Holding hands strolling around Odaiba. Watching the giant Gundam while open mouthed as it moved, being alerted due to the crowd already around it. Eating at the mall, somehow not a dream. Sitting together and watching the water. 

He'd never been to Odaiba before. He hadn't ventured much out of our neighborhood, so everything new amazed him and everything was new. There was a mini Statue of Liberty and we watched it for a long time, marveling at it. He'd seen the real one in New York City when he was little. Telling me this story as we looked at the fake one together. Where else had he been? Maybe lots of places. This feeling of wanting to go lots of places with him. What would he be able to show me?

Walking around and not getting tired or cold. His hand warm in mine all day, unashamed. Some of the Christmas lights were on during the day, but if he didn't get tired or want to go home, we could stroll around among the lights. Secretly, I wanted this the most. How romantic it would be...

But all day... His fingers in mine, our gloves touching and wishing it was bare skin. He has a girlfriend. Watching him eat Wendy's. He has a girlfriend. Him telling me a funny story about how Kuro is adjusting to life indoors, a new scratch on his arm that I absolutely had to check over, my heart melting. He has a girlfriend.

We were walking together again now. 

"I gave him the wet food. He did scarf it down. Thank you. I was hoping he might like me more because of it, but so far no." He was smiling in the fading sun, swinging our hands together like a breeze. 

"Oh." My mind too preoccupied. These thoughts getting worse throughout the day. The idea of him walking the same space with her, whatever she looked like. How close were they? What was she like? He'd said he didn't like her much and didn't want her in his life, but as far as I knew they were still together.

That didn't sit right with me. He'd called this a "date" yesterday. But, how was it a date when he wasn't single? It was true that he didn't want to be with her, but they were still "together". He hadn't made any moves to break up with her, as far as I knew. And I couldn't ask. It was too sensitive. 

As we walked and more lights blinked on, it weighed more on me. It would definitely be too sensitive to ask him why he hadn't broken up with her. He'd been kind enough to tell me. But, the way he told me... We'd been about to go further. He'd sprung it on me when we'd be about to... Did that mean he felt guilty? Telling me that way... There'd been an almost physical barrier there that night with this information. Yet now, we were walking together so freely on a "date". What had changed? Had he broken up with her and didn't tell me? What was making him comfortable now, when before he'd blocked me? 

There was music streaming in from somewhere. Romantic music. Something about it made my hips want to rock back and forth, start dancing with him. His nose was pointed toward the air like it was a nice smell instead, inquisitive. I found him looking at me and smiling. He stopped, and I stopped with him. 

I wasn't mad at him. Not at all. Just confused... I couldn't be mad at him for this. Instead, it was a strange numbness. Not wanting to go forward unless I knew the answer. Even this felt fake, this "date". Maybe "fake" wasn't the word. It just didn't feel real. He had a girlfriend...

It was painful.

"This is a Korean song," he said, his finger twirling in the air to the rhythm. My ears opened fully, listening. Sure enough, they were Korean words in the distance. 

"Oh." Somehow, I couldn't smile though he was smiling. Betraying my face.

"Are you okay?" He'd noticed. Of course he did. He held both my hands, in this big open space. So many people walking by. Families. Couples. I wanted to be a couple... It surprised me, but. Instead of a good feeling, it was only a painful one. This longing. Yearning. A small crying inside, barely there, but there.

I nodded vigorously. Lying. My hand wiggled free and I pointed, needing to come up with an excuse. Not looking at him. "The Ferris Wheel. Um. I was thinking about the famous Ferris Wheel here. Want to ride it? Before it gets dark, maybe. Oh, I don't know if there's going to be a line. What should we do? Um..." It was there in the distance, just like the music. The swirling lights of it were already on in the twilight. Too stupidly romantic.

"I was thinking about it, too." His pleased smile, showing his adorable dimples. But, even they were causing this sad feeling.

It was telling me that I couldn't have him. He was already taken. All of this wasn't real. 

He was already half pulling me in that direction. I'd ridden it before with Nikki. We'd had so much fun on it, in one of the glass pods. We'd waved to people down below and some had waved back. He'd made a show of it, acting ridiculous. I'd laughed and laughed.

How different it was now. 

We walked for a while, and it was even worse since it gave me time to think. He was off in his own world, too, looking at everything. He was so cute, getting excited about the littlest things. I wanted to join in, but... Where was his girlfriend right now? What was she doing? Was she missing him? Had they fallen out and she didn't care about him? Or was she just being led on, just like... No, that couldn't be the case. Gyeong-Wan wasn't like that. 

But, the more I thought about it, just how much did I know about Gyeong-Wan? I knew he seemed nice. He was very accepting of LGBTQ things, and he told me he was gay. That part of it seemed authentic. Nobody could fake those tears. His emerging like a new fawn into our world. I'd watched it. There was no way he could have faked that. So, this girl he had in Korea. She might not know about him. What was he going to do? 

As we neared the Ferris Wheel, my brain had gone sympathetic somehow and it was only causing more of my sad feeling. Sad for him now and his situation. He'd said I was the only one he'd ever told about himself. That had to mean she didn't know about him. Would he tell her? If it were me, I don't think I'd be able to... The embarrassment and pain I'd feel. Worry that she'd tell others. It sounded like where he came from was very conservative. How much was this going to destroy his life?

As we got our tickets for the Ferris Wheel, it was only sadness for him now. Shame about how I'd felt all day. Being sort of mad at him for having a girlfriend still when he was taking me here. If I could take it all back and just enjoy our time together... 

What was he going to do? Would he break up with her and never tell her? But, then there was his whole world back in Korea. Would he tell them? Telling people, and knowing they'd most likely have a bad opinion. It was terrifying to me. I couldn't imagine it and I didn't want to. My own mother hadn't been intensely warm to me about my own sexuality, but her stance was that I'm her son and she loved me no matter what. For him, he might not get as favorable as a reception, and my mom's wasn't even that kind. 

The Ferris Wheel attendant opened our Ferris Wheel pod door for us and we entered it. It had a long semi-circle bench seat built into it. Perfect for a few people, but for us two it was cozy. With the now purple sky, it was too romantic for my thoughts. He sat on the left, and I sat across from him. Physically worried about being too close to him. These thoughts such a jumble in my mind, translating to my body.

He immediately scooted all the way over to me. An almost laughing expression on his too handsome face. His warm, navy blue sweater. I was suddenly so chilly. His arm went around my back, pressing me to him as we ascended. The views, the Rainbow Bridge showing its name by going rainbow colored. The Christmas lights below, glowing up at us. The water being gentle and silent from up here in our pod. 

"Are you okay?" He asked me again. He was definitely noticing how cold I was being to him. I didn't know what to say. So, I didn't say anything.

I shook my head instead. Staring down at my lap. 

"Oh." He didn't move, though. Wanting to be close to me. I wanted him to be close to me, too, but all of this on my mind. Not able to enjoy the moment. What was he going to do? What was he really going to do? "Do you want to talk about it? Does your stomach hurt, maybe? I know fast food can sometimes not settle right."

"I'm fine." Needing to assure him. Not wanting him to be worried. If all of this was on my mind, it must be on his mind ten fold. I only had what I could imagine on mine. What were his realities? I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't know where to start. And this was such an inappropriate place.

"Are you? You don't seem fine."

Was that right? Had he noticed that much? But...of course he did. He was sensitive as always. Gyeong-Wan... He was always staring at me on normal days. Catching his shy look, that smile. On a day like today, we were alone together. He must be watching me much more than usual.

I shook my head again. Not able to hide it anymore. He was too observant. He was... 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Asking again. Such a kind voice. Understanding... But it wasn't me that I wanted to talk about. And we were here, high in the sky together. I should have been enjoying it. It wasn't right.

"Um... I was... I was thinking about you."

"About me?" That kind smile. He was impressed by this. But, they weren't positive thoughts. It broke my heart. I nodded, and he pressed the side of his head to mine briefly. So cute. "What about me?"

"Um, about what you go through. Um... What you'll have to go through with your family. And um...with your girlfriend."

He paused, staring off into the distance opposite us. Into the abyss, how high up we were. He came back in about a minute. "Oh. Yeah, I know... I don't know what to do about it."

My hand slipped into his. He stared down at it, that smile gone. To think, I'd caused that. It broke my heart again. But, that look gave me an idea. Knowing that what I was saying was true. His confirmation just now. He didn't know what to do about it, either. 

My thumb glided over his glove, this suede material. Wanting it to be his skin. Still wanting that, even though all of this pain was there. Less my pain now, but more so his. Mostly his. Wanting to help him. My heart breaking for him.

"I want to help you." Slow words, but all of my meaning there. Needing this. "Whatever you need, I want to help you. I know how hard it can be, but for you it must be harder. I want you to talk to me. I want to know more about you. Please talk to me." My voice becoming desperate and not meaning to. He'd come to French Cup early in the mornings lately. Waiting for me like a lost puppy, that sad look in his eyes. Something was happening, and whatever I was doing wasn't enough. I needed to do more. I- I needed... I needed to be there for him. Whatever he needed or was going through. I needed to be there for him.

"I want to." He let out a slowly escaping sigh, one of relief maybe. His face eased, and I only wanted to touch him. Let him know that he is loved. Even though he was having a hard time, I wanted to let him know he is loved. Any feelings I had from before of being betrayed, they were completely gone like being washed away in the rain. Only sympathy now, needing him to be okay. Loving him. Wanting him to be happy. 

"Okay, then talk to me. I'll listen." 

At this, without any hesitation, he put his head on my shoulder as if settling to sleep on it. But, instead it was a closeness. His warm skin and hair, what I'd been wanting all day. Instead of taking off a glove, here was this and it was perfect. 

He was perfect. 

As twilight turned into the night, the purple into the night sky, the Christmas lights cheerfully blinked on. Popping up underneath us like little rainbow colored fireflies. Heralding us into a holiday night, overly romantic, but now my feeling matched it. Loving him for who he is, and nothing else.