pairing: mika x yuu (owari no seraph)
category: angst, romance
playlist:

evanescence- bring me to life

joel faviere- if you knew

skillet- hero

hatsune miku- self-inflicted achromatic

warnings: suicide, mentions of self-harm

disclaimer: owari no seraph does not belong to me, i only own the plot of this story

highschool! au 

(mika-centric)

in which mika wishes with his dying breath, and yuu doesn't realise until it's too late

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  He feels like he's suffocating.

  It feels like there's a coil of rope viciously twisted around his neck, tightening, tightening, tightening. He's gasping for air, eyes wide in fear and desperation, and he wants to scream, but all that comes out is this strangled, pathetic cry that barely even leaves his lips before dissipating. 

  He reaches out, hands grasping at nothing, hoping that someone, anyone will help him. But he's always reaching out into darkness, always pulling away with empty hands, always feeling nothing but frigid wind against his bruised skin. 

  He feels alone, so utterly alone, and the loneliness is winding its way around his neck and squeezing. He's choking on it, thoughts ranging from I don't want this to just let me die already running through his head like a series of advertisements flashed across a screen in bold stencil. They're blaring red, like the lights on an ambulance, just like the words he fights so hard to block from his mind. But they blare red, scarlet red, and he's reminded of the colours that used to leak from the wounds criss-crossing his wrists. He doesn't do it anymore- but he can still feel their thrumming, like second, third, tens of heartbeats fighting to break from his skin. 

  He wants nothing more than to finally let air into his lungs, to forget the burden of expectations, the pain of peer pressure, the isolation of being excluded and ignored, the crushing weight of all his emotions that crush him like a rock and strangle him like a snake. 

  But he can't. And that's what hurts the most, the emptiness in his chest where there used to be a heart, the yawning abyss where he once felt positive emotions like joy, pride, surprise and freedom. It's as if he wants to fly, but he can't, because there are chains and ropes and restraints and people holding him back, keeping him from soaring into the clouds and breathing fresh, fresh air. 

  He knows he's human. He knows he is, he has a heartbeat, he has a brain, he can walk, he can talk, he can feel, he can do everything humans can do. Yet, he doesn't feel human, he feels like he's detached from himself, feels like no matter what happens he's numbed to it. He's annoying? Okay. He's a show-off? Okay. He's too rule-abiding? Okay. All he can do is absorb the impact and let its poison spread through him, but he can't feel. 

  The people in school see him as the charismatic, perfect student president.

  His parents see him as a failure.

  His friends think of him as nothing but a tool. 

  But despite all that, he smiles, a hard smile that holds only detached amusement. His eyes are cold, glazed over with the glass that prevents him from understanding the rest of the world, and prevents the rest of the world from understanding him. He carries that smile with him like it's the only thing keeping him alive, fighting back the tremble in his lips and fighting back the raw emotions that threaten to spill out of his eyes. 

  When his parents lash out at him, calling him useless and not good enough and deserving of chastisement, he smiles. 

  When his friends leave him in the dust, laughing and chatting among themselves as they walk away, he smiles.

  When people greet him in the hallways with a mixture of fear and awe, he smiles.

  He smiles because the world is so hilarious in how cruel it is, and really, isn't it enough to see him crumpled on the bathroom floor with his soul and his humanity trickling out of him and staining the white tile?

  The only reason why he stays, the only reason why he lies with his eyes to the ceiling and his heart thumping painfully in his chest, is Yuu. The only reason why he stitches back his mind with false reassurances and false dismissals, is Yuu. The only reason why he still has a heartbeat, is Yuu. 

  The only reason why he hasn't ended everything is Yuu.

  Yuu, who has the most beautiful green eyes that sparkle with a fire unique only to him. Yuu, who's feisty and quirky and always looking out for Mika. Yuu, who always brightens Mika's day with his infectious grin and sarcastic quips and hot-headed bravado.

  Yuu, who is Mika's everything. 

  With Yuu, Mika feels his entire soul lift, and his heart thumps with something that isn't pain. His eyes shine, the glass falling away to reveal fragile crystal eyes that glow with emotion and pure vigour. He smiles, a smile that seems to carry every bit of Mika's being, a smile that isn't guarded, a smile that speaks of happiness and everything other than the despondence gnawing at him. 

  With Yuu, Mika feels like he can breathe. He doesn't have to worry about his insincere friends, doesn't have to worry about his messed-up family, doesn't have to worry about keeping up appearances. He can be as weird, as loud, as affectionate as he wants to. He can reveal his deepest fears, his deepest secrets, and give his whole heart to him. And Yuu doesn't judge, just envelops Mika in a giant bear hug that seems to stretch on to forever as he cries into Yuu's shirt. 

  With Yuu, his walls shatter and Mika feels free for once.

  But then, all good things come to an end.

  Mika had planned to confess that day. He brings a rose, with its stem neatly trimmed and its petals open in vivid scarlet. He plans to tell Yuu on the rooftop, with the breeze surrounding them and the world under their feet. 

  He meets Yuu on the rooftop, as requested. Yuu had also said that he had something to tell him.

  But when he goes up, his heart beating at a hundred miles a minute, he stops short the moment he sees Yuu. The rose falls from his fingers, a single petal detaching itself from its kin as it lands.

  He feels his heart cracking, splitting into tiny tiny pieces for the final time. He's holding back tears, holding back the rush of emotions that threaten to swallow him forever. His heart is pounding almost unbearably loudly in his ears, and Mika clenches his fists, trying trying trying  not to cry. 

  He stands as still as a statue, his eyes blank and devoid of emotion as Yuu speaks. Everything feels as if it's on mute, or he's underwater. He watches detachedly as Yuu's eyes sparkle with the fire he thought was reserved only for him, watches detachedly as Yuu slings an arm around the purple-haired girl's shoulders, watches detachedly as he hears the news that finally sends him over the edge.

  "Mika, this is my girlfriend, Shinoa! Shinoa, this is Mika, my best friend in the whole world!"

  Girlfriend.

  Girlfriend.

  Girlfriend.

  He's nothing more than Yuu's best friend, Mika thinks bitterly as he walks forward and hugs Yuu. The hug is desperate, sad, and Mika clings on for a moment longer, breathing in the scent of the only person he's ever loved. He mutters a quiet congratulations, before turning around and walking away as tears begin to spill down his cheeks and he smiles, a bitter, hopeless smile. He hears Yuu calling after him in confusion, but he continues walking.

  He crushes the rose under his foot as he slams the door shut behind him.

  And that night, as Mika stands with his hands clutching the rope so tightly his knuckles turn white and the chafing rope separating his head from his body, he thinks back on everything. He thinks about how he can finally be the true failure his parents call him, thinks about how his friends will finally shake off the burden he is, thinks about, most of all, Yuu.

  Beautiful, amazing Yuu who is his world. Was his world. And his world is gone, gone gone gone gone gone from him. He has nothing to live for. Not anymore.

  He lets go of the noose.

  And Mika's laughing, a bright, relieved sound that flows out of his mouth like water gushing out from a cracked dam. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and lets his chained soul free into the dark unknown.

  And as he laughs, his dying wish comes out as a sob and his words echo into the abyss: I wish Yuu-chan happiness.