This may be kind of deep, so If you are in an emotionally sensitive place right now... Think carefully on if you really wanna read this.

My life has a tear in it.

When I was younger, around five, it was a clean cut. It bled, scabbed over, and scarred. It never had time to fade. As I grew, the scar was scratched at, becoming raw, irritable. Eventually, small little events that shouldn't have affected me opened the scar up. I began to take notice.

Thoughts and doubts surfaced.

Thoughts and doubts that made the tear jagged.

Years passed, and moments in my life took place that brought the small, jagged tear to become a gaping, jagged wound.

Age 5

"Why are you leaving daddy?"

"I'm sorry sweetie. Me and Mommy had a big fight. I have to leave."

I knew in my subconscious. I had hoped it was a dream... I had been awake during the argument, laid between Mom and him.

"Here." I was left with nothing but a picture of my older sisters.

Age 6

We moved.

"I'm _______!" Childhood bestfriend found.

"This is ____. He'll be living with us from now on."

He tickled our feet, and looked cheerful and playful. Too bad I can never call anyone Dad again.

I found out... 'Daddy' wasn't my real dad. Why did Mom let me call him that then? Who was my dad?

I saw 'daddy' one more time. I didn't want him to leave. I was crying. "It's okay. I'll drive behind y'all until my turn."

It was more painful to watch out the back window as he drove behind us, and then turned a minute later. I never saw him again.

Age 7

Bullying isn't a good thing. Not for the inflictor, nor the inflicted.

I... was to some degree, both. We never saw it as bullying, just me being a sassy seven year old, but I still feel bad about it. I stopped, knowing I wouldn't like it if it happened to me.

Then it did. My clothes. tacky. My lisp. "Say lizard again! HaHaHAha!"

I moved....again.

Lost the few friends  I had. Lost my Childhood best friend.

Trust Issues => start

Age 8

Bullying.

I was smart though.

Snitch.

But what they did was wrong.

Insecurities=> start

Age 9

Fake friends.... it hurt. They pretended for two years.

"Tacky. Annoying. Weird. Stupid."

Age 10

Books. Doodles. Ways to exit reality. To dream I'm not here.

Fake friends (all I had)

Found out who my real dad was. Never called him Dad. Just his name.

Introvert=> start.

Self Hatred=> start.

Age 11

Played.

Bullied.

Teased.

(I've forced myself to forget the words, but I can't forget the pain...)

Shouting. Drunk fight. The cheerful foot-tickler breaking our Christmas tree.

My brother, hit by car. Alive, but now I'm far more aware.

Stepfather, shouting again my brother in a restraining hold as his head was pulled near neck snapping point.

I became truly terrified of my stepfather. 

We moved....... again

Age 12

Fights. Every other day. We lived with a friend and his girlfriend, as well as another couple. 'friend' and 'girlfriend' physically fought. 'other couple' fought. 'other couple girlfriend' hospitalized due to 'other couple boyfriend' beating her over the head with a skateboard.

Started school late. went to one school for a week.

Stepfather shouting, angry at my brother again. Brother, being held in a chokehold. Little sister hits my stepfather on the back to try and get him to let go. (She was scared. So was I)

We moved. Into our own house this time.

I started school again. It was better here.

I healed a little.

Then... fake friends.

Sociopathic crush, I was his target. (psychopathic too)

Supportive friends.

Bullies.

snitch

dumbass

why are you here?

fat

pig

ugly

Anxiety x10

Depression x2

Welcome to hell.

Fights.

Age 13

I began failing my grade.

Less bullying.

More friends. A bestie

I fell for someone with a girlfriend. It hurt, but they were happy, so I watched from afar.

He almost killed himself after they broke up. I did my best to make him feel better. I would do anything for him...

He told me I love you. Next day he's dating a friend of ours.

Depression

Anxiety...

Thoughts. (too many)

I got slapped (verbally) by a friend. 

I got better. Didn't trust guys.

Age 14

Happy.

failing.

bestie.

love? me+bestie?

No... But I'm ok with it. (Depression)(Anxiety) (BPD seemingly increased.)

Crying. 

Shouting.

Thinking.

Why?

Am I not good?

Why do I do this?

Why can't I do this?

Can I?

No.

Nostalgia.....

I saw my Childhood bestie.... I cried..

She was so.... different.

She had new friends.

Never got off the phone

Hardly looked at me. Hardly talked to me

Anxiety. (Social. I'd had it for a while... tried to ignore it..)

Does she remember?

Does she care?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

WHY?

__________-____________End_____________-__________

AN//This is something I wrote based off of my life. Everything I wrote, actually happened to me. I guess this is my way of letting people know more about me. Admittedly the more negative side, but still.