× Horan

It was the most devastating thing to see.

I came to the New Year's Eve party for one reason and one reason only. I had to tell Lynn how I felt - I needed to tell her, she needed to know. But most importantly, I needed to know if it was requited.

I was determined and single-minded, but in the end it didn't matter. In the end, it all blew up in my face. As the people around me started to count down the seconds, I found her in the living room, on the couch, with Harry fucking Styles. But that wasn't what stopped me in my track; that wasn't what turned my blood cold and heart to physically rip in half. It was when the last seconds ticked down to zero and Lynn grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him as everyone erupted around me. That was when it really hurt.

I was sober, not a drop of alcohol was in my system, but as I watched from a few feet away, everything slowed down and spun like I was utterly trashed. People bumped into me as they lifted their arms in celebration, but I paid no attention to them. It was like tunnel vision - the only thing I could see was Lynn kissing someone else.

All around me, the music had started back up but it did nothing to drown out the static in my head. I willed the world to melt around me, yet I could still feel the people pushing past me and hear the blaring pop song through the white noise in my ears that refused to reflect the screaming pain that rip through my body.

Quickly, I spun on my heels and left the room.

It wasn't hard to get drunk. Beer was like water in this house; it never ran out. After my seventh can, I couldn't really remember anything. It didn't even matter to me anymore. Jace had gotten the flu so he wasn't anywhere around to stop me. No one was around to stop me.

It was stupid to be so distraught. I mean, Lynn had every right to kiss whoever the fuck she wanted. She didn't know how I felt; nothing between us was actually real. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I was wondering the house, trying to find... something, I didn't know. A distraction maybe? The alcohol wasn't doing shit to make me feel better and frankly the people dancing and chatting in the hallways were just pissing me off. Everything was pissing me off. I should have just left the party before I did something stupid.

And then a blonde head caught my eye. She was wearing a sparkly teal dress that fluttered to her mid thighs; the long sleeves were pushed up to her elbows from the heat of the room. She was at the edge of the crowd as she swayed her hips to the rocking beat, and I couldn't help by look all down her body with pure lust.

She turned her head and our eyes locked. I walked over to her and grabbed her wrist in my hand before pulling her away from the mass of dancing drunks.

The second I had Abby in an empty bedroom and the door shut, I attacked. There was this burning fever over me and I needed liberation. Lust and covetousness took over my body and my blood was boiling for some contact.

Abby was taken by surprise, but she didn't protest. She never protests. I pushed her further into the room and against the back wall, my mouth attached to her neck like the fucking animal I was. Lynn made me into this; a monster of pure sexual aggression. She had ways to push the right buttons at the right time to make me lose my shit - had from the very beginning.

Later I admitted to myself that it wasn't really Lynn's fault, and that I had some kind of issue I obviously needed to sort out, but for the time being it was her fault. It was always Lynn's fucking fault.

"You're upset," Abby panted in my ear. I ignored her and continued my trail down her neck and to her exposed shoulder. "Talk to me, let me help you."

I chuckled into her skin. "Don't worry, babe, you are."

That didn't seem to satisfy her because the next thing I knew her delicate fingers found my jaw and lifted my face up to meet hers. "Not like this. I care about you, Niall, and I can see you're hurting."

Somewhere deep in my mind told me this was wrong, that there was better ways to deal with what I was feeling, but at the moment, I didn't care about the consequences. For once in my life, I was letting my fucked up emotions rule my actions.

I hiked one of Abby's legs up and around my waist and kissed her until she forgot she even said anything in the first place. The kiss was sloppy and nothing but satisfying the need I had to devour her. The friction of our bodies pressed together sent a new serge of hunger through my body and I moaned into her mouth.

Greedily, I ran my hand up her thigh, under the hem of her dress, until I found her panties. Her long, flaxen hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but a majority of it was out and flying around her face from my fingers running through it.

Just as my hand went around to her back and played with the zipper of her dress, the door to the bedroom flew open and an underclassman appeared in the doorway.

"Whoa, man!" he said before covering his eyes. "Didn't mean to interrupt."

But the underclassman wasn't who caught my attention; it was the figure that passed behind him in the hallway, stopping the moment they saw who was inside the bedroom.

The thing about Lynn was that she was the only person at this party who truly knew me. She knew my fears, she knew my secrets, and she knew how I operated. So that meant all she had to do was look into my eyes to see my intentions. Her hair was a mess and her cheeks were flushed; a look I saw on myself on more than one occasion that told me she had been drinking. A lot. But her eyes showed she had grown sober, the look of concern written all over them.

"Niall," she said cautiously as she pushed the boy aside and entered the room. "Niall, I know what you're doing and you need to stop."

"Get the fuck out, Lynn," I snapped.

But instead of leaving, she took a different approach. "Abby, you need to get away from him. He's using you; he's not himself right now."

Abby only laughed and wrapped her arms around my shoulders tighter. "You need to leave, Lynn," she said smoothly, a purr in her voice. "Stop trying to make everything about you."

"You don't get it, Abby," Lynn pressed, stepping closer. "He's drunk! He needs some kind of release and you're the victim. You don't mean anything to him, how can't you see that?"

The sight of her made me forget all about Abby in my arms, but then the image of her and Harry together tore through my mind and I had to remind myself why I was in that room in the first place.

I removed myself from Abby and turned to face Lynn, only inches from her face. She flinched back from my sudden drive, but I didn't back down.

"Get out, Lynn. This has nothin' to do with you."

Lynn didn't yield. There was a fire in her eyes as she stood tall and determined. "You're making a huge mistake. I know you know that, Niall. You're using Abby's willingness to get what you want, and I refuse to let it happen."

I didn't give Lynn a choice this time. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back out into the hall. She opened her mouth to speak, but I slammed the door shut and locked it before she had the chance to say anything else. I heard her pound on the door, but it blended into the thumping of the music.

Abby was still leaning against the back wall, her dress pushed up high on her thigh, and her hair had been pulled out of the ponytail and was now falling down her shoulders. Her eyes were wide with wonder or excitement, I couldn't tell which.

No words were exchanged as my arms went around her waist once again, and my mouth along her jaw. But this time, Abby objected.

She lifted her manicured hands and placed them on my chest, gently pushing me back.

I looked at her confused. "What's wrong, babe?"

"What are your intentions?" she asked, dead seriousness in her baby blue eyes.

"What do you mean?"

Abby started playing with the hem of my shirt. "What are your intentions for us? Like... what's going to happen after this? I don't want to be someone for your pleasure only."

I blinked at her. "Abby, I care about you."

"That's not what I asked," she objected. "Be honest with me, Niall. Was Lynn right? Are you just using me?"

When you look at Abby, you might pick her out to be the popular girl in school with the nice clothes and the attitude that keeps you on your toes who gets anything she wants. And you would be right. But along with what you might think of her would include her being a bitch and a slut, and maybe even desperate for any kind of attention. Only half of that is correct, however.

Despite what everyone might say, she's a lover. She's scared to get hurt just like anyone else would. She doesn't want to be put into something that won't go anywhere and she has a kind heart, you just had to get past her walls to see it.

And I saw it then. Her cobalt eyes were burning into mine, telling me that she won't be putting up with any shit I might throw in her direction. She just wanted simple love and someone to love her back.

That was why I didn't answer. She didn't deserve to be lied to.

Abby's interest quickly turned to resentment, and I knew my silence was enough of an answer for her.

"Asshole," she said between gritted teeth.

Then she pushed me away with a forceful shove and adjusted her dress and hair. I didn't even try to stop her as she walked the room and opened the door. Lynn was still on the other side, but Abby didn't stop to talk and just kept walking. Lynn on the other hand came storming into the room.

"What did you do to her?" she demanded.

"I thought ya didn't like Abby?"

"That doesn't mean I don't care what happens to her. She cares about you. A lot. And if you hurt her, just remember that I'm trained to kick balls."

I didn't have any doubt that she would with as much vengeance as she could muster, but I didn't take her threat to heart when suddenly the fresh pain hit my heart once again. No amount of alcohol could remove that image of the two of them from my mind.

I snapped into action and moved to Lynn. I needed her to see all my raw emotions, and I only hoped she would understand how much she hurt me. Before I could get very far, her hand came out to my shoulder to stop me in my tracks.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she asked, eyes wide.

"Why did you do it?" I demanded as I brushed her hand away from me. I stepped up to her, trapping her in. "What do you see in him that you don't see in me?"

Lynn was quick to duck away from me, creating enough space between us for her to escape. She had her hands up as if she was ready for a fight. "Who are you talking about?"

"You did this to me," I whispered brokenly. "This... this is your fault."

She took pause at that, brows furrowed. I could practically see the gears turning in her head, thinking back at what she could have done to upset me. Some small part of me knew I was being unreasonably unfair, but a larger more angry part of me didn't care.

"What's my fault? I don't know what you're talking about, Niall," she spoke gently, afraid to make me angry.

This time when I walked up to her, she didn't move away. My hands were soft when they came up to cup her cheeks. I placed my forehead against hers and looked into her eyes. All I could see and smell and feel was Lynn. She was all around me; in my mind, in my memories... Her fucking peppermint scent and the caramel color of her hair.

"You make me so crazy sometimes, Lynn," I mumbled, our breaths mingling together. "The way I acted with Abby, now... it's because of you."

The words barely got out of my mouth before she was shoving me away.

"Stop it, Niall," she snapped. "Stop gaslighting me, and don't even argue with me because I know that's what you're trying to do. Manipulation won't work on me again."

I smirked at her. "You just make it so goddamn easy."

Everything inside of her seemed to freeze. Time seemed to stop around us along with her. I instantly wanted to take back my words, but there was joy knowing I hit the mark to really hurt her. Fight fire with fire, as the saying goes. Isn't that what she did way back when I stole her essay? She had this coming - she should have seen this coming. No one to blame but herself, really.

The only thing to break the suffocating tension between us was the smack.

Searing pain suddenly slapped across my cheek. It felt different than a good punch to the face that usually came in a boxing ring. It hurt all the same, if not worse, coming from her.

"You piece of shit," she swore, voice dangerously low.

I hunched down with the pain, a hand to the cheek that Lynn hit. That was when I spotted the marks that Bradley had left on her skin peeking out from the collar of her shirt, though they were only a light purple as they started to fade away. They were only another reminder that Lynn had broken my heart.

"How dare you blame this on me when I didn't do anything wrong!"

I laughed bitterly at that. Lynn knows damn well what she did. I took a step toward her again, eyes on fire. Before I could even register anything else, Lynn grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room.

The music thumped to the beat of my heart as she continued to drag me down the hall and past the line that formed to use the restrooms. The irritation rushing through me was enough of a distraction that I didn't even think to ask what she was doing.

Lynn twisted the restroom doorknob and shoved it open. A man stood in front of the toilet about to unzip his pants when we entered.

"Hey, get out!" He yelled when he saw us. He could barely stand on his feet for how drunk he was.

Lynn shoved me into the room and grabbed the other guy, sending him out. "Go piss outside!" And then she slammed the door shut, locking it.

When Lynn spun on me, the look on her face could have challenge a jaguar, and the cat would probably lose. That only made me more mad. What right does she have to be angry!? She was the one to rip my heart out right in front of me!

"Let me go, Lynn," I demanded and tried to brush past her. I didn't even want to look at her anymore.

In one slick movement, she reached around me and grabbed my phone from my back pocket with one hand and pushed hard on my chest with the other. I stepped back from the shove, my heels hitting the side of the tub, making me fell in. The impact should have hurt, but the alcohol was numbing everything other than the outrage for me to really feel anything.

I tried crawling out of the tub but before I could even grip the edge, Lynn was leaning over and turning on the shower head.

In a burst of cold water, I was drenched almost instantly. My mouth hung open in both surprise and from the shock of chill coursing through my body. Through the spray of water, Lynn leaned down so she was eye level with me. Her blue eyes no longer held that challenge from before, but instead they were cold and annoyed.

"I'm so done with guys using and manipulating me and other girls," Lynn spoke, her voice crisp and unforgiving. "Get sober and straighten out your priorities, Niall. I don't know what happened but no one deserves this kind of behavior."

I leveled my gaze with her for a moment, blinking through the water. I didn't wasn't to admit it, but the water did the trick. My thoughts were clear and my world came crashing back to me. I really needed a heavy dose of reality.

"Be honest. Did you want to hurt me back there?" She asked softly. "Physically? Mentally?"

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the fiberglass of the tub. "No," I answered her sincerely. I "That's the last thing I wanted to do."

"I don't believe you."

My eyes flashed open. I opened my mouth to say something probably insensitive, but she cut me off before I had the chance.

"I don't believe you because I saw the look in your eyes, Niall. You wouldn't have said what you said if you didn't. Sort your shit out before something really bad happens. Do not forget that I've spent a long time with Bradley and I know the signs now." She paused, watching me. Lynn was just out of range of the shower water, only letting a few scattering of droplets to hit her shirt and pants. "I'm not even sure you know your own intent."

Then she stood up again. She placed my phone down on the counter next to the sink before she pulled out her own phone and started making a call.

She did this without breaking eye contact with me.

"Hey," she said into the phone. "You're the DD at this party, right? Your captain is in the upstairs bathroom drunk and wet. Can you drive him home? He's not feeling himself."

I probably should have gotten out of the tub. Or at the very least, turned the water off. But something small inside me was saying I deserved this. So instead I embraced it and leaned further into the tub and tilted my head back, embracing defeat.

When she hung up, she glared down at me but there was a softness that wasn't there before. "I care about you, too, Niall, but I can't help you if you won't talk to me like a human being. Find me when you're ready to do that, but in the meantime you can stay away from me. I'm tired of this shit."

With that, she turned her back on me and left the room.

She even had the audacity to keep the door open, leaving an obvious invitation to the line waiting outside to peek into the room. I could only imagine the rumors that would spread from this.

Not even a moment later, Reece came around the corner and stopped in the doorway. One look at me and he busted out laughing.

"When she said you were wet, I was expecting... well I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this," he said between burst of giggles, brown eyes shining with pure amusement. He stepped into the room and closed the door on the gawkers, giving me a little privacy. "What the hell happened?"

"Mercury happened."

Reece turned the shower off to my relief and grabbed a towel from the rack. He threw it at me. "That sounds like a story for the ride home. Get up and dry off at least a little and I'll take you to your hall."

I had half a heart to argue, to say I was fine and that I didn't want to leave. But the truth caught up to me real quick. I was tired. I was hurt. And I was humiliated. I was ready to leave.

Maybe I should take Jace's advice about Game Theory. It was a form of manipulation and that was the last thing Lynn needed in her life.

Besides, it wasn't like it was working for anyone anyways.