Utterly surrounded by people, I felt numb to the noise and chatter.

Ava's baby shower hadn't even started yet and I was already ready to go home. I knew Ava would kill me if I left before she even arrived, however, so I had found a spot in the far corner of the garden where I could retreat and sulk. Sulking had been pretty much all I had been able to do as of late.

Yawning, I rubbed my eyes with the backs of my fist. Sleep had been a thing of the past recently. If I wasn't throwing myself into training for my new role then I was revising for exams. Lately, anything that could possibly take my mind off of my situation was my vice.

At school, Nico seemed to be everywhere. Around every corner, behind every door; he was inescapable. No matter what route I took, I seemed to be unable to escape that lavender smell. It was driving me insane. Not to mention, obnoxiously orange-coloured peanut butter chocolate seemed to be everywhere lately. Nico's godforsaken favourite snack.

N.J and Mila were no help. They were just as on-edge as I was and seemed to be walking on egg shells around me. The topic of 'mate' hadn't come up since Xavier had whisked me away to his office but I knew they were dying to ask about it. It exhausted me to even consider what I was going to do but I had a semblance of a plan.

The room had become an echo of cheers as Ava walked through the balloon arch and into the garden. Her face was a picture of surprise and glee as people greeted her, but her eyes weren't focused on them. I watched her as they flittered across faces until they settled on him. They didn't have a mate bond, but she still looked for him in every crowd. Her smile stretched even further and the warmth that exuded from her was clear to see as she stepped into Oscar's outstretched arms.

I had to admit, I had always longed for something like Ava and Oscar had. Despite not being mates, it was clear they were made for each other and they knew that too. They had chosen each other and defied the Moon Goddess in doing so. It seemed romantic. Longing for this myself, I used to imagine deciding my own mate when I was settled into my role in the pack. Things were certainly not looking that way.

"I hear you've got a surprise for me, kid." Ava's gentle voice appeared, her belly absolutely massive by this point.

"You about to pop?" I eyed it warily.

"I hope so." Ava laughed.

She walked with her hand resting on her own back, complaining about being on her feet for so long. I helped her up the stairs towards the nursery and held my breath as I opened the door. It was strange, Ava had always been a parental figure to me and I wanted so desperately to give something back to her now that she was having her own child.

As the door creaked open, that same warmth returned to Ava and she gasped in delight, rushing forward as fast as her heavily pregnant body would allow her. Her eyes drank in the mural, watering with the plethora of emotions that overcame her. I shuffled awkwardly at the door, clearing my own throat of the emotions I felt. I hadn't expected to react in such a way.

"Xan, this is absolutely incredible." Ava breathed, tracing one of painted trees with the tips of her fingers.

"Noah helped." Was about all I could get out.

She turned to face me with tears running down her face. She stretched her arms open for a hug and I obliged, leaning down to her to wrap her in one. Her hand patted my back gently, as if trying to reassure me. I hadn't seen her since everything with Nico had happened, but I knew that she most certainly knew. Cameron was nothing if not a gossip.

"Honey, we have got a lot to talk about." Ava patted the ottoman for me to sit on while collapsing into the rocking chair.

"Oh, I don't want to take time out of your party." I began to deny her offer, but of course Ava wouldn't allow it.

"I need the sit down, kid. My back is killing me."

I took a seat at where she had motioned and sighed deeply, shrugging. Where do I start?

"You found your mate, Xan." Ava started, "So why does it look like somebody has died?"

"I'm not ready." My voice cracked, "I don't want it."

Ava tutted and took my hand, holding it to comfort me as best as she could.

"I'm not going to sit here and lecture you about why having a mate is a wonderful thing and you should just be happy, or whatever." Ava sighed, "I'm going to be real with you, Xan, as I always am. I don't know what it's like to have a mate. I don't. What I do know, however, is that if my mate had come along at your age I would have given them a chance. Despite loving Oscar, I would have at least gotten to know them to make sure my decision was the right one. Obviously I made that decision a long time ago and I'm happy with it, but I don't want you to ever be left wishing that you'd given it a bit more thought. Get to know him, Xan."

Ava's words sunk in and I digested them for a while. It was similar to what Xavier had told me. Everyone around me was just wishing that I would give Nico a chance, but I was scared that if I did that then I would give into the feelings of the mate bond.

"I feel like I'm stuck in a sick game." I whispered, "Like the Moon Goddess has me trapped and is enjoying my discomfort. She knew I didn't want to meet my mate, so she gives me one. She knew I'd want to reject them, so she makes that impossible for me to do. Any semblance of choice is gone; I have no control over this situation."

Ava's eyes held deep concern in them as she scanned my face. She squeezed my hand to comfort me but spoke steadily, with a serious tone.

"Honestly, I think this is what you need, Xan. It's a slap in the face for you and I get that it hurts but I feel you would have made a rash decision you would have regretted if you had been given a choice to reject him. It hurts to hear, I know, but it's what I think. She's done you a favour, Xan."

Deep down I knew Ava was speaking out of love and from her heart, but it felt like a stab in my back. I was wounded and she was just twisting the knife. I stared down at my shoes and took back my hand, feeling sick to my stomach with what was just said. It was like some kind of betrayal.

"Xan, I know you find it hard to let people in because of what happened to you when you were younger, but please give him a chance. You deserve love." Ava's voice was soft but it still made me wince, "Just consider it."

With that, she rose from her chair as best as she could and waddled out of the room to join the party happening outside. I was left with her words banging around my brain, attacking my every thought. I hated that she had brought up that incident. My feelings have nothing to do with that day.

Do they?

I tried to avoid thinking about what had happened at all costs, but it seemed as if Ava believed it to be the cause of my reluctance towards Nico. I didn't think so, but I honestly wasn't sure what I thought anymore. I felt like a mess. The control I craved was waning and I hated that.

My mind racing, I sat on that ottoman for quite some time. Voices from outside were faintly audible, but I was just numb. Nothing seemed to be clear anymore. Icarus had been so restless ever since we had found out and I felt unable to get a handle on anything that had been happening. Everything was spiralling.

Finally rising to my feet, I followed the one thing I could get straight: Icarus needed to see Nico.

We wanted to know more and we needed to actually attack this issue instead of just avoiding him. I had been wasting time by doing nothing about it. Both Xavier and Ava think I need to get to know him better, so that's what I'll do.

Behind the wheel of my car, my heart was pounding against my chest. I felt unhinged. Two sides of me were in complete opposition and I couldn't find harmony between them. It was really effecting my mental state to be so opposed to my own instincts. It wasn't until I was actually in the small grocery store carpark that I finally snapped out of this daze.

My eyes were on him.

Sat behind the wheel of my car, parked in a space, I could see him behind the counter. He checked his watch endlessly and restocked shelves with an exhausted expression. He looked so tired and I could see the bags under his eyes from even here.

My heart pounded when I looked at him and my mouth went so dry that I had to clear my throat and avert my eyes. He had such an effect on me. It left a bitter sweet feeling in my chest.

Icarus delighted in the sight of him and my heart sunk.

The fluorescent lights shone down on him from above, basking him in a harsh, white glow. There was certainly something about him that made him so captivating. I wasn't sure if it was just the semblance of a mate bond, but he was unlike any other person I had ever come across. The way he carried himself, his very essence, it was all so strange to me.

He was enchanting. Rain began to patter against my windshield and I switched on my wipers to get a better view of him. Even being near him made Icarus calmer than he had been in weeks. It was soothing to just watch him and know that he was nearby. The soft drumming of the rain began to intensify and my view became totally obscured as it began to chuck it down.

Sliding my phone out of my pocket, I tapped through the apps and searched his name. Sure enough, his profile popped up. Despite myself, a sly smile slipped onto my face. His profile was pretty empty, bar a photo of him and the friend hat had been with him at the club. They were sat in a grass field, the light shining on them to make them glow like rays of sunshine on a hot summers day. Nico looked golden. His smile was toothy and displayed pure ecstacy. My heart thudded.

Without thinking, I saved it, pausing when I realised what I had just done.

My heart felt unbelievably torn. I didn't even know the guy and yet he had such an influence of me. I was essentially sat in my car, stalking him online because I couldn't see him through the rain.

Well, technically, that isn't true. I knew him in the biblical sense.

Irregardless, it wasn't like I knew anything about him beyond physical attraction. The physical attraction aspect was certainly there, however. My throat went dry and Icarus stirred from deep within me with a growl whenever I even thought about that night with Nico. It was primal.

Before I could get too lost in my own thoughts, a chime from the grocery store doors brought me out of my lusty haze.

Covering his head with his canvas bag, Nico was leaving the grocery store in a too-big t.shirt, immediately becoming drenched to the bone in the pelting rain. He dropped his bag in defeat, instead beginning to shield his eyes with an arched hand on his brow. The shirt clung to his skin as it soaked through, sagging with the weight of the water and hanging off him.

Why didn't he have an umbrella? Or even a jacket?

Hot air spat out of my car vents as I twisted the ignition, shifting into gear and rolling out of the parking space. My body felt as if it was moving autonomously, without my consent, as I pulled onto the main road and rolled to a stop alongside Nico. As the window rolled down, his tear-streaked face became clear to me.

My mouth dropped open, at a loss for what to say, and his face contorted into one of confusion. We stared at each other and electric passed between us, igniting my body and breaking my heart. Why was he crying?

"What do you want?"

There was a bitterness to his voice. Of course there was. I had been a dickhead and probably deserved much worse.

"You need a lift?" I offered, unsure of how else I could help.

Nico seemed to hesitate for a moment, shuffling on his feet with uncertainty. I was almost convinced that he was about to walk away when he reached for the handle and climbed into my car, his scent flooding the small space almost instantly.

"Can you take me to the hospital?"

Icarus panicked at that but Nico himself looked fine, bar the tears of course. Judging by the tears, it seemed safe to presume that somebody he knew was in the hospital. My heart ached for him. The hospital itself was easily a forty minute walk and, in this weather, Nico would be frozen solid by the time he got there.

The drive was silent. Nico was making a puddle on my car seats but seemed to appreciate the hot air blowing out of the heater. Tapping the steering wheel as I drove, I tried hard to keep my eyes on the road and not on the guy sat next to me. His scent was driving me crazy, however. Now is not the time.

The drive itself was barely ten minutes but it felt like longer. Nico stared out the window, his eyes still brimming with tears, and I pretended not to notice. I wasn't very good with the whole feelings thing.

Pulling into the drop off zone, I contemplated whether I should park up and offer to join him, but I could tell when I wasn't wanted. Nico was hurting and being around the asshole who ghosted him was probably the last thing he wanted right now.

"Thanks." Nico unclipped his seatbelt, swinging the car door closed behind him.

I rolled down the window on his side, leaning across to be able to see him stood in the rain. He looked back at the car with a sorrowed look, his face crumpled into a tired expression. Once again, we were both left staring at each other while I searched for the right words.

"Nico, are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?"

His response came coupled with a bittersweet laugh and he rubbed the remaining tears on his face away with the back of his hand. They were mixed with rain water and I couldn't tell how hard his crying was with all of the droplets. Irregardless, I knew he wasn't.

"I'm sorry."