× Mercury

It had been five days since I was offered to go to London. Five days to think over the opportunity to live my dream. Five days to think about all that I would be leaving behind.

I was sitting on the lawn outside the math building working on an English assignment that I got behind on. It was a nice California day, but honestly, when was the weather in LA not nice? The palm trees were lightly blowing in the wind and the small of freshly cut grass filled the air. There was a group of boys a couple of yards away kicking around a soccer ball and I had to fight the urge to join them. They looked tough and manly, I didn't want to tarnish their egos with my soccer abilities.

My phone kept going off with Snapchats from Jamie of her textbook with a funny caption or making silly faces as she sat in math, getting lectured in her studies.

I was outside waiting for her class to finish so we could go to lunch when I heard someone shout across the grassy field.

"Lynn!"

Looking up, I saw Bradley marching over to me. When I got a good look at his face, my heart fell. He was pissed - no that wasn't right... he was furious. I mean, he always had a brooding look to him, but this was different. It was the face of a raged, impulsive man.

I quickly put my phone away and stood up. Bradley didn't say anything, just held out his phone to me.

Taking the phone from him, I looked down and saw what got him all heated. It was a picture of me and Reese from the party last weekend, leaning against the wall with flirty smiles on our faces. We were pretty close, closer than I thought we were.

"What the hell is this?" Bradley finally spoke, his voice full of venom.

The picture was displayed on the UCLA Facebook page. The page displayed pictures from all kinds of events like sports, art fairs, science conventions, and parties.

I vaguely remember a guy at the party with a camera...

"Keep scrolling," Bradley pressed.

I went to the next picture and saw some more images of myself with Reese. I felt my face flush. Despite my head telling me to stop, I kept scrolling through the pictures almost like I was looking for some explanation for my behavior. But there wasn't anything, of course.

Skipping past pictures of people I didn't know chugging down beer or grinding on strangers, I finally found what triggered Bradley and my breath caught in my throat.

"There it is," Bradley said, a lot more quietly now.

The pictures were taken after mine and Katie's little "disagreement". I knew what I was doing at the time when those were taken, I was yelling at Niall and he was yelling right back at me. But through the lens of the camera, it really didn't look like that at all, and for Bradley, that didn't matter. From the angle of the camera and how dark it was, you couldn't really see our facial expressions, but it was bluntly obvious who the people were in them.

Our faces were close together, really close, and our body language said a lot more than what was actually going on. We were leaning into each other almost like we were being magnetically pulled together. I didn't recall my hands being on his chest except for when I pushed him away from me, but there they were, on him, grabbing at his shirt. His hands were around my wrists, almost like he wanted my hands against him.

I didn't go on Facebook often, but I really wish I did so I could've prepared myself for Bradley's confrontation before it happened.

"I..." I said, not really sure how to explain myself. How can you clarify something you don't even remember doing? "It's not what it looks like," I ended up saying lamely.

Bradley snorted and snatched his phone from my grasp. He then proceeded to grab my wrist and pull me closer to him, glaring down at me. "It's not what it looks like? A picture is worth a thousand words, Lynn," Bradley snapped, anger rising in his voice again. His grip on my wrist tightened and pain started shooting up my arm. "You were always there for me when I needed you, and then you go and do this shit. No one but me is allowed to touch you."

"Bradley-" I started. "Bradley, you're hurting me."

"You hurt me!" he shouted, but he let me go anyways.

His breath reeked of alcohol. He always acted out of proportion when he drank. He lashes out and takes things too far. I hated that side of him, but I stayed. For the life of me I didn't know why I stayed.

"I know it looks bad, but it's honestly not what it looks like. Niall and I-"

"Niall? So that's his name?" he interrogated. "That's the guy who took you away from the North Carolina team at the party, right? I noticed you left right after that. Did you fuck him?"

"What?" I shouted, my eyes wide.

Bradley shook his head and started walking away.

I grabbed his shoulder and made him turn back around, demanding him to hear me out. "No, you really don't understand, Bradley. I was yelling at him for dragging me outside after starting a fight. I am with you... all the way."

"Then prove it," he said urgently, getting closer again. "We're going back to my place so you can prove how much you are with me."

That seemed to send a shift between the two of us. If someone was listening into our conversation, they would easily think it was a threat, but upon further inspection, they would have known they were wrong. People with threats don't look at their targets in the same way Bradley was looking at me. People who are threatened don't lock onto the breath of those threatening them. This was more than that. This was a plea.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. His brown eyes were boring into mine, making me nod my head in agreement despite what my gut was telling me. He took my hand roughly and we began the walk to his dorm.

That was what I did. Whenever Bradley got angry, sad, or nervous, I would somehow find myself at his place, in his bed. It pleased him for me to be there, so that's what I would do. I would be there for him.

"Lynn!" I turned and saw Jamie jogging up to us. "Where are you going?"

"To Bradley's," I said emotionless.

She gave a look of disgust, but I pretended not to notice. "What about our lunch date?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I looked up at Bradley who was staring at Jamie, like he was trying to get into her head and make her walk away from us telepathically. "Sorry, Jamie," I said, a sad smile on my face. "He needs me."

There was hurt on her face, but I knew she would understand. Eventually.

"No," Jamie said to my surprise, reaching out and grabbing the hand that wasn't in Bradley's and yanking me away. "You're coming with me; Bradley can have you another time."

I didn't know that it was possible, I always thought it was something you read in books, but Bradley's face was actually turning red.

"I need her now," he demanded.

"You can manage a few hours without her, you have before."

Bradley lifted his hand and I flinched away, but the blow never came. Then Jamie started pulling me away from him. I knew Bradley wasn't going to hit me, but I honestly wouldn't have put it past him if he did.

"Back off!" Jamie shouted, shocking even me. She was a small, soft spoken girl who spent her free time at the animal shelter. It was rare to see her shout with so much rage. "Come on, let's go."

I followed after Jamie like a lost puppy. I looked over my shoulder at Bradley one last time and saw the wounded look on his face.

× × ×

"I don't like him," Jamie was saying as she stuffed a couple fries in her mouth, ketchup dripping from the edge of her lips. We were inside a small diner a lot of the college students go to between classes for food. Their waffles were to die for. The workers at the place knew the two of us by name for how often we went there.

I sighed, nodding. "I know, but you will. He's just hard to read."

Jamie looked up at me sadly. "Do you even know what he's doing to you?"

"What do you mean?"

She pushed the fries away and put her full attention on me. "What do you feel when you're around him?" she asked. "Like, when you kiss him. How do you feel?"

"Happy," I said automatically, like that answer was drilled into my head.

"Bullshit," her voice was low but aggressive, something that seemed to come so easily to Jamie even though I've never heard her so hostile. "You cannot tell me that you felt happy when I walked up to you today. I saw your eyes, Lynn. That did not look happy."

"What did you see?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

I always seemed to do that, ask questions I don't want the answers to. Why do I have to take an ice bath after a long workout? Or, how many gummy bears have I eaten? Or my favorite, are my parents really dead?

Jamie grabbed her drink and took a sip. "Trapped?" she guessed. "You were almost bagging me with your eyes to take you away. Did you not notice that?"

I shook my head.

"He's brainwashed you. I'm not sure what he did that made you follow him around and put up with his shit, but it's sickening to watch my best friend being used like that-"

"I am not being used!" I shouted, slamming my hand on the table in front of me. A couple across from us looked over in surprise. "He needs me."

Jamie laughed suddenly. Normally her laughter was welcoming, but the cruelness of that sound was anything but. "Needs you? Yeah, maybe, but not in the way you think. You're like his punching bag for sexual frustration. He goes to you when he's upset to relieve it through you and your body. That is all you are to him, a body he can take complete control over."

I sat in silence.

"I see the bruises," Jamie added, her blue eyes sad. "I know Bradley doesn't abuse you, but in a way... he is. What you two have is purely physical and he is rough, too rough with you. And what saddens me is that you just take it. Do you even know his middle name?" When I didn't answer, she continued. "His mom's name? How about siblings? His first pet? His-"

"Okay!" I shouted, bagging her to stop. My throat was closing up and I could feel tears threatening to break loose. "Okay, I get it..."

Jamie sat back in her seat and watched me as I started to collect myself again. She was right, she was completely right and I hated myself for it. I really did hate the way Bradley treated me, and in the back of my mind I knew he was using me. I knew nothing about him, and he knew nothing about me. It was just sex and I was sick to my stomach thinking about it.

But I also knew that I couldn't leave, not without... being alone.

"Why are you even with him?" she asked softly. "Does it have to do with your parent's death? Is it because... is it because you don't feel wanted? Being with Bradley makes you feel needed. That's why, isn't it?"

I never really thought about the reason why, I just thought I liked him and enjoyed being around him. But Jamie put the sense in me and I could finally feel... emptiness whenever I was with him. Mindless sex. Emotionless touching. Needy kisses. And all of it was one sided.

"Yeah," I found myself saying.

I didn't look at her because if I did I knew I would start crying. I focused my attention on a grain of salt on the table and thought back to the months the two of us spent together. It hit me then that I felt nothing but hollowness inside from all the nights we spent together.

"You are wanted," Jamie said, breaking me out of my hideous thoughts. "And needed. God, Lynn, you are so needed. I don't know what happened with your family, but there are still so many people here who love you. You don't need some dick to give you that satisfaction. You have the power to end it with Bradley. It's toxic and you know it."

I shook my head, a tear finally spilling down my cheek. "I can't."

"Yes you can! You are strong and you are sassy and you can break away from him. Show him the Lynn I know, show him the Lynn that people see on the soccer field. The strong, fearless girl I love. Dump his nasty ass to the curb. Don't be afraid of him. Show him the girl that doesn't need a boy to feel wanted!"

"What if he hurts me?" I couldn't help but ask. I think deep down I knew I had to end whatever we had, but I was just afraid he would hurt me one way or another.

"I won't let that happen," she said, and I knew she wasn't lying. She would swim across oceans to keep me safe and I loved her for that.

Jamie reached her hand out on the table and grabbed mine, giving it a squeeze. As petite and nonthreatening Jamie may have been, her heart was big and I knew she was going to stick with her promise to the end.

Sniffling, I reached out with my other hand and placed it on top of hers, a small smile on my lips. "You're too good to me," I told her.

"I care about you, Lynn," she said, returning the smile. "I told you you're wanted."

We ate in silence after that, just enjoying each other's company. Neither of us brought up Bradley again and I was glad. I needed to dump him, or leave him, or whatever. Finally listening to my gut had never felt better. Knowing I was through with him lifted my spirits so much higher I swore I could have run a marathon or two.

"I blame Niall for all this," I blurted, thinking back on the picture Bradley showed me of the two of us. "If it wasn't for him, none this would have happened."

"You shouldn't be blaming him," Jamie said, sticking a finger in her mouth to lick off the salt from the fries. "You should be thanking him."

I snorted. "I'll thank him when hell freezes over."