━━ CHAPTER TWENTY / playing a game

The patrol was supposed to be an easy mission. They would linger around the space lanes for a few hours to ensure that there were no pirates or First Order raids and then they would return back to base. It was meant to be simple. An in-and-out op but then the First Order ships came and there was no escape from them.

Eliana shouted commands down the comm as they were under heavy fire and it was only with the assistance of Golden Squadron that they managed to get out unscathed. Eliana had become used to active combat in the depths of space but she had been exhausted and she barely got out with her life. She had been sloppy and as they jumped back through hyperspace, she muted the comm as the rest of the Squadrons celebrated just getting out of there alive.

Eliana felt sick. Her stomach twisting harshly as she stared through the viewport into the swirling depths of hyperspace. It was a quick journey and once she had been spat back into D'Qar's system, she unmuted the comms and flew down with the rest of the Squadrons.

The atmosphere was oddly excited once they'd touched down. Everyone jumped out of their ships and hugged each other. Eliana wasn't sure whether it was because they were glad they were alive or otherwise. But as soon as Eliana's ship hit the tarmac, she felt like throwing her guts up. So, rather than lingering, she got out of the X-Wing and rushed to the changing rooms which were the nearest bathrooms.

She slammed the bathroom stall door shut behind her and collapsed to her knees, hurling into the toilet bowl. Her head was spinning. Her stomach hurt and she had to hold back the tears as the vomit burned its way back up her throat. She coughed and spluttered as she frantically pushed her hair back but it kept falling in front of her face.
The tears eventually spilled as she collapsed down to the floor. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and let out a heavy sigh. The tears dripping down her face as she silently cried. Never in her few years with the Resistance had the change in gravity actually made her throw up. But she knew it was bigger than that.

She had felt sick as soon as they had jumped into hyperspace but it didn't make sense. She had never had such a visceral reaction after a skirmish and the gravity had never made her hurl. Part of her wondered if she had caught something or maybe, just maybe it was the alcohol finally catching up to her. She hadn't drunk a lot the previous night but even a little made her feel whoozy. It was the only explanation.

But once she had gathered the strength to stand, she flushed the toilet and washed her mouth out in the sink. The stall closed behind her and she moved to the changing rooms, slowly switching out of the obnoxiously orange jumpsuit. Nobody else had headed to the changing rooms yet which meant she was blissful alone as she switched clothes. She grabbed her - Poe's - jacket from the side and put it on as she trudged to her bunk.

She didn't bother turning the light on and instead, collapsed against her bed and curled up. Her body pressed as close to the wall as possible and she used the jacket as a protective layer. Her duvet pulled over her legs as she stared at the wall that she couldn't even see. The darkness had crept into every corner of the room and it leached into her soul as she tried to push away the nauseating dizziness that had infected every atom of her.

When the nausea refused to let up, the tears started again and she pulled her hands over her head. A guttural sob escaping her lips. She wasn't even sure why she was crying. She couldn't put her finger on one single feeling but she just couldn't stop. The tears spilled down her cheeks in ugly fat rivulets that permanently scarred her tanned cheeks. Her body wracked with each sob as she gasped for air. Her whole body was exhausted by it all.

And at some point, the sobbing subsided and was replaced by the warmth of sleep. When Eliana was startled awake by a sudden harsh light in the room, her head twisted harshly and the nausea came back with a terrifying force. The tears still stained her cheeks but the snot had dried up, forcing her to breathe through her mouth as she squinted against the light before closing her eyes. It made her eyes ache.

"Sorry," Poe said. His voice was the only thing that let her know it was him and he let the door close behind him. The harsh light from the corridor disappeared and Eliana could safely open her eyes. She could only vaguely make out his shadow as she pushed against the mattress of the bed. She was technically on Maymie's bed but she knew that the brunette wouldn't care, "I didn't see you with the rest of the squadron." His voice was gentle as he walked over to the night light. It flicked it on and turned it dimmer.

"I was tired," She mumbled. It was a half-truth but Poe knew something more was wrong. When Eliana opened her eyes properly to look at him, he could see the sadness behind her big brown eyes. She tried to hide it but he knew her better than that now.

"Nettie said you left in a hurry. Did something happen?" He asked. Eliana let her head rest against the walls. It was cool compared to her head and it seemed to dampen the nauseating feeling that still lingered in her stomach.

"Felt sick." Eliana wasn't intending to be so useless but she didn't want to talk about it. And her blocked nose just made her feel worse. The mattress dipped when Poe placed himself down on the edge and he looked at her.

"Do you still feel sick?" Eliana nodded in response and he sighed. He leant forward and pressed the back of his hand against her forehead. There was no temperature which was a good thing. She wasn't coming down with anything. All he could chalk it up to was the stress of the mission, the drinking the previous night and the change in gravity.

"I'm fine, Poe. Seriously," She mumbled. He narrowed his eyes and she could only vaguely see it. The dim night light barely lit up his face. Through the gloom all she could see was the mischievous twinkle in his eyes and the stubble that he seemed to have begun to maintain since Eliana had commented that she liked his stubble. He looked gorgeous. The sharp jawline, the very kissable lips but she couldn't.

"Are you still up for Naboo? We're leaving tomorrow," He said. Eliana sighed and turned her head to the side, completely obscuring her face from his view. He reached out and turned her chin back so he could see her face. His eyes bored into hers.

"I am. I'm just tired," She mumbled. He nodded and he watched as she climbed off the bed, circumventing his touch. She scuttered over to the sink and grabbed her toothbrush. She brushed her teeth while Poe rested back against the bed. He didn't want to leave her here alone so instead he watched as he went through her routine.

It was her wind-down routine and even though the day wasn't over, it was for Eliana and he couldn't blame her. It had been a rough day for the squadron and it had been a rough month for her. He had witnessed first hand how everything hit her.

There was something so pretty about her, in his jacket as she brushed her teeth. Her eyes flicked between her mouth and Poe who she could see in the reflection. Her gaze never lingered for too long but he caught it. Admiring her from behind. The messy bed-hair from sleeping without really intending to. The tear-stains that she wiped away once she washed her face after dropping her toothbrush back in its holder. She still looked beautiful even when the exhaustion clung to every feature on her.

"You should probably go back to the squadrons," She mumbled as she pulled the jacket off her shoulders. She dropped it onto the side and then pulled her shirt over her head. She didn't care if Poe was watching and instead, replaced her day shirt with her sleep shirt. It was oversized and she had a feeling that it wasn't hers. But it covered her well enough that she slipped her trousers off without worrying about Poe seeing too much.

But then she felt his hands against her hips. His chest pressed against her back and her eyes closed on instinct. She leant back against him, a soft sigh escaping her lips. She let her eyes close as he moved his hands to wrap around her waist.

"You're wearing my shirt," He whispered in her ear. It sent prickles down her arm. Goosebumps raised along her skin and a flush spread across her chest. Her cheeks burnt a soft pink as she felt his breath against her neck.

"You gave it to me," She mumbled. He chuckled and she could feel the way his chest vibrated with it. There was something so intimate about feeling his laughter like this. Usually, she watched his face and how his eyes would crinkle, the wry smile, the glint of mischief in his eye. This was different. It was better.

"It looks better on you anyway," He admitted. She grinned and turned her head back. Her gaze met his. Their lips were inches apart and the temptation to surge forward and kiss him was strong. But she couldn't. She turned her head back to the wall and she felt as he tilted his head down. His breath was directly against her neck now, "We need to stop playing this game." His lips were so close to her skin and when she felt him press a soft kiss to it, her legs threatened to give out from underneath her. It was such a gentle kiss. His lips barely touched the skin but it made her putty in his arms.

"I'm not playing a game," She mumbled. He huffed and pressed a few more gentle kisses to her neck before he lifted his hand. His finger hooked under the collar of the shirt and he pulled it back slightly. His lips attached to her skin and he sucked a hickey into her neck. It was light, it would vanish in a few days but it was enough to act as a reminder. He nibbled the skin before licking it as an attempt to soothe it before he lifted his head up. He rested his forehead against the back of her head and Eliana didn't know how to react. She was paralysed by it. By him.

"You're making this so hard," She said softly as she tilted her head back. He sighed and used his hands to spin her around completely. The nausea briefly coursed through her before it settled as she looked up at Poe.

"The only person making this hard is you." There was an arrogance to his words. She stared up at him and she was almost baffled by the audacity but she didn't have the heart to be annoyed at him. Not when she could still remember the feeling of his lips against her skin, acting so delicate and unsure. Like he didn't want to cross a boundary.

"Poe," She mumbled softly. He pulled her against his chest and she pulled her hands to rest against his chest on automatic, "I can't be a one time thing." And there it was. The root of everything. The conflict. The worry. In that one simple sentence, Poe understood it all.

"I never wanted you to be," He admitted. Eliana stared at him and there was silence for a long moment. Her eyes desperately searched his face for any signs of insincerity but there was nothing. Nothing to suggest that he was even lying.

She was paralysed by it. By that admittance. He said it in such an un-Poe like way. It was complete honesty and she was jarred. She should have come to expect the unexpected from him but this left her completely lost.

"I haven't flirted with anyone but you and why would I flirt with anyone else?" He wanted to fill the silence. She could tell that he was feeling vulnerable, "Seeing you in my jacket, every single day. Do you know how hard it was not to just beg you to have me? That first day on Coruscant when we met with Senator Bream, the second we got back to our room, I wanted to drop to my knees and beg for you to put me out of my misery. I am consumed by you every second of the day." The confessions made Eliana's head spin and she couldn't listen to it. She couldn't listen to him pour his heart out so she grabbed his face and kissed him.

She would never be able to express to him just how much she understood those feelings because that is what she had felt for weeks, months. Her thoughts were constantly full of him and as she kissed him, she kept him close. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck as he pushed her back against the wall.

But before anything could happen, the door to the bunk whooshed open and Poe took two steps back as soon as it clocked in his mind. Eliana looked past the man and Maymie was at the door. She looked exhausted and unimpressed.

"You better not have done anything to my bed," Maymie mumbled as she crossed the room, completely unphased by the pair. Eliana looked up at Poe and he sent an awkward smile before he dismissed himself. Eliana ignored Maymie's questioning look and climbed into bed, curling up against the pillow.

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