"Slip and slide party!" Nikki screeched up the deserted street as he sashayed, holding up two full bags of Chirp's chicken and fries above his head triumphantly. He was the only one dressed appropriately for this weather, with his long faux mink coat.

"Coming this summer," Miyuki said dramatically and just as loudly, "the Rainbow Edition presents: hundreds of queers, fifty-five gallons of lube, one street. The block party to end them all: Astroglide, the Musical." She made clapping motions in a dance, then jazz hands for even more dramatic effect. 

"I'm totally going to sing for this," Hanako said nearby us, probably intending for just Chidori to hear. 

"Oh my god. Me, too," Chidori giggled. 

My hand went over my face, trying not to react. There was no way that was happening. It was way too dangerous. The giant drum of lube had gone unclaimed at the end of the night, abandoned by the person who had won it. Of course it was. Who the heck would want it?

Evidently, this group of people right here did. 

"It's probably not even good anymore," I called out to them. "It's been sitting in that drum for years, Prin said so."

"Out of the shadows," Miyuki went on even more dramatically, looking back at me with a flick of her head, "comes one villain to destroy them all. A Karen named Kazuya. Can the queers rise up and face this nemesis and throw him down the giant Astroglide slide? Coming to a street near you, June 2023."

Even I had to crack up at that. Next to me, holding my hand entirely too hard, Gyeong-Wan was finally smiling. 

"We're going to need more lube. Think they still sell it online?" Nikki asked Miyuki seriously. 

"I don't know. Let's look on Amazon."

I shook my head, sighing happily as she actually whipped out her phone from her slinky little purse. 

"Are we seriously doing this?" I asked, squeezing Gyeong-Wan's hand assuringly. He hadn't joined in on the conversation. Ever since we'd began reading stories at drag bingo, he'd seemed withdrawn. Not laughing at any of Nikki's jokes, blank faced when Hanako had sung, not even reacting at the end of the night when the drum of lube was revealed as the gag prize. How hard the audience had laughed, needing it. But, Gyeong-Wan had looked like he needed that laugh the most of all. And yet, he hadn't laughed one bit.

The others were deep into their conversations, not listening to me anymore. My bare shoulders were freezing. I hadn't thought Nikki was serious about us going over to his place after drag bingo to watch his favorite movie, but he'd hyped everyone up. We'd gone to Chirp's to get some takeout and Hanako and Chidori had gone into the liquor store to grab some sake and beer. They'd even bought more snacks, chips and things. It was officially a viewing party. 

And yet, all I wanted to do was talk to Gyeong-Wan. How was he feeling? Now that I thought about it, tonight had been really heavy. Nikki had tried to lighten it with jokes like he always did, but the stories this year had been harrowing. Often, there'd be a few stories of fun memories, something people could laugh at, a different kind of way to remember a person. There hadn't been any like that this year. 

As we kept walking, the others' voices faded around me. All of me was focused on Gyeong-Wan. He was new to LGBTQ things. He'd told me that himself yesterday, with being worried about that fact. That he'd wished he'd known more about being LGBTQ when he'd been with his first boyfriend. We'd talked for hours, about various things. His life, his hobbies, memories from when he was growing up. I'd talked about my dad, and he'd held my hands as I told him about how much my dad had meant to me, how he'd changed my direction in life. 

He'd told me that he was going to come out to his girlfriend and in effect break up with her, and how she would most likely tell everyone in his life. This fear he had. 

Was he thinking about that now? Or had the stories at drag bingo affected him to the point where he was now being so quiet? It could be any number of things. I wanted to sit him down and ask him. Maybe he'd open up to me like he had yesterday. 

Nikki's and my apartment building emerged at the end of the street. "My feet are fucking killing me, why is your apartment so far away?" Miyuki groaned.

"Because it's an asshole," Nikki grumbled. "Okay, everybody! Don't slip on the stairs! Third floor!"

"We remember! We were just there!" Chidori called out to him. 

"I know, but just be careful! There might be ice!"

This brought me out of my thoughts, all their yelling. It had to be at least 11PM. I was about to shout to them to be quiet, but realized that I'd be yelling, too. Gyeong-Wan bumped into my side, and I jumped a little.

"Um..." He was using the same, scared little voice that he'd used when he'd asked me to read the story in his shaking hands at drag bingo. It broke my heart. I squeezed his hand, the only thing I could do in front of our friends to assure him. He looked down at the ground, an unsureness in his voice. "Can I take off this corset when we get in there? Um, it's hurting my ribs..."

Oh. Ohhhh. 

Oh my god, was that it? The corset he was wearing? It was his first time with one after all, and this one wasn't tailored to fit him. Some relief came over me, but not all the way. That couldn't be all it was.

"Of course you can," I said, smiling to him. My relief on my face, all the same. He gave me a weak smile, and we were at the steps that Nikki had warned about. I went up and down these every day to get to my own apartment, so it was no big deal for me. But, as I stepped up them, Gyeong-Wan jerked my hand down and I caught the railing just in time. He said something loudly in Korean, most likely a swear.

"Oh- hold your dress up! Like this!" I gasped, turning to see him stepping on his dress. 

"Like this?" Delicately, he pinched the shiny material of his dress with one hand and lifted it, revealing his work shoes underneath. It was so real, these familiar shoes that I saw every day, or iterations of them. These were the black, polished up pair that he liked to wear with cool toned suits. It made me smile further, seeing these reminders of himself underneath.

"Yes, just like that," I assured him even more. I offered my hand again, and he took it. Together we climbed up the stairs slowly. 

As I led him, I was smiling to myself. Strange to smile, after trying to guess what was going through his head. Trying to figure him out, and only finding sad things today. 

The movie was blaring in English as Japanese subtitles displayed on the screen. Gyeong-Wan and I were sitting on the floor against the couch. The others weren't paying attention anymore, playing a loud drinking game called Pin Pon Pan around the kitchen counter. Gyeong-Wan had drank two beers and I'd had one. I hadn't felt much like drinking and it looked like he didn't, either. He was intently watching the movie, and I was trying to pay attention since he was. 

I found myself staring at him instead. He still had his makeup on, having only asked Hanako to help him remove his corset. He was therefore sitting comfortably at least. He looked so different with makeup on, but his profile was the same. The shape of his eyes, the curves of his lips... 

"Um, Kazuya."

I jumped a little as he spoke. He turned to me and he had my full attention. It was like there was no movie playing in the room at all. No loud friends. He gripped my hand, and I held his tightly. That same small voice from earlier, but I heard it anyway. Listening for it above anything else. 

"Are you okay?" I asked too quickly, possibly interrupting him. I had to, though. His eyes... They were scared now. Why? Was he scared...?

His lips opened a little, his eyes cast down. His mouth closed, and he shook his head quickly. 

I knew it, he wasn't doing well. This confirmed it. "What is it? Do you need to talk? You can always talk to me. I promise, I'll listen. Just like yesterday?" Hoping he'd open up. He'd been so quiet...

"Uh, I don't know. I don't- I don't know."

His words were bundled together, almost like a panic. What was going on inside of him? My hands tightened around his, and he stared down at them. "It's okay. Let's go to Nikki's bedroom, okay? It'll be quieter in there."

He nodded quickly at this. Relief went down me like earlier, but it felt even better. So, he wanted to open up about it. I was going to find out what it was. He wasn't going to keep it inside, a habit that he told me he'd had yesterday. 

"Okay, let's go," I said, getting up. He got up with me, no hesitation. 

As we went into the bedroom, the others didn't even notice. They must have had about eight to a million shots each by now, so I wasn't surprised.

In the bedroom, he sat immediately on the bed. It was unmade, and the rest of the room was pretty disheveled to be honest. That was okay, though. As long as we had a quieter place to talk. I sat next to him, our thighs touching. I wanted to touch him. He went for my hands, and our fingers intertwined tightly. A desperate kind of hold.

Unfortunately, I felt him shaking. Why was he shaking? It was just like earlier tonight.

"Are you okay? I know tonight was pretty heavy. Um, I noticed that you seemed overwhelmed. A-are you okay? I should have thought about what was actually going to go on tonight. I know it can be a lot, and-"

He shook his head and I stopped talking. He was the one who needed to talk, not me. 

"No, it's not that. Um, thank you, though, for earlier...when you read the story instead of me. I was too nervous. But, that's not what it... It's..."

This flurry of words. He was panicking. 

"It's going to be okay," I said, taking my hands away and instead wrapping my arms around him. Needing this. It felt so strange to feel his body wearing this fabric rather than the heavy wools and cottons that I usually found it in. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it. You can talk to me about it."

He held me, too. His breath was shaking next to my ear, the full panic setting in. He was quiet for a couple of minutes as we held each other. It was clear that he'd needed this. I closed my eyes, really feeling him. Trying to figure out a way to get him to be okay. What could I possibly do? I needed to know more. 

"She- she saw me!" A new sound from him I'd never heard. This burst of air, his panicked voice. 

"What- who?" I held him even tighter, hearing this. He started shaking worse.

"Seo-Yoon, she- she was there! Outside of French Cup! She saw me!"

My entire world tilted. Not making sense anymore. I released him a little, face to face. "What? Seo-Yoon? Are you sure? When?" 

"Tonight! When you were reading the story and I was holding it!" His quick breaths. Could what he was saying be right?

"What, but- how is that possible? Why would she be there?" I didn't want to sound like I was doubting him. I absolutely wasn't. But it was absurd. And yet, he had to be telling the truth. 

"I don't know! I just- I haven't been answering her messages! She knows I live and work at the Modern! I- I don't- she-" He was breathing heavily, getting worse. "She has money of her own to come here if she wants! Why didn't I think of that before?!"

Oh my god. 

I stroked his back, trying to help. "But, if that was her, she might not have recognized you. You're in drag."

"I don't know. I don't- I don't know."

This was the only card I had to play. To try to ease his fears. I shook my head, trying to smile for him. "She might not have known it was you. You look very different. Hanako did a great job. Your face doesn't look like it's the same shape. Your nose looks a lot smaller, and your eyes seem larger. Eyebrows can change a whole face, too. I bet she didn't recognize you at all." With this, to prove a point, I swept the bangs of his wig aside. Wanting to be tender with him, anything to help him calm down. 

It had the opposite effect. I gasped and my heart broke into a million pieces as he burst into panicked tears. His face collapsing in his stress. He half fell into me, his arms holding me anew, his face on my chest, his curled back making him seem smaller. My arms automatically went around him, holding him so tight.

"I don't- I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here! I'm scared. Kazuya, I'm sc-..." He swallowed hard in his tears and I felt his jumping body against mine. I held him tighter, trying to protect him. "I'm scared! I'm scared!" He wailed in this, not trying to hide it. Letting it out to me, all that I'd wanted. 

As I held him in my arms, I felt his tears on my chest. Rolling down into my dress. So very many tears. 

After a while, I did the only thing I could think to do. Trying for him, when I had no solutions. Very gently and with all of my love, I began to whisper into his ear. Holding him as he was shaking, telling him how sorry I was. That I was here for him, whatever he needed. That I wouldn't leave. I told him that it was going to be okay over and over, and that I'd be by his side. That if we needed to come up with a plan to tell her what she needed to know, we could do it together. He didn't need to be alone in this. He didn't ever need to be alone.