That woman screaming and holding her arm, caught in the blast. She was in my direct line of sight. Looking up to tell the person coming in that they are welcome here, and seeing flames, sounds like an automatic weapon. If it had been a gun, I would have been shot. I was opposite the door. Helping Nikki try to find a shrimp-free plate. I knew which ones hadn't touched shrimp. One of the ones with gyoza as the main course, child friendly plate. Digging through the boxes to try to find one marked with that word, then hearing our bell and looking up, smiling at this mysterious person. 

Screaming with everyone as it went off. It was a few seconds, but I felt like I dropped into the floor. My stomach was on the ground, swooping back up into me as all of myself tried to figure out the wrong. What I was seeing in those few seconds. Every edge of me tingling, the tips of my fingers, toes, my nose. 

All the smoke. Filling everything. Breathing it in deeply as I tried to process, unable to breathe shallowly like I wanted to. Mei's daughter screaming next to us, wanting to calm her, but I was unable to calm myself. Mei, my friend from a long time ago. She painted landscapes and used to sell them on the walls of French Cup. Being so glad to see her again, to see how her daughter grew. Seeing them crying. Wanting to help them. 

The fire alarm went off in my kitchen, but not in the main area. Why not? Now that I thought about it, there was the absence of that sound. How could I have been so careless? Letting that fire alarm expire? Hadn't I been careful? 

Nikki went into protector mode immediately. Jumping up and recovering. But, just as he did Gyeong-Wan ran to the device. Choking, wanting to tell him to get away from it. That it could explode again. We didn't know what it was. Unable to move, shaking as I tried to steady myself. He was so strong, though. He was able to move. He grabbed part of the device and it fell apart in his hands. It didn't make any sense. He made to run out of the door and I was just screaming. Trying to get him to come back. Unable to process why he'd run out of the door. 

The idea to escape myself never came to my mind. Why not? Until Nikki started herding everyone into the back, I had never thought to leave. I helped Mei get her daughter outside and then went back inside. There were others who weren't moving. I saw Ayane on the floor, and Hiran was trying to get her up. But, Ayane couldn't get up. Choking on the smoke, telling me she'd hurt herself in the fall. Shamefully remembering her age, helping her to her feet with Hiran. She was holding her hip, but if she could walk it must not be broken. Thankfully. We helped her outside, her arms over us. But, as soon as they were outside, I raced back in. 

I had no thoughts. Nothing in my mind. Just seeing all those people still inside. All that smoke. None of it was leaving. It was floating stagnant, as if it were trapped. Just like all those people who couldn't move.

It was my fault. I'd wanted to keep French Cup alive when Lady Elizabeth passed away. For her legacy. All the good that French Cup could still do. Begging Nikki to stay, saying we could run it together. We had no money, but the community came together to save it. We became successful. Why did I beg Nikki to stay? It was all my fault. 

I had to get those people out. There were older people not moving, their boxes of food still sitting in front of them. What were we doing here? What was it all for? It seemed stupid now, with all of them still in here. I was able to coax some people outside. They were scared. Crying to me, saying they were confused. Having to smile for them, be friendly. I was just numb. Nothing in my brain. Taking their hands and leading them out, one by one. 

Some guys I didn't know too well came back inside from the patio. They saw what I was doing, and started carrying some people out. One of them slung a young woman fireman carry style over his shoulder and she was like a ragdoll, too in shock at the situation. But, if I thought about it now, had she inhaled too much smoke? Was it messing with her? Could she have been having a medical emergency, and I hadn't known? Could any of them? 

There was so much smoke. The device was still smoldering, something in it making all that smoke. Releasing so much after the initial blast. What was in it that as making all that smoke? If there's one question I want answered, I want to know why it kept releasing smoke. Nikki said it was an attack on us, so had someone made something to hurt us like that? Maybe a cannister of some kind? I couldn't think about that.

I saw Yuko almost last. Sitting next to the door like she had been. Her head was hung low, and she was staring at the floor. She was quiet, sitting still as a statue. I rushed over to her, holding her hands, but she didn't acknowledge me. I said her name so many times, but she didn't act like she'd heard. One of the guys was outside the door, attending to the woman who got burned and her girlfriend, trying to take care of her, but I needed help. I was so sorry, but I needed help...

I went outside, breaking down and sobbing. That numb feeling going away. Suddenly, everything turned on and the situation was real. Unable to get a word out, but pointing inside. Pointing toward my dearest friend. I saw her almost every morning. She was always trying to please me, and I wanted to help her sell her items for more, because she deserved more and the world. Her kindness. I'd asked her to make nian gao. She wouldn't have been there if not for that. Telling her to stay and enjoy the food, and Gyeong-Wan had sat with her. He loved her company, too. Always looking out for her. 

We raced inside and he attended to her. We quickly realized that this was beyond us. Her mouth was half open, and there was nothing in her eyes. Her breathing was shallow and slow. I wanted to get her out of the smoke, we were right next to the device. But, the guy knew her, too. He knew her age. He told me to stay with her, that people outside had made a flurry of calls to emergency services and they'd be there soon. He went back outside to attend to the woman out there, and I was left with Yuko. Starting to beg her, to plead with her. But, eventually trying to assure her. I was here, and we'd get through this together. Above all things, I loved her and we'd go home.

The firetruck came, making a huge noise. It made my heart feel like it was twinging, tingling. Such loud noise. Making my extremities burn again. Making me tremble. They turned off the siren and firefighters came in, examining everything. Two of them came over to me and Yuko, began examining her with their expertise as I stood back. Some firefighters went out to the patio and they loudly directed everyone out of the door in the fence back there, going onto the street. It would lead them back around to our main entrance, but wisely they must have directed them to go the other way. 

When everyone was evacuated, Nikki came rushing back through the door. Firefighters told him to stand back. Three of them were examining the device, crouched close to the ground. Nikki said he was the co-owner, so they didn't mess with him further. He gathered with me and the two firefighters attending to Yuko, eventually massaging her shoulders. Copying my trying to calm her, trying to help. 

The three firefighters carried the device outside, and when it was taken out into the sun I saw it for what it was: a large, tightly bound bundle of spent firecrackers. It was covered in many layers of red paper that was mostly now black, but the explosions of the firecrackers had exposed it for what it was, exploding through the paper.

Firecrackers? It didn't make any sense. Who would do that? Tie them together, wrap them in paper? For what purpose? A bundle that large? 

But, Gyeong-Wan ran through the door at that moment. I wanted to cry immediately. He'd come back. I didn't think he was leaving us, or anything like that. I had no thoughts about that at the time. Not even a "good for you, you got out" or any kind of well-wish. Just worry about him, where he'd been going. Wanting to protect him, too, but not being able to. If he was out there in the wider world, then I couldn't protect him. But, he was there with me again. Trying to attend to Yuko, but Nikki made him go to the counter. I had to focus on Yuko's face. Trying to get her to look up at me, somehow. 

The firefighter said something about her being in shock. I didn't know what that was, but I looked it up when I got home. He must have meant cardiac shock, an early stage. I'd held my phone, so tight that it might break. Breathing in heaves, sobbing like I'd never sobbed, panicking in it. Knowing I caused that. I'd asked her to bring the nian gao. She could die. Her age. It was a factor. To go through that kind of shock, at her age? I caused that. I asked her to be there. 

I laid on my bed, staring at my phone as if it would give me answers. Answers about the day, what had happened. As if it could start speaking to me. But, it never said a word. Throughout the night, I was cold and crying. Unable to think, wanting to see Yuko. Needing to know if she was okay. Wanting to know what I'd done. If I'd killed my friend.