I think the best when I'm swimming. So the next morning before anyone else is up, I grab a costume and one of Veronica's many spare towels then sneak down to the pool, getting there just as it opens.

At first I think of nothing and I just keep swimming length after length. But then I start treading water and my mind speeds up and suddenly I'm thinking of everything. Of what Hannah said last night, Chloe my mom and her weird text, of how I need to talk to Candela when we get home, of Reese, my dad, my grandma, my job, swimming, training, college. There's too much.

It's overwhelming, so I distract myself by sitting at the bottom of the pool. And then all I can think of is not drowning, which works, kinda. I mean everything is still on my mind but I don't have much oxygen, so I can't really think about it all.

Everyone's awake and running around when I get back upstairs. It's early and we planned to go to Montauk today so I'm not surprised to see everyone. I am surprised however, at how chaotic it still is when I'm out of the shower. There are way too many torture devices disguised as beauty tools on my way back to the living room and yes, I trip over every single one. It's a miracle I'm even able to stand after falling onto the hardwood floors three times.

"You okay there?" Hannah asks after I fall over another thing, something electric this time. I look up from the floor and see her smirking at me.

She's sitting on the couch with Clementine curled around her shoulders, folding her laundry. Her hair's wrapped up in a towel on her head and she's got some dust underneath her eyes.

"You got a little something there, ashy." I say, gesturing to my own eyes. "Need some moisturiser?"

"My makeup's baking, old man." She huffs. "Now come on, your clothes won't fold themselves!"

"And I'm the old man?"

She sticks her tongue out at me as I move to sit next to her. Unfortunately, I sit right on another one of those torture devices and I let out a loud yelp.

"What the hell is this?" I grab something that looks like a pair of scissors. Only instead of blades, there's a pressing down thing that doesn't look comfortable.

"Ashley! Nate found your eyelash curler!" She hollers. Ashley runs into the room and snatches it from me before running out again. She calls a thank you as she leaves.

I can't even picture her using it on her eyelashes, so I stop trying to. Hannah and I fold our clothes together and put them away. Even though we're planning on leaving Tuesday morning, she mentioned getting packed so we're not dragging our feet before we have to go. I agreed because I've had enough of New York for right now.

"You good with Montauk?" Hannah asks as she brushes the dust from underneath her eyes. "I know you hate the beach."

"Yeah, it's fine." I lie. It was Veronica's idea last night and I didn't want to be a downer today so I agreed to be the designated driver. "Everyone wants to go."

"Okay. Well, I was reading about it –"

"Do you ever take a day off reading something?"

"No, I don't. I was reading about Montauk and an article said there's a few hiking trails over there. Since I'm not getting into the water and you hate the beach, I figure we can go on a hike to the lighthouse?" 

That actually sounds like a great compromise. The more wet sand I avoid the better. "Sure."

It takes another half hour for everyone to be ready to go, and then another five minutes for Clementine to finally let go of Hannah. The cat ends up coming with us actually, curled up in Hannah's lap as she sits in the backseat of my car. Chloe sits up front for this drive.

It's kind of weird having her there, controlling the music, messing up my Rubik's cube even more. I have half a mind to ask Hannah to take over but she's locked in an intense conversation in the back with Veronica and Ashley about how important it is to be earnest or something like that.

"I'm so glad you're here." Chloe says after about an hour, abandoning the cube in her lap. "And we're doing this. Promise we'll take photographs?"

"Sure." I smile. "I like your hair."

She used one of the electronic torture devices to make it straighter, so I figured I should give her a compliment on it. But then she grins at me in response, and it's a bit different from the grins I'm used to, so now I'm thinking about what Hannah said yesterday and I resolve that I'm using my 'wily tricks' on her even though I don't mean to. And then I get really tense and stressed and I know I shouldn't, and I hate the fact that I'm focusing on thinking really hard when I should just be focusing on driving.

"My birthday's a weekend this year." She says while I'm trying to focus on driving again. "I'm thinking of coming home that weekend, actually, my internship will be over and it'll be the last chance I get to visit before the fall semester."

"Oh, that's a good idea. I bet your mom misses you."

"Only my mom? Not you?"

I'm careful about choosing my next words. "Well, you know I miss you a bunch too, Chlo."

"Yeah. I know." She says. "Okay, that's settled. We should go get some ice cream at that place you work that weekend. And catch a movie! Oh, and we can see if –"

"Nate." Hannah says, her head popping in between the front seats. She surprises me but I manage to keep the car under control. "Do you know where I kept my ukulele, Ash wants a serenade."

"Um, I think it's in the car boot."

"Sorry Ash." She sits back. "Guess I'll serenade you when we get to the beach."

Ashley lets out a loud sigh. "I've waited almost twenty years already, what's another two hours?"

Next to me, Chloe giggles. "Didn't you get that boy Justin to serenade you that time in our dorm room? Girl, this isn't new territory to you at all, is it?"

They launch into a discussion about their college adventures, taking the attention of the car. Other than the occasional gasp or 'no way', I'm pretty much left alone for the whole drive. At some point, Hannah and I make eye contact with each other through the mirror and she sticks her tongue out at me. I can't just pull a face like I want to but I do smile.

☼ ☼ ☼

I've never been to Montauk before, but when we get there I immediately feel peaceful. Sure, there's sand everywhere as soon as we get out of my car but I can handle just a little bit of it for the view ahead of us.

"Woah, this place is spectacular!" Hannah says, holding Clementine in her arms. "Look at that view!"

"Right? Damn, you think we could surf here, Nate?" Chloe asks as I'm getting stuff out of the boot.

"Uh, probably." She's standing right in the way of the sun, so I have to shield my eyes to look at her properly. "You could probably rent a board somewhere or something."

"Aren't you gonna come with me?"

I go back to the boot, packing up all the messy PB&J sandwiches and juice pouches we gathered for today. The sandwiches were Veronica's idea to save money and she made way too many. There's no way we're gonna eat all of these, especially since they're warm now too. 

"No, me and Hannah are gonna go to the lighthouse." I grumble as I find her ukulele underneath some more sandwiches. They're leaking out of the bag and onto my car interior. "Kenick, come get your stupid ass ukulele."

Hannah bounces over and takes it from me, then bops me on the back with it. "My ukulele isn't stupid and stop calling me Kenickie."

"Kenickie."

She bops me again, harder. It doesn't hurt but the uke makes a loud twanging sound.

"You're going on a hike to the lighthouse?" Chloe asks. I forgot she was even around. "Since when?"

"It was Hannah's idea because I hate sand, remember?" I finally find what I was initially looking for, my backpack. It has jelly stains on it. "Ah crap. Where's Hannah? Chloe, do you have any –"

"You didn't tell me you were hiking!"

I look to her, semi-distracted and with sticky fingers. But then I catch sight of the frown on her face and the pout twisting her lips and I focus on her fully.

"I didn't think it was a big deal?" I say slowly. She folds her arms and scoffs. "Come on, you know I hate the beach, did you think I was gonna sit down with wet sand on my ass and just pretend to enjoy myself?"

"Yeah? For me?"

"Chloe, I wouldn't do that for anybody, not even my mom."

"But I'm your best friend!"

"Does that suddenly trump mother? She routinely reminds me that she brought me into the world, so I don't -"

"You don't hate the beach with me, do you?" I consider this. She smacks me on the arm and I sigh loudly, heavily. "It's like you don't even want to spend time with me, what the hell! You've been here all weekend and I barely get your attention!"

"Who told you that? I literally came up here for you!"

"And yet you've ignored me all weekend!"

"I'm not ignoring you, I'm talking to you right now."

"But I have to force you to hang out with me. That's the same as ignoring me."

"No, you really don't, and no it's not. What are you talking about?" My hand slips back to the jelly and I groan. "Can we talk about this later? I need to get this shit off my bag."

"No." She folds her arms. "We can't talk about this later, you're going on a stupid hike with Hannah later and I'm not gonna be there. So we gotta talk about it now."

"No, we don't."

"We do! You aren't –"

"It's not this deep, Christ, Chloe. Get over it."

She closes her mouth and just blinks at me. I'm so irritated I don't even care and start walking away to look for Hannah and her baby wipes. Of course, she's serenading Ashley with her dumb ass ukulele so I have to wait for that to be done before I can clean off my backpack. Chloe joins us and she looks furious. I know I should probably care because I'm the one that pissed her off, but she's pissed me off too so the way I see it, we're even.

"Are you okay?" Hannah whispers as I clean my backpack.

"Chloe just threw a fit at me because we're not gonna be on the beach." I scrub at the jelly stain. "And I need a new backpack, this looks horrible and I don't wanna carry it around. Why did we pack these stupid sandwiches? There's literally a whole bunch of restaurants in front of us we can get lunch at."

"Woah." She takes a step away from me. "Are you hungry?"

"What?" I ask. "Why are you asking me that?"

"You're in a terrible mood. You're only ever slightly annoyed when you're hungry, or like, I don't know, hungry?"

I frown. My stomach answers for me.

"Gotcha." She nods. "We should get some seafood. You like fish, don't you? Don't answer that, Fish boy, I know you do – VERONICA! I have a really rad idea!"

Hannah runs away back to the group of girls before I can think up an answer. She says something that makes them squeal and then they all start heading over. I avoid looking at Chloe because I'm still annoyed, and walk ahead of her.

We get burgers and sushi for lunch (not together of course), sitting by the water and talking. My backpack still has that awful stain on it but Hannah was right, I was irritated because I was hungry because I'm practically a changed man by the time we get out of the restaurant. No really. I don't even care much when Clementine scratches the hell out of my hand and I've gotta wear an obnoxiously pink Hello Kitty band aid because it was the only thing in Ashley's first aid kit.

The sun beats down on us as we step outside again.

"Well! Me and the dweeb are gonna go see the lighthouse museum." Hannah says. "Any of you wanna join?"

"Absolutely not." Ashley teases. "Who comes to the beach to see a museum?"

"Me and the dweeb?" Hannah responds. The two of them start giggling while the rest of us struggle to figure out what's so funny.

We finally split up, Chloe, Ashley and Veronica in one party and Me, Clem and Hannah in the other. Even though it's still stupid sandy, the hike is cool, and Hannah and I just talk about stupid stuff as we walk up the path, like twizzlers and books. I get a bunch of sand in my sneakers and I have to stop on a rock to get it all out.

"I hate sand." I grumble.

"You've said that like a billion times. Ain't he said that a billion times, Clemmy Clue? Yes he has, you right baby girl, you cutie patootie!"

While Hannah makes baby talk, I give her and the cat a dirty look. She doesn't even react.

"Hey, do you wanna get some ice cream?" I ask, reading one of the signs. There's an ice cream stand just a short walk away and I'm suddenly craving some frozen goodness. Eating healthy isn't worth it when you don't have ice cream to back it up. Not that I've been eating healthy. "When was the last time we got ice cream?"

"Days ago. Aren't you lactose?" I shrug but then nod. "I don't want you to be farting up a storm on the drive home, it'll really hit because I'm sitting in the back."

"About that..." I kick a rock. "Can you sit with me up front on the way back? I don't really wanna be exposed to Chloe more than necessary."

"She tell you she has feelings for you?" The look on my face makes her laugh. "You still mad because she 'threw a fit'?"

"Yeah, kinda. Since you said she's 'into me' I've been feeling some type of way around her. I don't like it."

"Oh Nate, you Casanova." She says.

"Any advice?" I push. I can see the ice cream stall up ahead, and I'm seriously considering stopping even though she said no.

She scoffs. "No? Do I look like every man in the world falls in love with me when they look at me?"

"Hannah, I have something to tell you. I think I have feelings for you."

She stops and stares at me, genuine fear in her eyes. Her mouth slowly opens and her free hand falls to her side. I struggle to keep my face serious but try for as long as I can until a bubble of laughter slips out and my mouth twists and she realises I'm being stupid, per usual.

"Get outta here!" She says, shoving my arm. I laugh even harder. "You really had me going for a second there! I was honestly thinking about the way to let you down gently and had come to the conclusion that I had to throw Clementine at you!"

I am doubling over, bent down, laughing. "You should've seen your face! You looked horrified!"

"I was horrified! Stop laughing!" She starts laughing too. "God, you're such a turd!"

"Turd? What are you, seven?" She laughs even harder. "That wasn't even that funny!"

"I know, it's just – Nate, you really almost killed me then!"

We stand there laughing for a good minute, despite the situation not even being that funny anymore and despite all the people walking past us on the trail. I wipe the tears from my eyes and sigh, the way you do after a great big belly laugh that fills you with good energy.

"We are so stupid." Hannah says, stretching her arms. "Especially you. I can't stand you."

"Don't stand on my account."

That earns me another laugh, and also a slug in the arm.

☼ ☼ ☼

Hannah and I stay at the lighthouse museum for way longer than necessary. I've never been one to care about things like lighthouses and stuff but it's pretty cool there, and the view you get from the top is something special. If it wasn't for the fluffy white clouds the sea would blend in with the sky in one endless ocean of blue and stretch out forever. I really like it.

We buy matching t shirts and mini telescopes that let us see the blurring horizon before we start heading back. It's not late yet but the sky has gone a golden colour, signalling sunset is soon.

"I hate the beach." I say when we get to the beach, sighing loudly. We've already spot Chloe and her friends, chilling by a huge sandcastle they must've built.

"Oh my God, here he goes again." Hannah sighs equally as loud. "We get it, dude. You hate the beach."

"But do you, though?"

"Yes! The sand is wet and makes you feel weird. The water isn't what you're used to, seaweed creeps you out, blah, blah, blah."

"I never said blah, blah, blah."

"You might as well have. Hey girls!"

They look up when they see us coming and greet us with smiles and hellos. We're forced to sit down for a bit, watch the tide go out. There are so many seagulls and bigger birds here, flying high and then diving to pick out something from a dune or bully some tourists. I'm weary about their closeness.

I avoid making eye contact with Chloe, even when she speaks. It's only when we're about to leave and Hannah's making a speech to Clementine about how cute and precious she is and blah, blah, blah, that Chloe sidles up to me. I stiffen but try to act oblivious anyway because you know, it's weird and awkward.

"Hey." She says anyway.

"Hi." I reply.

"How was the lighthouse?"

"Cool, I guess. I got a t shirt."

"Oh. Cool." She says and clears her throat.

It's awkward. I clear my throat pointedly, expecting Hannah to take a hint, get up and leave the damn cat alone but she does not.

"Nate, can I talk to you?" Chloe says.

"Um. Yeah. Sure." I say and wait for her to speak. She looks at me expectantly. I feel like I'm looking at her the same way. "What's wrong?"

"Privately?"

"Oh, Hannah's not listening." I dismiss.

"Yes I am." She says from the ground. "Go talk somewhere else and stop disturbing me and Clementine."

I shoot her the evils. She waves at me as Chloe leads me off to another part of the beach, nearer to the sea. First she sits down and then I do too, reluctantly. She shuffles closer to me and I wonder if I am sending the wrong signs or using my wily tricks by letting her.

"So, about this afternoon. I didn't mean to blow up on you like that and I'm really sorry." She starts, sincerely. My shoulders relax. "I do wish you had told me about the lighthouse earlier though."

"My bad. I shouldn't have been so snappy." I grumble back. "You know how much I hate the beach though, right?"

"Yeah, I don't get that?" She turns to look at me, her eyes smaller than usual. "You hate the beach. You get seasick now all of a sudden. And you're a champion swimmer with a future brighter than the sea reflecting the sunlight? I don't get it."

I smile because it all does sound weird. "I still like the water though. I hate the beach because of the sand, and I only get seasick because boats move weird. The water's the best part of those things."

"Maybe Hannah's right. Maybe you really are a fish boy."

My smile drops and she chuckles when she sees my face. Though the chuckle is really short lived because she clears her throat again and looks forward. I want to ask her what's wrong and I know I probably should but I'm afraid of the answer.

When did the possibility of Chloe liking me become so scary? Two years ago I would've wept with joy at the thought, figured it out, told Reese about it later and hoped he forgave me for stealing his girlfriend even though we're best friends. But now it's different. Reese is my brother, like my actual brother. And I'm searching for those old feelings now but they're not there and I don't wanna force them because what's the point in ruining what's supposed to be a great friendship?

"Do you like Hannah more than me?" She squeaks when I'm thinking.

"What?"

Chloe doesn't repeat the question, but she looks at me with wide eyes. I open and close my mouth, shocked that she's asking me this. I'm even more shocked that I can't really bring myself to say no.

"She's my friend, Chloe." I settle for. "And so are you."

"But that's not what I asked. I asked her if you like her more."

"I've known her for less time than I've known you." I say, looking away.

"That doesn't really mean anything though, does it? You can know someone forever and still like someone you met a month ago more." She pushes. "So do you like her more than me?"

"You're my best friend." I close my eyes and take a deep breath, actually thinking through what I want to say. "Look. I've spent a week in a car next to her 24/7 talking about stupid things and like, books. It's different. Why are you asking me this?"

"Honestly? I feel like I'm losing you to her, and I hate that." She says. She sniffles and wipes her eyes.

"You're not losing me, Chlo." I say gently. She looks away. "You could never lose me?"

"Really?" She squeaks.

"Yeah. We got too much history."

Chloe looks at me, like really looks at me. I smile at her and she smiles back, her eyes still a little bit wet. But then she closes her eyes and leans forward and -

"OH MY GOD, CLEMENTINE!" Hannah shrieks somewhere behind us. My head jerks back and I turn around, spotting her running after one of those birds.

Alarmed, I shoot upwards and start running too. I get to Ashley and Veronica first, and they look panicked but aren't doing anything about anything.

"What's wrong? Why is she screaming?" I ask in a rush of words. "I promised her sister and niece to get her back in one piece!"

"Clem's been taken by a freakin' eagle!" Ashley shrieks.

"It's literally an albatross!"

"Albatrosses don't travel this far north!"

I leave them to their bickering and run after Hannah and the bird. It's not that high up in the air but it's still worrying all the same. When I reach them, Hannah's literally in tears and hopping, trying to grab Clem but she's too short to reach them.

"Nate!" She says when she sees me. "Quick, lemme climb your shoulders!"

"Wait, I can reach her, I got this" I say and stand on my tip toes. She starts climbing on my back. "Woah, Hannah! Get off me!"

"I won't be able to live with myself if I watch this cat get eaten!" She's shrieking by my ear. "She's too precious! This isn't fair!"

I wince but try to support her weight as well as make a grab for Clem. I manage somehow, getting a grip on her tail and pulling. Clementine yowls loudly and the bird – eagle? Albatross? I can't tell what it is but it's way big – screeches, coming down closer to us. It's got Clem by the scruff of her neck and I'm impressed it's managed to hold her weight for this long.

I move my hands, grabbing Clementine's body and pulling her away. The bird finally releases her, makes a dive to peck at me and then flies off. Hannah's still on my back and Clementine is scrambling to make a burrow in my chest but for the most part we're okay. I think so at least, Hannah's got a bunch of snot on my shoulder and I don't know what to do about that at all.

"Do you have her?!" Hannah snots on me some more. "Oh my God, Nate if you let her get taken away –"

"I got her, she's in my arms!" I yell. She pauses, still clinging onto my shoulders.

"You got her?" She repeats slowly. "Like, with you?"

"Yes." I realise then how fast I'm breathing and how many people are looking at us, including Chloe and her roommates. This is so embarrassing.

Hannah slowly gets off my back and comes around, wiping her face with the bottom of her t shirt. "Wow, I can't believe it." 

"No big deal." I reply. "You good?" She nods. "Are you sure you're good?"

"Yeah, I guess. I-"

Someone starts clapping, loudly. And then there's some whooping and cheering and the crowd of people that are watching us comes closer, all with bright smiles on their faces. This is embarrassing to the point I don't even know what else to do other than stand up straight and hand Hannah this cat. But then Clementine jumps out of her arms and back into mine.

"She likes you now." Hannah says through a watery smile.

"I hate the beach." I say as Clem practically claws at my throat.

a/n:

this chapter longer than midnight sun (it's only 4k words long) I'm sorry LMFAOO the spirit of NaNoWriMo really entered me with this one but anyway I updated. Whee!

Also here is a meme of Ari Lennox drinking wine because that's how I've felt writing these past few days WHOO!!!! I hate it here