At last, we are about to graduate from high school. Siwan and I are also rooting for our 5th monthsary. But I don’t expect all of us to change. Siwan is a bit busy with school activities. I understand because he is a salutatorian. Not once, I never thought I should be jealous of that thing. It is also for his future or if God’s will, it is also for the two of us.

One night, I was about to go to sleep but suddenly I heard the sound of my cell phone. I moved up. I wish I had kept it silent because mama might hear. He even forbade me to not use my phone.

"Siwan?" I began.

"Miss you. Sorry if I'm busy and I can't text huh? Let's meet tomorrow at the amusement park again, ” he said, which suddenly lifted my heart. I miss him so much and I really want to see him. If he only knew.

"Yes I will come. Just text what time. I can't spend the night, ”I whispered back. As I mentioned earlier, mama will chide me once she hears me talking to someone. Even though I had my own room, her sense of hearing was sharp and she suddenly entered the room without warning.

"I think all of you are asleep so you seem to be whispering." I even heard him giggle softly in my ear.

“Of course not. But you know I'm ready when— ”

“Yes, Michie. I'm sorry, let me introduce myself to your parents, at the right time. I will promise them that I will not harm you. ” The butterfly seemed to fly into my muscles again. I'm so in love with Siwan, maybe if there were no limits to everything, I might have married him.

I smile every day because of him. I like this feeling, he’s the only one who solves my problem.

"Go ahead. I hope you can do that. Sleep. Good night! ”

"I love you!"

I gasped again. When he says the three words that I consider magic words, I have to give them back to him.

"Michie, just answer that, I'll take it down." There was a pleading in her voice.

"Alright. I love you too. Good night. ” I whispered those words but deep in my heart, I want to shout at the top of my lungs. I want to spread to the public how much I love Siwan.

"Goodnight too."

The call also ended but my excitement, I don't think it will end yet.

I did not sleep well. I think I’ll wear it right away and I should look good in front of her tomorrow.

And the time has come for us to meet. I sat in front of the seat where I was waiting for him at the fair. I was so nervous for an unknown reason. I was just nervous while waiting.

It took two hours, Siwan was past the agreed time. He didn't reply to my text so I called. His number is out of reach.

That's why I'm nervous, there's a possibility that he won't show up. Abundant tears began to trickle down my eyes. This is the first time Siwan has let me down. And along with my tears was the pouring rain.

Siwan is my first love but I don't think he is also my first heartbreak. The faster we become, the faster our relationship will end.

***

Present day, I was doing this hard job routine. I'm going to meet my boss's client. We have things to talk about for him to sign a contract. I'm disgusted, I shouldn't be working on this thing. My communication skills are weak and I just made a mistake now, I'm done with work and I have to put away my belongings.

"Yes Ma'am I'm on the way," I said on the other line. My boss was very anxious and restless, he said I should arrive on time, he didn't want to wait for his client.

So annoying, she has a car but I'm really the one she ordered me to meet her client.

I quickly got off the bus and I no longer cared about the strength of the rain. In my haste, I slipped and fell to the ground.

I didn’t get up right away, not because of the pain of the fall but because of my resentment towards everyone including my boss. I was dumbfounded while still lying down and I knew I was crying again.

Whenever it rains, a lot of flashbacks come back to my system. It feels like I traveled back again to the time that I almost wanted to end my life.

***

Another flashback…

I was still crying while lying on the floor. I don’t care who looks at me. Even if they say I'm crazy.

I did not pass the entrance exam of the university where Siwan is supposed to enter. I want to follow him there. After graduation, I had no choice but to make my plan to follow him. I just wanted a closure. I also wanted to clarify why he suddenly didn’t show up. He literally ghosted me.

My body was numb from the cold and I was resentful of everything. When Siwan and I were all done, I didn't seem to be able to continue.

We made a promise, we will achieve our dream together. Then he left it.

"Miss ..."

My eyes were dim, but I could see the bulk of a man as I lay down and soaked in the rain.

"Miss, are you okay?" he asked.

"No ..." I just kept screaming. "I can no longer follow Siwan."

“What about, you ran to follow him? ” That man's voice was lively, enough to motivate me and to lighten my spirits. "How are you going to follow him if you're just lying there?"

"What if he really doesn't want to?" I sobbed the question.

"Ask him."

“How can I ask? Eh, he doesn't even feel it anymore. He is the one who left me. ”

“Is that so? Find someone else than lying there. Stop wasting your tears for someone who doesn't deserve it. ” He laughed.

"You do not understand. Siwan, he is my ideal guy. I will never like anyone else again. ”

“All right, you take care. Don't you want me to help you? You might get sick. ”

"Thanks anyway. But leave me like this first. ”

"Okay bye."

I sobbed again when I felt him walk away. But somehow, I am grateful to him, even if for a moment he eased the pain in my heart.