hi lol its early and i need to get shit off of my chest

i feel like absolute crap

recently i havent been strong minded enough to even get out of bed, but i have to. ive been falling asleep at 4am roughly and waking up between 12 and 4pm. i have not showered in just over a week, i dont have the energy to shower. i havent eaten properly, im just not hungry. 

two sundays ago.. so like the 14th of june 2020, i passed out in morrisons car park and had a siezure for 20 seconds. i was with my friend that day, and i hadnt seen her in months and i feel like i completely fucked it all up just because i couldnt stop myself from passingout. i was talking to her parents and felt warm and dizzy. id felt it before, it wasnt the first time ive passed out because im a naturally ill person. ive got asthma, anaemia and labyrinthitis, of course i would have experienced it before. but when i sat down, the feeling didnt go away and i felt awful so i took my hoodie off and i dont remember what happened next, i just woke up feeling confused as to why i was on concrete.

i really hit my head though, i couldnt eat without it hurting for a week after that because id gone down pretty hard and no one could catch me in time but i was soon taken to the hospital and checked over.

i have a phobia of needles. and my mother couldnt be with me as im now 18, and with the new covid regulations she couldnt at all. so they took me to a ward and gave me a sectioned off area with a bed and a gown i needed to change in. i cried the entire time, mainly because i was alone, but also because of the needles. i was told i needed blood tests. after a while a nurse came in and could see i wasnt happy and offered to bring their smallest cannula in and take it apart for me to see how it works, then another person came in and sat besides me and he tried distracting me as they put it into my right arm. they managed to get it in the first time and i flinched but the blood wouldnt come out fast enough do they had to redo it. by this time i was fully shaking, my entire body was visibly shaking so hard i couldnt stop it. so she put it in again, this time i didnt flinch and im genuinely so proud of myself.

i soon got discharged and just got told it was a passing thing, that nothing was wrong with my bloods or my blood sugar or my heart rate, as i also had an ECG (sticky things on ur chest).

i knew i hadnt been eating properly. i hadnt eaten at all that day but thats what had been happening for a week so i didnt think anything of it.

sorry if this seems long winded but i just need somewhere i can write it all down.

nothing actually feels real anymore. i feel like im always running away from my problems. i cant get up, cant shower.

i cant leave the house until late at night because im scared of seeing people, and even when i am out, i cant be out for long because i feel ill and have to rush home or take a shortcut. i met up with a friend last week and had to leave him earlier than expected because i felt sick and lightheaded.

i think its been so long since ive been on here that yall probably dont know ur boi has started smoking. i started shortly after my last breakup which absolutely crushed me. i used it as a coping mechagnism and now i use it as help for stress. i plan on quitting some time after university, if that is ever going to happen now that im being refused the access to retake my final year, having to settle with a U and a D as my final grades.

i dont feel overly happy anymore either. of course im happy when im talking or thinking about my boyfriend or talking to my friends but even then i cant feel properly happy but it feels like ive always been like this, like ive never truly been able to be happy and that all im doing is waiting to get older and experiencing everything with only half of the enthusiasm.

part of me kind of thinks this is just part of being 18 and becoming an adult but ive been 18 for about 7 months now and i already hate it. id had thoughts of doing/using things to distract myself but i dont have the money or confidence for that shit.

haha this update is a shit show sorry if ur reading it i just dont know what to feel rn.

i did my makeup today though! not all of it because i felt shitty but i managed to do my eyeliner (for those who follow my instagram would know i have ch0nky eyeliner-). im quite proud i managed to actually do ittoday, even if im going to collapse in half an hour and sleeo all day.