chapter seven:
the big red button

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Michael has called a neighbourhood meeting in the plaza. It has been a while since one has been arranged, their inductions into the Good Place feeling like an eternity ago. Beth wonders if this is another part of the initiation, until she notes the somber expression on the architect's face.

     "What do you think this is about?" Beth whispers to Sanjay, walking with him to find some seats.

Sanjay shrugs. "Who knows?"

"It looks like it's something serious."

"Not sure what it could be though. You?"

"No idea," Beth sighs. In all honesty, bad news has felt out of the realm of possibility; ever since the spa day, she and Sanjay have been settling into a routine at home. She thinks she is growing more comfortable around him, and at least hopes the feeling is mutual.

They find two vacant chairs next to Jianyu and Tahani, who also seem none the wiser on what this meeting could be about.

Michael begins his talk by mentioning the incidents that have been happening throughout the Good Place, from the garbage storms to the sinkhole. "Thank you all for your patience with the problems in our neighbourhood," he says. "I have finally discovered the cause. There was one common link among every incident. And when I figured it out, it was a shock. But there's no escaping it..."

He pauses, leaving everyone on the edge of their seats. Beth notices Eleanor had just arrived, and looks rather queasy at the wait to hear this news. What's she so worried about?

"... The problem is me," Michael declares, holding his hand to his chest.

Some horrified gasps break out among the residents, while others look confused or saddened.

"And now, I have to leave you... forever."

"Michael, you can't be the problem," Chidi protests, like the logic just isn't adding up.

"Oh, but I am," Michael shakes his head, seeming downcast. "You see, architects aren't supposed to live in the neighborhoods they design, but I love humans, so I– I wanted to try. I see now that was a mistake. My meddling is the one true constant in all of our disasters."

     "Michael?" Beth raises her hand and interjects. "If I may, that– that just seems a bit harsh. Couldn't there be other factors?"

     Eleanor flinches at the question, mysteriously, but Michael isn't convinced by Beth's optimism. "No, Beth, all the evidence is there I'm afraid. Think about it. I tried to force Jianyu into opening up, which caused a sinkhole to open up. I kicked a puppy into the sun, and garbage rained down. I grossly underestimated the number of shrimp needed for the opening-night party, and what flew through the sky the next day, taunting me for my failures? I'm sorry, everyone... I'm truly sorry."

     Beth falls back into her chair, blowing out an exasperated sigh. There is a pang of sadness in her heart on Michael's behalf. She has always found him a friendly figure, even if he's a little on the eccentric side. The neighbourhood would just feel wrong without him. After all, Michael was the one who all inducted them into the Good Place — his face was the first she saw after she died, his words that reassured her she was going to be fine.

     "Janet?" Michael calls, and she materialises right next to him. "Please call a train to escort me into retirement." He then turns to the crowd and explains, "You see, the only way in and out of a neighborhood is by train, and Janet is the only one who can operate them... oh, my dear Janet. Will you be okay after I leave?"

     Janet nods, her smile held completely neutrally.

     "Yes," she says, "this will not affect me in any way."

     "Jeez, show some compassion," Eleanor retorts.

     "Well, I can't feel sad, but here's my best approximation of human crying..."

     Janet clears her throat, staring straight ahead for a beat. Then her face suddenly crumples; she throws her head back, making a wailing noise comparable to a dying seal. Her shoulders shake with the awkward, droning sobs that she mimics. Beth shoots a sideways glance at Sanjay, who is also watching it in complete bemusement. All of a sudden Janet returns to normal.

     What did they just watch?

     "Oh, Janet..." Michael whispers, "that was beautiful."

     "Yeah," Janet smiles.

✮

Naturally, Tahani takes the helm to organise Michael's retirement party. Her lavish mansion is the perfect venue, the other neighbours pitching in to help decorate. Beth and Sanjay are on balloon-inflating duty, the latter not so great at doing it — at the rate he's going, he might as well have the lung capacity of a small mouse.

As Beth bunches balloons together, she starts thinking about those in her life approaching retirement. Her mum has been craving it more and more, after having worked for years as a pharmacist at their local chemist shop in town. It always struck her as funny since Penny Ardon was the most hard-working person she knew, but she said that motivation peaked long ago when she was at university. Then there is her stepfather, Duncan, who was talking last time she visited about buying a canal boat once he retires (to which Penny scoffed and asked, "With what?!"). And her dad... well, who knows what he's doing now? Beth doesn't even know his postcode these days, let alone his working status.

Either way, Beth supposes she won't be seeing any of their retirement parties. Her next balloon is only half-inflated as she lets out a sad breath into it.

Michael soon emerges and stares glumly at their decorating efforts. "What is all this?" he asks.

"Oh no, Michael, you're not supposed to see it till it's all set up. But, well... welcome to your retirement party!" Tahani gestures one hand gracefully across the room, panning across to all its features. "Look, over there, I've even set up a buffet of themed desserts, like retire-mint chocolate cake, or, uh, flan voyage—"

"Oh, boy..." Michael chuckles bitterly.

"— And here we have a piñata shaped like you, which is always fun. By the way, uh, what's your favourite colour for the tablecloths?"

"Well, it's not perceptible to the human eye," he says, "it's called pleurigloss."

(Or at least that's what Beth thinks he said).

"Could you describe it?"

"It's like the colour of... when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time."

"Wow," Sanjay whispers, awed by the poetry of his description.

"Hmm..." Tahani ponders this; she doesn't seem quite sure how to translate that. "How about blue?"

Michael shakes his head glumly and says, "I'm sorry Tahani, we need to cancel this party immediately."

"What? Why?" Beth despairs. In her peripheral vision, the masses of balloons she's just blown up taunt her.

"For a being like me, retirement... is not so fun," he sighs.

"What is retirement for you exactly?" Chidi asks cautiously.

"Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment," says Michael. "We call it The Eternal Shriek. My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my– my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds."

     "Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely!" Tahani tries to inject some positivity into the story.

     "They're not," Michael deadpans.

     A chilling silence passes between them. Then he continues the horrific description.

     "And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a..."

"Like a piñata," Tahani realises, staring guiltily at the Michael-inspired piñata dangling in the corner.

"Yes," Michael nods, "except you have the string around my waist, when it will most definitely be around my genitals."

Beth's jaw drops, her fingers forgetting to pinch her fully-inflated balloon at the same time. It soars and somersaults across the room with a flatulent, raspberry-blowing noise. Michael stares at the deflated balloon as it flops pathetically onto the floor.

"Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to honour you. Please, allow me to reconceive the event." Tahani turns to the room mid-preparation and announces: "Alright, everyone, we're starting over. The key word for tonight is just somber. Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid of all of the party poppers immediately..."

Jianyu suddenly lights up; springing over to the table of party poppers, he starts pulling the strings, and—

POP!

Showers of confetti dust the floor, as he pulls one party popper after the next.

"No, not by using them—"

POP!

"No, Jianyu—"

POP!

After some re-decorating and a thorough sweeping of the floors, the room is now confetti-free and decorated in dark monochrome tones. Grey balloons accompany a charcoal-coloured banner strung above Michael, which reads: "OUR CONDOLENCES". It suddenly feels more like a funeral. Though in all fairness, if his description is anything to go by, retirement might as well call for such a gloomy event.

"Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone," Tahani clears her throat, taking the lead. "Michael, as someone who didn't exactly have the steadiest parental guidance, I just want to thank you. You were always there for us."

     "I shouldn't have been," Michael grumbles, "I was the problem."

     "Yes, but... it was also great when you weren't there."

"Don't worry. Soon I won't be... forever."

"Right, because of the Eternal Shriek!" Glenn says cheerfully.

"Glenn?" Beth whispers. "Read the room, won't you?"

Tahani carries on with her speech: "Look, what I'm trying to say is this... Michael, you always kept us warm and safe like a bright, glowing sun—"

     "Like the one I kicked the dog into or the one I'm going to be burned on the surface of for eternity?" he cuts her off, dejected.

Afraid to press any more wrong buttons, Tahani raises her hands in the air in defence. "Okay, no more speeches. Speeches are over. Michael's going to talk now."

Michael sits forward in his chair and sighs, one long leg draped over the other. "Ugh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy," he apologises mournfully. "It's just I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get my hair wet. You know, I– I wanted to pull a hamstring. To learn the difference between 'toward and 'towards'. I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway, and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card. I– I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, 'Take it sleazy'."

     A warm, collective chuckle ripples through the room. Beth finds herself taken by the way Michael views humanity — all these mundane things that she never took notice of.

     And his list just keeps going. "I wanted to eat a saltine..." he laments.

     "Oh!" Tahani gasps, reaching into a crystal bowl. "I actually have some saltines. Here, try this."

     She hands Michael one of the small, square crackers. He holds it delicately between his fingers and takes a bite, munching quickly on it like a squirrel, crumbs dusting his lapel.

     "Pretty dry... and too salty," Michael concludes. He chucks the half-eaten saltine on the floor, getting up to go. "Well, going out on a real low note here. Okay, bye, everyone."

"Take it sleazy!" Tahani says just in time.

Michael whirls around, his face inflicted with disappointment. "You got to say it?"

"Yes, but then you say it back!"

"No, it's not organic..."

Skulking away, Michael vanishes from his own retirement party. The aftermath is an atmosphere of awkwardness among its guests. Where do they go now? If he's gone, it does not seem worth dragging out the so-called celebration anymore. Beth turns to Sanjay, who has his arms folded across his chest with a frown.

"What now?" Beth asks him.

"Dunno," Sanjay shrugs. "That was a bit of a dampener, wasn't it?"

"I think that's fair, considering his essence will be poured onto... what was it again?"

"Hot diamonds."

"Right..."

A burst of inspiration suddenly lightens up Sanjay's face. He leans in closer to Beth, checking if anyone is listening. Then he whispers: "Hey, you wanna get out of here?"

Beth feels her skin flush hot like a teenager with a crush. "S– sorry, what?"

"Let's make something good out of the remaining day," Sanjay playfully nudges her arm. "I heard about this secluded spot in the Good Place, it's this beach surrounded by all these cliffs and the waves rolling in... it sounds beautiful. I'll go home and make us a picnic, and then I could meet you there in half an hour. Sound good?"

"It sounds perfect," Beth smiles. "I could do with a walk, anyway."

✮

Sanjay wasn't lying about this place. It is tucked away from the suburban utopia of the Good Place, waves crashing onto the shore. The sand feels just like it would on Earth as it sinks under her feet. Beth even takes her shoes off and lets the grains filter between her toes. Seagulls caw in the sky above her, and for a moment she wonders if they are real, or just part of the neighbourhood Michael constructed here.

     Sometimes it's hard to know what to believe...

     Walking here separates here from some of the chaos of her time here so far. Beth is all alone for as far as she can see, and she inhales a great lungful of fresh air. She closes her eyes and lets her mind drift back to summer holidays where they'd drive to Great Yarmouth for a day at the beach.

     The more Beth walks, however, the more she can faintly make out a few familiar voices. They had the same idea, then. She spies two or three stood in a group with a backdrop of dramatic moss-covered cliffs. She soon recognises them as Chidi, Eleanor and Janet, but knows it has to be Chidi when he staggers back and groans anxiously. Beth waves at them and shouts hello, but doesn't think they can hear her. She had better move closer.

"Your pleading is... so real," Chidi is saying as she gets there.

"Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe," Janet agrees.

"Hiya," Beth arrives, shielding the sun from her eyes and squinting. "Fail-safe for what? What's going on?"

Once her eyes adjust to the brightness, she sees that Chidi and Eleanor have frozen in panic at the sight of her. They suddenly seem keen to cover up whatever it is they're doing. It is only now that Beth notices a tall, slim pillar rising from the sand, with a big red button at the top of it.

"Hi, Beth!" Janet smiles and waves. "I was just explaining to Eleanor and Chidi that despite my fail-safe measures, I cannot feel any pain and I can't actually die."

"Oh, that's... good?"

"Mhmm. So they can kill me if they want."

"Ah– hah– sorry, what?" Beth laughs nervously, not quite believing her words.

"Oh God..." Chidi's face falls into his hands.

Eleanor rolls her eyes. "Ugh! You want a robot killed right, you have to do it yourself..."

She storms over to hover her hand above the red button. A brief flash of horror shoots through Beth — this isn't real, is it? — just as Janet begins begging for her life.

"Eleanor? No, no, no, Eleanor, please! Wait, wait, wait! Eleanor, I have kids..." Seemingly out of thin air, Janet produces a framed picture of three smiling children, thrusting it desperately in her attacker's face. "I have three beautiful children — Tyler, Emma and little, tiny baby Phillip. Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ."

This must be the fail-safe, Beth thinks, watching Eleanor hesitate at the button.

"LOOK AT THEM!!" Janet growls demonically through her teeth, "LOOK AT THEM—"

"Aargh! It's so realistic!" Eleanor cries, jumping back again.

Once they are separated by that distance, Janet's smile returns ever-so-casually. "Eleanor, again, I'm not human. This is a stock photo of the crowd at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards."

"Oh, that's right. It's not real..."

"I'm sorry," Beth pipes up, fingers pressed against her temples, "what the fork is going on? Why are you talking about killing Janet? And– well, why? Why?"

"Beth, whatever happens here, promise me you saw nothing, okay?" Eleanor points a finger at her.

"What? No!" Chidi retorts.

"Come on, man, she'll blow our cover!"

"Blow your cover for what?" Beth asks incredulously.

"Please! I have so much to live for, no, no, no—"

Janet's voice heightening in terror makes the trio all pause. They are nowhere near the button. Quickly whirling around, they see Jianyu stood right by the button. What is he doing here? Then, to Beth's complete shock, the Taiwanese monk begins to speak in full sentences, ones that really don't sound like they should be coming out of his mouth:

"Hey guys, what's going on? That party was lame, so I bailed. Then I saw you, so I followed you here," he admits with a shrug. Then he notices the big red button and lights up. "Oh, look! A button."

"Jianyu, NO!"

In a rapid blur, Chidi surges towards Jianyu and knocks him over, slamming the button before he can. Instantaneously, Janet's limbs go slack and her eyes unfocused. Beth clasps a hand over her mouth in horror as Janet plummets down, her face planting into the sand.

"Aw, man, I wanted to push that button. Not cool, dude..." Jianyu mourns. "Whoa, what happened to Janet?"

"She's– she's dead," Chidi stammers, "I– I– I killed her."

Beth lets out a muffled half-laugh, half-whimper.

"Not killed," Eleanor interjects. "Remember, Janet was not a living being, so she can't be killed."

"Oh, well that's fine, then!" Beth throws her arms in the air; her voice has suddenly crept up an octave, bunched high in her throat. It's no wonder, for her brain feels like it's in rapid meltdown. "No particular reason, then? Just felt like it when you woke up this morning?"

Eleanor considers this for a moment. "Beth, if we tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone. No one can know about our secret."

"What, that you murdered Janet?!"

"Oh, yeah, and that too. Don't tell anyone—"

It might be too late for that. Behind then, a giant screen is projected into the sky, showing Janet on a white background as she pleasantly announces on a loop:

"Attention! I have been murdered. Attention! I have been murdered. Attention! I have been murdered."

"What do we do, Eleanor?!" Chidi starts hyperventilating.

"What do we do? Chidi, you just murdered Janet. We have to flee your crime scene. RUN!" Eleanor hollers; Jianyu followers after her, then Beth and Chidi (once he apologises to the corpse of Janet in the sand).

The sand breaking their speed, everything starts to catch up even more to Beth. Everything has been completely thrown up in the air — she needs to know why they were killing Janet, what Eleanor's big secret is, and why the fork was Jianyu talking like that?!

     "Attention! I have been murdered."

     "Is anyone going to explain to me what the fork is happening?!" Beth pleads, having to shout so her voice isn't drowned out by the waves.

     Eleanor suddenly whirls around, an impatient and urgent look on her face. "Okay, fine! Quick summary, you ready?" she asks. Before Beth can answer, it all pours out. "I'm not supposed to be here. I was sent to the Good Place by mistake, when actually I was meant to be in the Bad Place. Chidi here has been giving me ethics lessons to try and help me out. Oh, and Jason's not meant to be here either."

     "Jason? Who's Jason?"

     "Yo, that's me! Hey homie," Jianyu– no, Jason, holds out his fist for Beth to bump. The epiphany hits her like a ton of bricks, and far too late once she sees it.

     "You're not a Taiwanese monk?" Beth gasps for air.

     "Nope. I was a DJ in Jacksonville. And I'm not from Taiwan, I'm Filipino. Heaven is so racist..."

     Beth is trying to make all the puzzle pieces fit together. Eleanor is meant to be in the Bad Place, but for what? She didn't kill someone, did she? She certainly didn't have any qualms killing Janet just now. And as for Jason-not-Jianyu, well, Beth is just ashamed she didn't realise it sooner. So many times, she has found the so-called monk's behaviour strange. All of this new knowledge quickly crumples Beth's vision of the Good Place. She has to get out of here.

     She tries to make a run for it, but soon Eleanor is tackling her arms despite being smaller in stature. Her mouth clamps over Beth's, muffling her cries of retaliation.

     "No! Beth, you have to promise to keep this a secret. I didn't wanna drag you into this, but it's too late. You have to help us..."

     Beth shoots a crazed glare at the three of them. They are all desperate except for Jason, who she's not sure knows what is happening right now. As insane as this is, she also hates the idea of telling on someone, even if this is a secret that will eat her up. And right now, with Janet declaring her murder like it's an announcement over the airport speakers, Beth just needs to go along with it.

     "Fine," she mutters, ripping Eleanor's hand away, "but I still don't understand why you had to kill Janet?"

     As Chidi lets out a guilt-ridden whimper, Eleanor sighs. "I'll explain on the way. Just... lay low, okay? We need to get back to Michael's retirement party before someone gets suspicious."

They slow their frantic sprints to a casual walk, as the neighbourhood homes grow nearer. On the way, Eleanor explains to Beth that killing Janet was the only way to save Michael from the Eternal Shriek, since without Janet they couldn't call a train. She finds it a surprisingly selfless act from someone hiding from the Bad Place — that is, until Beth learns that Eleanor's original plan, before knowing the details of retirement, was to let him leave and not be plagued with paranoia over being discovered as a fraud.

And that's another thing. The neighbourhood problems all seem to be caused by Eleanor's, and supposedly Jason's existence in the Good Place. The flying shrimp and the Ariana Grande fest they woke up to earlier on? All conjured up by things Eleanor said or did the night prior. And the trash storm? Caused by her own selfishness, too.

Beth appreciates Eleanor's honesty now, but she can't lie that it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth.

Chidi starts melting down the deeper they walk into the neighbourhood. By the time they're in the plaza, Beth and Jianyu have to support his weight as he slumps in despair.

"Okay, dude, crash course in getting away with bad stuff. You have to act calm and cool like you don't have a care in the world. Okay? Great." In a flash, Eleanor swaps Chidi's glasses for a pair of shades, in order to mask the crisis unfolding behind his eyes. She lets out a laugh at his appearance. "Oh, wow. Look, it's 'Weekend at Bernie's', 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?"

"I've never been more stressed out in my entire life," Chidi's voice wobbles.

"I know what you need. Janet, can you get Chidi some weed?" Jason asks the sky, then remembers with a dopey grin. "Oh, that's right. You killed Janet."

Chidi's body sinks even more at the reminder, Beth huffing and puffing to keep him upright. "Okay, Chidi, come on," she winces, hauling him up again. "One foot in front of the other... there we go..."

     They get back to Tahani's mansion good time, where the mood is now leaning even heavier into a funeral — mainly because there is now someone to hold a funeral for. Eleanor handle Chidi, whilst Jason wanders off curiously. It leaves Beth to try and compose herself. She finds one of the many full-length mirrors in Tahani's house and stares at it, taking deep breaths. Just act casual. You need to get through this.

     The mighty front doors swing open, slamming against the wall. Sanjay comes stumbling through, panting from exertion. In one of his hands a picnic hamper weighs one side down. Beth stands like a deer frozen in headlights.

     "Beth! Oh, thank fork for that..." he sighs in relief, dropping the hamper. "I was just heading down to the beach, and then I heard that Janet got murdered."

     She swallows thickly. "Yeah, I– I heard that too."

     "I couldn't find you and I got worried. Are serial killers a thing in the Good Place?"

     Beth shrugs painfully. When she looks at him, there is a guilt that now creeps in — there is so much more she knows. Should she tell him? She swore to Eleanor she wouldn't, but... she cares a lot about Sanjay, and it feels wrong to keep him in the dark. However, another side of her wishes to keep him this blissfully ignorant. If she can protect him from anything related to the Bad Place, then the damage can't spread too far. Even if Beth has to make a sacrifice for it.

     "I think there's a funeral for Janet now," Beth says. "Shall we go in?"

     "Yeah..." Sanjay reaches down and clasps her hand in his.

     Already, Janet's body has been transferred to an open casket, Michael standing despondently next to it. Above them, the black banner has been re-written to read: "GOODBYE JANET (R.I.P. OUR DEARLY DEPARTED SISTER)"

     "Well, Janet's been murdered," Michael throws his arms in the air. "That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want."

Tahani, who has already changed into a lacy black dress, insists: "Michael, you mustn't blame yourself."

"I'm not. I'm blaming you."

Wow. He doesn't mince his words.

"Anyway," Michael sighs, "what is there to say about Janet that hasn't already been said by the giant Janet alarm in the sky? I've been murdered! I think that says it all."

     "Hello!"

     Everyone screams — Janet has just sat up in her casket, wide awake, only this time her clothes and hair have changed slightly. There doesn't appear to be a scratch on her.

     "Janet, you're alive!" Michael gasps.

     While most people seem to want to celebrate, Beth feels like she might break out in hives, so God only knows how Chidi's remaining in one piece. Because what if Janet says something?

     "Hello, Architect," says Janet, "please enter your four-digit pin."

     Hands shaking, Michael's hand hovers over the holographic keypad that appears. "Uh, what is it? What is it? Um... oh, right, right, right! It's my, uh... my birth year. Uh..." He proceeds to type 0000 into the keypad, which unlocks access to Janet's features. "I've gotta change that, that's too easy to guess."

Then he lowers his stare, surveying Janet intensely.

"Janet... who murdered you?"

"Oh, oh no," Chidi grimaces, clutching his stomach; Eleanor tries to shush him while hiding her own worry.

"Hello!" Janet says again.

"Yes, hello– oh..." Michael taps his chin, before swivelling to face everyone again. "Uh, her memory must have been wiped clean, so now she's gonna have to re-upload all the knowledge in the universe, which will only take a few days. Everyone, um, until I get to the bottom of this, my retirement is officially postponed."

Eleanor leads the cheers and applause that follow. Of course she would, because it means she's safe, for now.

"Hello!" Janet smiles, her mind a blank slate.

✮

With Michael's retirement avoided, the quartet re-group at Eleanor and Chidi's house in the evening. Beth had made up some excuse to Sanjay about needing to pick up something from a shop in the neighbourhood. There is a meeting due later in town again, so it is their last chance to talk before then.

     Now that she's here, Beth takes a proper look at Eleanor and Chidi's house. It is only now that she notices a giant blackboard with faint words wiped out in chalk dust. Upon the coffee table, ethics books by the likes of Aristotle and Immanuel Kant lie scattered with pages dog-eared and passages highlighted in luminous pink. She can even see notes scribbled in Eleanor's writing related to the work. Chidi really has been teaching her how to be a good person, from the very beginning.

     "You got to admit... I kind of nailed it," Eleanor is saying, pacing the room. "All we have to do now is keep the secret forever."

     Beth lets out an exasperated breath. "Seriously?"

"Hey, I thought you said you'd zip it!"

"And I will, I– I promise... but think about this," says Beth, her frustrations tumbling out. "Why should we pay the price because you can't accept that you were meant to go to the Bad Place?"

Eleanor flinches, before gesturing to all the books. "I know it looks bad, but Beth, I'm actually learning some stuff here! And all these problems can't be entirely my fault. I mean, surely you've noticed that things aren't as perfect in the Good Place as they seem. It's a pretty sucky afterlife if you ask me—"

"For you? Sure. My afterlife was fine until I became an accomplice to murder!"

"First of all, not murder. Janet wasn't a living being. And second of all, you really think that? Even with flying shrimps and stuff?"

Beth rubs her eyes tiredly and sighs. "I don't know. I'll keep your secret, okay? Just... leave it."

"Okay..." Eleanor moves on to Jason next, who seems downcast. "J-Dog, you cool?"

"No," Jason sulks, "by the time I got to the piñata, all the candy was gone."

"He's not gonna tell anyone... Chidi? Cheedster? What's, uh, what's happening buddy? You have a crazy look in your eye, and you're retreating into your shirt. You're kind of turtling."

Beth glances to the side to see what Eleanor means, and surely enough, Chidi's shoulders are hunched by his ears as he looks about ready to pop a vein. Finally, he sucks in a deep breath through his tension. "I don't care that she came back," says Chidi, "or that we did it for a good reason. I can't live with this lie. I'm going to confess to the murder of Janet."

     "What? Dude, why?" Eleanor scoffs. "Janet is fine. We didn't harm her at all."

     "We didn't? Hey, Janet?"

     Janet appears with a clear boop, except she's facing the wall in the corner of the room.

     "Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?" Chidi requests.

     "A... B... Janet!" she beams.

     "She knows her A-B-Janets," Eleanor shrugs.

     "She knew literally everything in the universe, and now she's a baby," Chidi points out. "And even if she were okay, it would be too painful for me to live with these lies."

     "What are you talking about? It is so easy to live with a lie. I once pretended to have a terminal illness to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut. Victimless crime."

"Good grief..." Beth mutters. She's starting to understand why Eleanor wasn't on-track to be here.

Chidi studies Eleanor for a moment, weighing up the situation with great care. "Fine," he concludes, "I won't say anything because I promised to help you, and the moral implications... of everything that we've done are so complicated that I may never untangle them, but I hate lying. I always have, and this is going to eat me up inside forever. You might be able to shrug this off, and forget about it, but I never will."

     With that, Chidi heads straight for the front door — Beth can't help but feel a pang of surprise at his loyalty to Eleanor. Even after the stress she seems to have put him through, he still seems to want to guide her, even when it tortures him to do it. It's a flicker of insight into their bond that intrigues her.

     The four of them head down to the meeting at separate times, Beth making sure she finds her seat next to Sanjay. He's had his hand placed on the chair the whole time, saving it for her.

     "Hey," he whispers, "did you find what you were looking for?"

     "Yeah... I think so," Beth whispers back. Looking at him now, she vows again to keep this secret from him. Sanjay deserves to be here without being dragged into this mess.

     Michael takes to the stage, a solemn look on his face after the events of today. "Thank you for gathering, everyone. I want to keep you all updated. Here's what we know... someone slaughtered Janet—"

     Two rows in front of Beth and Sanjay, Chidi lets out a pained groan, recoiling in his seat with a stomach ache. Eleanor tries to shush him, reaching across and patting his knee with her hand.

     "— I assume that this horrifying act is somehow related to the other issues we've had here. It also means that the problems in this neighborhood are not 100% my fault. There is something else at work here. If anyone has any information about any of this, I beg you, tell me."

There is a long, suffocating silence. Beth is afraid to move even the slightest muscle and indicate something. While she doesn't reach Chidi-levels of anxiety doing it, she has never been a particularly good liar — that much became clear when once she spoiled her colleague's surprise birthday party, by absentmindedly asking them what colour they preferred for the icing on the cake.

"Hey..." she hears Eleanor whisper to Chidi. "I love you, man."

Then before Beth knows it, she sees Eleanor stand up.

"Michael? The problem in the neighbourhood... is me."

Everyone's stares magnetise to Eleanor Shellstrop, especially Michael's, as gasps of disgust ripple through the crowds.

"I was brought to the Good Place by mistake. I'm not supposed to be here."

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊

A/N:

beth going down to the beach like:

i think we can safely say that things will be WAY more chaotic from now on. beth knows about eleanor and jason, so we'll see how she deals with that and how she integrates with the soul squad. she isn't particularly happy with eleanor at the moment and unleashed a lot of her initial upset/fear onto her.

P.S. has anyone watched a man on the inside with ted danson on netflix? i absolutely loved it and can't recommend it enough, but boy did it make me WEEP. also liked that it made a couple of subtle nods to the good place.

( PUBLISHED: 2nd February, 2025 )