It's another quiet ride, but this time with a wall between them so all Levi can do is drink his coffee and smoke another cigarette as he sobers up and Gideon drives them home. They get off the highway about an hour later, taking the back roads into town. Levi recognizes the road after a moment, their road, where they've spent so much of their time over the years. Their spot is a little ways down, this dirt path that peels off towards a pond nobody really frequents.

     Levi looks up, the sky freckled in stars, feeling transported to a past that was uncomplicated. He wants to tell Gideon to stop at their spot so they can sit together one last time. He won't say it's for the last time. But he'll know that that's what it is.

     He turns slightly towards the window and says, "Gideon, let's stop at our spot." When Gideon doesn't answer right away, Levi turns completely, propping his face in the open window. "Come on, Gid."

     Gideon's crying now, his cheeks reflecting light. He's clenching at the wheel like if he holds on tight enough it'll stop whatever they're going through. Levi feels his throat get tight.

     "Pull over," he says finally.

     "No," Gideon snaps. "No. It's fine. I'm fine."

     "You're not fine," Levi says.

     "No, you're right, I'm not fine, Levi." Gideon turns then to shoot him a pointed stare. "I fucking love you and that just means nothing to you, huh. I mean nothing to you."

     Levi's face flattens. He meets Gideon's gaze heatedly. "You mean everything to me. Everything. Why don't you realize that?"

     "Then why are you pushing me away?" Gideon says, his voice thick.

     "I don't — I don't know." Levi reaches through the window to place his hand on Gideon's shoulder. "I'm scared."

     Gideon glances back at him. "Then be scared with me."

     "It's that simple for you, huh," Levi responds finally. He raises his hand to Gideon's face and Gideon turns his cheek into Levi's palm. "Being friends is safe," Levi says.

     "Fuck safe," Gideon responds quickly.

     "We could go on being friends forever."

     "No, I'd want more. And you would, too."

     "But I'd never give you everything. Not everything you want. You'd resent me."

     "I wouldn't," Gideon says adamantly.

     "I'd resent me."

     "Just...be with me, Levi. That's all I'm asking."

     Levi is gnawing at his lip. "What would people think?" he whispers.

     "Fuck what people think."

     "It matters, Gid. We live in a small town."

     "So then we'll leave. We'll go wherever you want. We'll go to the middle of nowhere if that's what you want."

     "I want you to be realistic."

     "And I want you to be in this with me."

     Levi thinks maybe he'll start crying, too, and what a fucking state they'll be. He thinks about what his father will say, who's a pretty chill dude but all dads are chill till it's their son.

     He takes his hand away and Gideon turns his head to look at him, sharply, like he knows Levi's just made some choice in the silence. "Gid — look out!"

     Lights and horn drown Levi's words, blinding him, happening so fast, he can barely cry out as they collide with the truck swerving into their lane.

     It's over as soon as it starts.

     When Levi wakes, he knows somethings wrong but he can't remember what. He stares up into the sky, into the darkness, trying to figure out why he feels the way he does. His heart is racing like he's running but he's not moving. He's lying still. He can't feel the ground beneath him. He can't feel anything. His body is cold and damp, sweat dripping down his neck, tears trailing into his mouth. He's crying but he doesn't know why.

     There's a heavy blearing sound in the distance. His ears need a moment to right themselves before he realizes it's not distant at all. It's right here. It's a horn. Levi can't move at first. He tries to lift his arms but they protest. He rolls onto his shoulder with a sharp gasp. The pain seeps into him slowly and then all at once. He feels it in his hips, shooting up the back of his legs, bringing a heat to the back of his head.

     "Gid," he says but his voice is low, a rumble.

     He pushes himself up onto his knees first. The grass is wet below him. His hands are sticky. Blood drips down his head, getting in his eyes.

     His senses are slow. The lights. The horn. The truck.

     Gideon.

     "Gid," he calls again, louder now as he gets to his feet. He looks around. The truck is a length away, flipped on its side and demolished accordion-style. There's smoke billowing from the hood.

     "No, no, no no no no."

    Levi tries to move fast but he has to distinctly lift each leg and take his steps like his legs are mechanical and haven't been carrying him for the last nineteen years. Levi pulls himself up onto the side of the bed, peering through the passenger side window. Gideon's inside, a heap of twisted limbs lying against the driver's door which is pressed into the ground.

     "Gid, Gideon!" Levi bangs on the window, trying the handle but he can't get the leverage he needs to open it. The stupid door fucking sticks. Gideon doesn't move. He looks dead. "Oh god."

     Levi wants to vomit. He nearly does and swallows its down, wiping the blood from his eyes as slides down into the bed of the truck. The window is too small for a body to fit through it, but can reach his arm, grabs a hold of some part of Gideon and gives it the most violent shake he can manage.

     When he feels movement, he removes his arm and pokes his head inside. "Gideon?" Gideon's eyes open slowly. "Come on, Gid. Open your eyes. That's it. Look at me."

     Gideon's face breaks, fear and pain battling to take its place in his features. "Levi?" he says quietly, confused. His breaths quicken and he tries to sit up but he can't manage it. "Levi?"

     "Hey, it's okay. You're okay. I'm going to get you out. You're going to be fine."

     Levi doesn't really believe himself, mostly because the engine is making a scary noise and maybe he's crazy but he thinks he sees lights and he's positive he shouldn't be seeing lights coming out of an engine.

     "Gid, I need you to turn the ignition off? Can you do that? Can you reach the key?"

     Levi watches him try to move but he thinks his arm is broken. He's covered in blood but Levi can't tell where's the source. "Okay, okay. Uhm. I need to get you out of here. Just hold on."

     Levi, admittedly, has no idea how he's going to do that. Because the only way he knows how to open the passenger door is from the inside. The windshield has been blown out. He could go in that way but he thinks the engines on fire. He doesn't care, though, climbing out of the bed and making his way to the front of the truck.

     There's definitely some flames forming but Levi thinks he can manage. When his places his hands on the hood though, it's too hot and he has to remove them.

     "Levi?" Gideon calls out.

     "I'm here, Gid. I'm here."

     "Levi, somethings wrong." Gideon's crying, his breaths loud and frantic. "Levi?"

     Levi doesn't think. He takes a few steps back and then lodges himself at the front of the truck, jumping with the last bit of energy he has. He registers his landing. He was hoping to make it into the cab like a superhero but he pretty much flops on the hood, feels the heat and scampers across the broken glass, falling into the cab painfully. He lands on Gideon and Gideon groans.

     "Hey, baby, hey. You're okay, okay? I'm here. You're okay."

     Gideon looks at him, raising his hand and touching Levi's face. "I love you."

     Levi grabs his hand, snatches it away from his face. "Don't. Do not do that. I'm getting you out of here."

     "Say it back," Gideon pleads.

     "Shh, Gideon. I'm getting you out of here."

     Even as he says it, he's not so sure that he is. The car being on its side is making it hard for Levi to get to the passenger door and he's got nothing to hold him up so he can shove the door. He puts his foot in the little cab window and stands up, pressing both his hands into the passenger door as he pushes.

     "Come on, come on you fucker."

     "Levi," Gideon says, gasping. "You need to get out of here."

     "I'm not leaving you," Levi snaps.

     He can feel the door starting to give. The flames are getting bigger on the hood and it's hot in the cab. He wonders if there's fire under them, too. The door budges, and he pushes again with everything in him. It swings out and open.

     Gideon's sleeping. He's sleeping, Levi thinks as he crouches down by him. "Wake up, Gideon, we've gotta' go."

     Levi shakes him. "Wake up. Wake up. Wake up."

     But Gideon doesn't give. He was always so fucking stubborn.

     Levi holds his face, kissing him, kissing his cheek and nose. "I'm sorry I didn't say it back," Levi whispers. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Gid. I'm sorry."

    Levi knows something is wrong because there's bright lights and frantic voices he doesn't recognize and he had been staring at the sky with Gideon. That's what he remembers. Looking up at the sky and holding onto the boy he loves and thinking I'll say it back now, I'll say it back.

     But now he's here. And it doesn't feel safe to open his eyes. He has a feeling when he does Gideon won't be there.

     Disoriented and foggy, it takes him a second to recognize his mother hurdling into his line of sight, reaching for him and kissing his hands roughly. "My boy, my boy," she's saying quickly.

     Levi's voice croaks and his mother shushes him. "You're okay, you're okay."

     But Levi does not feel okay. He feels like he's dying for a second time.

     When he opens his eyes again, there aren't any lights but the noises are still there. They orient him, let him know that he's in the hospital. They tell him he's survived a nightmare. His memory is faded, chipped like he had a bad trip.

     Stars.

     Open road.

     Lights. Horns. Truck.

     Gideon.

     Levi jolts and the memories flood in fast. "Calm down, Levi," a woman's voice says that he doesn't recognize. Her cold hand lifts his face. "You're getting worked up. Charlotte! Levi, you need to breathe. You're going to — he's seizing. Get me 10 of diazepam."

      Silence comes down like a wave.

     It's dark when Levi comes to but not quiet. He doesn't expect it to be. He's more oriented this time, not in pain but from the looks of the IV drip hanging beside him, it's likely for this reason he feels like he's in a sweet haze.

      His memory is shit, coming back in small flecks. He keeps seeing the night sky and then its Gideon's bent body, lying peacefully in his arms in the crushed cab of his truck and Levi is immediately gutted.

     "No," he repeats over and over, his body heaving on the truth like it's vomit. Loud sobs pull him up and keel him over so that he nearly falls out of his hospital bed. "No. No, he can't be gone. What am I — how am I —."

     A nurse rushes in just as his heart monitor goes off. "Oh, Levi, please calm down. Deep breaths. Come on, in and out. Slow, slower. That's it." She sits down on the bed and holds his face. Mimics breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. "That's it, that's better. What has gotten you so worked up? We can't figure out what's doing it. But you're hurting yourself, Levi. Your body can't handle the stress right now."

     Levi is clutching the nurse's arms, holding on for dear life. "How long? How long has it been?"

     "Four weeks, sweetheart." She pulls away from Levi's grip and pats some of his hair down. "You've been in and out during that time. Your family's been by your side, though. You've got a head injury and all these attacks are exacerbating the bleed."

     "I have a what?"

     Levi reaches up and touches his hair, or what's left of it. Half of it is gone, wrapped in thick gauze.

     "Do you have any pain?" she asks.

     "Yes," Levi tells her honestly.

     It's like she doesn't hear him. "Oh! Your mother — I have to call her. We sent her home. She was here every night. Your father and sister, too." She gets up, a smile on her face as she stares at Levi.

     "Please. I'm in pain." And he is.

     The nurse leaves but another one returns and gives him a shot of morphine that knocks him out cold.

     Levi wakes with a wet face, tears drenching the front of his thin hospital dress. His mother is there, and Victoria, his older sister. "Hi, hi sweetie. Don't try to speak. It's okay."

     "Hey, it's okay. You're okay. I'm going to get you out. You're going to be fine."

     It comes in waves, sadness and pain, pain and sadness. Levi can't differentiate the feelings. Doesn't want to. He thinks during most of those nights, I've done this to us. I didn't know how to be with you and now I'll never get the chance to figure it out.