a guide to letting go

by: everyone who has had their heart broken by friends

step one: let go of them.

It will hurt. I'm not going to say it won't, because it will. Letting go is made out to be something liberating, something relieving, but the truth is that that only comes after. 

After all, you can't expect your body to heal immediately when it's had a part ripped out from it. 

You've spent so long clinging to them, chasing after something that turned out to be nothing but wishful thinking, stumbling over yourself in your haste to prove yourself worthy. You've unknowingly attached yourself to them, the chains made out of your skin and your blood and your breath, and snapping the only bond you have seems unfathomable to you at the moment.

But no matter how scary it seems, you can do it.

When you first do it, you will feel like you're dying. You'll feel like all the breath has been snatched from your lungs, all your organs have failed to function, all your systems are shutting down. That's how important they are to you.

That's how important they were to you.

You'll think back, wondering if you made the wrong decision, wondering if it would have been better had you held on a little tighter.

Let me tell you - it wouldn't have been.

You would have just sunk further and deeper and faster into the sludge of misery, wondering why you were always left behind, wondering what you did wrong, wondering if you were worth it. 

Friends should not make you feel like that.

Friends should never make you feel like that.

And that's why you leave. You leave, not because you're giving up, but because you're strong enough to admit that okay, I can't do this anymore. It's not healthy for me. 

You leave, and you will heal with time. You will find others better, others who you feel like you can blend in seamlessly with.

It will still hurt, of course, when you see them without you, as if you were never of one body with them.

But in the larger scheme of things, that won't matter anymore.

You don't forget, but you forgive. You move on, you stay strong, you keep growing. You heal. You do things that empower you, not pull you down. You keep building yourself up, excruciating brick by excruciating brick, and work on healing your scars.

You let go of them, and you find your own happiness. 

step two: let go of your memories.

Some days, the pain will come back.

It will attack you suddenly, unpredictably, out of nowhere. In the morning, in the middle of the day, in the bathroom, during lesson. And you won't be able to do anything about it, because it hurts too much.

You will remember how they cut you down.

You will remember how worthless and insignificant you felt.

You will remember how you bit down your pain and smiled anyway.

And involuntarily, you will look over at them, and it will hurt even more because they seem so happy without you. They seem happier without you. 

The memories will come flooding back without mercy, like a dam opening.

You'll feel nudged out of conversations, nudged out of activities, nudged out of their lives, anytime you try to take a step towards normalcy with them.

So you avoid them, and you cry in the shower silently, tears weighing down your eyelashes and water weighing down your hair.

Heavy enough that your neck could snap. 

The loneliness sits on your tongue, sour, staring back at you mockingly as you sit on the train alone, as you sit at lunch alone, as you are alone. 

But memories are just memories, and they can be let go of. 

Instead of remembering the hurt, remember the happiness. Remember the inside jokes you had, the way you doubled over laughing until your stomach hurt, the gossip and playful teasing that was had.

And you will forgive them for the hurt, solely because of the happiness.

You will stop looking at them, stop wondering what they're doing, stop feeling jealous and hurt.

You will forgive, and you will let go of the memories.

step three: let go of your feelings.

Cry.

That's all you have to do.

Cry, and vent, and let it all out.

Your body is a vessel, and you can't keep everything bottled up within you.

The stress is too much, even for someone as resilient as you. 

Release your worries in your breath as you run mindlessly, working towards the goal of 2 kilometres.

Release your hurt in your tears as you allow hot water to run across your body, bringing life back to once parched deserts.

Release your grief in your words, your art, your colours, as your pen runs untamed across the paper.

Do whatever it takes to let it out.

Even if you have no one, you will be there for yourself.

Your body is a temple, and it deserves to be worshipped.

Scream and cry and beat your pillows, let all the toxins exit your body in a rush.

Do it over and over and over and over again until you're empty and exhausted, but happy. 

That's the most important thing of all.

Your ultimate goal is always, always happiness.

Let go of your feelings, and replace them with something better. Something you deserve.

step four: let go of your doubts.

You will find yourself questioning the sincerity of those around you.

You will overthink everything, overanalyse everything, work yourself to the brink of tears with all the horrid information you're receiving.

But the thing is, none of that is true.

It's you telling that to yourself.

It's you telling yourself that you are not enough.

It's you telling yourself that you are not worth it.

It's you telling yourself all the bad things, the mean things, the poisonous things.

Because you doubt yourself, and in turn, you doubt those around you.

Your walls are up so high because everytime you let them down, someone takes the chance to shove a spear through your heart.

And that's not your fault.

It's not your fault that you are wary.

It's not your fault that you are paranoid.

It's not your fault, and neither is it anyone else's fault.

Blame, victimisation, all of it is useless.

All it does is send your mind into another flurry of confusion and anxiety.

So all you can do is trust.

I know it's not easy to trust, not after all that has been done to you.

But you need to trust yourself, and trust that you are worth it. There is nothing more important than putting trust in yourself, because at the end of the day, you belong to yourself.

Trust yourself, and in turn, let go of all your doubts. 

step five: let yourself heal. 

At the end of the day, the message of this is simple: love yourself. 

No matter what past hurts you've experienced, no matter what's happened, you should always love yourself.

You should love every single part of you, be it flawed or beautiful, and take pride in everything you've done, be it a loss or an achievement. 

You are strong, and you are gorgeous. You are colours blazing high into the sky, spilling beauty into everything you see. You are limitless, soaring above and beyond the barriers of time and space. You are you, uniquely you, and there is nothing in the world that can snuff your fire.

Forests never stay barren, and that is the same for you. It will take time, it will be painful, but you will grow again. Your breath will be the battlecry of animals seeking freedom, your skin will the soil from which trees spring defiantly forth, your blood will be the waters that revive even the collapsed and broken. Your hair will be woven from flowers and vines, the raw beauty of something that cannot be replicated by man. 

You will stand strong, pulling yourself up time and time again to press on forward. You will allow your love for yourself burst forth, blinding all those who try to drag you down. You will fling the hurt, the pain, the anxiety, the inferiority behind you, crushing them underfoot, and move on. 

You will let go of it all, and let yourself heal as you deserve. 

fin.

marking an end to your misery, and marking the beginning of something better.

you can do it.