× Mercury

The house was newer than the others on the block.

I stepped out of the Jeep and onto the sidewalk, looking up at the sleek stucco sidings and flat roof. I didn't grow up with this house, not like I did with the others around me. This house was only an ugly reminder of what happened on that very spot only a few years ago.

The structure was shiny and grand. The windows were huge and anyone could see into the house from an uncomfortable distance. I could see surfaces of white, glossy plastic that iced over the kitchen, granite on the walls in their straight, uninspired dullness, and there wasn't a single square meter of organic material in sight.

"This is where I grew up," I told Niall softly.

I didn't have to say that I didn't mean the house specifically, because it was easy to see that it didn't belong on this block - it stuck out like a sore thumb.

"This is where the fire happened."

I tried to remember the house, the warmth and the liveliness of it. Inside had been a place of love and security, a place with memories and vibrant colors. Now all the photographs, art pieces from school projects, and personal possessions were charred and buried in the ground. I remembered the kitchen door frame and how it had little marks of my height as I grew up. I remembered the wooden floors and how mine and my brother's feet padded over the smooth surface on Christmas morning. And I remembered the balcony that led out from my bedroom and how I would scale the length when I snuck out at night.

You never would have known there was ever a fire, just a home that didn't belong. The houses on either side weren't damaged and were full of life like the smoke that once loomed over their roofs was never there.

"They were supposed to be out of town, they weren't even supposed to be inside the house when it happened. My dad had a business meeting in Washington and my mom was going to go along with him for company...." I trailed off, taking a breath before continuing. "I was staying at a friend's for the weekend and Anders was going on a camping trip. I remember the phone call, the sorry voice of the police officer telling me what happened. I remember running all five miles just to see the disaster unravel in front of me."

That night flashed in my head like a movie. The houses were lined up like beauty pageant contestants, everything pretty and in order, all but the blackened skeleton that twisted into the California sky.

It was an inferno; black smoke billowed into the heated air, sending its distinctive aroma over the neighborhood. Orange flames blew out the windows and sent horizontal jets of flame. I could feel the radiating heat on my face from across the street. I remembered running toward the wreckage, my bare feet cut from the run to the house, only to be stopped by a firefighter. I remembered using all my fight in me against the holds of the man blocking my path. I remembered crying and screaming louder than I ever had before... screaming for my mother. It was the first time I called her name and got no reply.

Later I was told the truth. Sitting in a hospital room after being checked out of any smoke damage, an officer had walked in and told me what had happened; that my parents were dead.

I had treated this tragedy like Pandora's box. All the painful memories, the fire and the smell of burning smoke, the sound of wood cracking and police sirens. All of it was locked away in a part of my mind that I never dared to open. I was tired of constantly keeping it closed. It took all my energy to make sure that never surfaced again and I was too exhausted to keep it up.

"They were never supposed to be in the house..."

I didn't realize I was crying until Niall was there, wiping away a tear that had trailed down my cheek. Then I broke.

With shaking arms, I wrapped them around Niall as my body shook with sobs. He pulled me in tight and rubbed my back soothingly. Salty drops fell from my chin, drenching his shirt. Perhaps these tears will help wash the fire out of my mind. I hadn't been to this place since the fire happened. Everything was flooding back to me, all my nightmares coming alive once again as I cried and cried and cried.

My walls, the walls that held me up and made me strong just... collapsed. I felt my legs give out from under me, but I didn't fall. Niall's arms around me tightened and I was pressed completely to his chest, leaving no air between us. He was holding me in silence, or cradling me more like, as I completely lost my control. I could distantly hear my own cries, like a distraught child, raw from the inside out. It took something out of me I didn't know I had left to give. When I cry, it's never a trickle and it never starts in my eyes. It begins as a feeling in my chest and a sadness in my brain. It's raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. It was the worse feeling in the world.

Once the trembling and body shaking sobs subsided, Niall's large hand ran up my back and tangle in my hair. I kept my head to his chest, the tears flowing down my cheeks slowly coming to a halt. I was too exhausted to cry out anymore, I just stood in his arms as still as a statue while the extent of my loss washed over me.

It had been so long since I cried over my parents. When it first happened, it didn't get to me until a few weeks later. I hit every stage of grief hard, especially depression. Now it was like I was back to that, again lost in that dark vortex of the moment. It was a time that carried me forwards until only death could let me go from its grasps. I was forever plagued by a past that could not be undone.

"Lynn Mercury?"

The voice that disturbed the peaceful silence around us sounded like it came from the slight breeze breaking through the strands of my hair. Slowly, I looked over Niall's shoulder and saw an old woman standing on the porch of the yellow house next door, peering over at us.

"Is that you?" she asked a little louder.

I pulled away from Niall as the woman stepped from the shadows of the awning and let the light of the sun touch her face. She looked as I had always remembered. She stood tall and slim, her short salt-and-pepper hair neat and likely styled with old fashioned rollers. The pair of black cat framed glasses sat on the bridge of her thin nose, dull green eyes peering through the bifocals at me.

I stood stalk still as the woman made her way over, down the pathway and sidewalk until she was standing in front of me, her yellow sundress blowing in the soft breeze.

"It really is you," she confirmed, a smile growing on her face.

"Mrs. Burnett," I breathed out, a little surprised to see her.

The woman's kind smile didn't waver as she held me out at arm's length. "My goodness you've grown; turned into a beautiful young lady," she grinned. "I recall when you were only three feet tall and sticking gum in boys' hair."

I only smiled at her.

"I always hoped you or your bother would come back, you know," she continued, letting me go. "Thought it would have been a lot sooner than this, however."

"It's hard to come back," I said, my voice a little hoarse from crying.

Mrs. Burnett nodded knowingly. "I understand. Why don't you two come inside? I just made some almond cookies; fresh out of the oven."

"I'd love to, but my grandma's expecting us home," I explained. "But thank you for the offer. I always loved your cookies."

I probably would have walked away and to the Jeep, but from the gloomy and distressed look on the old woman's face made me stay put. I remembered her from my childhood; outside planting flowers in her garden, feeding the stray cats in the neighborhood from her porch, and wave at my brother and I from her front window every day we got home from school. She had never once seemed anything but cheerful. She had always looked old, but there was something about that troubled expression that made her even more so.

"I didn't want to bring this up right away, I thought maybe I could get you inside and warm you up a bit first," she said with a heavy sigh.

"Bring what up?"

Her green eyes were sad when she looked up at me. "You're mother left something for you and your brother the night of the fire."

I blinked. "What?"

Autopilot took over and suddenly I was walking under the awning of the wooden porch and through a door that led inside a stuffy house; Mrs. Burnett's house. Niall took me into the living room and sat me on a comfortable chair with a crazy pattern before he took the loveseat next to me.

The first thing I noticed was the smell - the sweet smell of almond cookies and a gentle atmosphere. The place was warm, a small fire lit in the corner of the room. I found myself staring at the flames, going over the conversation that was just exchanged.

Mrs. Burnett came into the room with coffee and a tray of cookies, placing them on the table in front of us. She told us to help ourselves before she disappeared again, but I couldn't move - couldn't look away from the fire.

"Are you okay?"

From the sound of Niall's voice, I looked away. Niall was watching me, concern in his blue eyes. I just gazed at him, not really sure how to answer.

The house was covered with picture frames that I could only assume were of Mrs. Burnett's family and friends. On the walls, standing on end tables, in little collages, and a large photo album on the table in front of me. She was clearly someone who liked to capture the moment. It gave the place some warmth... something the house next door was lacking.

"I'm sorry it took so long," Mrs. Burnett said as she entered the living room again. "It was buried in some boxes."

She handed me a camera. I looked at it for a moment, confused.

"The batteries might be dead, but it does work," she explained. "The day after the fire, I found the camera in my yard. I only watched the beginning of the video to make sure-"

"Video?" I interrupted.

Mrs. Burnett nodded. "Yes. It's the only thing on there. Apparently your mother made a video for you and your brother and must have thrown it out the window in hopes it would make it. I think she knew that she wasn't going to get out of the house alive."

I tentatively grabbed the electronic from her frail hands. Looking at it, I expected my eyes to swell up again, but nothing came. The camera was mine, a birthday present from my parent's years ago. What this old lady in front of me was saying sounded pretty insane, and I wondered just how old Mrs. Burnett was.

"I always loved your parents; such nice, quiet people," Mrs. Burnett said. "And raised such lovely kids, too. You were always a treat to have in the neighborhood; always smiling and having a laugh. Now to see you all grown up..." she trailed off. Then her eyes averted to Niall sitting in the loveseat. "And to catch yourself such a good-looking man, too."

I remembered all the times I snuck out to go to the beach with my friends, all the times I would stub my toes on the front walkway when I was younger, the times I would kick around a soccer ball with my brother in the backyard, only to end up arguing about whose turn it was to get the ball when it flew into Mr. Campbell's yard.

"I know you probably won't come back here again, but if you do, know that you're always welcome to knock on my door."

× × ×

It was around seven in the evening when we finally got back to the house with Grandma's things. I quickly explained to her that we were caught up at the supermarket and that was why we were so late. I could have told her the truth, that we had gone to the house I had grown up in, but I knew the moment I started talking about it to Grandma, I'd burst into tears again.

The three of us ate the chili once we had all the ingredients, and then we all went off in our separate ways. Grandma was in the front yard, using the little bit of sunlight left to tend to her flowers. Niall was in the living room with a can of beer, watching sports on the TV.

I was in my bedroom, holding the camera Mrs. Burnett had given me. It was just a simple silver digital Canon camera with non-complex settings and standard zooming since all the SLR cameras were expensive as hell when this was purchased. It was cold to the touch and felt heavy in my hands. I had replaced the batteries but that was as far as I could make myself go. My mother was on that camera and I couldn't make myself listen to it.

I tried to go to sleep for the night. I had the idea that I'd be a little braver in the morning, but that didn't seem to matter because I couldn't find sleep. Hours passed and I was still lying on my back, staring at the ceiling. Grandma had knocked on my door an hour ago telling me she was going to bed. I was still restless.

Eventually, I did fall asleep, but it didn't last as I woke up in a panic. I kicked the covers off me and pulled my pant legs up over my thighs to feel the chill air against my skin so I could cool down. The nightmares came and went as they pleased. The last nightmare I had was a month ago around Thanksgiving.

I had to watch the video; it was the only way to put this lachrymose day to an end. But even as I sat up and grabbed the electronic from my nightstand, I still couldn't make myself listen to it.

I got out of bed and walked through my bedroom doorway. The house was dark and quiet. I tiptoed down the hall and stopped in front of the door across from the bathroom, knocking softly. It was well past midnight and from the lack of noise from the other side of the door; I figured he would be sleeping. But just as I was about to walk away, the door opened.

"Hey," Niall said, his voice husky from sleep. "What's wrong?"

Seeing him standing in front of me as he rubbed his eyes, I realized what I wanted was stupid and started to walk back to my room. "Nothing, never mind. Sorry for waking you."

Niall grabbed my hand, preventing me from going any further down the hall. "You already woke me, what's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Lynn."

I wasn't sure if it was the why he said my name or that I knew I wasn't going to be winning this fight, but nevertheless, I ended up telling him what I wanted.

I held up the camera for him to see. "I haven't watched it yet. I just... I don't want to be alone."

Niall looked at me for a second as he slowly realized what I was asking him. "Let me get a shirt," he said.

This time I grabbed his hand. "Don't bother," I said and led him to my room.

After that, we were silent.

All the lights were off; the only source of illuminance was from the quarter moon shining through the window, bathing the two of us in its glow. I settled myself on my bed, crossing my legs, and watched as Niall slowly scanned my room - the kitty calendar hanging on my light blue wall, the photo collage above my bed of friends and family, the giant mirror above the vanity that was covered with all kinds of makeup smudges, the string of lights wrapping around the room, the books on the shelves and knickknacks from vacations on my desk and nightstands.

This was the first time Niall was in my room and I expected him to make a joke or a sexual innuendo, but he kept silent as he walked over and climbed on the bed behind me.

The camera was in my hands, my finger touching the on bottom. I could feel Niall behind me, his bare chest just grazing the back of my arm. His breath was on my neck and a scatter of goosebumps rose on my skin from the feeling.

I turned the camera on and found the video. After taking a deep breath, I pushed play.

The first thing I heard was a loud roar of crackling fire. The video showed nothing but blackness and grain. Emotions rolled through me at once - sadness, heartbreak, grief, longing, and pain. Lots and lots of pain. Emotional pain wasn't felt the way a cut or bruise does. This was much different and only I could tell it was there. Sometimes the pain was at the back of my mind like a pulse. Other times it pushes itself forward, demanding attention until-

"Lynn."

I've been hit hard before; plenty of times, right in the gut. But something about hearing that voice made me breathless. It was my mother's voice; I hadn't heard it in over three years.

"Anders..."

Then there was a burst of light, so bright that the whole screen was filled with white. The cracking sounds intensified like a child giggling. Then there was a shriek, no doubt coming from my mother, and then I heard something large crash to the ground. After that, the only sound was an occasional crackle and the screen went to black.

"I love you so much," Mom said, her voice shaky. "Whatever happens; don't ever forget that. Okay? I love you two so, so much."

I wanted to yell at her, to tell her to get out of the house. But I knew my mother. If there was a way out, she would have found it by now.

Rachel Ann Mercury was someone I aspired to be when I get older. She was beautiful, softened at the edges with a spine of steel. Her strength was something to admire. She was always talking and had energetic hand motions, a true sight to see in a middle of a conversation. She was wise. She was whimsical. She was a fighter. She had a kind and warm heart. My mother was the rock that held everything down and kept us grounded. I never took the time to admire my mother - took the time I spent with her for granted. Never in a million years would I have thought I would lose her when I needed her most.

Then the image changed on the screen. The room she was in grew a little bit lighter with an orange hue, enough for me to see the glowing embers leap and twirl in a fiery dance, twinkling like stars in the hot swirling air. But that wasn't what hit me. She was in my old room. I could tell by the color of the walls behind her and because of what she was holding in her lap. It was a stuffed lion that was nearly falling apart; the button nose was missing, the stitching around the ear was barely holding on, and the mane was matted to its head.

It was the lion she had gotten me when I was a baby...

"Anders, take care of your sister," Mom continued, her voice broken and torn, nearly close to tears by now. "And Lynn, no matter how persistent your brother can be, you take care of him, too."

I must have made a sound because suddenly Niall's arm was around me as he grabbed my hand in his. The simple touch of his skin sent instant chills up my arm and calmed me down all at once. Emotional pain may leave invisible scars, but they could be traced by the most gentle of touches.

"Grow up and live your dreams," my mother sniffled. "You've got big hearts and determination to match. I want to see you succeed. And you will, I know you will."

Another burst of light and more sounds of the crackling flames. The smoke was thick around my mother, but I could see her clearly. Her long brown hair falling around her, blue, shiny eyes squinting through the muggy haze. Her thin fingers wrapped around the belly of the lion, a sad smile on her lips as the first tear fell down her cheek.

"Anders, Lynn... You'll always be my little lion's."

And then she was cut off by the cracking of wood splitting. If you listened closely, you could actually hear it happen. Not the actual thing, but you could hear it in Mom. The way she held her breath and the way she gasped as all the shadows around her blazed in a flickering light.

Then the camera flew, out and away from the flame and fell and fell and fell, only to crash on the lawn below, out of any harm of the fire. But it was still recording and I saw everything.

My mind only comprehended so much of what was going on, but I did see an explosion and heard the most terrifying sound. I was glad Niall reached out and turned the camera off.

I didn't know how to feel. What was a girl supposed to feel after listening to her mother burn to death? Maybe this was it - maybe I was supposed to feel numb, because if I didn't, I might have just died.