Written 10/19/2014

Kellin.

I remember the first time I saw you was at a coffee shop.

Cliché I know.

It had been raining all day, and I'd just had a very long day at school and all I wanted at that moment was comfort in the form of caffeine and the warm blankets of my bed.

Funny how instead I found you.

It was weird really, I always thought moments like those didn't happen in real life but I swear in that moment, when I looked at you, everything just stopped. And it felt like the world stood still for a second. Everything went quiet and it was like we were the only ones there.

Just you and me.

The way you looked at me left me breathless. Your eyes made me feel something I hadn't felt in a while. And your smile, God that smile reminded me of stars. Millions and millions of stars shining brightly on a hot summer night. And It just felt right.

The way our eyes connected with each other; chocolate brown boring into sea blue, I felt as if you were a long-lost friend from middle school and we just saw each other for the first time in years on the local grocery store.

But I didn't know you, and I'd never seen you before. For some reason I really wanted to.

Now that I think about it, I must have looked so stupid to you back then, I mean, I was staring at you like an idiot when all you did was ask a very simple question.

"Hi, what can I get for you?"

I could've answered right away but I was too lost in your voice. It was the sweetest sound I'd ever listened to and it made my insides get all warm. I wanted you to talk to me all night long.

I remember at that moment I thought I would never get tired of hearing you talk.

Only the cough of a woman standing behind me on the line brought me back from my little fantasy land. I snapped out of my daydream and I heard you laugh a little, causing the blood to rush to my cheeks even faster.

I finally told you my order.

You wrote it down on the cashier, gave me my ticket and I took a step aside ready to pick my coffee and leave as soon as possible (I couldn't take more embarrassment and I wanted to pretend that day had never happened) (I wanted to pretend I never saw you either) (whoever you were)

But you had to forget to ask for my name.

You startled me, again in less than five minutes, and when I looked back to you, you were still smiling, like you were enjoying it or something. And I remember I felt a little hatred for you at that moment. I mean who the fuck did you think you were? I thought you were making fun of me and it ate up at me. But I told you anyways, I really wanted my coffee.

"Kellin." I said simply.

Then I took my phone out of my pocket and pretended to be busy writing something down when you finally called for me. I snapped my head up and took my coffee. I was about to leave when I noticed something else beside my cup.

A cookie box.

"I didn't order cookies." I said, truly confused, but you looked at me again and you had this smirk on your face that could only scream trouble.

"I know," you whispered. "It's on the house." And you winked. Winked. And then turned to take the rest of orders. I remember I stared at the tray in front of me for at least ten seconds until I finally picked both things up and walked outside into the pouring rain.

~

I didn't eat the cookies. I never told you this but I never did. I felt if I ate them I'd give you some sort of control over me or something, even if we didn't even know each other's name (well, you knew mine but you get the point) I didn't want you to win me over. I don't know why. My stubbornness always got the best of me.

So I left them on the back of my fridge behind a six pack of Coke.

And it wasn't until I finished said six pack of Coke (weeks and weeks after) that I realized those cookies were still there.

My first reaction was to sigh and roll my eyes, it had been like a month since I saw you at that coffeeshop and I honestly didn't know what came over me that night. I'd never been one of those insta-love people and I hated the fact that you made me feel like it for ten minutes.

The night I saw you, I couldn't get any sleep. All I could think about was your face, and the fact that I didn't ask for you name (but mine somehow sounded perfect in your smooth voice) and your stupid perfect smile. I felt like a school girl with a crush and I hated it. I am not that kind of person. I don't get crushes.

So I thought the only rational thing to do was erase you from my mind. The next day it was like nothing happened and I went on with my life. And it was working.

Until I got thirsty that night while watching the news.

I remember I stared at the box a little too long. But I couldn't help it, once you got into my mind you just couldn't leave. But with a last groan I finally opened the goddamn thing. Inside I found like twenty little chocolate chip cookies (seriously what else was I expecting) and I guess you didn't know I hated chocolate back then.

(I still do, by the way)

And I remember I started throwing them one by one on my kitchen's trash bin and as I thought of all the children that would have loved to eat those cookies, I didn't notice a little piece of purple paper falling to the ground, just beside my left, shoeless foot.

I glanced down and picked it up. There was something written there in surprisingly nice handwriting.

And I couldn't help but laugh out loud because really? As if your phone number and a "Hope you enjoy this little treat. Call me x -Vic" was at any point going to get me swooning over you. Christ people are hilarious. But at least I finally knew your name and I remember thinking it would be really hard to get you out of my head that easily again.

I didn't throw away the paper though, instead I folded it and saved it on my wallet.

That night I fell asleep thinking of you.  And tasting your name into my mouth.

Vic.

  ~

"So, what's new on Kellin's life?" were the first words Jenna said to me when we met at our favorite bar, right after she returned from her trip to England. I hadn't seen her in five months yet the only thing she seemed to be interested in was my life.

"Um.. Nothing really." I said honestly, because there was really nothing new in my life. Of course there was you, but it didn't count much since we quite literally never saw each other again and a lot of time had passed since our five minute encounter at that coffeeshop. (God, I make it sound like such a big deal when it actually wasn't. At all.)

Anyway, I remember she kept asking if I was seeing someone new and I of course told her I wasn't. And it's not like I got a new boyfriend every week either but for some reason she didn't believe me. I was not going to tell her about you though, because that would have made it official. And I did not have a crush on you. (I only saw you for five minutes for crying out loud!)

Anyways, we had our lunch and Jenna told me everything about her trip. She told me about all the people she met and all the photos she took and all the places she visited there.

And long story short she started dating a guy she met on the plane. Yes, the plane. On her way to England.

Yeah. I know.

His name was Michael. And I remember I had no idea what to even feel, because you don't hear that kind of stories everyday. And she kept going on about how he was the most amazing guy she had ever met and how wonderful he treated her and all the cute little things they did in England.

Literally everything they did in England.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy for her, really. And he really sounded like a nice guy too. But come on. Starting something with a person you just met five minutes ago didn't sound that amazing to me.

She showed me pictures of him on her phone. He looked familiar for some reason but I couldn't quite tell why. He looked.. okay I guess, a little bad-boy kinda looking with all his tattoos and piercings, but I guess that was Jenna's type.

And the tiny spark that suddenly appeared on her eyes while seeing pictures of him on her phone and the way her smile looked brighter than ever while talking about him and the fact that she looked just like those Disney princesses on the movies when they're about to marry the prince, made me realize something.

She was in love.

She was deeply and truly in love with this Michael person.

And I remember I swore to myself that day if he ever hurt my best friend even the tiniest bit I would end him, even if it was the last thing I did.

(And I also hoped I would never, ever start to feel like that for someone in my life.)

(Ha, good joke.)

  ~

I remember I thought about you all the time.

When I woke up in the morning wondering how would it be to wake up with you by my side, at night when I was alone in bed ready to pass out from being so tired, while making dinner and breakfast, while I bought the groceries on the weekends, while I sang in the shower, when I hung out with Jenna at some mall, when I finally met Michael, while I played video games, while I was in class, while I read, specially whenever I bought coffee, all I could focus on was you.

I was so infatuated by you, it was starting to mess with my head.

(And I can't believe I'm telling you all of this right now, but she said it'd do me good to write our story down somewhere. I don't know why, it's only making it worse.)

Anyway, my wallet had been burning holes in my pockets everyday for three months because of your stupid purple note and I was getting sick of it. But still I refused to call you.

And I had three reasons:

1) It would be extremely weird since it'd been a long time.

2) I didn't even know what to say.

3) I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of winning me over a cookie box.

So I remember one day after class I finally decided I'd had enough. I couldn't go on living my life just thinking about you. I had to erase you completely from my mind. And I knew exactly how.

I remember I walked to the nearest trash bin of my faculty and took my wallet out of my back pocket. I looked at your purple note, now wrinkled and almost torn apart and chuckled to myself. Seriously, what were you thinking?

I was just about to throw it in the bin when suddenly my phone rang inside my messenger bag. I groaned and took it out only to see it was Jenna. I sighed and picked up, only for her to yell at me that there was an emergency and I needed to get to her house as fast as possible. That startled me, what the hell was happening? Of course I told her I was already on my way and hung up.

And maybe it was a sign from some power up above, destiny, life, karma or something telling me I shouldn't forget you, that I shouldn't throw your note to the trash.

But I didn't fucking believe in those things.

So with a last sigh, I folded the paper into two and teared it apart. Then I threw it in the bin and ran to Jenna's house. 

  ~

I honestly didn't know what to expect when I reached Jen's place but it definitely wasn't what I saw when I entered the door. She was with Michael, and they weren't exactly chatting if you know what I mean.

Such emergency she had.

They broke apart when they noticed me on the door and Jenna literally squealed when her eyes landed on me. She got up the couch, Michael following behind, and hugged me. But it was one of our special hugs. The ones we only gave each other when something extremely amazing happened to either of us. Oh, no.

I pretended I didn't know what was going on but I already knew what her emergency was all about.

She put her hands on my shoulders and with the brightest smile on her face she said: "Kell, Mike and I have some big news to share with you!" And then she said what I already knew she'd say:

"We're getting married!!"

Yeah they confirming it didn't make me feel better. And don't get me wrong, I love Jenna and I was so happy for her and also Mike seemed like the best match for her but going as far as getting married after only six months of knowing each other was.. a little too much. Plus they were just too young, Jenna hadn't even finished college and I didn't even know about Mike and I'd hate to see my best friend ruining her life like that and- okay I'm getting off topic. Anyway, of course I didn't tell Jenna what I was thinking because it'd only cause trouble and it would break her heart to hear those things from her best friend, so swallowing all my bitter opinions about her sudden engagement I put on my best fake smile and congratulated her the best I could.

I even bro-hugged Mike and welcomed him to our little family making him laugh, reminding me of when I first met him when I literally introduced myself like "Hi I'm Kellin, I'm gay." It seemed like everything I said made him laugh and I was okay with that.

I offered the betrothed couple to go out to get dinner somewhere in celebration but Mike told me they were also waiting for his brother to go to a bar and celebrate.

And that's how it all started.

While we waited for Mike's infamous brother to arrive, Jenna told me everything about how Mike proposed. How he took her to the beach where they walked among a path made up off thousands of candles (courtesy of the brother) and how when they reached the center of the beach, he got on one knee and told her he loved her with everything he had and that he would like to spend the rest of his life with her. Jenna of course cried her eyes out and accepted.

She was so happy.

And it was then that I understood that as bad as I thought getting married at 22 would be, it didn't concern me. At all. She was old enough to take her own decisions and all I could do was be by her side through everything and just be her best friend.

So I hugged her, a real, tight, full of love hug and wished her all the best and she told me that as her best friend I would be her maid of honor (and I didn't even care that I was the token gay best friend for a second.)

I was happy if she was happy.

The doorbell ringing interrupted our sappy little moment and I offered to go open it.

I remember I said, "hey you must be Mike's–" and I guess you know what happened next.

We stared at each other just like we did that night months ago, same hair, same brown eyes, same charming smile (that I swear lit up right then in front of my eyes.)

I tried to do something, say something other than looking like a fucking idiot (again) but I was frozen in place. It was until Mike interrupted us that I reacted.

"Hey what took you so long, bro!" He said behind me but I still hadn't taken my eyes off of you. 

You looked at me one more time and then gave me a smirk and chuckled.

"You try picking up a thousand candles on the beach by your own, man." You joked and hugged your brother nonetheless.

I could have killed to know what was going through your head.

"Where's your bride to be?" you asked completely ignoring me and entering the house.

Okay, the night at the coffeeshop I kind of got the vibe that you were a cocky asshole but that right then, told me all I needed to know. And trust me, I was more of a cocky asshole than you.

I didn't know what you're intentions were with that purple note but I wasn't going to let it get to me. I had thrown it out like half an hour ago anyway.

When Jenna stood up to greet you, you bent down and kissed her hand and I remember you told her something about her becoming your sister or something like that and I rolled my eyes at you but honestly my head was going insane and everything after that is kind of a blur. And then Jenna decided to introduce us.

"Vic this Kellin, my best friend!" Jenna told you a tad bit happier that she should've. "Kellin, this is Vic, Mike's brother."

You smiled at me and nodded but I could see right behind it. I kinda knew what you were thinking.

"Kellin. That's a beautiful name." You stretched your hand for me to shake. "Think I've heard it before."

I took your hand despite everything. "Ha. No. I don't think you have."

You just smirked and I tried my best to keep my cool.

"You guys are going to be the respective best man and maid of honor at the wedding! Isn't that exciting?" Jenna beamed, completely ignoring the smoke coming out my ears.

"Yeah... super exciting." I said giving you my most fake smile and taking my hand back.

"Can't barely wait." You kept giving me this knowing smile and I almost, almost blushed but I at least could control myself a bit.

"What are we waiting for?? Let's go drink!!!" Mike shouted interrupting our little staring competition. He hugged Jenna by the shoulders and took her out the door and we had to follow suit.

"After you," you said to me and I held back an eye roll walking through the door anyway, thinking this was going to be hell.

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(A/n): yes, I literally left it at that and I have no idea how I wanted to continue this story but now I feel like I really want to continue this story but I'm sure I won't, but like ????? The tension was real and they barely interacted😂. Idk maybe I will pick this one back up without the remembering bit someday, idk idk. Also the angst??? What was I going through to write like this omg???

But hey thank you for reading and voting on this mess ily all, I'll see you in the next one (which will be super short may I add). Sending you lots of love wherever you are!!

- g