Chapter 7: Worried

Astralla

I sipped on my wine glass while staring at the open field from afar. I know it's too early to drink but I wanted to calm my mind and the fresh morning air was not helping me.

I drew a deep breath for the nth time as I shook my head.

"I've heard what happened," Abel sat beside me. "How is she?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Room. I don't know how is she." Nilingon ko siya sandali at binigyan ng tipid na ngiti. "I don't wanna lie and tell she's doing good because clearly..."

She's not. Hindi nga niya ako gaano kinakausap.

"What really happened?"

Sumimsim ako sa alak habang inaalala lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Lola. Kung paano nagpakita ang hamog ni Aya kung paano ito tinaboy ng anak ko palayo. Pero ang mas gumimbal sa akin ay ang makita kong buhat-buhat ni Lola ang walang malay kong anak habang palabas ng gubat.

It felt like my heart dropped for a moment at that scene.

I was too preoccupied that I didn't even notice the wine glass shattered on my grip. I opened my palm to drop the pieces of glass with my blood. Ilang segundo lang ang lumipas ay naghilom din ito agad.

"You okay?"

"I-I'm scared..." I mumbled and that's when my voice broke.

"Hey..." Hinarap ako ni Abel sa kanya. "Don't be."

My lips quivered. "I know but..."

"But don't you think that's good?" he asked. "I mean the fog never listened to her. Bakit nung sinabi ni Aya na umalis ito ay umalis talaga ito? Don't you think that's... an advancement? Saka hindi nito sinaktan ang manggagamot na tumulong kay Aya."

"She doesn't understand that, Abel. Ang alam niya lang ay kasalanan na naman niya..."

Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumingin sa himpapawid. Saktong tumatawid ang isang uwak. For a moment, I thought it stared at me using those sharp eyes. Just like that, it disappeared from the thin air too.

"Kailan ba babalik si Brix?" he asked next.

My eyes dropped at the ground. "Soon?"

I am not sure either.

"Don't you think he should be here too?" he questioned next.

Lumunok ako bago umiling. Tumayo na ako at inayos ang sarili. Kailangan ko nang bumalik sa kwarto ni Aya dahil baka mag-isa na naman siya. Baka umalis na sina Tegan at Koko.

"Sige na, Abel. Pupuntahan ko muna si Aya," pagpapaalam ko.

"Don't stress yourself too much, Astra. Magiging maayos din ang lahat."

"Hopefully..." tipid na sagot ko.

Pagbalik ko sa kwarto ni Aya ay wala na siya roon. Napailing na lang ako habang nakatingin sa nakabukas na bintana. Okay na rin siguro ito. At least mahihimasmasan siya kapag kasama ang mga kaibigan.

I sat on her bed. Parang may bumara na naman sa lalamunan ko.

He should be here by now. Lagpas na ito sa pinangako niyang araw na babalik siya. Siguro masyado siyang naging busy. I understand that. He's no longer free from responsibilities. But all I know is... he should be here by now.

Humiga ako at niyakap ang unan ni Aya. Sininghap ko ang naiwan niyang amoy roon.

I know I just talked to Abel but it felt like I needed someone who would understand me even more. Someone who knows not just to comfort me but to make my worries turn into laughs too.

If only Erikson was here...

Kumusta na kaya siya?

Dumaan pa ang mga araw na laging magkasama sina Lola at Aya. Nagkapalagayan na sila ng loob. Pero sa loob din ng mga araw na 'yon ay hindi nagpakita ang hamog.

Is that good? I don't think so.

"Pwede ko na ba 'tong alisin, Mama?" tukoy ni Aya sa purselas.

Tumigil ako sa paghawi ng kanyang buhok.

"Why?"

"Wala na rin naman akong hamog."Bumaba ang boses nito. "Hindi na ito magpapakita sa akin kasi tinaboy ko na siya. Does that mean I can get rid of this bracelet now?"

I dropped the hairbrush to face my daughter. She immediately looked down to avoid my eyes but I lifted her head to meet my gaze. She tried to smile at me.

"Babalik din ito, Aya..." I told her.

"Don't you think that's good?" she asked.

"Do you?" I returned that question.

Mahinang umiling ito.

"Tell me how you feel about this, Aya..." I encouraged her as I caressed her face. "How do you feel now that your fog is not showing up and not hurting anyone?"

A tear dropped from one of her eyes.

"I-it feels like... something is missing," she responded. "Hindi ako mapakali kasi parang may mali. I feel so bothered. I feel unsafe even though I am with Koko and Tegan."

That's the answer I was hoping for. She and her fog shares the same feelings. They are like twins. Sa tingin ko ay may mabuting naidulot din ang pag-alis ng hamog niya. Para malinawan ang anak ko kung ano ba ang koneksyon niya sa kanya.

"I want my fog back, Mama. I won't complain anymore."

"Oh, baby. It will..." That's when I hugged her. Hinaplos ko ang kanyang likod. "Nagtampo lang 'yon pero alam kong babalik ito. Trust me. It will..."

Naramdaman kong nanginig ang balikat ng anak ko. Umiiyak ito nang walang ingay. Naninibago ako sa kanya. Kapag kasi umiyak ito ay laging maingay. Ngayon ay parang tinatago niya.

"I'm sorry, Mama..."

"Hey." Hinarap ko uli siya. "What for?"

"For failing you."

"What?"

"I can't even tame my fog and now... I pushed it away. I can never really make you proud."

"Don't say that." Tinaliman ko ng tingin si Aya. "I'm proud of you... so much. Alam kong proud din sa 'yo ang Papa mo. Please... huwag mong iisipin 'yan ah?"

She rubbed the tears off her face and looked away.

"Makikipaglaro na ako kina Tegan at Koko," aniya.

"Wait. Gusto mo bang mangabayo?"

For the first time while talking about horses, Aya shook her head and declined.

"Nope. See you later, Mama."

She skedaddled the room without even looking back.

I was left with my lips slightly parted. I could feel it. Nagtatampo na ito kay Brix.

I think I need to do something about it. This is the only thing I can do for her.

I couldn't last a day without Brix anymore. Nagdesisyon na akong puntahan na si Brix sa Severus Kingdom. Hindi na ako nakapagpaalam kay Aya dahil busy ito sa paglalaro. Sandali lang naman ako. Bago lumubog ang araw ay makakabalik din ako.

With the help of Servena, I reached the destination of Severus Kingdom. Bumukas ang malaking tarangkahan bago pa man huminto ang kabayo ko. One of the guards greeted me with his head slightly vowed.

"Welcome back, Milady..."

"Where's Brixton?" diretso kong tanong.

"I will escort you."

Inalis ko ang talukbong ng jacket ko habang dahan-dahan na naglalakad sa loob. Sobrang laki na ng pinagbago ng lugar na ito. Muli nilang binuo ang Dome na minsang winasak ng digmaan.

I got chills while remembering what happened in this place. Parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat.

We crossed the bridge to get in the castle. Tumalon na ako pababa kay Servena at binilin ito sa isa sa mga kawal. Nagpatuloy kami ng lalaki papasok sa kastilyo.

"Sobrang busy yata?" tanong ko.

"It's always been, Milady." The guard chuckled.

I nooded. Oh, really?

Bahagyang uminit ang temperatura nang makapasok na kami sa mismong loob. Yumuyuko sa amin ang bawat na bantay na madadaanan. Kahit na maraming bantay ay sobrang tahimik pa rin.

After minutes of nonstop walking, lumabas na kami ng kastilyo at ngayon ay nasa likod na. Oh, I remember this place. Dito dati nag-dinner ang mga Pinuno.

"There..."

Sa hindi kalayuan ay dalawang lalaki ang nag-uusap. Nakatalikod ang mga ito sa amin pero kilalang-kilala ko ang isa sa kanila. Mukhang masinsinan ang pinag-uusapan nila.

I heard Brix laugh.

Oh, really? What a fun conversation they have there.

"You may leave me here now. Thank you..." I said politely to the guard.

"Pleasure, Milady." He vowed before walking away.

Nanatili ako sa kinatatayuan nang ilang segundo. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako pansin ni Brix. Bumaling sa akin ang lalaking kausap niya. Napatikhim ito.

"Milady..." He vowed before me.

That's when Brix turned me, too.

"Astra?" Kumunot ang noo nito.

I crossed my arms on my chest and didn't say a word.

Lumapit ang dalawang lalaki sa 'kin.

"What are you doing here? What happened?" tanong ni Brix.

I stood still, unresponsive.

Brix cleared his throat. "Uhmm. This is Joseph. He's my second hand here. Binibilin ko na sa kanya ang mga gagawin para pag-alis ko mamaya ay alam na niya."

"Cool..." I smiled.

Mas lalong nangunot ang noo ni Brix.

"You may leave now," ani Brix kay Joseph.

"It's a pleasure to meet you again, Milady." Yumuko ito sa akin at kay Brix bago umalis.

Nanatili ang tingin ko kay Brix.

Umiwas ito ng tingin at tumikhim.

"Uhm. Drink?" he asked.

"Okay," I agreed.

"Uhmm... in my room?"

"Sure."

Ngumiwi ito sa mga tipid kong sagot.

"Pwede ka bang mauna roon? I will just get us drinks."

"I don't even know where in this hell is your room here, Mr. Cardinal."

"Damn. My bad. Tara?"

I rolled my eyes as I walked away. Nauna si Brix sa akin at nakasunod ako sa kanya. Maya't maya ang pagsulyap niya sa akin at sinasabayan ko 'yon ng pagtaas ng mga kilay.

"Here..." Brix opened the door for me.

Diretso akong pumasok doon. Ang kwarto niya ay sa dati pa rin naman. May balkonahe sa gilid kung saan ko siya naabutan dati na humihithit ng sigarilyo. Nothing has changed here. It still smells the same.

I sat on his bed while Brix stood still on the side door.

May dumaan na tagapagsilbi kaya sa kanya na nagpakuha ng alak si Brix. Pagkatapos ay pumasok na ito sa loob at sinarado ang pinto. Umupo siya sa tabi ko.

"Did something happen, Astra?" malamya niyang tanong.

I gulped the lump in my throat as I answered, "A lot..."

"I'm sorry. Sobrang busy..." He stopped for a moment. "Damn. I know you don't accept reasons. Pauwi na rin sana ako mamaya. Still... I'm sorry, Milady."

I looked at him. Bahagya pa itong napaigtad sa bigla kong paglingon.

I stared at his face. Tumutubo na ang bigote niya at bakas din sa kanya ang pagod. I know he's not making up reasons to delay his return. Mukhang naging busy nga ito.

"How's Aya?" he asked.

"You will know." I smiled.

His lips slightly parted. "What? Did something bad happen to her?"

"You will know, Brix."

Mas lumapit siya sa akin at madiin akong tinitigan. "Why don't you tell me now? Fuck it, Astra. Just... please. What happened?"

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumitig sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung saan mag-uumpisa o kung paano. Sa halip na salita ay luha ang lumabas sa akin.

"Fuck!" He immediately stood up. Lumapit ito sa cabinet para kumuha ng jacket. Pagkatapos ay humarap ito sa akin. He looked anxious when he said, "Let's go."

Hindi ako gumalaw sa kinauupuan.

"Astra... please?"

"She's fine..." I smiled. "She just missed you."

He just stared at me.

"Let's have a drink first, Brix."

He let out a heavy sigh. "Sure."

Saktong kumatok ang tagapagsilbi na may dalang alak. Pinagsalin ako ni Brix sa isang baso at inabot sa akin. Saka ito umupo rin sa tabi ko. Hinawakan niya ang malaya kong kamay.

"I still don't believe you..." he told me.

I sipped on my drink. "It's her fog..."

"Nahihirapan ba siya?"

Tumango ako.

"It's nothing though..." he added.

Napalingon ako sa kanya. "Nothing?"

"I mean..." Nataranta ito. "The real battle awaits outside the walls. Let's be real, Astra. Our daughter needs to be tough. She needs to feel frustrated... disappointed. She needs to feel what it's like to fail for attaining something. It's what makes us..."

"I know but she's still a kid."

"A kid?" Brix chuckled. "I hope you will stop treating her a kid."

He poured me a drink again.

"So... what do you want?" I asked.

"You know it."

"Let her feel the pain alone?" I chuckled sarcastically. "Gusto mo bang maranasan niya ang mga naranasan mo dati para lang maging kasing lakas mo siya? Gano'n ba, Brix?"

"For fuck's sake, that's not what I meant." Binitiwan niya ang baso sa table at kinuha rin ang akin. Saka niya ako hinarap sa kanya. "If you will stop acting like a simple cut on her skin is something to be worried about. If you will stop encouraging her with false beliefs. Let her feel whatever she needs to feel. Hindi 'yon pagiging pabaya, Astra. As long as we will always by her side. As long as she knows we are with her whatever happens. As long as she knows she can trust us. As long as she knows she's not alone. That's what I want."

Hindi ko namalayan na tumutulo na pala ang luha sa aking mga mata. Naging over protective ba ako? I just don't want her hurt or scared or crying. I just want her to be as safe as possible.

"Trust our daughter, Astra." Hinalikan ni Brix ang pisngi ko bago hinawi ang luha. "Kalma ka lang, please? Baka nakakalimutan mong anak mo si Aya? You are like... I mean... the worst human I've ever met."

Hinampas ko ang braso ni Brix. "Shut up!"

He chuckled. "Did I lie?"

"And you are like the most arrogant vampire I've ever met—"

"Oops. Stop there, Milady." Brix shook his head. Kinulong niya ako sa kanyang braso at pareho kaming bumagsak sa kama. "I don't brag, Astra. You know that."

I rolled my eyes. "Mabuti na lang at 'di nagmana sa 'yo ang anak natin..."

"It's too early to say that, Milady."

Napaigtad ako nang halikan niya ang leeg ko. Naramdaman ko ang mainit niyang hininga roon.

"Iyon lang ba ang pinunta mo rito?" pabulong na tanong ni Brix.

"Stop..." I tried to push him away but he caught my arms. Tinalikod niya ako sa kanya niyakap. Namula ang mukha ko nang may maramdaman na matigas sa likod ko.

Peter was poking on my back.

Gumapang sa hita ko papunta sa aking puson ang kanyang kamay. He unbuttoned my pants and dove his hand inside. He teased me by rubbing his palm against my undergarment.

"We will come home later..." he whispered. "But I want to come in you for now."

That's when he slid his hand inside my undergarment.