× Horan

"Abstract Convexity and Global Optimization," Jace read, flipping through a textbook. "Sounds like a lot of rubbish to me."

I didn't bother to educate him about the values of examining and solving optimization problems knowing it would just go over his head anyways, so I kept my mouth shut as he proceeded to flip through the pages.

I was currently lying on my stomach, my nose pressed into the sheets of my bed. The telly was on and playing through the room. My laptop was open in front of me, but neither the screen nor Jace's voice was more interesting than what was going through my head.

The lust I felt for the girls I slept with always went away once I was done, only to be returned a few days later. But nothing about it felt satisfying. There was something with Lynn that turned that lust into passion and it wasn't anything I had experienced before. Not even with Alina. I was terrified those feelings would disappear, but I was worrying about nothing because they never went away. If anything, they just intensified.

"Game theory," Jace said, breaking me away from my thoughts. "I've heard that somewhere..."

"It's the study of mathematical scenarios of conflict and collaboration between decision-makers," I said automatically. "It's mostly used for economics and political science. Coach and I use it for football plays."

I wasn't looking at him, but I knew he was staring at me like I was a walking encyclopedia. I wasn't someone who had an eidetic memory, far from it actually, but I applied it to every football game I had ever played, and knew the definition like the ABCs.

Jace sat in the chair in the corner, ankle propped on his knee with the book in his lap. I had asked him to come over and help me study, but that was before I discovered an important football game on the telly and naturally that was our first priority. It was currently cut to commercials and Jace was getting antsy, picking up the nearest thing to keep himself busy.

He told me all about Hazel. I knew exactly what I would do if I was in his place, but Jace always had his heart on his sleeve. He was an actual bleeding heart, finding the good in people even though they betrayed him years ago. No matter how long he ponders this, Jace is going to end up spending time with the girl. He's too good a person not to.

"This is interesting," he mused, his finger pointing at a passage. "'Today, game theory applies to a wide range of behavioral relations, and is now an umbrella term for the science of logical decision making in humans'," he quoted. "Too bad you can't use it with Lynn."

I lifted my head slowly and stared at him. "What did you say?"

"Game theory," he repeated, looking at me oddly. "Too bad you can't-"

"Jace, you're a fucking genius," I interrupted and quickly sat up, grabbing my laptop and placing it on my lap. "I can't believe I never thought of that before."

"Are you serious? You can't honestly think that using game theory with Lynn is going to do anything, right? It's all mathematical."

"No, it's not," I argued as I typed into the search bar. "It's also psychology. That's the whole point of it, Jace; to get inside people's heads to predict their next move and to see how it would benefit you."

Jace's mouth was open, like he wanted to say something but not sure if he should.

I pointed at the textbook. Jace understood and handed it to me. I lay open Abstract Convexity and Global Optimization beside me as I Googled anything I could on the theory. I already knew a lot about it, but I never thought to use it on Lynn. I needed to relate it to the situation I was in because what Lynn and I had wasn't anything like finances.

"Game theory is a type of applied mathematics that has been used widely in developmental biology and economics," I explained to Jace. "It attempts to understand the mystery of human behavior and the choices we make when the outcome of those choices depends on other people."

"And those choices are no more dependent on others than in sex," Jace said with a roll of his eyes.

"Yes! Exactly!"

"Niall, I was joking," he clarified as he ran a hand through his hair. "Lynn isn't some kind of economic discovery you can understand through a theory. She's a human being with feelings."

"Feelings I can't seem to decode," I argued.

Jace huffed and stood up. "There you go again. You say decode like she's a lost language. Why don't you actually talk to her for once like a civil person and stop being so bloody delusional."

"Delusional? I'm being rational."

"She's delusional, too," he argued, a callous look in his eyes. He started walking to the door as I was trying to wrap my head around how the conversation turned so cold. "You two obviously have some things to sort out and I'm sick of being in the middle of it. I understand what's going on. Why can't you?"

"I don't-"

"Does this have anything to do with what happened between you and Lynn last weekend?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

I told Jace that Lynn and I had sex. I had to tell him - had to tell someone - and he was the only one aside from Lynn herself that knew anything that was going on with us. When I told him, he spent a good twenty minutes scolding me about it, about how wrong it was and basically everything I already knew.

And that was when he told me about Hazel, making me feel like shit. There I was complaining about something as petty as whom I had sex with and he had recently learned that his ex-girlfriend had cancer.

The Biggest Wanker award goes to me.

Jace just waved me off like a pesky bug and stepped out into the hall. "Good luck with your game theory shit, really, I hope you the best of luck."

And then he was gone.

Screw him. I didn't need him around and I sure as hell didn't need that negative bullshit. I knew that I couldn't narrow this down to a science, too many people had already told me that, but the thing was this: it wasn't science. Not really, anyways.

It was a tactic, a strategy that could help both Lynn and I. And in all hopes along the way, no one would get hurt. And that was the whole point.

So I grabbed the textbook and sat in the chair Jace was occupying only moments ago and started flipping through the pages.

Tit-for-tat was the most effective strategy in game theory. The concept is used in a game to either advance two competing players or to revert their progress based off of adjusted actions. If one player acts aggressively towards another, the other player will return the same aggression, bringing about a draw.

That was how it started out, from the very beginning. Lynn wasn't anything but a stuck-up XX chromosome that was going to steal my limelight. And I showed that aversion to her immediately, which she easily responded with the same dislike toward me, in the end bringing a draw.

The draw would continue until one player reverses the course with interest. If both players show interest, they will advance forward.

The bonfire. That was when things started to reverse for us. When Abby pushed Lynn into the pool, it didn't even faze me that I would break away from two nearly naked girls to help her. It wasn't even a thought, I just did it and I didn't know why.

People like to rely on Cosmopolitan or books such as The Art of Seduction and Why Men Love Bitches. But it's only a one-sided argument. The goal for women is to get men to commit. The goal for men is to get sex. All of this advice has left both sides more confused, bitter, and brokenhearted.

That's why I'm relying on game theory.

Being with Lynn was never easy, not like it was when I was with Alina. With her, everything was planned out and expected. We hardly ever fought and never got on each other's nerves. It was a thin line between predictable and boring, unlike with Lynn, where literally anything could happen. Our relationship, or whatever it was, was based off of spontaneous actions, and since I would never know what Lynn's next move would be, I would make sure to counteract it so we wouldn't tumble back into the hostile state ever again.

Even as I thought all this out, I knew it was fruitless.

We were dysfunctional. We were impulsive to the point of ruining our future careers. We were wired differently and it was going to backlash until we break a fuse.

I flopped on the bed and groaned. I was done. I was done with Lynn and this constant state of confusion. Weather I could understand everything with game theory or not, I wasn't even going to try. As long as I didn't knock Lynn up, then I could try and pretend nothing happened.

Right then my body tensed with sudden realization.

"Shit."

My mind went back to last weekend again, but this time for an entirely different reason. I raked my mind to find something, anything that would tell me if I used protection with Lynn. But as the seconds passed, I came up blank and started imagining the worst.

"Fuck!"

I quickly jumped off the bed and grabbed my car keys and left the room. I nearly took out someone as I ran through the building and down the stairs, but I had a mission in mind and apologizing wasn't part of it.

I ran out of the Newman building and into the crisp, winter air. Light snow was falling down and collecting on top of cars and roofs. As I ran to the parking lot, my foot landed on an icy patch and I nearly wiped out on my arse, but I managed to catch myself in time.

Once I was in my car, I started speeding away, not caring if I got pulled over by campus police (or even run someone over, at that rate). Nothing really mattered until I talked to Lynn.

If Lynn wasn't aware that I didn't use a condom, then that meant she didn't know the possibility of a baby growing inside her. It was way past due for the morning after pill at that point. My father always told me to go big or go home, but this was no time to get anyone pregnant, especially with the one person I wasn't supposed to get involved with.

I quickly found her contact in my phone and called her, but it went straight to voice mail and a string of profanities left my mouth as I took a sharp right turn.

Dropping the phone down on the passenger seat, I sped through the streets until I was at the Aspen House. As I ran through the front doors, this sudden wave of familiarity hit me and made me feel kind of nauseous. I had stepped foot in the Aspen house more times than I have the building I actually lived in. I really hoped this wasn't going to be a habit.

I ran between two people having a heated discussion about spoons and passed the elevators and up the stairs. I never stopped, never took the time to catch my breath as I ran down the hall and started knocking on the door continuously. When Chloe finally opened it, an annoyed expression was on her face.

Her mouth opened to say something, but I didn't give her the chance before I was pushing passed her into the room.

"Where's Lynn?" I asked once it was obvious she wasn't in the room.

Chloe placed her hands on her hips, clearly exasperated. "First of all, who the bloody hell do you think you are barging in here like you own it?"

Normally I would have shot back some kind of sarcastic response, but I was not in the mood at the moment. "Just answer the question."

I looked around the room to see if there was some indication to know where she would have gone. Everything about the place was the same since I stayed the night last Saturday, with only a few things here and there that were different. The Order of the Phoenix book was on Lynn's nightstand along with a ticket stub from the newest Star Wars movie. Clothes that had been on the floor were now in the hamper that was pushed up into the corner. New sheets lined the bed. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary - nothing to help me figure out where the hell she might be.

"I hadn't seen her today," Chloe admitted with a sigh. "She said something about the library. Try there."

I was already out the door before she could even finish the sentence.

× × ×

She wasn't there. Or at the gym. Her boss at The Courtyard Bar told me that she didn't work today and that he hadn't seen her since last night. I checked the stadium to see if she was kicking around a football, but she wasn't anywhere to be found. I even drove around the campus to see if she was out jogging. I called her phone a dozen times, and every time it went to voicemail.

It was almost eight in the evening by the time I was back in my room. I was lying on the floor in the dark, the only source of light coming from the moon through the blinds and my nightlight.

That was another thing: my fear of the dark. When I stayed the night at Lynn's, I wasn't afraid. I realized then that I hadn't felt that safe in a long time. There wasn't a need for the nightlight, no need to be afraid of the dark, not with Lynn next to me, anyways.

She made me feel safe and that was the scariest thing of all.

I turned my head and my eyes locked on something under my bed. My guitar case. The last time I opened that was when I found Lynn going through my things. My desire to play the instrument was long gone, leaving an empty void where that aspiration was. When Alina left me, she took that ambition with her, making me feel utterly sick every time I saw the guitar in the corner of my room. I wouldn't look at it without feeling completely hopeless, so I put it where it belonged and made sure it never saw the light of day again.

But as I lay on the floor staring at the black case, my fingers started to itch. I could already hear the musical notes in my head as I mentally thought of my fingers on the cords, plucking them one by one.

Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed the handle, pulling the case out from the dark. It had been a long, long time since the last time I played that I was sure I would have forgotten how. But I should have known better. Just like learning how to ride a bike, I didn't forget.

I removed the notebooks and loose papers and long forgotten attempts of song writing and took out the manila envelope that contained all the memories I had of Alina, and pulled out my guitar. Its heavy wood was satisfying in my hand and its tones were rich and full. But it didn't hold the same value in my heart as it did when Alina gave it to me for an early sixteenth birthday present.

As I plucked one of the strings, I cringed at the sound. I wasn't sure how since I haven't played the instrument in years, but it was horribly out of tune. Absentmindedly, I started pulling the cords and adjusted the knobs on the end.

I remembered when I learned my first chord, the moment I successfully aced the scales and when I was able to play a song I loved just by relying on my very own ability to hear. I was so attached to this instrument, and now it meant nothing to me. Absolute rubbish.

When I only had one more cord left, there was a knock on my door, bringing me out of my dazed thoughts of my past. I looked at the guitar, and then back at the door one last time before I carefully put the instrument back in its case, along with the notebooks and manila envelope, and shoved it back under my bed.

"I'm coming, Christ!" I shouted when they rapped on the door again.

I removed myself from the floor and went to see who was coarsely interrupting my nostalgic thoughts.

Lynn stood in light, ripped jeans and a teal sweater under a winter black coat. Her caramel hair was straightened down her back and her knitted hat matched her sweater. Faint purple marks trailed down the collar of her sweater, the only remaining evidence that anything happened at all.

"Chloe said you were looking for me?" she asked. "Why didn't you just call?"

"I did!" I snapped. "Thirty-six times!"

Lynn stared at me for a moment before she dug through her bag and pulled out her phone. I watched as she pushed the button, nothing happening.

"It's dead," she acknowledged with a frown.

"No, shit!"

I peeked out of the room and up and down the hall to see if anyone was watching. The last thing we needed was more rumors floating around that Lynn was seen entering my room at late hours of the evening. When I didn't see anyone in sight, I quickly grabbed Lynn by the arm and pulled her inside, slamming the door shut.

"We have a problem," I said, getting right to the point. "Last Saturday I forgot to use a condom."

Her face dropped. "What?"

"I'm a fucking idiot. I don't know what was going on with me because I always, always, use protection," I clarified, even though I knew it was pointless. "It was just that everything happened so fast and it was so, so stimulating."

"Niall-"

"I was always terrified that this would happen, but I just thought it would be from a faulty condom or something, not my own senselessness! My head wasn't in control and I fucked up. It's too late for Plan B, but you should go to the pharmacy and get a pregnancy test just in case. I'll go with you!"

I grabbed my car keys and reached for my coat, getting ready to leave. The calm look on Lynn's face was working me up even more.

"Lynn! Are you not seeing how severe this is! This is forbidden, and we're football players going into the BUSA, for fuck's sake! If we don't-"

"Niall, I'm on the pill," Lynn interrupted.

I paused in my haste to leave and looked at her. "What?"

She shrugged. "I mean, it sucks that you didn't use protection because literally anything could happen, not to mention I don't know where you've been and the STDs and everything, but I'm not pregnant."

I wasn't sure why, but for the life of me I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that Lynn Mercury was on the pill. I was pretty confident her sex life wasn't all that hectic for her to even bother, especially now that Bradley was out of her life.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said. "I got my period a few days ago."

I let out a breath of relief, thanking all the gods in the world for this good luck despite my atheism.

And then Lynn laughed heartily. "You should have seen your face!" she said with the brightest smile I had ever seen. "Chloe said you were freaking out, but I never would have thought that this was why. I'm so used to you being cool and collected; this was a nice breath of fresh air to see you like that."

"Well, I'm glad you think it's funny," I said bitterly, dropping my keys on the desk again and putting my coat back on the hook. "Getting someone knocked up is one of my biggest fears."

"Oh, relax," she said, stepping closer. "It's good to see you panic, lets me know you're human and not like Medusa came and turned you into stone."

I took a seat on my bed and ran my fingers through my hair. This was one of the most stressful days of my life, and for what? Nothing, absolutely nothing. And I was so thankful for that. I could feel my heart calm down and settle back into my chest where it belonged. My rising anxiety simmered back down and an odd calm settled over me.

"If getting someone knocked up is one of your biggest fears, then why have random sex with strangers all the time?" Lynn asked. "That's a fear you can easily prevent from coming true."

"And what about you?" I asked, looking up at her. "You're the one on the pill."

Lynn crossed her arms. "I'm not on the pill because of sex; I'm on it for personal medical reasons." When she saw the curiosity on my face, she sighed and explained. "I get the worse cramps in the world, ones that make me sick and pass out... like you saw two months ago at practice. So I was prescribed to birth control to subside the pain. That's the only reason I have it. However, it has its perks."

I stared at her. "There's a lot I don't know about you, Lynn Mercury."

A smug smile tugged at the edges of her lips. "That's the point."

I understood that because I was the same way. Lynn and I weren't all that different - private people, very introverted - because we both have been hurt before, and we don't want to feel like that ever again. Because of our guarded nature, there's a lot of misconceptions and misinformation about what we're really like. And I wondered if I would ever know the real Lynn.

"I should get going," she sighed and slumped her shoulders. "Next time, use a condom."

My heart jumped in my chest. "Next time?"

"I mean, when you're with another girl," she clarified quickly. "I'm on the pill, but you may not be so lucky next time."

But I wasn't listening anymore. I stood up from the edge of the bed and closed the distance between us. "That's not what you meant when you said 'next time'."

Lynn's hand was on the door handle, but she didn't make any move to open it. Her eyes were glancing between mine and I knew I was right. The panic on her face was comical, but I wasn't smiling. She was right to assume I would sleep with another girl, because that's what I did. But the thing she didn't know was what happened the night we had sex was liberating to me. It wasn't anything I could have imagined and nothing I had experienced before - that raw, intimate feeling - and I loved every second of it.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I asked, my voice just scarcely above a whisper. "That night we were together was the best sex of my life."

There was some kind of electrical discharge in the air or something, because I swear the space between us was flourishing. The look in her eyes was no doubt panic, but there was a light - a light that I couldn't necessarily explain, but a light that made me continue.

"I had never been that amorous with someone before. I only touch when it's completely necessary, but with you it was different. I didn't want to take my hands off you; I wanted to press my body against yours and feel you as I-"

"Niall, stop," Lynn whispered, her voice shaky.

"Even after, I never had any desire to stay and hold anyone more than I did with you," I continued despite Lynn's protest. "Fuck, Lynn, I don't know what's so different about you but I didn't want to leave - I didn't want it to end. And I know you felt the same from the way you were shouting my name. There's no denying the scratches on my back left by your nails."

Anything could have happened then. I could have kissed her, maybe there would have been a repeat of last Saturday, or maybe Lynn would have kicked me in the shin for all I knew. But none of that mattered because the next thing I knew, Lynn's hand slipped on the doorknob and the door flew opened behind her. She stumbled back from the lack of support and caught herself before she fell.

Lynn was standing in the hallway, her hand over her heart like it was about to jump out of her ribs. The sudden surprise snatched her from the haze she was in and brought her back into her right mind.

Then she got closer to me, a wicked grin on her lips. She took a total three-sixty. One moment she was feeling like a caged animal, then the next she was cocky and ready to get a rise out of me. I'd be lying if I said this sudden mood change didn't turn me on. It also didn't help that she was only inches away from my face.

"If I ever have sex with you again," she started, "it will be in your dreams, Ireland."

And with that she was stepping away, making her way down the hall. I couldn't help myself as I watched her ass as she went.

"Counting on it, Princess," I shouted after her.