pairing: tobias x tris (divergent)

category: angst, romance

playlist:

hedley- perfect

red- part that's holding on

the script- superheroes

mayday parade- terrible things

the band perry- if i die young

warnings: none

disclaimer: divergent does not belong to me, i only own the plot of this story

highschool! au [poet! tris]

(dialogue fic for the most part)

in which she remembers, and he doesn't

================================================================================

  "Hey Tobias. I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, I got caught up with some homework and, well, you know how Miss Green gets! Speaking of which, I think she hates me. Just the other day, she made me stay back to clean the classroom just because she was 'displeased with my attitude'. I mean, I wasn't even being rude, I barely say anything in class as it is. God, I wish you'd been there to see it! It was so ridiculous, I think the whole class was indignant on my behalf too."

  "Anyway, enough about me. How are you? I know, I know, stupid question- but hey, formalities, right? God, what am I even talking about, we've known each other for years, I shouldn't feel this awkward! I guess it's just how I am. Wait, why am I saying all this? You know this already, what am I rambling for?"

  "Sorry, sorry. I've gone completely off topic. It's just, I really miss you, you know? All anyone ever does is give me weird looks and I just don't feel like I click with anyone besides you. It's so nice to be able to talk to you like this- without anyone else to stare or judge. Just me and you, like how it used to be."

  "Remember last year? When we went to Paris on that school trip? I still remember how you spilled hot chocolate all over yourself, and how mad the teacher was. Of course, you being you, you weren't embarrassed at all, you just winked at me and told me to help you clean up afterwards. Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was? I had to endure so much teasing after that. Not that I minded, much, except that she was so angry with me."

  "But, in all honesty, it hurt every time I saw you with her. It felt like you were forgetting me, replacing me with someone better. And it didn't helped that she always sought ways to make me mess up in front of everybody. God, that feeling of having everyone's eyes boring into your back, hearing the cruel snickers of people as they laugh at your expense- it hurts so much. And the worst part was, you didn't do anything to stop it. I guess that was why I began slowly drifting from you. And I regret it so much, Tobias, don't ever think a day passes where I don't regret holding onto you tighter. I guess I thought it would be better for me, for us, if I just left you guys alone instead of trying to smother you. I won't deny that I did it mostly for me. I'm a selfish person, Tobias, but you should know that I'm selfish only when it comes to you."

  "All that time, I guess I just felt so insignificant. Irrelevant. Like all our years of friendship didn't matter anymore, like I had been tossed aside just for her. I felt like I was slowly fading into the background, like I was no longer important nor a priority. I felt so hurt, and I wanted to hurt you back. It was cruel of me, and I knew that you were upset when I would see that troubled look clouding your eyes every time our gazes met. But I still did it anyway, still pushed you away, because I wanted to protect myself and grant you what I thought was happiness. I was wrong, Tobias, so wrong. And I regret it so much, I regret not being there for you when you were breaking. I guess I was the one ruining everything, not you. It was my insecurities and pettiness and selfishness that eventually lead to the culmination of, well, everything."

  "I still remember when we fought. It was so loud, and I couldn't stand it. I could hear your words echoing in my head and it hurt so much to see that frustration, that pain, that hurt in your eyes. I didn't know what to do. Tobias, please believe me when I say that I didn't mean a word I said. And please believe that if I could rewind time, I wouldn't have said anything at all, I wouldn't have let i hate you be my last words to you. I'm sorry, Tobias, I'm so unbelievably sorry."

  At that, Tris let out a sob, and glittering tears ran down her face. When she laughed, it was bitter, a harsh mockery of how cruel the world was.

  "I miss you so much, Tobias. I wish I had been the one who was knocked down by that car, I wish I'm the one lying six feet under now. You're too selfless, too amazing, too perfect to be gone. I miss you so much, Tobias. You didn't deserve death, especially not because of me. I hit you, I told you I hated you, but you still pushed me out of the way. Why? I don't deserve you, Tobias, I don't deserve this life. I wish- I wish I was the one dead instead."

  "And, I never told you this, ever, but I love you. I love you so much, Tobias. I know you'll never hear this, I know I'll never see your smile, never hear your laugh, never feel your warm touch- but I love you. I love you to infinity and beyond, I love you I love you I love you. I know that no matter what I say, I can't bring you back. But I hope that, wherever you are, you're happy."

  With a bittersweet smile, she knelt down to place a gentle kiss on the gravestone, before settling ruby red roses onto the ground. The wind was frigid, just like it had been all those years back when she met him. But this time, there was no warm hand in hers. There was just her, alone in the freezing winter, alone under the dead arms of a tree, and alone with only her regrets to accompany her.

  As she walked away, some snow fell from a tree branch onto her head, and she laughed, tears glimmering once more in her eyes and tear tracks streaking her skin. 

  "Well, you got me again, Tobias."

[cold

by tris prior

i stood under the flurry of snowflakes

my eyes cast to the ground

and i remembered

i remembered a smile

a laugh

a touch

a person who brought warmth in the everlasting winter

but as i stumbled through the fog ahead

i realised that all i felt

was a mind-numbing cold]