The first order of business was my bed.

After that was taken care of, the rest was relatively easy. I folded and put my clothes away, cleaned off my desk and dresser, put away the glasses, and finished by vacuuming the entire space. I looked around and was surprised to feel semi-accomplished. Cleaning was far from my favorite pastime, let alone one of my pastimes, but now that I'd made my room presentable, I was starting to feel better. Productive, even. Maybe if I could tackle a mess like my room I could tackle some part of my messy life. Now that would be something.

I knew I needed to pull myself together. Get off my ass and start preparing for my senior year, be it online or in person. No matter what happened, I knew I needed to just get ahold of myself. Put the brakes on my brain and the never-ending train of thoughts it had boarded. Reverse the one way ticket. I was tired of feeling empty and dead, and I was tired of being afraid to live. There was always the risk of disappointment, of failure. And the fear of that alone always made me rethink everything.

Which was why I was still stuck in my self destructive mindset. Nobody wants to be depressed; I was just stuck in a cycle. Being depressed was the only thing I was good at. The only thing I knew for certain I would never fail at. It was comforting in a sense, despite the fact that I knew it could destroy me.

I blinked, falling back to sit down on my bed. The mattress bent to carry me, cushioning me. I guess could also always count on my mattress to support me; it had seen me at my worse, witnessed the mental breakdowns, the screaming and crying. The darkest moments.

It had also seen some of the good parts. Frankie and I staring up at the ceiling together, telling our life goals to the strands of dust, laughing for hours. Lee and I wrestling, my mom braiding my hair, my dad telling some stupid joke. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with the urge to cry.

I wasn't a crier. Usually my only weakness was animated movies or months upon months of bottling. Yet everything seemed to hit me at once. I missed my friends. I missed my life. Hell, I even missed school. My senior year of high school, the one that I'd spent my entire life waiting for, was already over and it hadn't even begun. Was time leaving me behind already? How had I survived like this for months? My eyes welled up, but I refused to let a tear fall. I wasn't about to give into some silly urge and shut down. Not now, not when I was finally feeling inspired to kickstart my life again.

Above all I missed Frankie. She always knew what to say, she never missed a beat. I wanted to pick up my phone and text her, tell her what I was feeling, ask for advice. See if she felt the same way. I didn't want to be alone, I was sick of feeling alone. I'd been alone since Ria had arrived, since the virus had first reached our home, since mom had put us all in lockdown. I'd been alone my entire life, I'd never found love—at least not love that lasted—, never felt like I belonged. Texting Frankie no longer seemed like a good idea. I already knew what she'd say.

"You're overthinking." Brain-Frankie said to me, staring me down, shaking her head ever so slightly. My breathing quickened, intimidated by her gaze. Her eyes twinkled though, so I knew she cared. She was worried about me, but knew I'd be okay. She thought I was strong. She knew I was strong. This was just another day of my life, something that I'd look back on in years and barely be able to remember.

"I know." I said through clenched teeth. Maybe I was reading it all wrong. Her eyes were twinkling because she found this amusing. I was just another joke, someone she kept around for laughs. I was pathetic, unable to control my own thoughts. Of course she'd laugh at me, who could blame her? I felt ridiculous. None of this was even real.

"Just breathe." Brain-Frankie continued. "You just need to calm down, let these feelings pass. All of this is in your head." It seemed like Brain-Frankie knew what she was talking about. It was all in my head. It was always in my head. I was always in my head.

"Breathing. Okay. I can do that." Could I do that? Breathing wasn't always so simple. There were steps to it but no instructions. How did we know to breathe automatically if no one told us to? What determined that instinct, the need to survive, the primal knowledge of how to get by? Under everything, under all of humanities' knowledge, was our knowledge of nature. Undeniable, inescapable nature. It would destroy us if we forgot it, but it saved us without any thought. How was I supposed to breathe without thinking about breathing? All I could think about was my breath, in and out, in and out, in and out.

"In and out." Brain-Frankie repeated softly, almost as if she could read my thoughts.

But she was my thoughts. None of this was real. I needed to wake up, snap out of it. I was trapping myself in my own mind, just like I always did. There was no escape, only temporary refuge. Life was never-ending.

I ended up being saved by Lee.

He stormed into my room (he never knocked), holding up two hangers, each with a different shirt and tie. His lips already formed a question, most likely about which one he should wear for his date, or which one made him look more fit or something stupid. He must have seen me on the bed, staring blankly at the wall across from me, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I hyperventilated. Embarrassing, to say the least.

Lee did get me to calm down. I wasn't really sure how, all of it was blurry. I remembered him coaxing me to breathe normally, letting me know it would be okay. He'd said something about cancelling his date, maybe that had done it. I hated being the reason for others' unhappiness. I didn't want him to cancel his night just to take care of his silly little sister. I didn't want to ruin another person's life.

Not after Connor.

Connor came from a time in my life I was not proud of. I'd been stuck in my own mind, more so than usual at least, and I'd let it affect me both internally and externally. I'd ruined friendships, started to fail my classes, and ultimately had broken the heart of a boy who deserved the world.

Mary had introduced us. Connor was the friend of her now ex-boyfriend, Harley. Mary, in a boy-crazed daze, had told me she had someone she wanted me to meet, dragging me to some stupid Halloween party. I'd actually been proud of my costume for once: I'd found a Gatsby-style dress at an antique store and rolled with it. My mom had helped me make the headpiece, sew matching gloves, and had lent me one of her pearl necklaces. I'd even attempted to do my makeup, diving out of my comfort zone with blue eyeshadow and a red lip. Just before Mary had picked me up I'd looked in the mirror. I'd felt pretty, which was an unusual but not unwelcome feeling.

Mary of course looked stunning. She was dressed up as an angel, which in my opinion was basic, but Mary somehow made it look like the most unique costume in the world. Frankie served looks as a zombie, Julia was the new hot and sexy Devil, and Ria was a fairy. Everyone complimented us as we walked around some random sophomore's house. I'd grabbed a claw for each of us, trying to keep my face from scrunching up in distaste as I sipped it. I'd never understood how people could enjoy the taste of alcohol.

Frankie and Ria were already tipsy, dancing around and giggling. I couldn't deny the jealousy I felt; it should've been me dancing with Frankie. It should've been me making her laugh, giggling to ourselves and watching the rest of the world fade away. Mary and Julia had each other. Frankie and Ria laughed away. I was all alone. I finished my second claw and grabbed another drink, something different this time. I wasn't sure what it was. Someone was calling my name. The world around me was a blur of sounds, music and laughter echoing in my ears. I felt a hand on my arm, jolting me back into my body, back into reality.

"This is Connor." It was Mary, gesturing at one of the two boys by her side. "I told you about him, remember?" The boy in question, Connor, smiled and waved. He was cute, with curly brown hair cut in classic white boy fashion. His eyes gleamed in the flashing LED lights. I couldn't tell what color they were. The hopeless romantic in me screamed.

"How could I forget?" I laughed, focusing on my smile the same way I'd focused on swallowing my drink. I vaguely remembered Mary gushing about her new boyfriend and telling us that his friend had a thing for me. She'd said something about promising to introduce me, although I wasn't sure why she'd ever say anything like that. Who in their right mind would have a thing for me? "Mary's told me all about you." I locked eyes with Connor, who looked almost bashful.

"All good things I hope." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. Mary nudged me in his direction, pushing us closer together. Then she walked away, leaving just the two of us standing in the corner.

"Only the bad things, actually." I said, keeping a straight face. For a moment Connor looked confused, but then he seemed to recognize my sarcasm. "What's she told you about me?"

"Oh she says you're the worst." Connor joked. "For real though, she hasn't really told me much. But that's fine with me, I'd prefer to learn on my own." I raised an eyebrow. Smooth Connor, smooth.

"Really now?" I questioned, moving to take another sip of my drink before realizing the can was empty. Damn it. "What would you like to know?"

"What's your number, for starters." He cleared his throat. Before I knew what I was doing, I gave it to him, watching him type it into his phone. I'd used to think that it was lucky I wasn't fully sober. If I had been, I wouldn't have given him my number. Now, looking back, things would've just been better if everything had ended there.

"Wanna get out of here?" Connor asked, gesturing to the door. I looked around. None of my friends were in view—Frankie and Ria were probably sparking up with some random dudes, Mary was with Harley, and Julia was definitely chatting up a new guy. There was no reason for me to stay here, we'd all already agreed not to rely on each other for rides home. We usually got split up at parties and just found our own ways home. Besides, there was no way a neighbor wouldn't call in a noise complaint soon. I'd give it another twenty minutes before a cop showed up and we all had to dash. Better to get out now.

Of course a part of me screamed stranger danger! I'd only just met Connor, did I really want to leave with him? I barely knew him outside of seeing him in the halls and biology class. But Mary seemed to think he was a good guy, she'd never set me up with someone creepy or weird.

"Please." I said, leading the way out. Behind me, Connor grinned, dashing after me and pointing to his car. I looked him up and down. "You had anything to drink tonight, sir?" I added gruffly.

"No, officer." Connor mock saluted.

"I don't think you're supposed to salute cops." I said. Connor shrugged, unlocking his car. It was a newer-looking silver Prius with leather interior. I'd never actually been inside a Prius, all I really knew about them was that they were cheap for gas and good for the environment. And subject to many jokes. Climbing inside, I decided I liked it. "Where did you wanna go?"

"Beach? Downtown? I can take you home, if you want, too." Connor said, shutting his door behind him. I'd only just met this boy and I already felt comfortable around him. It was weirding me out, but in a good way. It was hard to explain, but I felt like we'd been friends for a long time. Maybe I was tipsier than I thought.

"What are you dressed as?" I changed the subject, looking him over again. I hadn't really paid attention before to what he was wearing, some old white button down and trousers. There was a bandana sticking out of his pocket.

"A very pathetic looking pirate." Connor said. "I've got an eyepatch too, mom insisted I bring it. It's in the glove compartment." He looked sort of embarrassed, and I laughed. "Gatsby, right?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Wear the eyepatch. Let's go trick-o-treating."

Connor drove to one of the nicer neighborhoods in town, a smart idea on his part. Everyone knew the rich gave out better candy. As we drove, we'd argued over AUX privileges, Connor stating that it was his car and therefore his music, me pointing out that I was a guest and it was proper manners to let me take control. In the end I'd won, although the victory had turned out to be meaningless once we realized our taste in music was eerily similar. Pretty soon we were scream singing, driving with the windows down. I was happy.

The eyepatch made the night even better. We managed to get through the entire neighborhood by 10pm, when most of the actual kids started to go back home. I'd made Connor a makeshift bag out of an empty tissue box and shoelace I'd found in the backseat of his car, using my purse as my own. I was enjoying myself; both of us would crack stupid jokes or make fun of the other. I made up a costume rating game, creating a set of rules and instructions on how to best judge a costume. That had been fun until we got into another debate over whether or not someone's Inigo Montoya was worthy of a 6 or 7. Mary had texted me a few times throughout the night to see how things were going. I'd shut her up with a we're just friends text, making sure Connor didn't accidentally read it. As of that moment, we were just friends. I didn't want to rush into anything.

"Candy haul?" Connor asked when we got back to the car, but it wasn't even a real question. We looked at each other knowingly, clambering inside and turning on one of the overhead lights. Both of us dumped our spoils into our laps, shuffling through them with our fingers to try and see who'd gotten more. I ended up with 127 pieces, Connor with 134.

"Cheater." I grumbled. "When that lady said 'take as many as you want' she didn't mean take four handfuls."

"Yo, it's free reign." Connor defended. "No rules in candy gathering. You clearly just need to step up your game." He eyed my collection thoughtfully. "That being said, I'll give you all my Almond Joys for your Reese's."

"Who the hell do you think I am?" I flipped him off. "No way I'm giving up the Reese's for some shit Almond Joys. You're gonna need to negotiate a better deal."

"Name your price." Connor said. Reese's had to be his favorite or something. I scanned through what he had to offer.

"Give me the Snickers and you've got yourself a proper deal." I suggested, holding out my hand. Connor smacked it away.

"What? Dude, you get way more out of that than I do. You've only got like seven Reese's, I've got eleven Snickers." Connor argued. "I'll give you seven Snickers for seven Reese's. It's only fair." I frowned.

"Ten for seven." I offered.

"Seven for seven." Connor stood his ground.

"Nine for seven."

"Seven for seven."
"Eight for seven, I won't go lower." I warned.

"Seven for seven."

"Fine. Seven for seven." I agreed grumpily.

Connor beamed and we exchanged, Snickers for Reese's. I tore one open, taking a bite and savoring the taste. Connor was far more aggressive in his approach, eating two of the smaller peanut butter cups in one bite. Boys. The two of us sat in silence except for the faint sounds of Easy Life, wolfing down chocolate.

"You've got a lil something." Connor pointed to the corner of my lip. Dumbly, I tried to look down and see what he was gesturing too, making him laugh. He grabbed my finger, dragging it over to where the spot of chocolate was. "Here—no, a little to the left—okay, there!"

"Thanks." I blushed. Connor smiled kindly at me. I looked at the time: 11:02pm. "I should probably get going, I told my parents I wouldn't be home too late." I said, feeling almost sad. Originally the plan had been to sleepover at Mary's, like we always did. This year, though, we'd all made other plans. Mary was going over to Harley's, Ria had to be home to babysit her brother in the morning, Frankie's parents had given her a new curfew, and Julia had planned to just float around.

"Oh. Yeah." Connor looked crestfallen. My best guess was that he'd expected something else to happen. After growing up on romance novels, I knew he'd anticipated some romantic gesture, maybe a kiss on the cheek or some flirty giggle. Or maybe an actual kiss. But I'd only just met him, hell, I still barely knew him. And I wanted my first kiss to be special.

Of course I'd kissed people before. Just not a boy. Frankie had been my first kiss; we'd all been sitting around late at night and declared we needed to practice before any of us got a boyfriend. Frankie, who'd been declared kissing expert (due to her short lived middle school relationship) had done her best to teach us all what to do. It had been so awkward, we'd all agreed to never speak of it again.

"Uh, what's your address?" Connor asked, and I helped him plug it in to his GPS. I felt a little bad, but I reminded myself that it wasn't my fault I didn't want to rush things. He couldn't just expect me to fall in love with him on the spot. That only happened in movies.

We spent the majority of the ride home in a comfortable silence. Once we arrived at my house, I'd thanked Connor for everything, told him to text me, and hugged him as a form of goodbye. He seemed satisfied with that, waiting for me to unlock the door and waving at me though the car window after I finally slipped inside. He was definitely a gentleman.

My dad was waiting for me inside. I kicked off my shoes and socks, throwing them down next to the door. He was sitting on the couch, the TV playing some old horror movie. He glanced over at me, nodding hello. I'd sobered up by then, so I smiled and walked over.

"Who took you home?" My dad asked, tossing me one of the blankets from behind the couch. I let the soft fabric envelop me, welcoming the comfort. I hadn't realized how cold I'd been from walking around in a short and basically sleeveless dress.

"Mary dropped me off." I lied easily. That had been the original idea, I'd planned to ask her for a ride home. And I wasn't about to admit to my father that I'd hung out with a random boy from school for the majority of the night. My dad seemed content with my answer, turning his attention back to the TV screen, where some kid with a mullet screamed.

From inside my purse, buried under a large amount of Halloween candy, my phone chimed. I dug it out, a smile lighting up my face when I saw that Connor had texted me.

"'Night dad," I said, excusing myself to go upstairs. Practically running to my room, I changed from my costume to my pajamas, heading to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I returned to my room, sat down on the bed, plugged my phone in, and slipped under the covers.

You left one of your Snickers on the seat. At this I laughed, going through my purse to see that it was true. I counted five snickers, and I'd only eaten one, deciding to save the rest for later.

Guess you'll just have to give it to me later.

Tomorrow? Connor texted back fast. I hoped he wasn't driving still. Tomorrow was a Thursday. I'd see him at school.

Tomorrow :)