× Mercury

When Niall first asked me out on a date, I didn't really know what to expect. I thought maybe we would do the typical dinner and a movie, maybe a stroll through the park. But as we walked up to an outside ice rink, I wasn't exactly sure how to react.

It was a small rink, maybe a hundred feet a square. It was in the middle of the small city, with tall business buildings and frosty trees around the circumference. There were a few families and a couple out on the rink already, but other than that, it was deserted.

"Isn't this kind of cliché?" I asked with a quirk of an eyebrow.

"Are you making fun of me?" Niall asked, offended.

We walked up to the ice house and stepped inside. I followed Niall to the desk at the front and watched as he handed the lady behind the counter five pounds. "Not you," I assured him. "Just your idea of a date."

"You're mean," he laughed. "Why can't you just be happy and shut up?"

We told the lady our shoe size and waited as she grabbed the skates. She placed a pair of white and black blades on the counter and we took them before heading toward the back of the ice house and sitting down on a bench.

The moment I had my shoes off, a thought occurred to me.

"Oh my God," I said in a panic.

Niall looked at me, a little scared. "What? What's wrong?" he asked. "If it's the skating, we don't have to do it. We can do something else."

"No, no, it's not that," I assured him and dug my phone out of my coat pocket. "It's my brother. When I was hanging out with Jace, Anders video chatted me but I had to take a phone call and left to talk in my room. Matt was keeping him company until I got back."

Niall looked at his watch around his wrist. "You want to go back? We've only been gone ten minutes; he might still be with Matt. Talking to your brother is more important than this."

I groaned and dialed Matt's number. I'd hate to go all the way back just to learn that he wasn't on the line anymore. I waited a few rings before he picked up. I told him that I had gotten caught up with something and wasn't able to go back to the room and asked if Anders was still online.

"Thanks for keeping him company, Matt," I said through the phone before hanging up.

"No luck?" Niall asked.

"No, Anders had to go. Not sure when I'll get the chance to talk to him next."

Niall finished tying his skates and sat back against the wall. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to go back to talk to him, I wouldn't have asked you to come then," he said, looking over at me. "If you want, I can call Greg to bring him to London again."

I laughed and bent down, putting my skates on. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm going to pass. I don't think Anders' commander would be too thrilled that he keeps leaving his post."

Soft pop music played through the small compartment as I tied my skates. Niall confessed that he wasn't very good at skating and that I should be grateful that I get to see him make a fool of himself, only for me to retort that I already see that daily at soccer practice.

"My mom used to figure skate," I told Niall as we stepped out onto the rink. "I never got to see her, though. Told me she did it during high school and college and stopped once her career took off and Anders was born. According to Dad, she was pretty good."

"Yeah?" We started gliding side-by-side. "You think you got your mum's talent?"

"God no," I laughed. "Give me a ball and I'll learn how to use it, but put me in skates and I'll look like a new born giraffe."

It was a nice night out. I had changed into grey jeans and a V-neck black shirt under a light green trench coat. I was a little surprised that there was even an ice rink in these conditions, but Niall informed me that during the night it gets below freezing, keeping the rink from becoming a slushy mess.

Street lights lined the rink, leaving a golden glow on the people who pass under them. The family that had been there when we first arrived spent most of their time in the middle, out of people's way as their child kept falling every time he tried to move. The couple had left the area and now sat on a bench and talked. Aside from them, we were the only people there.

It wasn't until the toe of my skate hit a rut in the ice did I finally lose my balance. Niall quickly reached out and grabbed my elbow and balanced himself so he could use his weight to keep me up without slipping himself.

I breathed out a shaky breath, like I saw my life flash before my eyes instead of just falling on my ass.

"Thank you," I said once I was steady on my feet again.

"I really thought I would have been the first to fall," he laughed.

"Watch it or I might accidentally kick my foot out in front of you."

"If it's any consolation, you didn't look like a baby giraffe," he smiled down at me just as his hand moved from my elbow and trailed down my arm, feeling the fabric of my sweater, until his palm was against mine, our fingers lacing together.

I always thought of hand holding as a casual thing to do. I can't count how many people I've held hands with over the years - my parents, siblings, friends, helping someone up, people I've dated, and maybe even some random guy at a party. It's casual, yet at the same time, an intimate, physical act that we do. You're inviting someone into your personal space, or asking to enter theirs. And I've known Niall long enough to recognize that he wouldn't hold someone's hand just because.

"Why do you do this?" I found myself asking. I ran my thumb up against the back of his hand, along the prominent vein. "Hold my hand every chance you get?"

Niall looked at me oddly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that this isn't like you. You don't let people into your personal space unless it's sex." He opened his mouth to interject, but I stopped him by speaking over his protest. "But that seems to be an exception with me. You first held my hand when we... when we first slept together. And then again backstage at the concert festival, and countless other times. It's like a reflex or something."

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even notice I do it most of the time."

Niall didn't say anything for a while after that, but I knew his head was reeling from the concentrated look on his face. He was shifting through his thoughts; being careful what he was willing to share with me and what he had to keep to himself. His personal filter was working overtime.

It wasn't until we were halfway around the rink did he speak. "From a young age, we are filled with the idea that a physical connection was associated with a close bond with someone else. But if you're holding hands with someone you care about, it's a comfort; a crux," he said slowly. "It makes me feel connected."

Hand holding. On the outside looking in, it was innocent. No more than a constant touch to remind the other person that they were there for you. But being the hand holders was a different story. It was simply complex.

× × ×

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have any fun tonight. After we went ice skating, Niall took me to this little pub a few blocks away from the hotel. As he ordered a beer, I had a Dr. Pepper, and we talked. We talked about the most random things, but what really surprised me was that Niall was opening up, chatting about childhood memories and even times when he and Alina were together. Not once did the conversation from the locker room come up.

But unfortunately the night had to come to an end.

Midnight was closing in and the team had to wake up early and get on a bus back to London tomorrow. We were walking on the sidewalk, taking our time, our shoulders brushing together every once and awhile.

"Do you regret coming out with me tonight?" Niall asked.

I signed. "Niall, it wasn't that I didn't want to, I just know it would be a bad idea."

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I've been thinking about what you said, and I agree with you," he whispered. "I just wished it didn't have to be like this..."

"You agree with me?"

"Yeah, is that so hard to believe?"

"In the locker room you were just so adamant. What made you change your mind?"

Niall shrugged. "I guess I just thought more about how you said it wasn't worth it. I don't want to be the reason you can't fulfill your dream. It's stupid of us to continue."

I looked at the sidewalk at my feet. "So..." I trailed off, oddly feeling like I just lost something important to me. Why do I feel so nauseous all of a sudden? "This is it then?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

We rounded the corner and I could see our hotel at the end of the block. I sucked in the cold air and felt it enter like a tonic. We stayed silent as we strolled.

Have you ever been on a diet and regretted it immediately? You know it's good for you to stay away from the fattening foods and sweets, but once you start thinking about chocolate cake or French silk pie, it's like you don't care anymore. You just need it. The only difference here is when you're on a diet, you can close your eyes or start thinking about something else, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel. It left an aching feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It was just a fling, a random act at spontaneous times, it was fun; a way to release the stress put on us from the team. So why did I feel so... lost?

It's more than that and you know it, Jamie had said to me earlier that evening.

When we got to the hotel, we stopped and stood in front of each other. It was like any other date, the boy dropping the girl off at her place and exchange nice words that they had a fun time in hopes they would see each other again soon. This was different, though. This wasn't a beginning, but an ending of what we once had.

"It was fun while it lasted..." I trailed off, knowing there was about a million things to say. "But this is for the best."

Niall nodded but didn't say anything.

I opened the door and stepped into the foyer of the hotel.

Taking one last glance at Niall, I couldn't help but think how horrible our timing was. If we had met a year from now, or two or three, maybe things would have been different. We wouldn't have had this huge wedge in between us. But I knew meeting any other time wouldn't have been realistic. The only reason I even met Niall was because of an opportunity I couldn't pass up.

Before I could push the elevator button, Niall was there, grabbing my hand to keep me from going any further.

"I lied," he said. His blue eyes were bright and sad as he looked down at me. "I didn't mean it when I said I agreed with you. I just thought I could believe it if I said it out loud, but I can't, Lynn. Too much has happened between us just to stop."

That familiar burn was rising quickly through my body. It felt too good despite the situation we were in. I could feel my heart beating a million miles a minute and I was afraid that it might just burst out of my rib cage.

There was a single light hanging from the ceiling glowing down on us and leaving a golden hue in its wake. The door of the elevator was cold against my back, a good contrast against the heat through my body. There was a distant smoke smell and I wondered if we were near a fireplace, just out of sight.

"You're the only place where the impulsiveness feels safe," Niall continued as he stepped forward, leaving only a little space between us now. To my surprise, I didn't move away. "I thought I could calculate it, or theorize the effect, maybe... maybe just to make some sense out of it." He took another step in my direction, leaning his head down to get even closer than he already was. "But it's you, Lynn. And it works because it's you and it's like I know everything and nothing at the same time. I can't control it but I don't... I don't need to."

I tried grasping desperately at anything that might change directions of the conversation, but the only thing I could get out of my mouth was, "Niall..."

I felt the ticks starting up. I shifted from foot to foot, trying to find a place to put my hands. Through my hair, on my hips - none of it was working. This was all getting too much. It was suffocating and I could feel the heat rise through my body. I needed to run. I had to get out of there.

But there wasn't anywhere to go. Niall was blocking any means of escape, and he knew that. He did that on purpose.

"If this is a mistake, then let's make it the biggest, most fun fucking mistake we ever made."

I closed my eyes and shook my head, like it was a bad dream. But when I opened them again, all I saw was him staring back at me with an emotion between anger and confusion.

"Unbelievable," he said, strain in his voice. When he pulled away, I could feel the water creeping up on me, extinguishing the flame. "You always do this; you always fucking do this, Lynn."

I leaned against the elevator door. Niall took a glance at me quickly before he looked away, but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes. He had to have known that I was going to end things sooner or later. But seeing the sting in his eyes told me that I was wrong when I told Jamie that Niall lied to me about what he told me in the locker room.

My dad once told me that if you have any doubt in the truth, just to look in their eyes.

"You told me once that you were in track and I don't doubt it," Niall continued, avoiding my gaze now. "Because running away is all you do, and you're pretty damn good at it. When things get too real, you just leave. If you turn people away enough times, eventually they stop trying to find you. So do it now. Just leave, Lynn. The elevator is right there."

"You think I enjoy running?" I asked, getting angry. "My head is in a constant battle of letting you go or pulling you closer, Niall. As much as I try to forget about the past scars, it's rooted into my brain. It's a mechanism. You sleep around, and I run. There is no difference."

"The difference is that I don't do that anymore," Niall said.

"Why did you attack Abby?" I blurted.

Niall looked at me. "What?"

I felt my confidence growing and I pushed myself off the medal doors and took a step in his direction. "At the New Year's party," I explained, remembering that night perfectly, and from the tense look on Niall's face told me he did, too. "You attacked Abby for a reason, Niall. And then me. Why did you try manipulating me like that?"

There was no emotion on Niall's face as he looked at me, jaw clenched.

"You also told me one time that you don't want a relationship because you don't like feeling vulnerable," I persisted once I saw that he wasn't going to comment. "You also said that sleeping around doesn't let you focus on one person and to get attached. Niall, I can't do this if your dominant role is going to keep happening with strangers. I'm not sure I have that much trust. Maybe I did, but not anymore."

Niall took a step toward me, breaking the space between us once again. "Do you remember that night when I told you all that?" he asked. He didn't give me a chance to answer before he continued. "You asked me that night why I was opening up to you about Alina when I said that I didn't like to feel vulnerable. Do you remember that, Lynn? Do you remember what I responded?"

"I don't know," I told him. "You said that you didn't know."

"I also said how I was a man of science and needed things to make sense. I said that you didn't fit that description and you still don't today. I told you how you were impossible and that I didn't give a shit about my beliefs anymore. I broke all my rules for you, Lynn. Sleeping around wasn't on my mind anymore once you entered my life. I have absolutely no desire for that and hadn't for the past two months. The only reason I was with Abby that night was because of you."

I looked at him curiously.

"You were taking over my mind and I needed a way to get you out. Sex was the only reasonable answer and Abby was right there," he admitted as he leaned his head down until his forehead fell on mine. I felt his hands slip onto my hips and around my waist. "Lynn... I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I know that I can't have you leave me. If I'm sure of anything, it's that."

"You're doing it again," I warned. "Manipulating. Blaming me for your fuck up. Guilting me to stay with you."

He swore under his breath. "I'm sorry."

Our breath was mingling together at our close proximity; our body heat invaded each other. I should have moved away, I needed to move away. But I stayed where I was and enjoyed the feel of his arms around me and his minty breath against my skin. Damn it, I was going to enjoy something I didn't knew I wanted so badly until that very moment.

Niall lifted a hand and cupped my cheek. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Goosebumps instantly spread along my skin. As much as I wanted him to keep talking, I couldn't handle it anymore.

I grabbed his denim jacket and pulled him down so our lips met.

Not even a moment later, my back was pressed against the elevator door once again, Niall's hand landing flat against the smooth medal next to my head. My fingers left his jacket and carded through his hair as one of his arms moved from my waist and his large hand trailed further up and under my shirt.

Niall let out a low moan as I tugged on his bottom lip with my teeth and the sound of his pleasure made me want more.

Right then, the elevator dinged and opened, making the two of us jump apart and away from the door. Dylan stepped out of the elevator wearing nothing but sweat pants. He didn't even bother putting on any socks to come down to the lobby. When he saw us, he stopped in his tracks and looked us up and down suspiciously.

"Windy outside?" he asked.

Niall and I observed each other quickly before looking back at Dylan. "What?"

"Is it windy outside?" he asked again. "Your hair is a mess and your jumper is hanging off your shoulder."

I gaped at him. "Uh, yeah," I stuttered out. "Yes. Very windy."

He nodded leisurely and I could tell that he had been sleeping. He jabbed his thumb in the direction of the front counter around the corner.

"Came down to see if they had any ear plugs," he explained, clearly not taking note on how uncomfortable Niall and I were from his sudden appearance. "Andrew snores like a pig."

And then he left around the corner, leaving the two of us alone once again, thanking God for Dylan's sleep deprived innocence.