(Skip to the end of this chapter if you're just here for art and don't care bout me and my life, kay?)

So... something's been bugging me lately. I feel sad and guilty and wrong and I'm disappointed that I can't even bring up some courage on the internet.

So... back in August 2016, I was really down. Like REALLY down. I wasn't in the mood for anything, I made plans on how I would leave Wattpad, I felt alone, I didn't even try to make good art (or what else you would categorize my art as). And, I said to my dear Wolf-Senpai (gonna miss you forever) that if I left, I dearly wanted to give this account to someone, like someone I knew that wouldn't do shit with it (I don't actually wanna do that anymore if I leave cause now you know what I kinda look like...).

So, that aside, I made another account. I wanted to start anew. I wanted to just build that new account up until I had a kinda good realationship with the people I'm friends with on here, so I wouldn't truly lose them...

I pulled out a really old character that I had made when my depressing phases began. I hadn't drawn the character often before than because I couldn't draw well and I didn't want anyone irl to see.
I had called him Arih when I first "created" him at the age of... lemme think... I think it was around the age of 8 or 9.
It was a guy because especially back then (and until today) many people at school made fun of me because I had really short hair (and still have kinda short hair) and the question "Are you a boy or a girl" plagued me on a daily basis. Most teased me with the fact that I wore my bro's old clothes most of the time because I loved the designs and I myself wasn't even sure what I was/wanted to be (I still don't know that). So, I thought they're probably right. They way I acted (and still act) is all too boyish most of the time.

If you remember this:

This is not quite what I always imagined and drew him as. that's why I called this character not Arih.

In my mind, Arih was kinda like a personification of myself. He would always had a wide smile that looked a little creepy ( because faking smiles was even harder back then and it sometimes looked a little creepy or really weird), and he would be wearing a seatshirt-jacket because I love those things to death. I'm also a big fan of blue which is why I wanted him to have bright blue hair.

Anyway, I wanted to say sorry to all of you whom I've lied to with this account I had created. If you know what I'm talking about, please forgive me. I really was down, I wanted to leave this behind me. Start a new with a new account, be less exposive. I felt so weak and vulnerable and I hated that feeling. I couldn't really stand the atention you gave me, even if I said I was fine. I think I'm getting better with my social skills now. It still feels weird to be asked if I'm fine. I still don't know how to respond to some questions, but it'll get better, eventually.

I said goodbye to the idea of closing this account for now. I realised that it might help my social skills, too. My best strategie always was smiling and nodding before I came here. I now know what to do in most situations and it really feels great. I don't feel so weird and so wrong anymore, even though many people at school still throw these words at my head. I don't mind it anymore. A little weirdness isn't that bad after all.

I dunno if you can imagine how it feels not to know what expression you should put on or what to say. Imagine it like meeting a dragon for the first time. Wouldn't contemplate whether to run away or stare in awe? Whether to fear it or to try t befriend it? Whether it was nice or evil?

Yeah, kinda like that you can imagine me reacting to the question "are you okay?". Should I smile and say yes or should I be honest? should I ask what they mean by that or ignore the question? I simply can't tell which one would make them happy and which one would make them upset.

But I kinda know how to handle these situations now and I'm thankful to you guys for that.

Also, these are all the pictures I had uploaded to the other account... They're really old...

These two were for SlayrAsh and datfluffybunni

I can't remember for who this one was...

This the lineart of the fake Arih (whom I called Arhen, I believe).

Also, I redid Arih. Kind of like how I imagine him nowadays:

Like, this simle isn't quite how I imgine it, but it has the effect I wanted...
And he was always this edgy with his red eyes. I loved the contrast between blue and red which is also a reason I now like red, too.

Also, he now has bags under his eyes because I have a sleeping disorder now. He evolves with me :P

If I find old pictures of him, I'll post them but because most of my old drawings were destroyed in flames, I doubt I'll find one...

Âlso: