Merry Christmas! :)

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Kabanata 33

Tiwala

Nagising ako dahil sa tapik ng pisngi. It was Yuan.

"Breakfast, Tana? You have work?"

Naguguluhan ko siyang tiningnan hanggang sa maalala kung nasaan ako.

I rolled to my side and covered my face. "My alarm..."

"Hindi ka magising-gising kaya ginising na kita."

I sighed and nodded. "Susunod nalang ako."

Nang makaalis siya ng kwarto ay tsaka ako gumalaw at naghilamos. Naabutan ko siya na nasa kalagitnaan ng pagluluto.

"May fresh milk sa ref," he said, motioning to his matcha bar.

It's weird that he had a little matcha bar. Bawas na rin ang laman ng ilang syrups niya, mas konti nga lang iyong sa lavender. Iyon na lang ang gagamitin kong syrup para maiba.

"I had a weird dream," panimula ko habang gumagawa ng matcha latte.

"What is it?"

"Magkaklase raw tayo noong college, then sumasama raw ako sa gigs niyo. It's also surprising that I was close with your circle? Sina Cloud pati 'yung ex niya, si Savannah... I think Eros and Elgene is also with a girl? Binanggit niyo 'yung pangalan niya pero hindi ko na tanda. Then I woke up."

He had two cans of matcha and a thirty grams pouch of hojicha. Weird lang dahil mukhang kasing-dedicated ko na siya sa pag-inom ng matcha.

"The contest." He flipped the egg he was cooking. "Eros had a duet with a girl. Siya ba tinutukoy mo—si Erych? While Brella's the name of the girl that Elgene loves."

Natigilan ako hindi lang dahil sa inaalala ko ang mukha ng babae, kun'di pati na rin ang nangyari noon.

"I don't remember her face. At hindi ko rin masyadong naririnig 'yung pangalan ng binanggit mo."

"You've heard of Erych—Psyche ang tawag sa kan'ya ni Eros."

My mouth formed an 'O'.

"Brella, on the other hand..." He paused. "Elgene's still... hurt... so we don't mention her name much." Itinukod niya ang kamay sa counter.

"I still can't remember her face," saad ko habang kumukuha ng gatas sa ref.

Iyon siguro ang tinatanong ni Elgene dati noong nag-live report kami sa pet adoption center. He mentioned something about deserving a person he loves. I remember telling him to stay away if he didn't bring any good.

I finished pouring milk in the glass. "Ang naalala ko lang iyong hinila kita paalis... was it a right choice, Yuan? Kahit sinupladohan mo ako noong unang beses?"

His eyes shifted to me.

"You always know when to drag me away to save me," makahulugan niyang sabi.

Dumaan sa isipan ko ang lahat ng panghihila ko sa kan'ya paalis.

The contest, that one live report, Sebastian's birthday party, that woman in their building...

Ilang beses na 'yong nangyari. Sa lahat ng 'yon ba ay iniligtas ko siya?

"You always know when to save me. Kailan naman kaya kita maililigtas?" Nag-aalala ang mata niya.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at tinagpo ang tingin niya. "You don't always have to save someone who saved you."

Lalong lumambot ang tingin niya.

"I want to..." It came out as a whisper. "...especially that I'm in bliss when I'm with you."

Ang sakit sa tono niya ay humaplos sa dibdib ko; itinago ko nalang sa ngiti ang nararamdaman. Inaliw ang sarili mula sa emosyon sa pamamagitan ng paghugas ng pinggan.

Yuan noticed it too that's why he looked away.

I busy my mind to compose myself.

Alam kong iba na ang narararamdaman ko kay Yuan. Hindi ko alam kung kailan nagsimula, pero alam kong matagal nang may nababago sa 'kin. Hindi ko pinipigilan, hindi ko rin tinatanggap—hinahayaan ko lang dumaloy.

He seemed to notice it, too, considering that I went here for no reason.

But I did have a reason—to ask his opinion regarding what I did yesterday. 

Or maybe I'm just using it as an excuse to see him and talk to him.

Naitanong ko naman. Hinayaan ko rin ang sarili ko na mag-usap tungkol sa 'ming dalawa. Even if it wasn't related to our relationship, I felt happy learning about who he is.

"Uuwi ka pa? Walang trabaho ang misis ko?" pag-iiba niya ng usapan.

I lazily rolled my eyes as I dried the matcha bowl. "Nasa unit ko 'yung gamit ko. Don't you have any schedule today at nagawa mo pa akong ipagluto ng tanghalian?"

Tinuyo ko ang kamay bago tikman ang ginawang matcha latte.

Nagtalamsikan ang mantika nang sinalang niya ang karne. "Remember what I told you last night, Tana? Ipagluluto kita ng liemposilog. Sinaing nalang, baka mapanis 'yung sinangag."

Nasamid ako dahil sa tono niya.

Bumaling siya sa 'kin, natatawa. "Are you still thinking of the kiss, hm? Gusto mo isa pa?"

"Yuan!" Palibhasa, may kahulugan 'yung sinasabi niya!

Nawala ang pagkasuplado ng mata niya nang tumawa. Mapaglaro pang idinampi sa labi ko ang tissue kahit wala na namang pupunasan.

"Sinangag o sinaing..." he trailed off with a smile.

I couldn't take my eyes off him; seeing him carefree warmed my heart. He looked different from the Yuan I saw a few months ago. Iyong napakasuplado at irap nang irap, ni hindi man lang mahuli na nakangiti.

Baka sa 'kin lang niya ipinakikita, hindi ko sigurado.

But I liked that thought... this side of him to me... and this side of me to him...

Vulnerability.

"Pero uuwi ka pa talaga? Iiwan mo 'ko ritong mag-isa?" pagdadrama niya.

"Nahahawa ka na ba kay Cloud?" komento ko, natatawa. "My things are in my unit. Hindi nga dapat ako makitutulog dito, 'di ba? And I don't have a change of clothes aside from the one that I have in my bag."

Hinawakan niya ang bewang ko. "Just leave your things here... Pero pwede rin namang magpabili ako ng damit mo para madalas mo 'kong uwian."

Mabuti nalang at hindi ako umiinom kun'di baka naibuga ko na 'yon!

Ito na naman si Yuan. Agang-aga, nanghaharot!

"Ang aga-aga!" paninita ko, namumula ang mukha. I knew we were going to try to make this relationship work, but it was too early for me to get used to it.

"Maaga mo rin akong tinulugan."

Napaawang ang bibig ko. "Hindi naman?"

I continuously blinked when I saw how visible his pout was. 

Kunot na kunot na ang noo niya habang naghahango ng liempo. Mapaglaro pa 'kong inirapan habang pinahahaba lalo ang nguso.

"You arrived around seven, hinarot kita hanggang eight—"

"Hindi lang hanggang eight—"

"—we started talking by nine, until I realized that you're asleep because you're not responding anymore. Mabuti nalang at nakapag-shower na tayong dalawa bago mo 'ko tulugan."

Napasinghap ako. "It's because I insisted on cleaning up after eating!"

Mapaglaro siyang umiling. Itinukod niya ang kamay sa counter malapit sa bewang ko at itinagilid ang ulo. "But darling, itatabi pa rin kita kahit hindi ka pa nakapaglilinis ng katawan. That's how much I love you."

Inirapan ko siya at winisik ang kamay nang akmang hahawakan na naman ang buhok ko. "Kung inuna mo magluto kaysa humarot, makakakain na tayo."

"Pwede naman kitang harutin habang ginagawa 'yung mga 'yon. See? I was able to cook our breakfast and your lunch. Liemposilog."

"Sinasadya mo 'yan."

Ngumisi siya. "Yep, para maalala mo 'yung—"

I groaned and pushed him away because he got closer. Inayos ko nalang ang lamesa habang tinatawanan niya ako.

"But it's still on, tama ba..." His voice was hesitant. It felt weird because I had never heard him this... unsure.

Maybe there are different sides to this.

"Our relationship?"

Lumambot ang singkit niyang mata. Ang takot na nando'n ang sagot sa tanong ko.

I touched his hand, which was surprising for myself. Alam kong nakasanayan kong bawiin ang kamay sa mga nakagugulat ng galaw, but with my decision of vulnerability, I knew I had to get used to this.

"Yes, Yuan, we're going to make this relationship work," I assured. The glint in his eyes returned. "But I'm not used to being seen, so it might take a while."

He squeezed my hand before he pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, my mind being foreign to these emotions  I was getting.

I am not used to affection, but when it comes to him, it was easy for me to express it.

Nang matapos kumain at maghugas ng pinggan ay gumayak na 'ko.

Pinasuot niya sa 'kin ang gray t-shirt niya mula sa merchandise ng banda. Nga lang, may 'Yuan' na naka-cursive embroidery sa kaliwang dibdib. Naka-print naman ang setlist nila sa likod ng shirt.

Dumungaw pa talaga siya sa 'kin nang makapasok ako ng sasakyan.

"Uwi ka ulit sa 'kin, ha? Magde-date pa tayo."

Natatawa akong umiling. "Mag-uuwi muna ako ng gamit," pagsakay ko sa trip niya.

He pouted a little.

"Okay, but your house husband is a famous vocalist sometimes. I have band practices, vocal lessons scheduled later... Magiging busy ako at hindi kita masasalubong sa bahay... pero 'wag kang makipag-di-divorce, all right? Sa 'yo lang ako uuwi."

Namamangha ko siyang tiningnan habang binubuhay ang sasakyan. "Ang galing mong mag-acting."

"I'm not acting," nakangisi niyang sagot bago ipinaling ang pisngi at itinuro 'yon. "Goodbye kiss, Thomasina."

Umirap ako at hinalikan ang pisngi niya. Gano'n din ang ginawa niya sa pisngi ko.

"Drive safe, darling," he said after he kissed my cheeks. "Uuwi ka pa sa 'kin."

* * *

My happiness mellowed down when I got in my room and saw the envelope on my bedside table.

A stream of guilt ran through my body.

Napabuntonghininga ako nang sinalat ang pangalang nasa damit. I traced the thread with my fingertips, the texture of it settling inside my heart.

NORTH

He was right—it was bliss when I was with him.

But it's so unfair... it's too quick.

Napaupo ako sa gilid ng kama at pinakatitigan ang pangalan ni North sa likod ng envelope. Sa bawat segundo ay bumibigat ang nararamdaman ko.

Yuan.

Naalala ko ang mukha niya habang kinakausap ako noong nasa Nueva Ecija kami. Pati na rin ang mukha niya kagabi nang pasimpleng banggitin ang nawawala sa kan'ya.

Ang lola niya, ang charm bracelet, ang litrato...

I know he's hinting about North. He dropped a few signs that he wanted me to help him, but he was too afraid to push it on me.

Paano nalang 'pag nalaman niya na...

Hindi nakatutulong na amoy na amoy ko siya dahil sa suot na damit. Idagdag pa na ini-spray pa sa buhok at balat ko ang pabango niya.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata at inihiga ang kalahati ng katawan sa kama. Dumilat para tumitig sa kisame ngunit wala namang makuhang makapagkakalma sa nararamdaman.

I swear I will tell him all of these.

Sinalat ko ulit ang naka-embroider na pangalan gamit ang kanang kamay. Ang kaliwang kamay naman ay nakapatong sa envelope sa lamesa.

My eyes on the ceiling, I mindlessly caressed both materials as I weighed my decisions.

The loud beating of my heart and the feelings that were seeping through made me conflicted even more.

With my fingers tapping on the envelope, I felt another surge of guilt. Napapaso ang daliri ay inalis ko ang kamay at mabilisang tumayo. Nagpalit ako ng damit at nag-makeup bago tuluyang umalis sa unit.

* * *

Nang makarating sa trabaho ay paulit-ulit kong ni-rehearse sa isipan ang sasabihin kay Ma'am Jangco.

Abot ang kabog ng dibdib ko hanggang makarating sa pinto ng office ni Ma'am Jangco. I rehearsed the final set of lies that I will tell before I knocked on the door with my shaky hands.

I was greeted by her smile before she asked about my progress on the documentary project.

"I really couldn't find any data," I lied through my teeth. Hindi pa rin nakahuhuma ang nararamdaman ko kanina.

Nagbuntonghininga siya. Halata sa mukha na nagdadalawang-isip kung patuloy pa bang i-aaward sa 'kin ang project na 'to.

"It's been what—four months since I gave you that? Ano ba 'yang first case mo at hirap na hirap kang makakuha ng information? Baka makatulong ako. Have you been utilizing your connections?"

Palihim akong humugot ng hininga.

"Yes, but it's still challenging po to find several data. Pero tinatrabaho ko na po 'yung pamalit sa una kong nahanap," ang tangi kong nasagot.

I hesitated to tell another lie but I said half of the truth.

Hinilot niya ang sentido. "Sigurado ka na d'yan? Hindi dead end tulad ng una mong project? Ano ba 'yung una mong case, Tamara?"

"It's... a missing person, pero masyadong limited ang data kaya hindi ko na po itutuloy." Lie.

"Then what about the one you said earlier? Missing person din ba?"

"Opo, but this time, there were several data about it."

Naninimbang ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "What's with missing persons and..." Winaksi niya ang kamay sa ere. "Anyway, kung alam mo naman pala na wala kang mapapala sa una mong case, ba't ka pa nag-intay nang ilang buwan?"

"It's a cold case, and I was hoping I could get something new about it," determinado kong sagot.

Nagbuntonghininga muli siya at humilig sa lamesa. "Pwede pa ba nating pabilisin 'yung bagong case na hinahanap mo? Tamara, you know how we work—we need to think of new projects for the next year. Ang dami nating aasikasuhin and we need your data ASAP, so we can decide. Please."

I smiled a little. "May lead na naman po ako tungkol do'n."

She showed a grim smile. "That's great, but I want a product, okay? Can you give me a finished product by the end of this week, if not, this month?"

One month...

"Yes po, noted on this. I'll try to find more cases in one month," I confirmed before I bid goodbye.

I didn't realize how loud my heartbeat was when I got out. Maybe I was too overwhelmed in telling lies.

But I have to do this.

She gave me three months to conceptualize the content for the first few episodes, and one month for finalization and approval. Dalawang documentary pa lang ang nasisimulan ko—ang kay North at iyong nawawalang lalake.

North is my first case, and I was able to collect a lot of information for three months with the help of Kuya Thunder. Nga lang, masyado akong nag-focus do'n kaya nawalan na ako ng oras para sa iba pang cases.

Ngayon, kailangang maghanap pa 'ko ng ibang cases para sa project ko.

I need to do the right thing.

Habang papunta sa parking ay nakasalubong ko si Eli. Saglit kaming nagkausap dahil parehong nagmamadali. May kinausap lang daw siyang producer sa station at may pupuntahan pang site para i-cover sa live news.

Mabilis kaming nagpaalam sa isa't isa at pumasok sa sasakyan. Nakasakay siya sa news van kung saan nakatatak ang pangalan ng broadcasting station. Sinundan ko ng tingin ang pag-alis ng sasakyan niya, inaaliw ang sarili para huwag na masyadong mag-isip.

But I am still bothered.

Hindi ko na sana poproblemahin pa ang trabaho dahil wala namang naka-schedule sa STATION. Wala rin akong aalalahanin bilang reporter dahil abala ako sa documentary project.

At dahil wala na akong gagawin, kaya ko nang pagtuonan ng atensyon iyong kay North. I just need to make a few arrangements and then we'll...

And what now, Tamara? What's next after you finish that case?

I wonder... was my mother put in the same situation as mine?

* * *

When I got to the parking lot of S&T Records, I contemplated whether to leave the car or not. Hindi ko sigurado kung nasa opisina si Ma'am Greta at ayoko rin namang tanungin sa Viber.

Hindi rin ako sigurado sa magiging desisyon ko, ngunit handa ako sa kung ano ang madadatnan ko sa opisina niya.

I composed myself before I got out of the car.

Inayos ko ang sarili at pumasok sa loob, binati ang guard, at kabado habang nakasakay ng elevator. Sa bawat palapag na tinitigilan at empleyadong pumapasok, nagdadasal akong wala akong makasalubong na myembro ng banda.

Ang gusto ko lang makausap ay si Ma'am Greta, wala nang iba.

Gano'n nga ang nangyari.

"Tamara, hija, do we have a meeting that I forgot to take note of?" naguguluhan niyang tanong nang pumasok ako sa opisina niya. She was checking the calendar on her table. "Wala ang mga alaga ko rito dahil may vocal lessons sila. Sila ba ang pakay mo?"

Palihim akong napalunok. "Yes, nasabi naman po ni Yuan."

"Kung gano'n naman pala, what brings you here? May balita ba tayong hindi na-filter? May problema ba tayo sa setup? Tell me, hija," sunod-sunod niyang tanong, pinauupo ako.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga, iniisip kung tama ba ang sasabihin.

Wala naman akong napagdesisyonan ngayong araw, pero sa mga impormasyon na nakuha ko, masyado na 'kong magiging sakim kung itatago ko pa.

"About Yuan..." Sinulyapan ko siya. "...'s sister."

I saw how she froze, but immediately recovered. "Anong kapatid, hija? May kapatid si Yuan?"

Hindi ko sigurado kung nagsisinungaling ba si Ma'am Greta o ano.

But they say that a liar can catch another liar. Maybe I'm not just as great as her.

Nahihirapan akong lumunok. Nahihirapan na rin akong mag-isip kung tama ba 'tong ginagawa ko.

Yuan, please don't barge into this office.

"May nagsabi sa 'kin na alam niyo raw po ang tungkol do'n," saad ko, bahagyang nilalamig dala ng kaba at ng hangin sa kwarto.

Lumalim ang kunot ng noo niya. "What nonsense are you saying, hija?"

Pansin at dinig ko ang diin sa bawat salita niya. She had the same tone as me before—the desperation and defensiveness were all too familiar in my ears.

So, it's true.

"I heard that he's been searching for his sister—"

"Yuan has no sister. Hindi ko alam kung saan mo nalaman na may kapatid siya."

Para akong nakikipag-usap sa pader na unti-unting bumababa.

"I want them to meet. I want to ask a for a few days of leave para magkita silang dalawa," giit ko, naririndi sa lakas ng tibok ng puso.

"All he ever did is to have a vacant day, Tamara. Hindi ko papayagan 'yan."

Is she considering it?

"Even if it means that he'll meet his sister?" I probed more, hesitant yet strong-willed. "Not today and not this week, but next month, or next, next month. If sasabihin po nating wala, pero meron, will you hinder him from meeting his sister?"

Her chest heaved up and down. She feigned ignorance, but I'm holding on to Kuya Thunder's words that she knew it.

Abot-abot ang kaba sa dibdib ko. I was never pushy nor vocal with my wants, but I could, especially if it was related to my job.

But this... it's not related to my job anymore—it's very personal, and it's my first time to push for something away from what I'm used to.

"Naiintindihan ko po na gusto niyong protektahan si Yuan, pero hindi ko po sigurado kung hanggang kailan ako may opportunity para dito." Bahagyang pumiyok ang boses ko. "I also know that Yuan has been searching for his sister, but stopped because he couldn't get through the leads."

Her expression showed that she won't back up. 

But just a little more and I know she'd confess.

"May lead po ako. Alam ko rin po kung nasa'n ang kapatid ni Yuan. All I'm ever asking is for you to help me schedule a meeting with his sister."

I was never good with words, especially about what I felt.

Pero pagdating kay Yuan, palagi nalang kay Yuan, gusto kong iparinig ang nararamdaman ko. Igiit ang bagay na pinaniniwalaan ko. Mapuno ng katotohanan ang sinasabi ko.

Her silence was deafening, but I could see how emotions were all over her face—on how she is considering it. Pero kung hindi man siya pumayag ngayon, gagawa pa rin ako ng paraan para pumayag siya.

I will never stop because Yuan deserves to know. He deserves to be with the person he was missing. Alive, at that.

Napalunok ako dahil sa sakit na dumaan sa lalamunan ko.

And maybe this is for me.

"Who told you this? Is this a part of your documentary project, Tamara? Will this air?" 

Nabuhayan ako ng loob. I couldn't determine whether she'd agree or not, but her questions and tone were leading to it.

"Rest assured that everything will be kept private," I answered, hope in my tone.

She eyed me curiously. "So, this won't be aired?"

"This is too personal to be aired," I confessed with the words stemming from my heart.

She looked at the papers sprawled all over her table before she cupped her face.

The silence drew for so long that I saw myself in Yuan's shoes. Maybe I assumed what he'd feel but I was sure that I am right. Paulit-ulit kong pinaaalala sa sarili ang kahihinatnan ng mga desisyon ko tungkol sa kan'ya.

We even come into terms that we'll communicate with each other well.

But this? I don't think I could communicate this to him. I don't think I could tell it to him. 

Not now. Not yet. Not until we're at the island.

Nagpakawala siya ng hininga. "Alam ba ni Sally ang tungkol dito?"

"She knows that I'm working on a missing person case."

"Pero alam ba niya kung sino ang nawawala?"

"No. Hindi ko po sinasabi."

I could sense a bit of hostility when she scoffed.

Sino ba nga naman ang hindi magdududa sa 'kin ngayon?

"Bakit parang ang hirap mo biglang pagkatiwalaan?" Nanunuya ang tingin niya.

I maintained a straight face, but I am hurt.

"Tama ba ang desisyon ko na umamin akong may kapatid na babae nga si Yuan? Hinuhuli mo ako, sumabit ako sa patibong mo. Ito ba ang pinaplano mo sa simula, hija?"

Ganito ba si Tamara? Pagkatapos niyang makuha ang tiwala namin ay lolokohin niya kami? Ano ba ang pinaplano ng batang 'to?

Iyon ang dating ng tono niya sa 'kin.

"This is absurd. Saan mo nakuha ang..." She heavily sighed. "I am hesitant to trust you with this, hija. Masyadong... hindi ko alam, inaalala ko ang mararamdaman ng batang 'yon. Pamilya ko na rin ang batang 'yon at gusto ko lang ang nakabubuti para sa kan'ya."

"You just have to trust me with this po. I will protect the band in any way that I can." Buo ang loob ko.

Nananantiya niya akong tiningnan, pero tinatagan ko ang sarili.

This is my chance... this is his chance to meet his sister.

Whether I'm playing fate or not, I know he deserves to meet his sister.

"How many days do you need?"

Napakurap ako. "P-Po?"

"Ilang araw ang kailangan mo?" Inilipat niya ang tingin sa kalendaryong nasa lamesa.

Nahigit ko ang hininga. "D-Days..."

"Mabait ako, and I am doing this for Yuan's sake. That's why I'm asking you—how many days do you need?"

A week... would a week be too much?

I... didn't know what to feel.

"Alam po ba nina Cloud ang..."

"Yes. Alam ng buong banda."

If this turns out bad, then...

"W-Will a week be too much?" tanong ko, mabilis ang tibok ng puso, bahagyang nanginginig.

"It depends on their schedule, pero hindi ko agad maibibigay ngayong buwan." She flipped through the calendar. "Dalawang buwan pa ang hihintayin mo bago mabakante ang schedule ni Yuan. Matutuloy mo pa ba 'yan pagkalipas ng dalawang buwan, Tamara?"

Two months...

Is that enough to settle everything with the Orozcos? Alam kong si Kuya Thunder ang mag-aasikaso no'n, pero gaano ba sila kahirap kausap?

Teritoryo nila ang pupuntahan namin. Inaalagan nila ang dadayuhin namin.

Kabado akong nagpakawala ng hininga at itinago ang nanginginig na kamay. "I-uupdate ko po kayo tungkol do'n..."

"Okay," she said promptly. "Aasahan ko 'yan, hija."