Epics of Noche, Book 1 by EpicsOfNoche

EON CH 01 - Lighthouse (ACT 1) (Chapter Title)
Fantasy (Genre)
Soldiers & Family (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌗🌚)

---------------- 1.23.2021 -----------

I actually enjoyed your first chapter. Don't get excited, this is not necessarily a good thing. There are a lot of great points to your writing.

Your strength lies in your ability to bring the reader in and immerse him/her in this new world. A lot (A LOT ) was going on, but it didn't feel overwhelming. Rather than dread each new word and new aspect, I found myself leaning in. I got part way and figured you'd wasted this payment, that this wasn't in any way a chore. Then the first marker appeared and I realized the illusion.

Oh ... no.

Here's the thing. If you writing was a dance, it'd be the most elegant one I've seen in a LONG while (on or off wattpad), but you start off with that leap and you get higher with that leap, and then part way when I mark 'marker 1 or moment 1' is when that leap carries on for so long that I start to see the strings that keep that beautiful dancer in the air artificially.

He should have landed, taken his bow, or landed and taken off a nearby colleague's kneecap with some action, but instead, he kept right on leaping and fatigue set in.

The poetry in your writing is lovely. It's enviable. I sincerely do envy the skill you possess. But beauty can only take us so far. Something needs to happen.

The good news is that you succeeded in catching my attention RIGHT from the start. Your words are vivid and I could visualize every aspect well. That is why when you get to the mother and say "she had a white dress and black hair" I was taken aback. What had become of all the beautiful poetry till now? It's like you ran around the room, decorating each wall in unique colors, and then you got to the door and doubled over and just threw the last of your paint at it, white and black it is. It felt out of place.

You either need a theme that stays throughout, or you need to bring the action sooner.

As of now, I do not know what the story is (yes, this is the start, but build up and atmosphere should be reserved for cult meetings, seances, and wedding nights). The story needs to start HERE.

Why is the soldiers' arrival so pivotal? Should I care about the family? Should I feel bad or worry about them? How can I when I have no connection to either them, or something about them that may or may not be in jeopardy?

HERE IS WHAT CONFUSED ME
- I'd thought this was a period piece (that it was a fantasy). The soldiers have teeth on their helmets after all. They carried knives (yes, some guns but I don't know why I thought they were old guns), but then the family has smartphones. So what era is this?
- I'd figured the lighthouse had great significance. We spend so much time on it. But in the end of the chapter, nothing happens with it.
- I'd thought the little girl was our MC and she was who was important, but we're never given a confirmation about this. She does nothing significant beyond admiring the lighthouse. If she's our hero, what's so special about her? If she's not, then who is?

THINGS THAT I LONGED TO KNOW
- What is the genre?
- Who am I rooting for?
- What is the significance of the lighthouse or the village itself?
- What time period is this?
- Where is this?

THINGS I LIKED
- The writing overall was top notch. It went down smooth and easy
- The cool power of manifestation that the people appear to possess was interesting as well
- The idea that this quiet village is about to be greeted with potential supernatural soldiers was interesting
- The ending (the hook there)

Yes, this chapter was segmented into pieces, but there still needs to be an incentive for the reader to keep going to get to the end of the chapter. We need to care about SOMETHING. Either the lighthouse, the bird, the soldiers, or the family, or the painter. Something. Without an emotional investment, we won't care what happens to them, good or bad.

In the end, despite the vivid world building, it feels incomplete, like there are secrets we're not privy to as of yet and must wait for. And that's fine, but with so many books to choose from, I'm not sure if it's wise to play 'hard to get' with the reader so early.

Prologue?
None present.

Does this need an edit?
No. It's good writing for the most part. The plot, however, needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

If you found this review useful, please give this book a shout-out. It brings more eyes to it and goes a long way. Please consider adding your book to the "Speed-Dating Books" version of this book where others can get a sample of your work quickly. That service is also FREE.