Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.

When a zombie apocalypses starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris used to beat the S**t out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Chuck Norris cheated on his English test............with a calculator.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.