× Horan

"Why'd you make me come here?" Lynn asked as we walked down the brightly lit hallway of the hospital. "You remember what happened the last time I saw your mom, I don't really want to face her after what I said."

I smiled at the memory. That night was definitely one to treasure, not because Lynn had the balls to stand up to my mother when I couldn't, but because she told the whole restaurant that she gave me a blow job a few nights before.

"I know," I told her. "And I wouldn't have asked you to come if I didn't need you."

The relationship I had with my mum wouldn't even be considered a "relationship". We spoke, sometimes, and that was almost only when she would call because there was an assistant job at her law firm, explaining that "you have to start out small" and then proceeded to explain if I worked hard enough that I could one day be doing what she was doing: sitting at an overpriced wooden desk filling out paper work after paper work and occasionally go home to sleep. No thank you.

"You're right, I'm sorry," Lynn said, looking down at her feet. "I'm being selfish."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," I assured. "Yesterday when I was here with my brother, she was so drugged up on pain killers that she just ended up telling us law jokes the whole time."

It was around four in the afternoon and the place was pretty crowded. We passed waiting rooms filled with people and open doors with too many patients inside. It all made me sad. The only time anyone was happy to be in the hospital was when someone was going into labor. Other than that, I hoped to stay far, far away from this place once my mother is out of here and to her full health.

When Greg and Denise got back from visiting, they had told us that Mum had just gone to get some more tests done to determined where she was at on going home or not. I had convinced Lynn to stay at the hospital with me for as long as it took for the results to come back, after that I was glad to get the fuck out of there.

Eventually we got to room 301. The door was open a crack and from the sound of muffled laughter and talking, I knew my mum was awake and watching the telly.

"Is it too late to turn back?" I asked quietly.

I haven't seen my mom alone since she invited me to dinner in London, and even then, I wasn't exactly alone since Lynn was there. When I saw her yesterday with my brother, it was true that she was telling us stupid jokes, but the drugs she was on was only temporary and something told me that things would be different this time.

"Yes," Lynn said. "But I'm right here beside you."

Her words weren't all that comforting, but then I felt her hand slip in mine and I knew that I would be okay.

I opened the door slowly and stepped inside, dragging Lynn along behind me. My mum was sitting up in bed with a tray of untouched food on her lap, short, blonde hair a mess and her face clean of makeup. It was strange seeing her so dressed down in sweats and a loose fitting t-shirt, and it almost made everything seem alright, like she wasn't the workaholic I knew of her to be, but a loving mother after a long day cleaning the house.

"Hey, Mum," I said as I stepped in further.

She turned her head and looked at me. "Oh, good, you're here!" she said excitedly. "Could you go get me some real food from the cafeteria? These mashed potatoes should be illegal."

I should have known she wasn't excited to see me, but excited to see someone who wasn't a doctor to get her what she really wanted.

"Maybe later," I muttered as I drew Lynn up beside me. "You remember Lynn, right Mum? She went with me to Nobu Berkeley when you were in London last."

Mum looked Lynn up and down, sizing her up like she was the lioness and Lynn was the lone antelope. Even though my mum was the one in the hospital bed from a resent heart attack, the scared look on Lynn's face was easy to see that she was feeling rather intimidated by the cold look my mother was giving her.

"No, I can't say I do remember her," she finally said.

"Of course you do, she was-"

"Honestly, Niall, you've been with many girls," she interrupted. "Do you really believe I could remember all of them?"

She had to be lying; Lynn didn't have a face you could just forget. There was no way in hell she would be able to overlook the girl she had called hostile. Then again, Mum had the impression that her name was Linda for the whole of that dinner.

Lynn removed her hand from mine and stepped back.

"You know what, I think I'll leave you two alone," she said as she stepped out of the room before I even had a chance to protest.

"Go to the cafeteria and get me a tuna melt while you're out there!" Mum shouted after her.

"Mum!"

"What? I can't eat this rubbish," she said as she removed the tray from her lap and sat it down on the nightstand beside her. "Absolutely repulsive."

"What is wrong with you? Why are you being so rude?"

"Why are you still with that girl, Niall?" she deadpanned, completely ignoring my question. "She's no good for you; I thought you would have dumped her to the curb like the rest of them."

"So you do remember her?"

"Of course I remember her! How could I not after what she said to me during that dinner. My God, Niall. She actually had the nerve to tell me off like she knew you better than I do." I had to fight the urge to yell at her and say that Lynn did know me better than she did. But I kept my mouth shut. "What makes this girl so different than the others? Clearly there is something since she's still around."

"There is something," I defended. "I'm in love with her, Mum."

The sound that followed was high pitched and bitter, and I realized it was her laughing. "I highly doubt that," she said through a mocking sneer. "You wouldn't know what love is if it bit you in the arse."

"You don't understand what-"

"Understand?" she interrupted, sitting up straighter in the bed and adjusted her shirt before continuing. "I think I understand enough that she's not good for you."

"She's better for me than you are as a mother."

Those words hit her hard, which was the point. Mum knew she was a shitty mother, but I'd never vocally told her so in person.

"I just want what's best for you," she justified.

That was what it all came down to: what was best for me. I understood that and I took that into consideration as a mother, but it wasn't enough. What she thought was good for me wasn't what I wanted, so she would manipulate and cut me from her life until I did what she wanted me to do. But I would never give her the satisfaction.

Going into law had never once crossed my mind once I moved away to London. When I was little, yeah, I thought about it a lot, but that was because I didn't know any better. My mom was a lawyer and I just wanted to make her proud. I had since learned better. If soccer didn't work out for me, then I'd go into something that involved chemistry. And if that wasn't going to be good enough for Mum, then nothing would.

I took a seat in the chair in the corner and tapped my fingers against the armrest. "Where's Lucas?" I asked her, thinking back on the wanker she had brought to dinner in London.

"Who? Oh, right! The Dublin lad. It didn't work out."

What a shocker. That was maybe the fifth lad she had been with that I had known of since moving out. For all I knew, she was just as bad as me when it came to sleeping around.

We sat in silence as the telly played the sitcom. I thought about going to find Lynn, but I knew that it was probably better to stay where I was and have her come to me. What my mum said about sleeping with all those girls was wrong of her to bring up, but she was right nevertheless, and I really didn't want to get into an argument with Lynn about that at the moment.

The doctor eventually came in and explained that if Mum's levels stayed the same and she didn't have another heart attack or any symptoms of pre-attacks, then she was allowed to go home tomorrow morning. He also told us that the tests had come back and there wasn't any known reason why she had the attack in the first place.

"But I'd suggest you take it easy," he advised her. "I know you work a lot and that could have been a good factor."

Mum nodded in agreement, but I knew she wasn't going to take it easy. She was a workaholic to the core; she didn't know the definition of the phrase "take it easy".

Once Lynn came back, surprisingly with a tuna melt for Mum, we left, and I couldn't have been more relieved in my life to walk out of that room.

× × ×

Greg, Denise, and I sat around the dining room table after dinner while Lynn and Theo were outside kicking a football around in the back yard. The winter this year had been kind to Ireland and the snow never stuck to the ground longer than two days. The yard was patchy with small snow piles and brown grass sticking through, making it easy to play some footy.

"Mum was that bad, huh?" Greg asked, sympathy in his voice.

"I like Lynn," Denise offered. "I only met her today, but she did come all the way here for you."

She was right, though I never had any doubt that Lynn wasn't good for me. No matter how far I ran, Lynn would always be one step behind. That, for all her running she did, her first choice would always be chasing me.

"And Theo seems to like her," Greg added.

I looked out the window and watched the two of them kick around the ball. Lynn had gone out there first after eating. She went out to make a phone call and found the football and started aimlessly juggling it on her knees and feet as she talked on the phone. Theo only joined her once he saw what she was playing with. At first she was trying to keep the ball away from him, but eventually she figured out how fruitless that was and they ended up passing the ball back and forth.

"Do you plan on telling her how you feel?" Greg asked.

When I arrived here on Wednesday night, Greg asked about Lynn and how my favor of bringing her brother to her went. I ended up telling him everything that had been going on with us, including my recent discovery.

It had been so long since I had a full conversation with my brother so it surprised me how easy it was to talk to him. It made me forget why we even stopped talking in the first place...

We were like any siblings growing up; we fought and we hated each other, and as the years went, we grew apart. A lot of that had to do with me, unfortunately. My tendency to keep myself independent and maintain some emotional distance had only been worsened by Mum and that I never wanted to see her. Greg read that distance as being cold, pushing the family away when in reality it was just Mum. The two of us were defined by that intersection of resentment and necessary distance.

Sometimes siblings just aren't friends. Sometimes it's just not simple. That's just how it goes sometimes. Siblings are complicated.

"I really don't know," I tell him honestly. "I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"What's going on?" Denise asked, perking up from the conversation change.

"Niall loves Lynn," Greg told his wife. "But she doesn't know it."

Denise's blue eyes went big and a wide smile grew on her face. "Ohh, you have to tell her. Go, right now. She'd want to know."

"What? No, I'm not going to tell her now," I defended.

"Why not?" she pressed, and then stopped, like she understood what the problem was. "Oh, I get it. You're afraid. You're scared that her burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. Greg was like that when we met, but I eventually melted his heart from the cage of ice it was concealed in."

Greg rolled his eyes from her dramatic analogy. I've only been staying in their household for a few days and I already envied their partnership. They were playful with each other and showed overpowering love for their child. They lived in a nice home in a good community with a primary school only a few blocks away. Denise was an English school teacher and Greg was a stay-at-home dad, working little construction jobs every once and awhile for friends and neighbors.

They were living the life I pictured for myself in the future; a picture painted so beautifully that I wasn't sure I wanted to wait any longer to start my own masterpiece.

"He's afraid all right," Greg agreed. "But he's afraid the loves not requited."

They were both right, but I wasn't going to tell either of them. If I was being completely honest, I was just going to keep it to myself, or at least until Lynn gets out of London for good and there won't be any fault in saying anything.

"Why would you think that?" Denise asked me.

I looked out the window at Lynn, watching as she now sat on her butt in the wet grass, Theo throwing the football to her. He didn't have enough momentum in his little arms, so the ball only went halfway before rolling to Lynn. The smile on her face as she played with him was shocking. For someone who didn't like kids, she seemed like she wasn't minding this attention.

"She's hard to read," I admitted.

"If you want, I can talk to her."

I shook my head. "Thanks, but this is something I should do on my own."

"You're always welcome to use the hot tub in the back," Greg offered. "Denise, Theo, and I can go to a movie or something and leave the place to you two."

"Uh, that's okay," I declined. "I don't think a dip in the hot tub is going to change things between us magically."

"Maybe not, but it's a cold night and hot tubes are always fun in the winter," Denise said with a wink.

Right then, the sliding glass door opened and Theo came running in and went straight to his mum. His cheeks were red from the cold and his hair was damp from rolling around in the snow. Lynn came in a second later, just as cold and wet.

After taking her shoes and coat off, she took a seat next to me. "What are we talking about?"

× × ×

I wasn't a huge fan of hot tubs after this one incident my first year of UNI, but the moment I saw Lynn in a bikini, I thought differently.

It was an old suit of Denise's that didn't fit her anymore, but seemed to fit Lynn perfectly. The two-piece was black and strappy, and small. It was the skimpiest thing I've ever seen her wear. As she stepped out onto the patio, her arms covering her front the best she could, I knew that Lynn was aware of that fact as well.

My mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out. I was literally speechless.

So I sat helplessly in the hot tub as Lynn made her way over and took the few steps up to the tub and dipped her feet in. Before she could sink completely in the bubbling hot water, I moved and placed my hands on her thighs.

"Hold on a second," I said softly.

Before she could protest, I placed my lips on her stomach, right above her navel. I couldn't help myself. With the moon shining on what was left of the snow on the ground, and the steam of the hot tub swirling around us, Lynn was pretty much irresistible.

Lynn's hands were braced on the side of the tub, visible goosebumps forming on her skin, but I didn't stop what I was doing. She smelled like peppermint and her skin was soft as I continued to place small kisses down her stomach and the top of her thighs.

"Ni," Lynn breathed, her hand coming to the top of my head and running her fingers through my hair. "Niall, I'm freezing."

I pulled away and noticed that she was shivering. "Sorry," I said and moved back to where I was sitting before. "Couldn't resist."

Lynn sunk down into the water, head resting against the edge and eyes closing shut. Her caramel hair was pushed to the side and lay against her shoulder, the tips soaking in the water. Seeing her in the swimsuit made me want to touch her, but just simply watching her enjoy the relaxation of the hot tube was enough. I hated falling in love because then all this mushy stuff just bubbles up to the surface and I couldn't help myself.

"Your mom's a real treat," Lynn said suddenly.

I laughed. "Yeah, I wish I could say that she was acting the way she was because of all the drugs, but you met her at dinner once so you know better."

"Despite how she is, you turned out alright," she smirked at me.

"Just alright?" I questioned, cocking a brow at her.

Lynn sat up and moved to the seat beside me. "I have to take into consideration on how you treated me in the beginning," she explained, a sly smile on her lips. "So yeah, just alright."

I rubbed my hand along my jaw before lifting my arm up and around her shoulders. I made sure not to touch her, though. I wanted to see where this conversation was going first. She had a point, I wasn't exactly on my best behavior around Lynn in the beginning, but I had to make it known that it wasn't because of my mother. It was simply my ego talking. Now... now that persona of mine didn't seem to exist around Lynn anymore. She unlocked the part of me I've only ever felt for one other person.

"And New Years," I reminded her sadly. "Have to take into account for that, too."

She sighed and slumped into the water. "We've both said hateful things in the heat of the moment. Hell, I just did that very same thing when I first got here."

"Sure, but that doesn't change my behavior. I'm... I'm sorry, again, for that. I used textbook manipulation on you because I did want to hurt you. The reason seems kind of juvenile, I know."

Lynn watched me closely and I hoped she couldn't read the true reason behind my eyes like she so often could. "I think you need to apologize to Abby, too. If you haven't already."

Abby has been very good to stay away from me, which was out of character for her and frankly worried me a bit. Next time I did see her I would definitely apologize. I owed her that much.

Before I had the chance, Lynn was the one to touch first. And to my surprise, it was my hand. She laced her fingers with mine and held them up above the water. I took note of her soft pink freshly painted nails and wondered if she did them back in London to pass the time.

"Tell me a story," Lynn said softly, leaning back against my arm. "Tell me about the times you spend with your brother."

"Uh, there really isn't much to tell," I admitted. "We were never close."

"I don't believe that."

"You're being very alluring right now."

Lynn removed her hand from mine and scooted away, just enough where she was no longer touching me. "Stop changing the subject," she warned. "If you tell me a story, maybe I'll give you a lap dance."

I laughed. "You know how to lap dance?"

"I guess you'll never know..."

Shifting in my seat, I ran a hand through my hair, trying to minimize the image in my head of Lynn on my lap doing exactly what she was promising. It was hard to do especially since she's in a tiny black bikini and only a few inches away.

"There was this one time," I started slowly. "I came home with a nasty bruise on my cheek and my brother freaked out. He thought there was a bully at school and was willing to set things straight for me. I couldn't tell him it was because of boxing; I had promised my dad I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Greg was going to stick up for you?" Lynn asked, like she herself couldn't believe my wanker of a brother would do something like that for me.

"Ever since I turned ten, he had been nothing but a nightmare," I confirmed. "That was the one and only time he was ever really nice and sincere about it."

Lynn didn't say anything; instead she just made her way over to me once again, the water moving around her as she did. She placed her hands on both of my shoulders and positioned her knees on either side of my thighs. My arms automatically wrapped around her waist as she sat on my lap, but before she could move, I stopped her.

"Hold on," I said, looking her in the eyes. "How about you tell me a story? I want to hear one about your brother."

"You'd rather hear me talk than get a lap dance?" Lynn asked suspiciously.

I grinned. "Is that so hard to believe?"

"Kind of. Unless you're looking for more than a lap dance..."

"Now you're the one changing the subject."

Lynn glared at me. "Alright fine. I was around six years old when my brother and I were outside kicking around a soccer ball. When Anders went to make a goal, he accidentally kicked the ball at my face and one of my teeth fell out. He started panicking; not realizing it was a tooth that was ready to come out anyways. I remember him telling me to put it under my pillow and not to tell mom about it because he was scared he would get in trouble."

"Did it not hurt?" I asked, amused by the story.

"Not really," she shrugged "I was more scared what my parents were going to do."

I laughed. "Did they find out?"

"That same day," she said with a giggle. "Mom noticed it when we were at the dinner table because I refused to eat; terrified I might lose another one."

"You sound like an adorable child," I teased her, squeezing her hips. "I was a spoiled brat."

Lynn's hand came up to cup my face, her thumb running over the slight stubble along my jaw. "Being spoiled wasn't your fault; it was how you were raised," she said softly. "But you learned to grow out of that on your own. You should be proud of that accomplishment."

I looked at her, my head reeling with every scenario that could happen once I told her. I've done a lot of scary things in my life, underground boxing tournaments and jumping off the roof onto a trampoline when I was twelve easily were at the top of that list. But I didn't think any of those things came close to telling someone how I really felt about them. It froze me in place and seized up my mind with every possible bad outcome.

"Lynn..."

"Hmm?"

Those words could change everything we had, and we were already on rocky waters no thanks to me. I wasn't sure I was ready to lose her if she rejected, and I wasn't so sure I was ready for the commitment if she didn't. What we had right then was working for us, why should I change it with three little words?

"Nothing," I said instead. "Never mind."