× Horan

I had almost forgotten what heartbreak felt like.

I already went through that horrible stretch of time where I thought that things would never be okay again. I already relished in the depths of self-pity and engaged in the necessary six-month period of crying over Adele songs in the shower. My first heartbreak knocked the wind out of me, but then a miracle happened - I recovered. Kind of. I learned my lesson, anyways.

But it wasn't supposed to happen a second time. I was so careful for the past five years. I thought of all the days and nights I spent promising myself not to ever feel heartbroken or be that vulnerable again as I slept with girl after girl.

Then I found myself willingly walking through the fire once more, burning with every step I took. The second time around should have protected my emotional immune system, but there was no denying the hollow feeling in my chest as I stared at the wooden door in front of me.

I pulled out my phone and quickly found the contact I was looking for and pressed call. As I tugged my shoes on, the phone rang in my ear.

"What's up, Horan?" Jace asked through the receiver.

After putting on my button down and jacket, I marched down the hall and passed the elevator, the adrenaline pumping through my blood wasn't going to allow me to stand still and wait.

"You ruined my life," I snapped, bounding down the steps. "Now I'm left with nothing."

"Whoa, hold on a second," Jace said. "What are you talking about?"

Pushing past a group of girls chatting in the middle of the foyer, I left the Aspen house. "I fucking told Lynn that I love her," I explained. "I took your advice and it all went to shit. This is all your fault, you never should have told me to do that!"

"You told her you loved her? Holy shit," he said. "Look, I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I didn't force you to tell her. It was advice, Niall."

"Nononono," I snapped. A guy outside leaning against the building smoking looked at me oddly. I glared at him and he instantly looked away. "You don't get to substantiate this, Layton. You said, and I quote, 'you need to tell her you love her'. We were fine until you got that idea into my head."

"I didn't make you do anything!"

"You were the one pushing this on me!"

"Niall, listen to me-"

"No, Jace, you listen to me," I retaliated roughly as I unlocked my car and slid into the driver side. "My biggest fear was to fall in love and get hurt again. You knew that and yet you didn't stop me. You didn't even try to stop me."

"Yes I did! Multiple times!"

"But in the end you said she was worth it! You told me to go for it despite Coach's rule!"

Jace scuffed. "This is ridiculous. You're accusing me of something I had no control over. You did what you did, not me. Your head is trying to figure out the best conclusion of the situation and you came up with me."

"I came up with you because you're the only common denominator!"

"You did this to yourself, Niall," he stated sternly. "This isn't my fault. This is all on you and you know it."

The slam of my car door silenced Jace on the other end.

"Are you driving?" he asked, a lot calmer now. "Niall, you know that's not a good idea when upset like this."

I laughed bitterly. "Would it be so bad if I were to get in a wreck?"

"Jesus," Jace said under his breath. "Where are you? Lynn's? Stay there and let me pick you up."

"Fuck you."

I hung up and threw the phone on the passenger seat before taking a big breath and slamming my fists against the dashboard. I cussed and continued to pound on the plastic and the steering wheel, needing a way to get my anger out because yelling at Jace clearly wasn't enough.

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, or better known as broken heart syndrome, revolves around the weakening of the muscular portion of your heart that's triggered by emotional stress. It can lead to cardiac arrest and death. I had learned that from looking it up the first time.

Heartache can literally kill you.

Our brains react to heartbreak in the same way they react to physical pain. You never want to belittle it by saying "it's all in your head" because it was so much more than that, and I never understood it until Alina. Rejection seemed to be one of the most painful things we experience. The feelings of heartbreak could be sustained even longer than being angry, and I wasn't looking forward to the future of that.

I put my face in my hands. "Fuck," I whispered, my voice breaking in my throat.

Slowly, I removed my hands and only then realized where I was parked. Only two and half weeks ago I was in the same parking spot, coming to the conclusion that there wasn't any way around it - I was in love with Lynn. Only now when I looked up at her window, I didn't see her walking around the room unpacking. I didn't feel the butterflies or the fear of the unknown.

I was just numb.

× × ×

I didn't cry very often, but now I couldn't seem to stop. I wasn't balling or blubbering, but tears kept rimming around my eyes and falling down my cheek without my control. Which was why when I got back to the Newman House, I went straight to my hall and slammed the door. Not only did I not want anyone to see me like that, but I also didn't want people to start asking questions because I wasn't so sure I could control myself long enough to lie.

It was pathetic. I was pathetic. I've known Lynn for five months, how could I be such a mess over her? I was so sure she felt the same way about me, Jace thought so, too, but in the end it didn't matter because this was my fate. It had always been my fate. The outcome was going to happen like this one way or another.

My room was dark with the blinds shut, the only light coming from the night light plugged into the wall, the one Lynn had gotten me for Christmas.

Without hesitation, I walked the room and ripped the light out of the plugin and chucked it at the wall. The plastic didn't break, but the light bulb shattered against the plaster and fell to the floor in a mess, the room instantly fell in a sheet of black.

I didn't have any pictures of Lynn like I did with Alina; the only thing she had given me was the nightlight. I wasn't even sure I had any clothes of hers that she had left, which was odd because I had a drawer dedicated to garments left behind by girls I had fucked in the past - bras, panties, even socks - but none of them belonged to Lynn. It was like she was careful not to leave any traces of her behind, but she didn't seem to take the marks she left on my skin into consideration - it was going to take a week or two for those to disappear, and haunt me every day until then.

I stared at the mess on the floor, running my hands through my hair. It was too quiet in that damn room. My heavy breathing was going to drive me insane. I needed to distract myself.

Then I saw the textbook lying open on my desk. Abstract Convexity and Global Optimization, or better known as game theory.

Pulling the sleeve of my shirt down over my hand, I whipped at the drying tears on my cheek and walked over to the desk. I turned the lamp on and looked down at the page open in front of me.

In romantic relationships, it is essential for both parties to trust each other and expose their vulnerability if they are going to get to romantic bliss. But this is a highly risky strategy. If you show your vulnerability and your significant other doesn't, then you risk getting hurt.

I had to laugh at that. Whoever wrote this knew exactly what they were talking about.

Your best bet is to hold back on exposing your vulnerability, keep up some sort of guard and continue to be cutoff. This way, nothing too awful can happen to you. You won't get to romantic bliss, but you won't get devastated either.

I ran my hand over the sleek page, feeling the slight bumps of the printed lettering under my fingertips. Without my knowing, I was using game theory to my advantage the whole time, way before I met Lynn. Sleeping around, staying away from any romantic feelings, and making sure to keep my vulnerability buried. It was foolproof, safe, and guaranteed to keep me from getting hurt; the real reason I did it in the first place.

But I thought I could use game theory to my advantage in the other direction. I had been wrong and ultimately fell great lengths from that theory. Now I was left with... nothing. I wouldn't get to feel her skin again, or the peppermint smell of her hair, or the warmth she radiated when we slept together.

It was gone. All gone.

There was a knock on my door. I slammed the textbook shut and didn't think much of it as I walked the room and saw who dared pay me a visit.

"Don't slam the door on me," Jace said the second I flung the door open. "I just wanted to make sure you got here safe."

I stood in the threshold watching him. The moment I got back to my hall and had time to think everything through, I instantly felt guilty on how I treated Jace. He was just in the crossfire. And even after all that, he was at my door concerned for my safety. Jace knew I had flaws and straight up tells me if I do something that he doesn't like or isn't appropriate. Jace has my full trust in everything, and seeing him at my door now only told me that he felt the same.

I didn't slam the door in his face like he had assumed, and instead walked away and took a seat on my bed.

Jace didn't say anything as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. My back was to him, but I knew he was taking in the place one mess at a time.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," I said in the silence. When he didn't say anything, I continued. "You were right; I was looking for an excuse. I know this isn't your fault, or Lynn's at that matter. I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut."

He still didn't say anything and I was getting worried that I really fucked up this time, more than the other fifty million times.

I looked over my shoulder at him to see that he was staring at the broken night light in the corner. Jace didn't know why I was scared of the dark, but he knew it wasn't a good sign when I break the one source of light I always have on.

"Did I ever tell you how I got over Alina?" I asked, not expecting him to answer.

Jace took a seat on the chair in the corner and leaned his elbows on his knees, silently telling me that he was listening.

"I turned into a douchebag," I explained. "I spent shit tones of money on stupid things like a personalized number plate for my outrageously expensive car and about a dozen Rolex watches of every color. And then I bragged about it to my friends because it made me feel better - an odd way of coping, I guess. It made me feel in control having higher privilege than them."

I left out the part that I lost all my friends because of my attitude. They all hated me for the way I acted, even if they knew why I was doing it. I guess I didn't blame them. At the time I didn't understand, it wasn't like my insolence was going to last. But now that I was away from that lifestyle, I wouldn't have stayed either. I was a dick and I deserved to be alone.

"I guess it only makes sense that I turned into the same wanker I was back then," I concluded.

Jace sighed and finally spoke. "The first thing you need to do is not overthink it," he said, looking at me. "You always jump to conclusions and over analyze everything. You need to get out of your head and-"

"Lynn always got me out of my head," I interrupted.

"Stop! That right there needs to stop. You can't cope if you keep bringing her up."

I groaned and fell back against the bed, arms over my head and eyes shut. I had calmed down some since leaving Lynn's, but I was pretty sure the hollow in my chest was going to be permanent. It wasn't going to be easy, but Jace was right... again. I had to get her out of my mind, at least until I was ready and completely composed to do so.

"I've been doing some thinking," Jace said. "Maybe this is for the best."

I sat bolt upright and stared at him. "What? After telling me to go for it, you're taking it back?"

Jace ran a hand through his hair, clearly getting frustrated with me. "No, I just... Thinking back about what you have told me, I'm not so sure you two are a good fit, to be honest."

"Can you elaborate?"

"You're always telling me that she's constantly bringing up your past of sleeping around. That's not exactly healthy, Niall. Do you ever mention how she was foolish enough to be manipulated by that Bradley person?"

"Once. It was before we even... did anything."

"So, a long time ago," Jace summed up. "What Lynn is doing now isn't healthy, Niall. I know a lot of this is because of that Bradley person; she has fears just like you, but the difference is that you conquered them and she's still living in that nightmare. You climbed a higher mountain than she has and all she's doing is knocking the rocks out from under you instead of trying to reach the peek herself. A relationship is built on support... not destruction."

I've never been in a toxic relationship to know the signs, but Jace was making a lot of sense and it was starting to scare me.

Jace sighed. "I love Lynn as much as I love you, but that girl doesn't need a boyfriend right now. She needs therapy and support."

But there was some good that came out this. It changed me and made me into a better person - if it wasn't for Lynn, I might still be sleeping around with a new girl every week and walking around like I owned the place, my egotistical mind at full power. Lynn also challenged the perceptions I had about myself - it forced me to reconsider myself and others in a more sympathetic way. It broke down walls that I created and encouraged me to keep them down for good.

I had only hoped these benefits went both ways, but Lynn was going to need some time to really see that she doesn't have to be ruled my Bradley.

"I can't really blame Lynn, though," I told Jace. "Her last relationship was completely constructed on manipulation. Her trust is hard to gain because of that, and when I finally did, I tarnished it on New Year's."

To my surprise, Jace smiled. "But you had it," he said. "Which means you can gain it back. It's just going to take time, that's all."

"What time!?" I shouted and stood up. "We can't go back to what it was, not anymore. Not since she knows how I feel about her. The only way this can be fixed is if the love is requited."

The look on Jace's face was knowing. "Like I said... give it time."

"I did something worse, though," I told him. "I may not bring up Bradley but I think I'm turning into him without even noticing."

"What do you mean?"

"Manipulation. I did it again the other day at the away game. I didn't even know I was doing it until she called me out. For all I know, I've been doing it the whole time and only now know about it because Lynn sees the signs. Game theory is a fucking joke, you were right about that. Fuck, you were right about a lot of things."

That was when I saw it. It wasn't true when I pointed out that I didn't have any picture of her around my room, because wedged between the pages of the calendar tacked to the wall, stuck out a photograph of Lynn.

The picture was taken from the Polaroid camera after we first slept together. She was sitting up in bed, the sheet covering her front. Her caramel hair was a mess from sleep, pushed back from her hand running through it. The markings of her bra were still etched into her skin from the night before, but no love bites were seen in the photo even though I knew they were there on her skin, only hidden from view. Her eyes were closed, like she wasn't ready for the picture, but her smile... God her smile could light up a thousand suns. It was so gentle and effortless, so full of life and peace.

Slowly taking the image from in between the calendar pages, I ran my thumb over the gloss finish.

All my emotions came flooding back to me then - the pain, the love, the hurt, and passion. All those feelings were swirling around me all at once and I didn't know what to do. I felt sick, like my heart was actually ripped out of my chest.

I'm not sure when or how it happened, but I was wrong to ever call Lynn a dreamer. Our roles seemed to have reversed. Here I stood soaring through a fantasy I knew would be too good to achieve, and Lynn had nothing but cold rational grasps of the future on her side.

"Niall?"

I heard Jace trying to get my attention and I was finally drawn back to reality, but the emotions were still there on top of the surface.

"Why does it feel like I'm dying?" I asked quietly.

With everything happening inside me at once, that's honestly what it felt like. I felt like I was dying. That was the only word I could think of to describe what I was feeling. I didn't feel like this when Alina left. Sure I was utterly hurt, but not to this degree. Not to the point of feeling like my heart was actually going to burst in the worst way possible.

"Love and Death aren't much different from each other," Jace told me.