All day was spent in the world of yesterday. Thinking about him, what he'd said to me. I want to help you. Okay, then talk to me. It wasn't so easy, but he sounded like he understood that. He said he knew how hard it can be. What had he gone through himself? Were we similar? It made me stare into space as I stood at the front desk of the hotel. 

This thought. How similar were we? He seemed so free to me, but as I got more familiar with this world I was learning that maybe it wasn't so easy as he made it seem. That there's bravery involved. All those people at Zombie Walk had been brave, then they'd gotten torn down. That was only one example in the many I'd learned. He was brave, too. Maybe he was the bravest of them all, dressing how he likes and owning a business. Running that business the way he wants to, sometimes refusing service to others who don't treat him and his friends with respect. 

Respect. That word. Demanding respect as a LGBTQ person. It was a new concept to me. When people saw me now, I got respect automatically. But, maybe as a LGBTQ person, you had to demand it. Maybe, it's a constant fight. I couldn't say that didn't scare me. But, that's where the bravery comes in. Maybe, every day he had to be brave. Maybe...I do, too. 

Perhaps that bravery starts with opening up to him. 

It took me all day to conclude this, and it was scary. But, it made me curious. How he might respond. Showing him my world. I'd opened up once before, and it led to all of this. Telling him I'm gay. It was still new to me to fully admit it to myself, but he readily accepted it. So fast. It was impossible to me how fast he'd been more than fine with it. It was like magic, telling the right person. 

But, the other things he'd been saying yesterday. About my family and Seo-Yoon. It gave a me gray feeling to think about. A nothingness there, like it wasn't real. If there was a bridge to the other side, the bridge wasn't there. The other side was impossible, and strangely numb. Like it had disappeared, but surely it must be there. 

Maybe it was a signal that I wasn't ready. Not even a non-desire to deal with it. Was I ignoring it? Hoping it would go away? These were among my thoughts as I helped guests and sent them on their way. All those people, going on with their lives. I was going on with mine, but there was that static place across the bridge, unchanging. 

I wanted to talk to him about it. That I knew. There was a shyness about it, tentative feelings. He'd probably be open to it as he'd said yesterday, but it was complicated. It would take a long time to explain. But, there wasn't any doubt that he'd understand. That was the strange part. I'd never had that sureness before about anybody. No judging, but maybe a gentle conversation. 

As I thought about it more, individual family members entered my mind. Analyzing their reactions. Various cousins, aunts, uncles. With my father it was a brick wall on the island. No way to penetrate that idea. With my mother, there was an immediate nervousness. She was still trying to contact me. I was her only child, her only son. She'd been much more involved with my life than my father. 

The idea of disappointing her...I couldn't go any further in that thought. Had to steer away from it. Talk to a guest, give them a new card key. Address a guest's concern about their room. Check in a family who has a pet. Clean up the desk. Forget. 

The only assurance I had was that maybe Kazuya might be able to help me figure this out. But, there was embarrassment, too. Unsureness. Not at him, but at myself. The unsureness might be fear. 

By the time 3PM came around, my mind was a soup that I was swimming around in. Looking for the rim of the bowl to climb out, but there were too many obstacles in the way. 

I'd arrived at French Cup, my feet taking me there automatically. Wanting to see him. My confusion was absolute upon seeing Hanako and Chidori behind the counter. They'd explained to me that Nikki was under the weather and Kazuya was at the little grocery store helping out. They said there might be a bug going around, because Mr. Nguyen was also not feeling well and therefore his wife was home taking care of him. I bought a pastry called a kouign-amann and stuffed it in my mouth as I left the door, facing into the bitter cold wind back the way I came. It was absolutely delicious.

In no time I'd passed the hotel and arrived at the little grocery store. The rotisserie in the window today was rotating ducks. It made my mouth water even though I'd just stuffed a lovely pastry into myself. Maybe I was more hungry than I'd thought. I turned right toward the cash registers and rounded a corner.

To my delight, Kazuya was there helping an older woman check out. He was wearing a light purple button up shirt and dark pants with a black apron over it all. Mr. Nguyen always wore a black apron, too. It was strange seeing Kazuya without his light blue and white vertical striped apron when at work. 

When his eyes alighted on me, the way his face lit up made me grin automatically. It was the same as in French Cup. Like there was a sun behind his face and his smile was all that sunshine concentrated. 

"Gyeong-Wan!" He called out, waving with both hands. I waved back, but didn't make a fuss since he was paying attention to the customer in front of him. She must have had a big family, because her cart was full to the brim. Though, with what they sold here it wasn't hard to do that. It made me immediately wonder how heavy it must all be.

That's how I found myself helping her bring her things to her car. Kazuya had grinned at me as I offered, pleasing him. But, it was the right thing to do. After I'd helped her out, she bowed to me and went on her way as I waved to her. It felt good. 

When I got inside, a lot more people were in line. Wordlessly, I went behind the other cash register. People assumed I knew what I was doing and went into my line. Kazuya was eying me curiously, but going on checking people out. As soon as I saw the register, I knew it must be a piece of cake. I used a register to check people out at our little hotel store. This system looked intuitive, too, kind of like a self check out is.

In no time, we were working together in tandem. It made my whole body feel light. Strangely light. Peering at him over there, chatting with customers about their purchases and their lives. I didn't offer my customers the same, but they all seemed to know I was new at this. Some guided me, such as when I didn't know how to look up vegetables to add them to their bill. They were all very kind. 

Eventually, I began asking them shy questions. If I noticed an accent, I'd ask them where they were from. I got replies that meant a lot to me. Oh, I'm from Hyogo. I'm from Kuala Lumpur. Someone said they were from Beijing, and I started speaking Chinese to them. They went, "ohhh! You're very good at it!" and we chatted, smiling the whole time. He told me about his children and showed me pictures. I waved to him as he left, grinning at each other. 

By the time I noticed Yuko in front of me I was a pro. She was holding a double box of strawberries and a large bag of uncracked chestnuts that she'd picked herself out of a large and fresh display of loose ones. No doubt she'd picked the best, most likely containing knowledge that none of us could fathom. 

"Yuko, what are you making with those?" Kazuya called over to her. There was a customer in front of him, but the customer looked interested, too. 

"Daifuku!" 

My mouth immediately watered. I'd had daifuku before in packaged form, but hers would be fresh. I made a mental note to go in the morning and try to get my hands on some. As she spoke to Kazuya and the customer about how she'd make the chestnut daifuku, I began ringing up her purchases. 

The strawberries were easy, but the chestnuts...

They continued to speak for a while, really getting into it. "Yes, yes. The glutinous rice itself will be chestnut flavored, and there will be a surprise chestnut inside. I find this is the best way. Children like to take the little chestnut out separately and finish the mochi, then chew the chestnut itself afterward. I always make it that way, because I know they want the chestnut at the end."

My fingers were touching the screen, but it was...

"They don't take the strawberry out of the daifuku, though. I don't know why. Maybe it's more satisfying to eat it as the rice squishes."

"Ohhh, Yuko. I want to eat a strawberry daifuku now. I can't wait." Kazuya made a moaning sound, making a slight blush appear on my cheeks. My eyes were already as wide as they could go, though, my finger now hovering over the screen as I froze. 

"Please come by in the morning. I will give you fresh ones. They are the best when fresh."

"I will, I will! Ahhh, fresh strawberry daifuku in the morning!"

The customer put her hand on her hip, her purchases already in the bags she'd brought. "I'll have to come by, too. My children will want some. Please make plenty." She was speaking so formally, with utmost respect.

"I will, indeed."

My hand was over my mouth and my finger stayed pointing at the screen, the upper part of my face furrowed in conf-

"Gyeong-Wan?" Kazuya asked all of a sudden.

I looked over to him, my hand slipping from my mouth. It hung open as all three of them stared at me. "Huh?" 

Yuko leaned over and peeked at my screen. Immediate laughter went up from her, such a warm laugh. "Oh my. I didn't think I was buying quite that many chestnuts. How many are in the bag?" She was obviously joking, maybe trying to ease my tension. I appreciated it, but-

"What? How many?" Kazuya gave a hand gesture excusing himself to his customer. She nodded and gazed over at what was going on with Yuko and I. My blush only increased. Now my predicament was out in the open. 

He went behind the register with me and I knew I was blushing worse since he was so unexpectedly close. He slid next to me, smiling. So cute. It was so small in here, almost touching him. Not wanting to avoid him. But, in that same moment he was giggling. That grin hit me like a firework, brilliant and glittering. It made my own arrive without my knowing it, finding myself doing it automatically. 

Seeing him here. Behind a cash register with him. It made me... That lightness inside was unlike anything I'd ever felt. Wanting to take his hand to keep me from floating away.

"Gyeong-Wan, what did you do?!" He giggled. He snickered into his hand, and now I was so glad I'd made the mistake. "Nine hundred and ninety-nine chestnuts! Yuko could make daifuku for all of Japan!"

"I think perhaps I have less than that," she estimated, still joking with me, poking at them in their large clear bag on the counter. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't know how to cancel it. Then, I just kept pressing the button. Why did I think it would change the outcome?" Even though they were teasing me, strangely my smile wasn't going away. 

"Did you think the counter would start over?" Kazuya was now showing me a very intuitive solution to my problem. It was so simple that I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it. However, he wasn't making me feel stupid, though.

Strangely in the moment, my mind wandered to my earlier thoughts at the hotel. About my family... In this same situation, my father would be slinging insults at me. Why would you do that? Are you simple? Obviously that wasn't the correct way. Next time, I expect you to be able to figure it out on your own! Just like when I was in school...

As Kazuya giggled and pressed the number counter back by pressing the other side of the picture of chestnuts, he only made me think about how different he was from anyone I knew. It was true, he wouldn't judge me. He was making light of this mistake. In fact, he made light of all of my mistakes. There was never any fear of him retaliating at me, judging me as a man who is weaker since I make so many mistakes. These mistakes were seen as a plus, something to make him laugh. Ever since I'd knocked over his chocolate display, this was the case. Strange that I hadn't realized it before.

As he got the counter back down to a reasonable number, he began estimating how many chestnuts were in the bag out loud. He invited the other customer to throw guesses. It was like one of those games where you guess the correct number and get a prize. As they slung answers to each other, I found myself grinning for a different reason.

Watching him smile again at one of my mistakes. Him telling me yesterday that I could tell him anything. Thinking about my family, and how far away they were. That bridge to the island still gray and numb. 

I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know. This wanting... It was the simplest thing I'd ever concluded. 

When Yuko's purchases were correctly tallied up, Kazuya paid for them. Yuko protested, but there was no argument. He held her hands and said he wanted to do it, and she was so touched. I offered to bring her purchases back to her shop with her. It was so many chestnuts and strawberries, after all. She said it was only a short walk, but I was already holding her big canvas bag and I wasn't going to give it to her. She bowed to me and I bowed back, this silent thanks between us.

As I waved to Kazuya and the other customer, I was smiling. Smiling so light and free.