Fight, Flight, or Freeze By --ZigZag--

Chapter 1; Abandoned (Chapter Title)
Fan Fiction (Genre)
Looks vs. Reality (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 3.01.2021 -----------

I think you've just fallen into a bit of bad luck because today I promised myself to no longer coddle young writers. I will come out and say what I needed to say and they will simply have to suck in that snot and march on into the good night.

So here we are.

First, I will split this review into two parts. One is the technical aspect which holds no opinions whatsoever. This is probably your strongest area.

Second, I will give my views as a reader. This one is probably not going to be to your liking but since it's my viewpoint, you shouldn't take it too hard.

Okay, let's enter the editing mode.

From an editing standpoint, you've hit a home-run. You use the dread 'parenthesis,' which you shouldn't in fiction writing (though some people do use it. It does signal a lack of professionalism to some). A lot of writing norms are being broken lately so it's up to you whether you continue to do this stylistically, but know that for a lot of readers, this is a 'uh-oh' moment. Personally, I'd recommend you use the em dash (which does the same thing) or even a comma. The em dash is the long hyphen (—) and it's an interruption, sort of like a character poking its head out of the screen and giving an extra bit of info.

Beyond that issue, there were hardly any others. You've certainly done your research on HOW to format dialogue. You have some errors still but nothing terrible. In fact, a casual reader could breeze through your work rather smoothly and even forgive the few mistakes, i.e. using 'sigh' as a dialogue tag, which it is not.

Overall, I give you an A, and dare I say, A+ for the technical side.

When I saw that this was a fan fic, I did worry. Not because I have anything against fan fiction. In fact, I have a strong respect for fans who take a big leap and try to rework something they obviously love. But when I saw the formatting and how polished it was, it made me pay attention even more. It told me this was a serious piece and not something someone threw together on a whim. You care about this story, and it shows.

Much respect.

So how did you do technically?

Well, let's go into the pros first.

Your first chapter does what a first chapter must.

- identify the genre
- give tension and/or suspense
- show the problem
- show the solution
- show what's in the way of the solution
- cliff-hanger ending

The character introduced raises a lot of questions. The chapter doesn't meander about looking out windows or something like that. In fact, it introduces a new character that may be a formidable foe/friend.

Despite all the good things this chapter does, there is one thing it does fail at and that brings us to our cons:

- A first chapter identifies the MC.

Your first chapter does not.

In fact, you have no MC. We jump from head, to head, to head at a constant. This is called 'head-hopping' and it's ineffective for a number of reasons. One main problem with head-hoping is that we have to share and shift our emotions far too often. Tony is annoyed, but Steve is smug. Each time we the reader gets close to an emotion, we have to WHIP around and get close to yet another emotion. Then WHOOSH, whip back to yet one more and so on. We cannot fully stay close to one character and/or ride this journey with one person and therefore, if we cannot connect to someone, we 'disconnect' and resolve to a 'take it or leave it' sort of thing.

You'll argue that this is Third Person Omniscient. I'd argue that it isn't. It's Head-hopping, plain and simple.

Even if it was Third Person Omniscient, I'd recommend against that. Very few people can pull it off. I don't really like First Person, I'm a big Third Person fan, but I'd recommend either First person or Third person LIMITED. Limited is where you select ONE character to follow around and tell us what he/she sees. Whatever they can't see or perceive, we can't know either.

Otherwise, it was a neat little chapter which sparked a lot of questions and this is a good thing. If you are just starting out as a writer, I think you are leaps and bounds ahead of a LOT of people. You are certainly way ahead of me when I first started writing. Keep going this way and you'll be fantastic once you've honed your skills.

My editing review has now ended and I will go into my OPINION. This is no longer technical and you should get second or third opinions before you make ANY changes to your story. In fact, you can stop reading right now and lose nothing from this review, as I've given you all the technical advice afforded to me by my experience.

....

Hmm,. You're still here, huh?

Very well.

(Throws down the gloves). You've asked for it.

In my personal opinion, this story has a good start but it's also sending out warning bells that a Mary Sue is on the horizon. What is a Mary Sue? It's an "original" character in Fan Fiction (and not just fan fiction as it can come in all genres) that is literally the author installed into the story. The Mary Sue is usually easy to spot as she is overpowered, over-educated, and usually in the right no matter what. She hardly encounters something she can't tackle fast, skillfully, and with minimal effort.

And she is insufferable.

Mary Sues aren't terrible writing but they rob good stories of a proper protagonist all the time. Most writers start with Mary Sues. That's just the way it goes. It's not uncommon to write a character that's close to us. Unfortunately, it can make writing a proper conflict very difficult for such a character.

Since I've only read one chapter, it's hard for me to know if I am right but I suspect that I am. Casually, I would have slowed down at the start of your story because it was head-hopping fan fiction, but seeing your polished grammar would have gotten me to read on. The introduction of the girl was very interesting. I liked when she started to break down what people really thought. But after about two or three, it felt like we were hearing most things we'd already known. Bruce's info and Tony's weren't very groundbreaking. But then Bucky's and Clint's were fantastic, so it was hard for me to say if that 'as you know, Captain' moment should stay or not. "As you know, Captain" is yet another literary taboo, right along with head-hopping. It's when characters tell each other things they already know, for the benefit of the reader. Bruce's info is well known, for example. But the viewpoint for Bucky and Clint were actually new and insightful.

But as she went all the way down to even Wanda, I started feeling that this was a 'roll call' and not a showdown.

Then she became inconsistent. She's a girl on the run, who's been in hiding for years. Only to now stand up and spill her guts like some bad James Bond villain? Hm, felt a bit unwise. This is probably because you are not yet versed in 'exposition.'

You CAN tell us about her past, i.e. being on the run, etc. DIRECTLY without making it into dialogue. That will keep the other characters in the dark, and guessing as to who she was, while giving the reader much needed insight into her and her situation. Even the:

Why?

Because orphanages suck.

Can stay as well. It can be stated simply as that, even in Third Person Limited. But for that, it would require you making HER the MC. We can still get the original intro of Spiderman etc. Only this time, it will be her somehow seeing them see her. Which can get a bit complex. You don't need to change anything about the intro, only that she's watching them on her computer once they find her. And then her POV of Third Person Limited is established.

Either way, putting the info about her background into exposition would do wonders in several areas.

- It would make her less 'peachy' which is a problem with Mary Sue characters. By doing this, you make her more tangible and you can even make her sympathetic. Her personality will still come through.
- It will raise the tension between her and the Avengers as they aren't sure who she is or what her motives are.
- It would make the ending pack a bigger punch as we would be curious as to HOW she could possibly fight the Avengers. A reader would rush to chapter 2 to see what she's capable of.

At the end of the day, I don't think your writing is bad. Even though I did lay into you just now, that's not because I want to tear you down, but in fact, because I see the potential there. You've got a lot of guts seeking out a review like this. You didn't do it for the heck of it. I think you genuinely want to improve.

But remember that for everything I've said that is my opinion, there are others who think differently. Only time and age will make it clear to you what is the proper advice to take. You can even try it one way (keeping the original on your HD) to see if it works or not.

Only you can decide how this story goes. Whatever you choose, I know you are on the right path and will succeed in the end.

Prologue?
None.

Does this need an edit?
Yes and no. There are some dialogue tags issues but not a whole lot. The plot is there but needs to be clarified. Selecting ONE MC will fix this immediately.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. A staunch fan of this genre could enjoy this story without question. But a casual reader like myself might need a bit more coaxing.

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