Written 2/16/16

Kellin.

We laid in his bed side by side, our limbs still tangled together in the cream sheets, pale skin mixing with brown in the most flawless way, we looked at each other like the past year hadn't happened, like I never left, like we still loved each other. Well, he looked at me like he still loved me. And that killed me.

He softly placed his hand on my cheek and I had to close my eyes, embracing the warmth that his touch send down my body. He caressed my skin and I could feel myself starting to blush. He chuckled.

"You haven't changed a thing." He said and I opened my eyes to see him smiling softly at me. I didn't have the heart to return that smile, though. He couldn't be more wrong about that statement.

I put my hand over his and caressed his skin just like I used to do before everything happened. Maybe this is where I truly belong, right here in Vic's arms. Maybe Vic is it for me. Maybe...

"I'm so glad you're back." He whispered, looking deeply into my eyes and in that moment what we did finally downed on me, and I had to look away from him to hide all the guilt that started filling me. 

Shit, most of the time I don't know why I do the things I do, but this right here, this is the biggest proof of that.

"Kell," he started again and at the sound of his voice saying that nickname again I had to remove his hand from my face and sit up. I know that by doing that I had hurt him again in the worst kind of way. I tried to drown this feeling though, and I scanned the room in search for my clothes. I had to go, I had to get out of here.

I found my boxers on the floor by my side and picked them up quickly to put them on and get out of the bed. Vic kept repeating my name but I kept ignoring him.

I didn't even know what to feel, or how to feel. All my brain could think of was why, why, why and I couldn't shut it up. Stop thinking, Kellin. Stop thinking. Just put on your damn clothes back on and leave.

I walked around the room and found my sweater and my jeans on the floor. And I tried really hard not to think about the circumstances that led them ending up there. I put them on avoiding looking at Vic who was now sitting on the bed.

"Kellin!" He yelled and I finally snapped my head in his direction. I couldn't describe the look on his face. It was a mixture of sadness, confusion and... disappointment. I tried to hold back my tears.

How could I do this to him? How could I do this to myself? He's too good for this world, he deserves to be happy. He's got a heart made of gold, but instead he's hung up on me. What do I have that he can't let me go. And why do I keep coming back to him? I thought I was over him, but I don't think I could ever be. The hard truth is that I still love him. Despite everything that happened, I do. I love him. And I want him, and only him.

But I can't do this.

It would've been so easy to throw myself at him and kiss him to erase the sadness from his face and make the happiness return. But I didn't. I couldn't. So I said the most stupid thing I could have ever said.

"I'm," I felt like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. "Vic I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry." I had to blink back tears. I can't believe I'm doing this again. "This was all a mistake." I ran out the room as my tears fell.

I could hear him yelling my name again and again but I couldn't bring myself to stop walking. I was halfway down the stairs when he grabbed my wrist, stopping me from going further.

"Please let me go." My voice barely audible. Not even I believed myself.

"Kellin what the fuck is going on?!" His own voice was strained. I didn't reply. He let go of my wrist and I went to keep walking the steps but he blocked my way.

"You think this is okay?! You think you can just come here like nothing happened, like we hadn't fucking seen each other in a fucking year, then fucking take me to bed only for you to leave again like it was nothing?!" I was full on crying because all he said was right. I was such a fuck up. "Why are you you doing this?" Again, no reply.

"Kellin!"

I finally looked at him. There were tears running down his cheeks and I wanted so badly to reach out and dry them. I wanted to make everything right again. But how to know if what you think is right, is actually okay?

"Vic, I can't do this." I said but it came out strayed. God, I hate crying.

Vic chuckled, but it was filled with bitterness. "No Kellin," he said taking a deep breath. "You don't get to say that. You don't get to play with me like this, alright. This is not how it is." Yes. I know. You hate me now, good. Maybe that's what I wanted in the first place. "You don't get to do this to me again." His voice faltered as he started crying. My heart hurt so much I actually felt like I was dying.

"Why, why are you doing this?" He asked again. I still didn't reply. I couldn't even answer that to myself. "Say something please, anything!"

"I can't," I sobbed pathetically and covered my eyes with my hands.

"You have to do better that that Kellin-"

"I can't do this Vic, I'm getting married." I interrupted him before he said anything else. And my heart felt like sinking to the ground. I dropped my head and let the tears fall.

"I'm getting married..." I repeated in a whisper, mostly to myself. My stomach was churning at the thought. I'd just betrayed the person I was ready to spend the rest of my life with in the worst way possible. I was a terrible human being.

I sat down on the stairs in defeat. And cried like never before. I didn't want to see the expression on Vic's face. I felt him sitting down beside me and shook my head.

"I'm so sorry," I said as I made a failing attempt to dry my tears because they wouldn't stop coming.

At least a minute passed between us in silence.

"Kellin, what gives? How the hell are you getting married? To who?"

I couldn't figure out if he was angry or sad or a mixture of both. I just wanted to get out of his place.

"That doesn't matter," I said a bit more calm now as I stood up from the steps.

"Why weren't you wearing a ring?" He continued his questioning following me down the stairs. "How long have you dated this guy? Why did you come here and–"

"I don't think it's any of your business, Vic." I shook my head as I found my shoes by the entrance.

"Oh, excuse me," he scoffed and crossed his arms as he leaned on the wall of his living room. "Well, since we fucked like ten minutes ago, I'd like to think it is my business." I cringed at his use of words and turned back to face him.

"Look," I started. "The reason I came here was to tell you that I was getting married, thought it would be mature of me to let you know I'm moving on with my life and you should too."

"So you came to rub it in my face then?" He was definitely angry and I didn't blame him. And now that I think about it, it was a pretty stupid idea.

"Don't be like that." I said.

"Like what? Like a fucking honest person?"

"Vic I don't want to fight anymore." I sighed, honestly exhausted. "I never thought we'd end up..."

He didn't say anything else.

"I know it was stupid, and I know I should've done it over the phone. But I guess the truth is, I really wanted to see you again." I looked at him, finally coming to terms with myself.

He ignored me completely though, and instead he asked when the wedding was.

"In five days. Sunday morning."

He nodded and gave a scornful smile to the floor. This was killing him as much as it was killing me. But he hadn't asked me what I knew he really wanted to ask. Until he did.

"Do you love him?"

"Of course I do." I replied instantly.

"Do you love him more than you loved me?"

His question felt like an avalanche ripping through my insides. And I think my silence gave it away.

"I have to go," I said instead and headed for the door.

"You can't love him the way you loved me, can you?" He said. God, I wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time. But my choice was already taken. I had made a promise.

"He's a great man alright, and if you think I'll leave him just because of what happened then you're fucking wrong." I turned before opening the front door.

"So you're not going to tell this 'great man' about what just happened?" He asked making air quotes with his hand, my heart beating rapidly.

"I won't ruin my engagement because of one little mistake." I said gritting my teeth. One foot out the door.

And then he said what I already knew way deep down.

"Oh, Kellin. It's already ruined."

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(A/n): well, I certainly live for the dramatics there's no doubt about that and I think now I know now where Maybe in Another Life came from lolol

This is the last one shot from the vault!! I really appreciate everyone who took their time to read :) it makes me happy to see there's still a few Kellic shippers out there and yea, I can't believe I finally put these out in the open, my teenage self is definitely having a fit right now

And btw I will definitely keep writing, so stay tuned for what's to come which will probably be a one shots book inspired by songs 🖤

Have a great day/night wherever you are!

-g