× Horan

I could just blame evolutionary biology for my painful memories. Our brains are hardwired from caveman times to remember the bad stuff to help keep you alive. Which is ironic really, because what I needed right then to stay alive was the good stuff, the fun stuff, the uplifting and hopeful.

The manila envelope lay on the rug next to my feet, all its contents spilled out around me. I was sitting in the middle of the room in stunned silence for the past five minutes, lost and utterly hollow from Lynn's exit.

I didn't even remember the last time I opened the envelope. God, it was a long time - before I even got into university, I believed. I forgot about the envelope when I brought my guitar through the three years of UNI so far. It wasn't something I wanted to travel back in time for.

There was a particular picture that caught my eye sticking out from under the bed. Stiffly, I picked it up. It was of a girl - she was seventeen, the same age as me when the picture was taken - smiling at the camera; her dusky blue eyes squinting in amusement. Her dark brown hair was down, slick and shiny against her pale Irish skin. There were two little freckles on her nose and a little dimple on her chin.

I rubbed my thumb against the shiny photograph, remembering when I took it. We were at the park just outside my backyard with the football goal that I used to go to everyday after school. I smiled at the memory of her sitting on the ball and then falling off backwards, making her contagious laugh boom through the park.

She always had some kind of picture taking device whether it was a digital camera, a phone, or a Polaroid.

"I always have to be ready," she had told me when I questioned her about it one time, "You just never know what you will see."

Alina Findlay was her name.

And Lynn Mercury reminded me of her.

There were pictures of us together all around me along with some postcards she had sent when she traveled to Spain one summer with long letters she had written, telling me what a wonderful time she was having. The floor around me was full of past memories that I both wanted to remember and forget for a bunch of different reasons.

The more and more I looked at the photograph, the more and more I wondered why she left me. The thought of her didn't make me sad anymore, just angry and muddled. She didn't leave anything behind to tell me why she did it, she just left.

And the more and more I looked at her, the more and more I was confused about everything.

× × ×

It was not okay in the least, but as soon as I stuffed a backpack full of clothes, my laptop, and necessary textbooks I had originally gone to get before I was offensively interrupted by someone going through my shit, I found a bathroom and didn't leave until I had my relief because there was no way in hell I was going to be walking around with a fucking boner.

It was a violation, I knew that, but it was proof I could get through this. I would probably have to masturbate until my dick fell off, but I'd never been known for decency in my room, anyway. If Lynn was going to continue to make me feel this way, then it was a necessity. What was the alternative? Was that even a line I wanted to wholeheartedly cross?

It was eleven by the time I got back to Jace's room.

"What took you so long?" he asked when I stepped inside

Jace's room was probably the only place for me to stay because he was the one person I trusted, and he also lived in the same Hall on the floor above me, so the commute to getting something from my place only took a few minutes. Besides, Dylan's roommate liked to snore, Thomas can't sleep unless heavy rock music is blasting through the room, and Reese's roommate likes to stare at me.

"Is Cheese Head here?" I questioned.

I walked over to Jace's desk and sat my backpack with all my stuff down before I took a seat on one of the chairs in the room. I referred to his roommate as Cheese Head because, well, he smelled like cheese.

"Not at the moment," he confirmed, sitting up in his bed. "You were gone for almost an hour."

I sighed heavily. "I did a really bad thing, Jace."

I then told him the whole story, beginning with the essay I stole from the English professor and how Lynn must have found the paper in my car and wanted to revenge me and how I found her at my place snooping... and then what happened after.

"You deliberately stole her essay?" Jace asked. He was silent through my full explanation which only told me he was going to blow up the second I was finished. And I was right. "Just so you could know what happened to her parents even though you knew she didn't want you to know about it?"

I nodded and leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees. "I'm such a dick."

"What's really disgusting is that you seduced her so she would forget about it," Jace added, making my head snap up and look at him like he just slapped me.

"That's not true!" I defended. "I'm not - I wouldn't... that's not how it happened, Jace. I wouldn't do something like that. I admit that I'm a piece of shit, but I wouldn't do something like that to anyone."

"That's what it sounds like you did, mate."

I told Jace what happened in hopes that he could give me advice, not accuse me of things I knew I did wrong and things I knew I didn't do. What Lynn and I did was a huge mistake; both looking into each other's lives even though we knew the other didn't like it, but I didn't need Jace telling me so.

"Tell me what to do," I said into the silence. "How do I fix it?"

Jace sighed and just shook his head at me. "You do realize there isn't a right and wrong answer to everything." I narrowed my eyes at him. It was like he told me that God existed and science was utter bullshit. He ignored me and continued. "Have you ever thought that maybe you've spent too much time mapping plans and reactions that you've overlooked something."

"Like what?"

"I'm just saying that you can't narrow a person down to a science."

"I can try. It's called psychology."

Jace glared at me and leaned against the wall. "I can't tell you what to do, Niall," he stated. "But you have to figure out what the fuck is going on with you. And then you have to ask yourself: Is it worth getting caught over?"

Ever since I told Jace about the first kiss we shared in the hallway, he kept bringing up that it was against Coach's rules to be with Lynn. I knew that. There were warning bells going off every time I thought about kissing Lynn, or touching her, or just simply being near her.

I didn't know how I felt, and Jace was right: I had to figure out what the hell was happening to me and there was always something I could lean on to help me out of any situation.

× × ×

"Is there science in love?"

Professor Haskins looked up from her stack of papers with a slight smile on her lips. "You got quite the shiner, there" she observed, taking a long look at my face.

It was Saturday afternoon, but I thought I would give it a shot to see if my chemistry professor was in, and to my luck, she was. I needed some personal insight and I knew my chemistry professor of three years would have the answer I was looking for. I could trust her to be honest with me without asking any questions.

"My roommate and I got into a disagreement," I said, slightly sheepish.

"Boys," the professor smiled with a shake of her head. She stood up straight and looked at me knowingly. "You know, you're not the only person who has asked me that question, Niall. I don't know what it is with you systematic males, but you just can't seem to... grasp the concept."

I cocked a brow at her. All last night and today I had been distracted by the thought of the evening before with Lynn. I could still feel her fingers though my hair and the sensation of her skin against my lips. It left my head spinning with incoherent thoughts that just made everything I was sentiment towards Lynn even more confusing.

So there I was, standing in front of my professor's desk asking a question I was afraid to get answers to. That right there should have been a reason for me to walk away, but I was stubborn and I stood my ground.

"It's hard to say, really, if there's love in chemistry. I can tell you that there are no magic love potions that you can use to make someone fall in love, but chemistry does play an important role in how a relationship progresses," Professor Haskins started. She brushed back a strand of her straight blonde hair before continuing. "A variety of different neurochemical procedures and external stimuli have to connect in the right compound and the right order for someone to fall in love."

I stepped forward and leaned against her desk, knowing this was going to be a hard conversation to follow. But I need it. I needed explanations.

"One of them is smell," she continued. "We get physically close to people because our bodies are looking for genetic compatibility, and what stirs all of those characters is the way someone smells to another person. It all depends on who it is, obviously, and how they grew up or their cultural preferences. While someone may smell great to you, they might disgust your best friend. In that case, there's a chance that your immune system operates slightly differently from theirs."

I couldn't help but think about the peppermint smell that always seemed to radiate off Lynn. It reminded me of Christmas time when I was younger, before my mum disowned me and my brother and I actually talked. My mum had a bowl in the kitchen full of these little peppermint candies that I always stole just because I knew I wasn't supposed to eat them before dinner. The first time I really sensed it on Lynn was in the hall when I first kissed her.

"There is a chemical in our body called norepinephrine, which raises your heartbeat and gives you sweaty palms," she explained. "Oxytocin accurse when touching, whether it's holding hands or just simply brushing past someone you feel attracted to. And then, of course, there is testosterone."

She paused and looks at me dead in the eyes.

"Niall, I know you put all your faith into science - and all I'm pointing out is that while chemistry is an incredible feeling of satisfaction - it is in no way a solid predictor of your future. It's literally just a feeling."

As soon as those words left her mouth, my heart sank.

All those big words I have heard during secondary school health class were useless to me. They meant nothing to my problem. So maybe my hands did get a little sweaty when I was around Lynn and my heart rate speeds up slightly. And sometimes when I'm around her, I don't think about sex, but just simply spending time with her and hearing her laugh and wanting to know everything about her grows as my biggest desire. So what?

"What you are saying is that my belief in science is crushed and everything I thought is a lie?"

Professor Haskins laughed. "Oh, god no," she smiled. "Love is a touchy subject and it honestly goes down to what you feel is right. So instead of chasing chemistry at a cost to your own mental health, take a second to realize that if you feel that high feeling with someone, you should probably take action. Or don't. It all comes down to you."

I nodded. "Thank you, Professor."

When I started walking away, she called after me before I could disappear out the door.

"Niall," she said, and I spun to look at her. Her eyes were sad, like she was recalling a past memory she didn't particularly enjoy. "It's illogical to be afraid of the inevitable."

× × ×

Is it worth getting caught over?

Jace's words kept repeating over and over in my head. I had a good shot at going professional, was I really going to throw that chance away because of my mixed emotions getting in the way? All I had left was to finish out this year and then one more before I could graduate with a bachelor degree in chemistry and go pro football.

I was risking everything for a fucking girl.

I had to clear my head and get things straight in my life. Fuck Lynn. Fuck the effect she had on me and fuck anything that has to do with her. I wasn't risking shit over that girl and I refused to let anything else happen between us.

The passenger side door of my car opening made me jump. I looked over and saw Abby climbing in wearing her traditional dress with light gray tights underneath. I stared at her as she wrapped the cashmere cardigan around her tighter from the cold outside. She didn't say anything as she continued to warm up and looked straight out the windshield.

What the fuck did she want? I did not have time for any more woman drama in my life.

"James won't talk to me," she stated into the silence. She kept her eyes forward as she slumped into the seat. "Has he said anything to you?"

"His fist did," I told her.

She looked over at me to see the damage on my face. I hadn't seen Abby since she left Lynn and Chloe's room when her brother found out about our one-night stand, which was surprising because I always saw her.

Abby shook her head in disgust. "He's always so protective," she said as she looked away and out the window beside her. "This isn't the first time he beat up a boy because of me. I'm sorry about all this, I should have told him and taken the heat before we put any time between it. I'm sure he's more upset that we didn't tell him."

"This isn't your fault, just like it isn't my fault," I told her. "This isn't anyone's fault because it shouldn't have been a problem in the first place. You and I are two individuals with our own choices."

Abby was silent as she continued to look out the window. I had this desire to know what was going through her head, but I didn't ask. I had to talk to James about this and figure out what to do. There was so much going on with this whole thing, not to mention Lynn and our game on Saturday and a test I had in maths I hadn't studied for yet.

Everything I knew was just slipping away from me.

I couldn't even remember the last time I slept with someone. Yes I did, it was the night of the bonfire. After dropping Lynn off, I found a girl in the lobby of my Hall - the girl who left the note along with the sheet, I think her name was Megan or something. That was so long ago, probably the longest I had ever gone. I still didn't have any craving to break the streak I was on, either, which was a surprise.

And then Lynn came to mind again. I had a habit of doing that lately. In the middle of the night, during a lecture, as I was running during practice, Lynn would just pop up and consume all my thoughts. I hated it. I hated her.

But I was scared, too, because everything I felt for Lynn was how I felt for Alina.

"Abby," I said into the quietness. "How do you prevent yourself from falling in love?"

She laughed sadly. "If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be sitting in this car."