Everybody Knows Fred           

as told by / sloanranger

Two guys are sitting in an upscale bar. One guy says to the other:

"I gotta get out of this town, everybody knows me here."

Other guy says, tolerantly: "You don't know everybody, Fred."

"I'm telling you," he says. "I know everybody."

"You know everybody, huh?"

"Yeah, that's right, I know everybody."

"Okay," other guy says, humoring him. "Who do you know?"

"Well, I know the president," Fred says.

"You know the president." His friend deadpans.

"Yeah."

"President Barack Obama?"

"You don't believe me? Come on, we'll take the Lear Jet, I'll introduce you." So they fly to D.C. and unbelievably, the White House guard lets them in with a smile and a wave. They go straight to the oval office and President Obama comes from behind the desk and grabs Fred's hand.

"Fred! How the heck are you? Michelle and I haven't seen you since, what – the inauguration? We have to have dinner one night."

This goes on for a while and the two visitors finally fly back to the bar.

"Okay," his friend acquiesces. "So you know the president. Still doesn't mean you know everybody."

"I'm telling you, I know e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y."

His friend laughs. "I don't think so."

"You don't believe me? You know PM Cameron?"

"The Prime Minister in the UK? No, Fred. I don't," his friend grins. "And I doubt you do either."

"Come on," Fred says. So they take the Lear jet and fly to England.

Again, unbelievabley, they are ushered right in, and the same scene as happened at the White House is repeated at 10 Downing Street.

They get back to the bar; his friend, the other guy, is amused but impressed.

"Okay, Fred. You know a lot of political leaders, I'm convinced. But that still doesn't mean you know everybody. It's impossible."

Fred shakes his head. "All right, that's it. 'Know the Pope, the new one, Francis - I know him."

"You don't know the Pope."

So again, they take the Lear jet and they fly to Rome. They're outside with a crowd, in Vatican  square, and Fred says: "Look he's busy – but he's gonna give a speech up on that balcony. So I'll go on up and you'll see us together talking, and we'll wave. Okay?"

His friend looks at him stolidly: "Yeah, sure – right."

A few minutes later the pope appears on the balcony and Fred is with him, talking and laughing. He and the pontiff wave at his friend in the audience and all of a sudden, Fred sees his friend go down. He races from the balcony, back into the crowd and picks his friend up. "What happened," he says, "you okay?"

"Well," his friend says, "I thought was doing all right - till this guy comes up next to me and says:

"Who's that guy up there with Fred?"