"God, it's you again," Jeremy groaned. The Squip was exactly as he remembered -- same face, same hair, same annoying arrogant robot voice.

"Your neural memory indicates that an introduction of my features is unnecessary, correct?" The Squip began.

"Uh, yeah, I know the drill."

"And I should assume my default settings, correct?"

"It doesn't matter," said Jeremy. "This was a mistake." He stood and left the bathroom, shaking his head. "I need to find Michael..."

"According to your neural memory," the Squip recited, standing stiffly, "Michael has been your best friend since elementary school. You have extensive knowledge of his likes, dislikes, insecurities and mannerisms. He shut down your Squip last time you had one. Recently, you have been experiencing romantic and sexual feelings for him, which -- "

Jeremy cut him off in a hurry. "Wait, wait, romantic, sure, but sexual? No, no no no, I just -- "

"You can't lie to me, Jeremy, I'm inside your brain. Surely you remember that from the last sexual situation you tried to deny thinking about. Besides, I can see what you're picturing right now, and it's certainly not PG." He paused, scanning once more. "I didn't know you had a furry kink."

The Squip smirked at the furious blush that came over Jeremy's face. "You're embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed, blushing is a sign of weakness. If you want to be at the top of the social food chain you cannot show weakness."

Jeremy retrieved his phone from his room and started down the stairs as the Squip followed. "I can't just stop blushing, I..." The Squip waved a hand over his face and, to Jeremy's surprise, his face cooled instantly and the blush was gone. "H-how did you... I didn't know you could do that."

"I can do much more than that, Jeremy," the Squip laughed. "You never allowed me to showcase my full physiological potential, which is why destroying me now would be a bad decision."

Jeremy stopped halfway down the staircase. "I know what you're doing."

"I'm trying to stop you from making a mistake."

"You're the mistake, and I have to fix it, so if you'll just shut up and let me, I'd really appreciate it," he huffed, continuing downstairs and to the front door. The Squip stopped him from leaving, and instead directed him toward the couch.

Jeremy began to panic at the loss of control. "No, not this again, please, I don't want -- "

"Calm down, Jeremy." He made Jeremy sit on the couch, unable to move any more. "Allow me to state my case and then, if you still want to, I'll allow you to retrieve the Mountain Dew Red without resistance. I won't even say another word about it once you've decided, if you wish."

"You really think I believe that?" Jeremy spat.

The Squip sighed heavily. "I know you believe it." He sat next to Jeremy. "I know that you possess a very trusting personality. I'm inside your brain. How many times must we go over this?"

Jeremy was silent.

"Okay, then it's settled." The Squip clapped his hands together and stood up, ready to monologue. "So, you implanted me for the primary purpose of helping you access a romantic and sexual relationship with the target male. In short, you want the two of you to be boyfriends, correct?"

Jeremy began to nod, but stopped. The Squip scanned through the thoughts that followed, which went like this:

He could be mine but not really him (that is NOT Christine) Christine broke up with me Christine doesn't love me Michael loves me but Michael doesn't love me the same as I love him but he could but it wouldn't be him but would it be worth it I don't want to lose him I don't want to lose him I don't want him to lose himself I don't want this I didn't want any of this I want him to need me it hurts to look at him it hurts to be with him it hurts it hurts he's not mine I wish he loved me like I do I wish he --

"If I may interject," the Squip interjected, "I see that you're having doubts about me, and about Michael. But perhaps I can ease your anxiety." He used his finger to draw a sort of flow chart in the air as he spoke, which appeared before Jeremy in a trail of light not unlike a long exposure shot of sparklers on the Fourth of July. "You" -- he drew a circle with a J inside -- "want to gain access to Michael" -- another with an M -- "but this access has been compromised by Brooke" -- another with a B, right beside the M -- "so the obvious solution is" -- he drew a large X over Brooke's symbol -- "to outperform the competition."

"You're not going to kill Brooke like you killed Eminem, right?" Jeremy blurted out.

"I didn't kill Eminem and I'm not going to kill Brooke," the Squip replied patiently. "I'm going to make you more appealing to Michael than Brooke is. It shouldn't be difficult -- Michael is much more accessible than Christine ever was."

"But... Michael's straight. So that won't work," Jeremy dismissed. He tried to stand but was unable. "Can I get up now?"

"I'm not finished. Jeremy, I am a computer. I compute. It's what I do. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is an eighty-three percent chance that Michael Mell is gay."

Jeremy rolled his eyes. "More like seventeen. I'd trust the inverse since he's on a date with a girl right now," he scoffed.

"I know he is," said the Squip, raising an eyebrow. "But given the variables I've gathered from your memory, there's only a thirty-eight percent chance that their relationship will last longer than a week."

Jeremy tried to stand again, and was again stopped. He sighed in frustration. "Look, if I give this a shot, will you stop spitting statistics at me?"

The Squip just smiled for a moment. "I knew you'd come around. Jeremy, I have a plan. If you follow this plan, there is a very high probability of Michael falling head-over-heels in love with you, if you'll pardon the outdated cliche." As an afterthought, he released Jeremy from the couch.

Standing and stretching, Jeremy nodded. "What's the plan?"

"There are a few steps, but they're simple enough." Jeremy nodded again, so he continued. "Step one is to distance yourself from Michael. Not too much, but noticeably. I'll guide you in this. The goal is to make him think you're upset with him, which, in a way, you are, because of Brooke."

"That's the opposite of what I want," said Jeremy, exasperated. "I don't want distance, and I want him to like me, not be mad at me."

"The goal is not to make him angry, it's to make him crave your attention. From what I've gathered of his personality and your friendship, he will not be angry. He will be worried that he's done something to upset you, and approach you about it. That's where step two comes in and you will divulge a secret that will give Michael the urge to comfort you."

"We don't have any secrets, we -- "

"Tell each other everything, yes, I know. I'll invent a secret based on the situation the confrontation takes place in." The Squip brushed him off and moved right along. "Step three is actually the easiest -- physical contact. You two are not shy about platonic intimacy, so it shouldn't be a problem. You'll just have to imply that it isn't quite platonic anymore. Again, I will help with the specifics."

Jeremy was skeptical. Could this plan work? Was it possible to make Michael fall in love with him that easily -- three simple steps? He wondered if it would work on anybody or if it was specific to Michael.

The Squip answered his thoughts. "It is specific, to an extent. These steps will only work if the potential for a romantic relationship already exists. But now is not the time to worry about that; step one is about to begin. Do not answer the phone."

Jeremy's phone rang. He took it out of his pocket, already knowing it would be Michael. He stared at the screen, wrestling with his own thoughts. Do I pick up? Do I listen to the Squip? How much do I really trust him after what happened before?

The Squip heard all of these thoughts but didn't bother to answer them. He knew the odds of Jeremy following the plan. The Squip watched over Jeremy's shoulder as he came to a decision.

He didn't answer.