mild description of panic attack

⛓️

Seonghwa's hand clenched around his fork, unable to take another bite out of his salad. All around him people softly talked and laughed with each other, and it only made the eighteen-year-old much more aware of this certain situation he found himself in that Friday evening.

His father sat across from him in JH diner, currently scarfing down a burger like it was his first time eating in ages. What made it worse was that the man hated burgers, and the only reason he'd ordered one was because his mother used to almost always get burgers whenever they were available on the menu.

Seonghwa looked away when their eyes met, sliding a small piece of lettuce into his mouth.

"Seriously, the fries and the burger combo is so good," his father spoke up. "We both know I usually never go for junk food on a work night, but I just had this craving for it."

Seonghwa only nodded, but couldn't help this dark, ominous feeling that overtook him once he saw the way his father dipped his fries into some ketchup. The feeling intensified when he saw the man visibly grimace whilst taking yet another huge bite out of his burger, seeping further and further into his bloodstream and clogging up his throat until he felt like he couldn't breathe.

He dropped his cutlery.

His father continued to eat and eat, face curled into discomfort with every bite he took.

Seonghwa clenched his fists under the table, his prolonged silence earning the attention of his dad.

"Seonghwa, why aren't you eating anything?" The man asked. "Is the food not good? I mean, we used to come here all the time when you were younger." He paused, eyes gleaming over with nostalgia. "Your mom used to love this place a lot -- "

That darkness inside Seonghwa transformed into cold-blooded fury. "I can't -- I can't do this."

His father's smile slowly fell, reality dimming the light in his eyes. "...Seonghwa..."

The blue plaid Seonghwa wore tonight suddenly felt a thousand times tighter than ever. The hazy peachy lights appeared as bright as fire in front of his eye sockets, rapidly increasing the headache building up inside his brain.

A stupid part of him had opted to at least take his time to dress up for tonight, because maybe that would've changed things. Maybe he would've had fun tonight, or even have a normal conversation with his dad without something fucking it up for once.

But of course not.

"You're doing it again," Seonghwa said, detesting how heavy his voice sounded. He inhaled a breath. "You said...you said you wanted tonight to be all about us two, yet here you are, buying every single thing mom used to eat here. You fucking hate burgers and ketchup for Christ's sake. So why?"

Mr Park looked guilty, his reddened eyes welling up with unshed tears. The sight reminded Seonghwa of the past he'd sworn to always shove into the depths of his mind, and as a result the lump in his throat grew.

"I'm sorry." The man grabbed and chugged down his grape soda, the same type his mother used to order when she was alive. "I'm so sorry, son. But -- but I can't..." He took another sip, his lower lip trembling. "I can't do this w-without her..."

Seonghwa felt like every single breath he'd had left abandoned him at that moment. His head rang, poignant memories of the life he'd used to have shifting through his head at the speed of light. He wanted to scream, to get those images all out of his head.

His palms shook, itching to grab onto something, itching to steady himself and not feel as if entire world was shattering right before his very eyes. He was freaking out.

"It's been seven years, dad," he breathed, his voice barely audible and so, so cold. Despite the sorrowful look in his father's eyes he continued to speak, because seeing the man he'd used to look up to and admire in this state made him feel nothing but helplessness, one that he no longer wanted to experience again in his life. "Almost a decade... You can't keep doing this."

"I miss her," his father said.

Well I miss her too. We both do. But I don't fucking mope around and cry about it, Seonghwa wanted to say, but he knew that his words wouldn't have solved anything. There was nothing he could do to pull his father out of his downward spiral, and that reality was something he'd quickly grown to adapt to.

"I wish Yiyeon was here," his father said almost to himself, staring into the distance. It was like Seonghwa no linger existed whenever his mother was brought up. "She would've brightened up everywhere with her laughter. She was just so good at making others happy, and her beautiful smile was one of the many things I loved about her..."

Seonghwa couldn't take it anymore. He quickly moved off his chair, his father's eyes reflecting alarm.

"W-Where are you going?" Mr Park asked.

Seonghwa felt suffocated. "Out." He avoided the man's stare, as well as the select few people that'd turned to watch him. He didn't care what they thought, didn't care what anyone thought. "Don't wait for me."

"Son, I -- "

Seonghwa rushed out of the diner, lungs aching for fresh air. Standing outside, he leant against a wall and took some time to calm himself down and settle his rigorous heartbeat.

The moon was fully round tonight, shining in all its glory and putting the surrounding stars to shame, but the dark haired male couldn't find it in him to appreciate the sight.

Seonghwa's head hurt, his skin far too heated even with the breezy Autumn winds. His legs felt seconds away from collapsing totally. He started walking wherever caught his attention first, trying to fight off the nausea that'd wrung itself around his stomach.

The city lights shone all around Seonghwa, blurring into a mess of indistinguishable colours the more distance he covered. He felt nearly invisible with the amount of people walking side by side next to him, and he loved it. It'd be so easy for him to blend into serene nothingness right then and there, never having to worry about trivial matters ever again.

Maybe then he'd finally be free.

The hairs on the back of Seonghwa's neck suddenly stood up, causing his footsteps to falter slightly. His heart rate accelerated, and then he was walking even quicker than before, because something was out there. Something was following after him, swiftly coasting through the crowds just to get closer and closer to where he was.

Seonghwa pushed his hands into his pockets, trying to make himself as small as he possibly could. Dread guided his every step, his thoughts racing at the same pace as his heart.

Chills crept up his spine when that recognizable feeling of being watched only worsened, and fuck, it made him afraid.

Goosebumps scattered over Seonghwa's arms as fumbled for his phone, about to switch it on and call someone when a hand suddenly grabbed him, causing him to nearly leap out of his skin.

"Shit. Slow down, will you?" Hongjoong's voice edged its way into Seonghwa's brain, the taller's breath coming out in harsh pants.

Hongjoong's amused features dropped upon seeing Seonghwa's face. "...Hey, you okay?"

Seonghwa took a step back, narrowly bumping into some guy. He didn't even think to apologize, too busy trying to get his crazy heartbeat under control. Fuck, he didn't know what was happening. He didn't know what he was doing or where he was --

Hongjoong stepped in and pulled him into an alleyway, Seonghwa's mind in too much of a rush to stop him or do anything about it. "Hey...Hwa. It's okay, you're okay. I'm here. You're safe."

It was the shorter's first time calling him by that nickname, and normally Seonghwa would've opposed to it since only certain people could call him that, he...didn't say anything about it. Hongjoong's voice was close and soft, comforting him in all the right places.

His hands were also on Seonghwa, his touch feathery light and his fingers steadily patting down his hair. And Seonghwa didn't reject it, in fact he liked it. Hongjoong's hug made him feel a bit more secure. Grounded.

"I..." Seonghwa shut his eyes, Hongjoong's hand still stroking his locks. "I thought I was being followed."

"I saw you and decided to have a chat," Hongjoong replied, his tone hushed. He slowly rocked them side to side. "My bad."

Seonghwa breathed in the younger's soft scent, imagining himself over a cozy bed of flowers and a comforting beam of sunlight shining on him. His rapid heartbeat began to slow down.

"...Should I take you home?" Hongjoong asked. His voice had never sounded more sweet than it was at that moment. Seonghwa almost felt like he was being coddled, but he strangely didn't mind it.

"Not yet..." Seonghwa's arms awkwardly hung at his sides, but he couldn't do anything about them since he felt he and Hongjoong weren't close enough yet to touch each other like that.

Hongjoong looked up then, his piercing eyes boring into Seonghwa's. He didn't have any makeup on tonight, but his face was still smooth, still pretty. "Want me to take you to my house?"

Their prolonged eye contact made Seonghwa's neck burn, so he sort of looked to the side, hoping his actions didn't appear too weird. "Aren't your parents home?"

Hongjoong grinned, his eyes just seeming to know the taller had already agreed without even saying yes. "I don't have parents."

A second later, he had Seonghwa in his arms, teleporting into thin air.

The whole process was quick and gave Seonghwa deja vu when he remembered the last time Hongjoong had carried him and brought him to his house.

I don't have parents. These words lingered at the back of his mind once Hongjoong's house appeared in his peripheral view. And to be honest, he shouldn't have been surprised, especially considering the fact that he'd never seen the other's parents before. He couldn't help but wonder if Yunho was actually his biological brother or not.

The dream he'd had about Hongjoong destroying that orphanage resurfaced in Seonghwa's head again. No, it was just a dream. There's no way what you saw was actually real.

Hongjoong settled Seonghwa on his feet before unlocking the door to his house. It was then the taller boy noticed the long-sleeved lavender top he had on, the fabric stopping just a couple centimeters above the waistband of his ripped blue jeans.

Heat swelled in the apples of Seonghwa's cheeks. Hongjoong was basically wearing a crop-top.

The door opened, and then Hongjoong faced him. "Sorry if the house looks haunted or whatnot. Yunho's hanging out with one of his buds in another dimension, and I hadn't planned on bringing anyone over tonight."

Seonghwa swallowed hard, but then he started coughing. He turned to the side as if that would somehow lessen his embarrassment. "...It's fine."

Hongjoong looked thoroughly amused. "Well," he gestured into the house, "come on in, I guess."

"Oh -- right." Seonghwa entered, his heart thumbing vivaciously inside his chest. It became even louder the second Hongjoong locked the door behind them, encircling their bodies in darkness.

Hongjoong skipped to the kitchen and switched on the light, which relaxed Seonghwa somewhat. "You feeling for something?"

Seonghwa's eyes fell on Hongjoong's form again, but quickly learnt to regret that as the shorter was currently pulling out a box of cereal, his crop-top revealing the smooth muscles of his stomach. He nearly choked on his breath, because in addition to wearing a crop-top, he apparently had a freaking bellybutton piercing as well.

Hongjoong came up to him, placing the cereal box -- as well as two bowls -- on the dinner table. Seonghwa felt his entire body stiffen.

"I..." He avoided Hongjoong's gaze. "I already ate."

Hongjoong laughed, the melodic sound doing something to Seonghwa's tummy. "Well, more for me then."

Seonghwa shrugged and sat down, making sure his eyes never lingered on the shorter's outfit for more than a second. He played with his fingers, his intrusive thoughts storming in once more.

Hongjoong noticed. Of course he did. He balanced on the chair closest to him, dumping some Oreo O's into a bowl. "If you want, you can tell me what happened earlier. But if you don't wanna, it's fine."

"No," answered Seonghwa. "I... It's dumb, really."

He watched as Hongjoong casually took a spoon of cereal, his actions eliciting this sense of normalcy that comforted the taller and let him know that his world wasn't falling apart. Yes, Hongjoong was there, and he was eating. He was fine, so that meant Seonghwa also was. They were both okay, so Seonghwa didn't need to worry about anything anymore.

"It's not dumb," Hongjoong countered. "Nothing you feel is. Everything is valid."

Seonghwa smiled, but it quickly disappeared as soon as he remembered the events that'd played out tonight. "I went out with my dad tonight." He sighed. "I mean, I thought he took me out because he wanted to at least talk to me about whatever, really. I even got all presentable and hell, I kind of looked forward to it. But then he brought me to the diner he and mom had often visited when she was still alive under the pretence that he was just doing it for nostalgia's sake."

Hongjoong stayed silent, his eyes attentive as he closely listened to everything Seonghwa had to say.

"And then he started ordering everything she liked even when he hated some of the stuff," Seonghwa continued, his jaw clenched. "It was when I realized he never took me there to talk about us for once. No, he came there to cry and wallow in his sadness while talking about my mother who's been dead for seven years. God, I felt like a fucking idiot for ever agreeing to go out with him."

"I think your dad did want to spend some time with you," Hongjoong said, already done with his cereal. "But maybe...maybe he got caught up in his emotions after being surrounded by things that reminded him of your mother."

"Then why? Why did he bring us there if he was going to be like that?" Seonghwa couldn't help but question Hongjoong despite the fact that the other boy clearly wouldn't have the answers to everything. He just needed some kind of confirmation, some kind of assurance.

"...Sometimes we can't stop ourselves from seeking out what we miss the most," Hongjoong replied. He wasn't eating any more cereal, Seonghwa realized. Instead, he grew all quiet and contemplative.

Seonghwa wondered if his thoughts centered around that orphanage he'd witnessed getting destroyed in his dreams. Again, it's only a dream. A figment of your imagination.

But it'd felt so real.

Seonghwa's eyes landed on Hongjoong's nails, which were still as pink as they'd been from Wednesday. A very, very foolish idea waltzed into his head right then. But anything to get his mind off tonight would work, right?

"I have an idea," he spoke, alerting Hongjoong. "But, don't make fun of me for it."

⛓️

In front of Seonghwa and Hongjoong on the nightstand was an assortment of nail polish and glitter with every colour imaginable, and the taller began to feel a pinch of regret.

"No take-backs," Hongjoong told him. They were both on his bed, their legs crossed and knees brushing. His body literally vibrated with glee, looking through the nail polish bottles for the best one.

Seonghwa just felt a bit overwhelmed.

"Your birthday's April third, right?" Hongjoong said.

"I would ask how you knew that, but then again you admitted you'd been tasked to study me."

Hongjoong giggled, far too upbeat. "Bingo. Hey, you're an Aries. Think we should go for red?"

"Wow, how stereotypical," Seonghwa uttered, but Hongjoong just laughed. The shorter was being oddly bubbly again, smiling ear-to-ear. And hell, it shouldn't have affected Seonghwa as much as it did.

"Red is -- " his breath hitched once his and Hongjoong's eyes locked. "Red is okay."

Hongjoong grabbed two bottles, one a darker red than the other. "You trust me, right?"

Seonghwa laughed nervously. "Uh... yeah?"

Hongjoong smiled again, and that fuzzy type of warmth erupted in Seonghwa's chest. The shorter teen held up a hand, catching Seonghwa off-guard a little.

"I want a high-five for good luck," Hongjoong said.

"Oh." Seonghwa high-fived him, noticing the size difference of their palms. That warmth bubbled further, close to suffocating him. He inhaled deeply. "Good luck, then."

Hongjoong slowly intertwined their fingers, that showstopping smile still displayed across his features. Only now it was gentler, more sincere. "Thank you, Seonggie."

Seonghwa quickly nodded, clearing his throat. "It's -- it's okay."

Hongjoong started working on his nails.

At first, Seonghwa felt rather self-conscious of his hands especially with how observant Hongjoong was of them, but then that feeling eased when the shorter complimented him on how 'modelesque' they looked as if he could read his mind. Seonghwa had cringed at the term, but at least it made him feel much better than before.

Surprisingly, red looked...nice on him. The crimson colour faded into a sleek cherry on each nail, working exceedingly well with the little bits of gold glitter Hongjoong had sprinkled here and there. The shorter had even stuck a small and simple butterfly decoration on both his thumbnails, which made his fingers a lot prettier.

"As you've probably noticed," Hongjoong finished off the last nail with as much care as he could muster, "I paint my nails a lot."

Seonghwa chuckled. "Yeah, you do."

Hongjoong chuckled as well. "It's one of my favourite things to do - even more than ridding Mons of their existence. It...calms me down is basically what I'm getting at. I get to choose how my nails will look like, as well as the overall design and the details. The results are endless."

Seonghwa, as much as he hadn't expected it, had to agree with Hongjoong on this one. As the boy painted his nails, an indescribable serenity had surrounded them. It seemed like time had slowed down completely, nothing but Hongjoong's steady breaths and the delicate piano medley playing from his phone on his mind.

Hongjoong still held Seonghwa's hands cautiously in his, like they were the most treasured things in the universe. "Let's play 20 questions."

Seonghwa raised his eyebrows. "Just like that?"

Hongjoong smiled, subtly squeezing the taller's palm. His canines made him appear devilish -- wait, no. A sweet devil.

"Yes, just like that." Hongjoong remarked. "And it requires one hundred percent honesty from both sides. I'm going first."

Seonghwa nodded, liking the way the shorter boy caressed his knuckles. "...Okay."

"Alright," Hongjoong cleared his throat. "A few moments ago when you kept staring at me, kept looking into my eyes...what were you thinking?"

Seonghwa's eyes widened. "Don't say it like that. I wasn't...staring into your eyes, what?"

"You were, though." Hongjoong shifted even closer. "C'mon, tell Hongjoong what's up."

"Just -- stop. Don't refer to yourself in third person."

"I like it though."

"No."

"Alright, alright." Hongjoong rolled his eyes. "So... What do you have to say for yourself, huh?"

Seonghwa inhaled a huge breath. "Your smile."

For once, Hongjoong's smirk fell off. "My...smile."

"I thought that..." Seonghwa chewed his lip, not believing he was really about to say this, "that it made you look like a sweet devil."

Hongjoong's face at that moment was priceless. He laughed out loud, but his hold on Seonghwa's drying fingernails never wavered. "Okay -- that's new. But... I like it. Sweet Devil Hongjoong; nice."

Seonghwa pushed down his embarrassment. He'd already admitted what he thought, so now there was nothing he could do but own up to it. "Shut up. It's my turn now."

Hongjoong still looked like he was contemplating it though. "Sure. Hit me."

"Do you really think I'm boring?"

The shorter definitely did not anticipate that, guessing by the way he blinked. He composed himself quite quickly however. "No, you're not boring. I'd been kidding that time."

Then why'd you say it? Seonghwa nearly asked, but he couldn't break the game's rules.

"Did I hurt you?"

Seonghwa's pulse raced as a result of Hongjoong's soft-spoken words and the tender way he kept staring at him. "N-No."

Hongjoong nodded. "Alright. But if I did, I'm sorry. I wasn't in the best of moods at that time, and you ended up being my target."

"It's okay. No need to apologize." Seonghwa felt a little awkward. He wasn't used to the shorter being so apologetic, being so considerate with him. It brought back those dreaded feelings that he couldn't get rid of no matter how hard he tried.

"I asked a question, so it's your turn again," Hongjoong stated.

"You said you don't have parents. So, why did you lie at first about having them?"

"I want to pass."

"No." Seonghwa smiled as soon as he caught Hongjoong's mini pout.

"Fine. Yunho and I are orphans but the people we work for provided for our own house and stuff. Is that good enough for you?"

"Great, actually," Seonghwa responded with a sarcastic grin. Hongjoong returned it, nostrils flared and all, and they both found themselves doubling over with laughter.

"Alright: next question." Hongjoong cleared his throat. "What did you think of me that night we first talked?"

Seonghwa pretended he didn't hear a thing. "What?"

"What did you think about me when we first talked, Hwa?"

"Thought you were insane with that giant hammer you had."

"Rude," Hongjoong laughed. "Are you telling the truth?"

"Duh."

"Oh, but I think you thought a lot more than that."

"No, I didn't."

Hongjoong arched an eyebrow, pushing his hair behind his ear. Seonghwa's eyes couldn't help but follow that movement.

"We promised one hundred percent honesty, remember? If you tell me what you really thought about me, then I'll tell you what I really thought about you then."

Seonghwa's heart skipped a beat. He was nervous, and he didn't even know why. "...Your lips. They were red because of that lollipop, and I...thought they looked nice. Your eyes drew me in too. I thought they were unusual, but I...I couldn't stop thinking about them..."

Hongjoong was quiet, quieter than Seonghwa had ever seen him to be. And naturally, that made his anxieties increase.

"Was it weird?" Seonghwa asked.

Hongjoong shook his head. "No."

"What did you first think about me, then?"

"I thought you looked like the stubborn type. And guess what? I was right about that."

Seonghwa's ears turned pink. "Shut up."

"I also thought -- think -- you're pretty. Back then, and now." Hongjoong watched him with a little fond smile. "I remember thinking 'wow, you're gorgeous' when you spoke your first words to me, even when you were super soaked. But I wanted to talk to you too, tasked mission aside. I wanted to, maybe, get to know you a little better."

Seonghwa then realized his nails had dried a while ago in Hongjoong's grip, but he made no move to say anything. He was pretty sure his ears looked like a tomato right now. "Really?"

"Mhm. Really." Hongjoong bit his lip, looking a bit awkward. "Okay. My turn now. Yes."

Seonghwa chuckled, but that didn't hide how fast his heart was racing. "Yes. Your turn."

"Would you mind if I...kiss you?"

Seonghwa's heart stopped, his face so hot he feared it'd burst into flames any second from now. "...K-Kiss me?"

Hongjoong's enticing gaze didn't fall, didn't falter. "Yes. You can say no, and I promise not to bring it up ever again -- "

"I won't mind."

Seonghwa felt just as surprised as Hongjoong looked, but he shoved it all aside. Was he truly agreeing to this? He guessed he was.

Butterflies like the ones on his nails swarmed his stomach the moment Hongjoong shortened the space between them, his hands on his shoulders.

Seonghwa felt like he'd been drained of all oxygen seeing the shorter's face so close to his.

Hongjoong was beautiful, his eyes reminiscent of a glowing sunset and the twinkling stars that came along with it. His lips were prettily curved like always, as pink as Seonghwa's face probably was at that second.

The taller's heart thrashed wildly beneath his ribcage when Hongjoong placed a faint kiss on his cheek.

"Is that okay?" Hongjoong asked right next to his ear, his hands still kneaded around his neck.

Seonghwa couldn't, for the life of him, speak up, as his tongue felt a million times heavier.

So instead of doing so, he dived in to softly peck Hongjoong on the lips. It clearly took the shorter boy by surprise, but soon enough, Hongjoong brought their lips together again.

Hongjoong's kisses tasted of oreos, which wasn't a bad thing in the slightest. Seonghwa was sure his inexperience was obvious, but Hongjoong never commented on it. Instead, he guided the taller along, never too pushy or demanding or anything along those lines.

And Seonghwa was fine with it for the most part, that was until Hongjoong laid him on top his bed, slowly climbing over him. His breathing grew laboured, because the sight of Hongjoong over him like that with that lovely crop-top of his was nothing short of surreal.

Seonghwa couldn't believe this was happening.

"...Are you uncomfortable?" Hongjoong's face mirrored worry. "Should I stop?"

"No -- " Seonghwa gulped. "It's fine. You can c-continue."

Hongjoong laughed, lightly rubbing his thumb over Seonghwa's cheek. "You're so cute."

"I don't know if that's supposed to be a compliment or not."

Hongjoong kissed him again, deep and breathtaking. His lips were like rose petals, soft and slotting over Seonghwa's like they belonged there. Those butterflies in his stomach doubled in number.

The shorter lightly bit on Seonghwa's lower lip, tugging loosely at it, and Seonghwa had never seen anything more attractive than that in his life. Except for Hongjoong, of course.

His thoughts right now terrified him, but at the same time they felt liberating. Right now, he didn't have to overthink anything; all he had to do was act upon his impulses and not give a damn about the future for once.

Seonghwa let his hands run over Hongjoong's toned stomach, cupping his hips in the process. His heart felt seconds away from bursting through his chest when Hongjoong pressed a couple lingering kisses down his jaw.

"Is this okay?" Hongjoong murmured, sounding as breathless as Seonghwa felt.

"Mhm..."

Hongjoong's lips were on his again for what seemed to be the millionth time, but Seonghwa would be lying if he said he disliked it. With every kiss they shared, those feelings Seonghwa had grew and grew until they submerged him in the best way possible.

He really, really liked it.

A sound of a door shutting suddenly rang through the air.

"Joongie? Are you home?" It was Yunho.

Panic sparked under Seonghwa's skin at that very moment, but before he could do anything, Hongjoong had already swiftly gotten off of him, nonchalant as ever.

"Just...act normal," the boy told him, to which Seonghwa hurriedly nodded.

Yunho opened the door right then, peeking his head through the opening with a bright smile. Right then, his eyes took in Seonghwa's form on his brother's bed.

"Hey, Yunho," Seonghwa greeted, hoping he sounded 'normal' enough.

"We were hanging out," Hongjoong explained, his tone convincing as hell.

"Oh." Yunho's smile didn't leave his face. "Okay. I'll see you guys in a bit, then. I need to shower and...stuff."

"You do that," Hongjoong told him, and when his brother finally left he turned around to meet Seonghwa's stare. "...That was awkward."

"Very." Seonghwa's throat felt really dry.

But did Seonghwa regret kissing Hongjoong? He didn't think he did.

⛓️

a/n: sighh i should've prewritten another chapter before posting, but i rlly like this chap although i'm not sure when else i'm gonna update since life's been too chaotic and negative lately :((

alsooo shameless plug, i kinda have a new ateez book called 'darling' lmao. but it's not a fic but it's an imagines sort of thing,, i dare you to read it w/o smiling.

thoughts?