× Mercury

"Would you have sex on the beach if the opportunity showed itself?" Reece asked the group.

William, Jace, Reece and I were all sitting in their hotel room watching, to my amazement, The Last Song by William's request. Apparently these boys were a sucker when it came to romance movies, but I should have known that the topic wouldn't be as innocent as the movie.

I was sitting on one of the beds, laptop open in front of me. I've only had two days of classes with the new semester and already had a paper due in sociology next Monday. It was my intention to get it done while I was in my hotel room, but as I sat at the desk; the deathly silence was quickly driving me mad. So I had picked up my things and headed to Jace's room. I should have known I wouldn't get anything done with the rowdy group in the room, and the blank Word document in front of me was proof of that.

"Uh, yeah," William said like any other answer wasn't acceptable. He was sitting on the floor with his back against one of the beds, knees up to his chest, red hair unruly on the top of his head. "Especially if it's with one of those California girls we saw when we were there last."

"Why is it that whenever I'm with you two, you always seem to bring up the topic of sex?" I couldn't help but ask.

"We're very lonely," Reece defended.

"And very single," William added.

Sitting on the other bed, Jace leaned over and said, "These lads are the worst when it comes to girls."

William laughed. "Mate, have you not met Horan? He's the worst."

Jace looked over at me knowingly. Niall was also staying in that hotel room, though he was with Matt at the bar downstairs according to Jace.

I had no idea if Niall had told him what I had said in the locker room before the game, but Jace hadn't brought it up so I was going to assume that he had no clue on the verdict at that moment. I'm sure if he did know, he would have already hounded me with questions I wasn't sure I was able to answer.

"Stop beating around the bush, Lynn," Reece said, looking over at me. "Would you have sex on the beach?"

"Absolutely not," I said simply. "I wouldn't enjoy having sand in places sand shouldn't be."

"Ohh, yeah. That's true." William said, nodding his head slowly. "I revoke my answer."

I ignored the conversation as it shifted to other public places to have sex. I focused back on the movie and avoided the homework in front of me. The film took place in North Carolina, but every time the main characters spent time on the beach, it reminded me of home.

Even though I was just there, I missed it. I missed the California beaches and my old Jeep. I miss the adobe bricks and Spanish architecture. I miss the passion fruit iced tea and over-sized restaurants. It seemed like the more I fall in love with London, the more I love California. I'm beginning to feel like I can't have one without the other.

I didn't realize what being from California meant until I left. My LA pride grows bigger and bigger with each passing day. When I left to go to school in London, I was convinced that living in another country would end up being a problem in my life. I would move straight back home after I graduated, like so many people do. Except the career I was trying to get into involved moving, not to mention traveling a lot. If I were to go professionally, I wasn't so sure I would ever have an actual "home" anymore. I should make the best of what I got until it's gone.

Suddenly, the door opened and my head instantly shot up to see who it was.

Matt strolled through the threshold and closed the door a little too loudly. "Hey!" he slurred and walked further into the room, nearly tripping over Reece's outstretched legs. "What's going on in here?"

"I thought you were with Niall?" Jace questioned.

"I was, but he called it a night a half hour ago," Matt explained, taking a seat at the edge of the bed I was sitting on. "Thought I would have met him here but I don't see him."

"Was it just you two down there?" William asked.

Matt nodded. "Yeah, he wanted to get a drink and talk to me about girl problems. Who knew he had any problems let alone girl problems."

This instantly peeked William and Reece's interest as they had moved away from the TV and payed close attention to the brown haired, brown eyed boy on the bed. "What kind of problems?"

I held my breath as I waited for his answer. I could feel Jace's eyes burning a hole in my head, but I didn't dare move a muscle. Would Niall tell Matt about the two of us? I trusted Matt with the secret, but I wasn't so sure I trusted a tipsy Matt. It was also a little upsetting that Niall would tell him without even consulting me.

"Nah, I'm not going to say," Matt said. "I promised Niall I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Can you tell us the girl, then?"

Matt shook his head. "He never told me that. Just explained the situation."

I let out a puff of air knowing Niall hadn't gone out of his way to do something without talking to me first. But my head was still reeling. Matt was a smart guy, he could easily put the pieces together if Niall told him everything. Maybe Niall only scraped the surface of the situation and didn't dig that deep into it, or maybe it had nothing to do with me and I was just overreacting.

My laptop made a noise and I looked down to see that I was getting a video chat. I pressed the answer button and smiled at the familiar face.

"Hey, Anders."

"Are you busy?" he asked. "I have some free time and thought I should call you."

I couldn't tell where he was at, some place dark and secluded it seemed. He was wearing a white tank top under a moss colored bomber jacket. He looked exhausted with deep bags under his eyes and disheveled brown hair that had gotten a lot longer the last time I had seen him. The sight of him, even through a computer screen, made me miss home more than before.

"No, I'm free," I said as William and Reece went back to the movie after they got all the information they could from Matt. "I'm just sitting in a hotel room, relaxing after the game."

Anders' eyes went wide. "Did you win?"

"Of course."

"Helped with the winning shot, too!" Matt suddenly said, sliding next to me on the bed so he was in view of the camera and my brother.

Anders laughed. "Wish I could have been there. Might have to watch the play backs."

I was about to say something when my phone started to ring from the night stand between the two beds. I quickly grabbed it and saw that it was Jamie. I looked at my brother, and then back at my phone.

Normally I wouldn't miss the opportunity to talk to Anders since I never get to see him anymore, but I had called Jamie a few hours ago so we could talk about what happened in the locker room. I needed someone to vent to and she was the only one outside of Jace that knew what was going on. Besides, she had the best advice.

"Go ahead and take it," Anders said, interrupting my inner struggle. "I can wait until you get back."

"I'll keep him company!" Matt offered and took the laptop from me before I could even say anything.

"I'll be back as soon as I can."

I swung my legs off the bed and stood up before quickly pressing the answer button and stepping out into the hallway.

"I heard about your win!" was the first thing Jamie said. "I bet you're ecstatic!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache starting to form. "Yeah, it was pretty exciting. A close call, too."

"You don't sound very excited..."

I looked around the hall quickly to make sure no one was around. In the end I just decided to walk to my room at the end of the hall to make sure no one was at their door eavesdropping. I was pretty sure my teammates would have the decency to respect people's privacy, but all they needed was to hear one little word from my mouth for them to stop what they were doing and listen. This was just safer. I couldn't risk anything, not now.

So once I was securely in my hotel room, with the door locked, I told Jamie what happened earlier that day in the locker room.

"I'm serious, Jam. I'm done with this crap."

There was a long, heavy sigh on the other end of the phone. It was a sound that told me she was beyond annoyed with having the same conversation over-and-over again. This wasn't the first time I had complained to Jamie about my troubles with Niall.

"Look, I get where you're coming from, I really do," Jamie started. "I just think that you have it really good right now and I can't wrap my head around why you would want to stop all this. Niall is good to you."

"Soccer is good to me," I argued. I grabbed my duffel bag and dropped it onto the bed. I started digging out my toothbrush and paste. "But it won't be once someone catches the two of us together. Niall's my downfall."

"So don't get caught," she deadpanned like it was really that simple.

"Easy for you to say."

Jamie went quiet on the other end and I thought that maybe she had hung up on me, but from the distant sounds of traffic told me she was still there.

"You know what, Lynn, you're right," Jamie said through the line, a little passive aggressively. "It is easy to say that because I'm not going through what you are, but that doesn't mean I don't have troubles of my own."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like-"

"No, I know you didn't," she assured me. "But there are people dying and people starving and you're complaining to me about something that, what, makes you happy? How backwards is that? It sucks for me because I never get to see Jace, the boy that I like, because we're a million miles apart when you get to see the guy you like whenever the hell you want. You're just trying to justify being with him, and in order to do that, you push him away. You're using soccer as your scapegoat."

She took a moment to pause, and I knew she was right. I was pathetic. From the two years I've known Jamie, she's never had a boyfriend. She's been on a couple of dates, but it never went further than just that: a date. Jace is a guy she actually likes and she can't even spend her free time with him, where I was over here chewing her ear off with stupid complaints about a guy I see more than once a day.

But I still had every right to do what I did. I couldn't continue what I was doing with Niall anymore, not if I wanted a career in soccer.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?" I asked.

"No."

"It's a saying that means anything that can go wrong, will go wrong," I explained. "Something bad is bound to happen, Jam. I needed to end it before that occurred."

"You're always so scared of commitment, Lynn," Jamie said suddenly. "And I can understand why, but you have to learn to decipher between people like Bradley and people who aren't. Niall makes you happy, and from what Jace had told me, you're making Niall into a better person. You know, he hasn't slept with anyone aside from you in the past two months."

Dropping my toiletries back into the bag, I clutched the phone in my hand and took a seat on the bed. Going from sleeping around almost every weekend with different girls each time to sticking with one person on occasion? That was a big step.

Being with you has made me a better person, he told me earlier that day. I've changed for the better. I'm tired of the life I've been living and you made me see that.

Watching the TV in the woman's locker room before the game today - seeing firsthand how people would go the extra mile to see the two of us together - was like someone took a needle and popped a bubble of my mind because all these insecurities and doubts were flooding through all my pores.

Desolation took place where my heart should have been. I was an idiot. Niall was a Casanova to the max. It was in his nature to go off and have sex with random strangers. He had been doing it for years now so why would he suddenly stop... for me? Dating wasn't who he was; he had personally told me that to my face.

It's a way to avoid commitment and developing feelings for someone, he said the night I found out he stole my essay. No emotions. No attachments. No pain.

Not to mention his little manipulation episode on New Years. Who's to say he won't try that on me again?

"It's lies," I said simply. "Everything he's told me and Jace are lies. It's the same bullshit I heard with Bradley. 'You've changed me'. He didn't mean anything he said and I see that now. I'm a goddamn idiot for falling for those kinds of words again."

"Why would he lie to you? What's the point?"

"To hurt me," I deadpanned. "That's what he does. He hurts me."

"Lynn..." Jamie said softly, but loud enough to break through my angry aggression. "Lynn, this isn't Bradley we are talking about, okay? I know what's going through your head and you're trying to make up excuses for this, but you can't. Don't sabotage your new relationship with your old relationship's poison."

I didn't realize I was breathing heavily until the silence hit us. Jamie was right... I was making excuses. Bradley's tainted relationship was corrupting my mind and twisting all the bad into this new thing Niall and I had. Maybe Niall really wasn't lying, but my mind couldn't help but retrace conversations to twist his words around and turn them into something that wasn't.

But since it did... I couldn't help but still think about it all. I mean, he did tell me he didn't like attachments. Apparently, I wasn't any better.

"You're scared that once you commit, you're opening yourself up to the possibility of disappointment," Jamie continued. "But, Lynn, you're not even giving it a chance to get that far."

"There's no commitment involved," I claimed. "We're just... fucking."

"It's more than that and you know it. You wear your heart on your sleeve, thinking no one can see it. But when they do, you run away."

Over these past few years, I have realized something about myself that I was not quick to admit: I was a runner. I run when I knew there were other options to the solutions. I wasn't avoiding the problem, or even ignoring it. I was just simply taking a different road and never looking back. But I think it was really because I was afraid. I run away from that feeling, wherever that may be. I run so I don't have to stay and work through all the messes in my life.

Nothing in the world seemed messier than the inner workings of my own brain at that moment.

And then there was a knock on my door.

Still on the phone with Jamie, I got up off the bed and went to the door. I had to curse at The Fates for being so cruel to me as I flung open the door, because none other than Niall Horan stood tall at the threshold, hands in his pockets and a look of determination on his face.

"Get dressed," he demanded. "We're going out."

I just stared at him.

"Did I hear Niall?" I heard Jamie say through the phone. "That was really assertive... and hot."

All I said was a quick, "I gotta go" before I hung up, not taking my eyes off Niall.

He was wearing blue jeans and a faded denim jacket with the cuffs rolled up his forearms and a white t-shirt peeking out through the unbuttoned opening. Faded blue was definitely his color. But when I thought back, I didn't think there was a color that didn't look good on him. His hair was styled up in its usual quiff, but it was done hastily with strands sticking up here and there.

"What're you doing here?" I finally managed to ask. "I told you earlier that we couldn't-"

"I know what you said," he held just as aggressively as before. "But you promised me a date."

I glared at him, crossing my arms. "I didn't promise anything."

His eyes softened, to my surprise. "Please?" he asked, calmer and a lot more sincere.

I bit my lip and thought about what Jamie had said about not to sabotage this with old poison.

"I'll go change."