some part of that, but it was my fault nevertheless. I did have some things to sort through; I just had to figure out where to start.

Jamie sat back in her seat with a sigh, like what she said had been on her chest for a while and she had just now grown the courage to tell me.

"You need to talk to Niall, though," she said. "If not to tell him that the feeling is mutual, then to at least apologize for the way you were treating him."

I nodded, knowing that was a good place to start. "I'll put it on top of my to-do-list."

"Good, now how about we stop talking about boys and talk about something that actually matters: soccer."

"What about it?"

"You, specifically," Jamie said. "You've never come out and said it to me, but I can see it in your eyes and the way you talk about it. You're losing that spark when you're playing."

"I love soccer," I defended.

She laughed. "I'm not saying you don't, but you're losing focus on your dream. Is there something else that caught your interest? Or are you figuring out that this isn't what you want to do? Photography, maybe? Whatever it is, you need to do some soul searching to find it."

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I was born into soccer. I lived and breathed the sport because of my parents, mostly from my dad. But my dream to go professional was mine. My parents didn't pressure me in any way to join a team, they didn't force me to play and have a mindset of the sport. Granted, living in a household like that did have some influence, but when it came down to it, they were my choices.

"Do whatever the hell it takes to feel real again," she added with a smile. "That's what's most important."

"I just..." I trailed off. "I don't know what to do."

Jamie sat for a moment, thinking. "How about you close your eyes," she advised. "Just like Emily made you do before choosing to go to London."

I remembered that day perfectly. My friends and I were all sitting around in my room, discussing my options whether I should go to London or not. That was also the day I caught Bradley with Lucy...

Knowing it wasn't going to make much of a difference, I closed my eyes anyways.

"Good. Now, where do you see yourself in five years?" Jamie asked. "Are you on a soccer field playing with the Portland Thorns, or are you out exploring the world with a camera in your hand?"

Seeing myself in the future was scary. Five years from now I would be twenty five, slowly falling into my late twenties and starting to think about what I was going to do with my life - would I really decide to settle down and have kids despite my dislike for them? And if that were to happen, would I even have the time to go out and see the world let alone have the money to buy all the fancy equipment?

Jamie was right. I was losing focus. I didn't feel the same way for soccer as I did when I was younger. I can't even blame London for my change because I've been feeling it ever since getting into the UCLA Bruin's soccer team. London was just the place where it all fell together.

Soccer might have been my dream for a long time, but maybe that had changed. Maybe something else was taking over my interest.

"When I was home for Thanksgiving, I found something in the attic," I told Jamie. "It was my mom's old camera. I brought it to the photography teacher here and he told me everything I needed to know about the type and all its settings and how to develop the film. And I was hanging onto his every word, Jam. It was interesting to me."

"You always liked photography," she smiled.

"I never knew my mom was into photography, but Grandma told me she used to take pictures of everything. I was so caught up with what Dad was into that I just assumed Mom was the same way when it came to soccer. But she had hobbies of her own I didn't even know about..."

I looked at Jamie. There were a million reasons why we keep secrets. We have them so we can keep the peace. We hold onto secrets to keep other people happy or safe. We keep secrets from other people, and we keep secrets from ourselves that we are too scared to admit.

For me, I kept the secret about the death of my parents because I was afraid their version of me that they knew and loved would change. But I've been thinking a lot lately that I should tell Jamie about what happened; it was silly that I was keeping that from her for this long. I trusted Jamie with my life; I could trust her to not look at me any differently. And now that we were alone, it was the perfect time to come clean.

"When I was seventeen, the house I grew up in burned to the ground," I started. Automatically, I reached up and clasped my fingers around the gold band around my neck. "My parents were in that house."

I told Jamie everything that happened that night. How they were supposed to be out of town for a business trip, and that Anders and I were out with friends. I told her how I got the call that there was a fire and how I ran all the way home to see the house light up in flame, how the firefighters had to hold me back from running right into the inferno, and that I was told once I was in the hospital that my parents didn't make it. I told her everything from start to end and she sat and listened, without making a sound.

It wasn't until I was finished did she move. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I tucked my head into her neck and closed my eyes. The familiar smell of strawberries from her shampoo engulfed me and it reminded me of home.

"That's not all, though," I said, pulling away from her.

"There's more?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. There was more. The part of the story no one knew about; not Niall, not even my brother. It was the reason why I kept my parents death a secret from Jamie for this long. It was the dark secret I wouldn't dare let out into the world. Until now.

"I'm the one who killed my parents."