Frank woke up with his wrists shackled to a brick wall. The room was dingy and dark and appeared to be lit only by a lone torch that was ensconced in the opposite wall. Next to it a skeleton was shackled in the exact same manner that Frank was.

"Dang it," he said. "It looks like I've been kidnapped by wizards again."

"Not just any wizard!" a deep voice reverberated throughout the room. There was a bright flash of light followed by a puff of smoke, and then an old man with a long white beard materialized in the middle of the room. He wore the stereotypical wizard outfit: long flowing robes covered in moons and stars, a big pointy hat on his head, and fancy gold sandals on his feet. He also sported a big wooden staff with a glowing red orb that floated a few inches above the tip of it. "You have the honor of being kidnapped by Zarnax the Great!"

"Who?" Frank asked.

The wizard got a disappointed look on his face as he balled up his fists and rested them on his hips. "Come on now. Surely you've heard of Zarnax the Great? Responsible for the infamous Brown Sugar Blizzard of ought nine? No? How about the Uruguayan Square Dancing Epidemic? That just happened last year. It was international news!"

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with it," Frank said.

"What?" the wizard raised his hands in annoyance. "Do you young people do anything but play video games and watch your little tic-tac-toe videos and twoot at each other, or whatever you call it? There's a whole big world out there. You should be paying attention!"

"I'm fifty-seven years old," Frank groaned. "I don't engage in any of those activities you mentioned. Maybe you're just not that famous."

"Not that famous?" the wizard sputtered. "You've heard of Fatty Arbuckle, right? Well, I'll have you know I'm twice as famous as he is!"

"I have never heard of that person in my life," Frank said.

"Never heard of Fatty Arbuckle? One of the great stars of the silent film era? Accused of the rape and manslaughter of actress Virginia Rappe at the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco? It was one of the biggest scandals of both 1921 and 1922!"

"That was a little before my time," Frank said. "Say, do you think you could maybe unclasp one of my wrists? I've got an itch in the small of my back, and it's driving me nuts."

"Admit you know who Fatty Arbuckle is, and maybe I will," the wizard sniffed.

"Oh, right," Frank said. "Tubby Shoebuckle you said? Of course I've heard of him. That guy's a legend."

The wizard narrowed his eyes and studied Frank's face. "You wouldn't just be shining me on in order to relieve your itchy back, would you?"

"No, of course not," Frank said. "Your topical references went over my head because, as you say, us young people are distracted with our electronic devices and whatnot these days. But you'd have to be living under a rock not to have heard of Chubby Mcbelt Buckle."

"Very well, I obviously can't release your wrists, but I will scratch your back with my magic wand. One end of it is pretty pointy and I can assure you it is quite satisfying when it comes to eliminating itches."

"Why can't you release my wrists?" Frank asked.

"Because then you wouldn't be a prisoner anymore," the wizard explained with a tone of voice that suggested he'd had more intellectually stimulating conversations with cans of paint.

"But I'd still be locked in this dungeon, so I would still be a prisoner," Frank said.

"Actually the lock on the door is busted, so you'd be able to walk right out," the wizard said. "Speaking of which, I really need to get that thing fixed."

"But why am I a prisoner in the first place?" Frank asked.

"You know why!" the wizard shouted.

"No! I don't!" Frank shouted back.

"Do the words 'rainbow poodle surprise' mean anything to you?" the wizard asked.

"No, they don't," Frank said. "Are you sure you've kidnapped the right guy? You wizards seem to make a lot of mistakes. Out of the three previous times I got kidnapped by one of you, only once was I the person they actually wanted. And that was because we accidentally swapped bags at the airport. Once we traded them back, he let me go. Say, maybe you could be a pal and let me go, too."

"No, I don't think I'll be doing that," the wizard said. "But I have been suddenly swept up with an odd feeling of mercy. I do believe I shall grant one of my prisoners their freedom today. Old Seamus has been chained up in here a long time, and it turned out he never even met my wife. I've been meaning to let him go for a while now, but it keeps slipping my mind. Thanks for refreshing my memory."

The wizard walked over to where the skeleton was chained to the wall. He reached for the manacles, but as soon as he brushed against the rib cage, the entire skeleton crumbled into a pile of dust.

"Oops," the wizard said. "Well, at least he's free now."

"Come on," Frank said. "If you let that guy go, you can let me go, too. I didn't do anything! I promise!"

"The sincerity in your voice has touched me," the wizard said. "I'm inclined to believe you. Unfortunately, I seem to have somehow gotten my wrists ensnared in Old Seamus's manacles."

"How the hell did you do that?" Frank asked.

"I don't know!" the wizard shouted. "It must have been magic or something! I am a bloody wizard after all! Maybe the manacles themselves are ensorcelled." The wizard blew a long puff of air between his lips. "I'm afraid I don't know any spells to release shackles. I've got a key in my pocket, but I can't reach it at the moment."

"So we're both stuck here together?" Frank asked.

"It would appear so," the wizard said. "You know any good jokes? We've got a whole lot of time to kill."