Kabanata 32

Usap

I found myself in front of Yuan's house. 

I thought I could visit as a surprise, but forgot that the guards had to call the owner to confirm their visitor.

Ayan tuloy, nakahalukipkip siya habang nagbabantay sa labas ng gate. Kumportable pang nakasandal sa pader habang hinahaplos ang katawan ng mapusyaw na ilaw. Umalis nga lang sa pwesto nang makita ang pagdating ko.

He went to my side which I rolled my window down on. Ang magkabilang kamay niya ay nakatukod sa pinto ng sasakyan.

Unang bumati ang vanilla niyang pabango.

"You're really here," hindi niya makapaniwalang sabi. Bahagyang nakakunot ang noo habang nakamasid sa 'kin.

Nagpakawala ako ng maliit na ngiti at nagkibitbalikat. "Ipapark ko ba 'to sa labas?"

"Ipagbubukas kita ng gate."

He moved swiftly to open the gate and let me park inside.

Pagkasara niya ng gate ay pumunta ulit siya sa pwesto ko, hinihintay akong bumaba. Nagpresenta pang tutulong sa paglabas ng gamit pero shoulder bag at tumbler lang naman ang dala ko.

"What?" tanong ko nang makalabas ng sasakyan. Sa paraan ng pagtingin ay hindi siya makapaniwala na nandito ako.

He tucked his hands in the pockets of his black shorts and gazed towards my car. "Wala lang... Just can't believe that you're here."

"Bawal ba?"

"Hindi naman." Bumalik ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "Dalasan mo lang."

Napaawang ang bibig ko. Lumakas ang tibok ng puso. Parang nawala ang irita ko kanina.

"Para akong inuuwian ng asawa ko," dagdag pa niya na siyang ikinalaglag ng panga ko. May maliit na ngisi habang nakatingin sa 'kin.

"Asawa?"

He chuckled lightly before putting his hands on my waist. "And I'm the house husband who waits for his wife who works as a reporter."

Napatitig nalang ako dala ng kinikilos niya, walang masabi.

Kinuha niya ang shoulder bag ko at sinukbit 'yon. Kukuhanin pa rin sana ang tumbler ko pero inilayo ko na sa kan'ya.

"What?" he probed and peeked at me behind the strands of his hair. Bahagya na kasing mahaba ang bagsak niyang buhok kaya tumutusok na sa mata.

"May kamay ako," pagsusuplada ko bago bumaba ang tingin sa suot niya.

His white compression shirt emphasized how built his torso was, while the dim outdoor lights strengthened the shadow's weight on his body.

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin nang maramdaman ang tingin niya sa 'kin. Napansin ko pa ang pag-iling niya kasabay ng mahinang pagtawa.

"Don't worry. 'Di naman ako aalis. You can stare at me all night."

Umirap nalang ako at sinundan siya papunta sa entrance.

His back looks nice...

Nang pinagbukas niya ako ng screen door ay nang-aasar pa akong tiningnan. "You like my back?"

Irap ang naging depensa ko sa hindi pag-imik.

Humaharot siya ngayong araw.

But I didn't come for this, didn't I? I just want to ask for his opinion about what I did... it felt like he's the most sensible person to talk to.

"Kumain ka na?"

Binigyan niya ako ng tsinelas nang makapasok sa loob.

"Not yet. I'm just going to stay for a while."

I didn't fail to notice how bright his aura was.

He hummed and nodded. "Di ka rito matutulog?"

"Ha?" Napakunot ang noo ko.

Ngumisi na siya. "Ba't pa ba 'ko nagtatanong kung dito ka na nakatira?"

"Ano?" Lalong kumunot ang noo ko. "Sasaglit lang ako, I just need company."

"My clothes will fit you. Tatabi ka ba sa 'kin?" pagbabalewala niya sa sinabi ko.

"Ha?" pag-uulit ko, nagugulat sa mga naririnig. "May sakit ka ba?"

Mali yatang desisyon na bumisita ako?

He put his hands on my waist and pulled me a bit closer.

"Let's play house," he whispered as if anyone shouldn't hear him!

Tiningala ko siya habang nang-aakit niya akong tiningnan.

"Baliw ka na ba?"

Lalo lang siyang natawa sa tanong ko!

He guided me towards the kitchen and put my bag in the living room. Pinaupo niya 'ko sa tabi ng island counter.

"Hindi ka ba nawi-weirduhan na bigla akong nagpunta rito?"

"Isn't it normal?" He shrugged as he went beside me. "Biglaan din akong nagpunta sa unit mo. Now I know what you felt."

"Hindi kita aayain papunta sa probinsiya ko," I said, referring to that one time he asked me to come with him to Nueva Ecija.

He shrugged. "It's fine. Tapos na 'ko mamanhikan kasi kasal na tayo."

Tuluyan nang nawala sa isipan ko ang problema ko. Napalitan na 'yon ng panghaharot ni Yuan!

"You're playing house seriously." Bahagya na akong natatawa. Hindi ko nga lang mapigilan ang pagngiti kasi umaamba na ang paghaba ng nguso niya.

Dramatiko niyang inilagay ang kamay sa dibdib. "Kapag inuwian ng asawa, wala akong karapatan magtampo kasi pinili mo 'ko," he murmured as if a chant to himself.

Napailing-iling ako habang pinagmamasdan siya. Sinong mag-aakala na may gan'tong side si Yuan?

At sinong mag-aakala na sa 'kin niya ipakikita 'yon?

Natigilan ako sa naisip, bahagyang gulat dahil sa paglakas ng tibok ng puso.

Napansin niya yata kaya hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko.

"Anong gusto mong kainin? Kinain mo ba 'yung baon mo? Sa'n lunch box mo nang mahugasan ko? Masarap ba 'yung ulam?" sunod-sunod niyang tanong habang hawak ang kamay ko.

Natatawa ko 'yong inalis. "Yuan, ano ba..."

He squeezed my hand. "I said let's play house, Thomasina. Besides, the moment you arrive at my house, you need to follow my rules."

I rolled my eyes at how it sounded. "That's so childish."

"My house, my rules," giit niya, may tono ng pang-aasar.

Defeated, I sighed and nodded. "Yes, masarap 'yung lunch."

He attentively nodded and put a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Anong gusto mong baon bukas?"

Palihim kong hinigit ang hininga. Nako-conscious tuloy ako dahil sa lapit niya sa 'kin. Hindi rin nakatutulong na nakaupo ako habang nakatayo siya, ang hininga niya ay bahagyang humahaplos sa mukha ko.

"Ano bang meron sa ref?"

"Gusto mo ba ng liemposilog?"

"S-Silog?" bahagyang nanginig ang boses ko nang maglandas ang daliri niya mula pisngi hanggang leeg ko.

"Mhm..." Nanatili ang malalim niyang tingin sa 'kin, ang ulo ay bahagyang nakatagilid.

Tuluyan nang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. "Sinangag?" I paused to suck a deep breath. "Hindi ba siya m-mapapanis..."

"Gawin nating sinaing..." Lumalim ang boses niya kasabay ng paglapit ng mukha.

Unti-unting umiinit ang paligid ko kasabay ng paglapit niya sa 'kin. Halos marindi na rin dahil sa tibok ng puso kaya napisil ko ang kamay niya.

"Okay lang ba?" bulong niya, ang labi ay malapit na sa 'kin.

Hindi ko alam kung sinangag o sinaing pa ba ang pinag-uusapan namin o iba na, pero tumango nalang ako. Ako na rin ang nagdampi ng labi ko sa kan'ya, inilalagay ang kamay niya sa bewang ko.

Pumihit siya bago dahan-dahan akong buhatin upang makaupo sa countertop. Maingat niya akong hinahalikan habang nanantili ang pagmasahe niya sa bewang ko. Ang kamay ko naman ay nasa balikat at batok niya.

"Yuan..." I whispered when his kisses turned hungry. Ang pagmasahe niya ay may kaonting panggigil na.

"Tana," he groaned.

Bahagya akong dumilat at nakita siyang nakapikit. Bumaba na ang isang kamay niya sa hita ko kaya unti-unti kong pinuputol ang halik. Patuloy pa rin siya sa pagmasahe ng bewang ko ngunit ang isang kamay ay napunta na sa pisngi ko.

I touched his hand on my cheeks when his kisses went wild again.

"Yuan," pagtatawag ko, takot na baka madala rin sa halik niya.

Naitutulak na niya paatras ang mukha ko dahil sa pwersa ng paghalik. Pumunta na ang isang kamay sa baba ng likod ko, sinusuportahan ang katawan ko.

I gasped for air but he immediately took my lips. He teased me a little while I slowly pushed him away.

"Tana..." he groaned again; his breathing rugged.

Nag-iinit ang paligid dala ng pagdikit ng katawan namin sa isa't isa.

I tried my best not to get lost in the sensation, especially now that his kisses turned different. His hand now pressed my body to his, with his body in between my legs.

It almost got the best of me until I bit his lips.

"Aray!" He stopped but didn't pull his body away from me.

I breathlessly laughed as he touched his lips and saw traces of blood.

Hindi siya makapaniwalang tumingin sa 'kin.

"You don't have to bite me," pagmamaktol niya habang pinipisil ang bewang ko.

"Ayaw mo kasing tumigil," natatawa kong sabi, ang kamay ko ay nasa balikat niya. Pasimple ko siyang tinutulak palayo dahil naiinitan na.

Inirapan niya ako at sinalat ulit ang labi. Napangiwi pa dahil nasaktan.

"Gamutin mo 'to," pagrereklamo niya, nakanguso habang nakakunot ang noo.

"Mababaw lang 'yung kagat ko," saad ko habang iniinspeksyon ang labi niya. Kinagat pa niya ang daliri ko nang salatin ko ang sugat niya.

"Tsk. Pa'no na ko n'yan magtu-toothbrush? It will sting. Toothbrushan mo rin ako."

Natatawa akong umirap at sinubukang bumaba. "Your hand is not the one that's wounded, iyong labi mo. Kaya mo pang mag-toothbrush."

Ngumuso siya habang sinusundan ako ng tingin pagbaba. Ibinalik na naman niya ang kamay sa bewang ko.

"I can't. Magkakasakit ako nito. How can I attend our rehearsals and vocal lessons? I can't sing at this state, Tana. Sumasakit ang labi ko habang nagsasalita."

"Ang OA mo," saad ko, winawaksi ang pagmamakaawa niya. 

Hindi na 'ko mapakali dahil ang init na ng paligid. Pilit ko nang inaalis ang kamay niya sa bewang ko ngunit nagpupumilit pa rin siyang ipirmi doon.

I discreetly sniffed his vanilla scent. Unti-unti na akong nasasanay... baka mamaya ay maadik na.

Nahagip ng mata ko ang maliit na ngisi niya. Hindi ko nga lang sigurado kung nahuli akong inaamoy siya.

"May kanin ka pa sa ref?" Tuluyan na 'kong nakawala sa kan'ya kaya nagtungo na 'ko sa ref. Walang masyadong laman bukod sa prutas, gulay, dairy products, at ilang naka-tupperware.

"Sinangag o sinaing?" makahulugan niyang sabi na siyang ikinairap ko. Tinawanan lang ako nang magpunta sa gilid ko!

"Wala ka bang bewang at lagi kang nakahawak sa bewang ko?" pagtataray ko, isinasara ang pinto ng ref.

At this point, we won't be able to get anything done because he keeps on flirting! Kailan ba titigil 'to si Yuan? Bigla-bigla nalang nanghaharot.

"Magpa-deliver nalang tayo... I can't cook for you, may sugat labi ko."

I sighed. "Hindi bibig mo ang maggagayat, okay? And you're so touchy!"

"Because I missed you."

Pumatag yata ang pagkakunot ng noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

At may gana pa siyang ngumisi nang makita ang reaksyon ko!

I put both of my hands up as I shook my head. "Ayoko na. Uuwi na 'ko. Ang landi-landi mo."

His laughter filled my ears when I walked away from him. It warmed my heart, but I won't let him see that. Masyado na siyang maraming ipinararamdam sa 'kin kaya hindi ako papayag na malaman niya 'yon!

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang may maalala. "Nasa'n 'yung ibang kasama mo rito?"

Nakangiti siyang naglakad patungo sa 'kin. Lumalapit na naman!

"Pinauwi ko muna para ma-solo kita."

"Yuan!" Ramdam ko na naman ang pamumula ng mukha!

"Yes, darling?" malambing niyang tawag na siyang ikinaawang ng bibig ko.

Napairap nalang ako dahil sa sagot niya. Hinaharot na naman ako ni Yuan!

"Time out, please?"

"Saan?" he asked innocently.

"Bakit hindi ka nalang magsuplado sa 'kin? I'm not used to how... this!" My hands were in the air as I tried to explain what he was doing.

He chuckled as he stepped forward.

Umatras ako. "Ayan ka na naman!"

"Wala naman akong ginagawa."

"Meron! Marami," depensa ko bago salatin ang pisngi. Paniguradong namumula pa rin ang mukha ko. "But just stop it, hindi ako sanay."

"Ayaw mo ba ng hinaharot kita?" He pouted a little. "It's exclusive for you. Don't you feel special, darling? Naka-reserve lang sa asawa ko."

I tucked my hair behind my ear and raised my hand. "Hindi ka naman gan'to ka..."

"Ka-clingy?" Nangunot ang noo niya. "I just don't show it before. Now, you're telling me you're not used to it? E 'di sasanayin kita."

My mouth was ajar, speechless because of what I've heard. Hindi yata si Yuan itong kausap ko ngayon!

He stretched his arms open. "Bati na tayo, please? Kain na tayo. I promise I won't kiss you for now because I can't do it yet. Kita mo ba 'tong sugat na ginawa mo? I'd rather you bite my neck than—"

"Oo na, oo na!" I said, flustered because of what I'm hearing.

Tawa lang ang natanggap ko.

Hindi nga si Yuan 'tong kausap ko. Ibang tao siya, ibang tao!

* * *

He finally settled down after we ate dinner and washed up. Susuotin ko dapat ang damit na palagi kong dala sa sasakyan, pero pinilit niya na damit nalang niya ang suotin ko.

Tinutuyo ko ang buhok nang lumapit siya sa 'kin, sinisinghot ako.

"Kaamoy mo na 'ko," he proudly said.

"Aso ka ba?"

He rolled his eyes and went to the ref. Nakasuot na siya ng printed white sleeveless shirt at black sweatpants. "You want wine?"

"May sprite ka ba d'yan?"

Tumaas ang isang kilay niya habang tinitingnan ang loob ng ref. Hanggang iabot sa 'kin ang sprite in can ay nakataas pa rin 'yon.

"Ayaw mo? Labag ba sa loob mo?" pagtataray ko.

Mabilis niyang ibinaba ang isang kilay. "Ihahalo mo ba 'yan sa red wine? I have sparkling wine if you want."

"'Yung sparkling nalang."

Napairap muli siya at kinuha sa 'kin ang sprite. Bote ng sparkling red wine na ang inilabas niya sa ref at inilagay sa counter. Naka-dim na ang ilaw sa kusina niya kaya may pagka-cozy ang paligid.

"Bakit ka na naman nagsusuplado?" tanong ko habang umuupo.

He peeked at me as he poured the drink in the glasses. "Ayaw mong humaharot ako. Ayaw mo ring nagsusuplado ako. I honestly don't know what to do."

Ako naman ang napairap. Nagdadrama na naman siya!

"Yuan..." I called before I sighed. "Never mind."

"What? May sasabihin ka, 'di ba?"

Tinanggap ko ang inaabot niyang baso bago uminom, ang tingin ay nasa paligid.

"I don't want to keep my hopes up, pero bumisita ka ba kasi wala lang?" Naningkit at nagsuplado na naman ang mata niya, parang nagtatampo. May kaonting nguso rin sa dulo ng tanong.

"Actually..." I trailed off, hesitant because of his expression. Umamo ang mukha niya dahil bahagyang bumait ang suplado niyang mata... kung tama ang nakikita ko.

"What?" tanong niya, naiinip. Napataas na rin ang isang kilay.

I sucked a deep breath. "I... need your opinion about this."

"You're going to write an article about me?" Lumalim ang kunot ng noo niya.

"No, I'm not..." Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "I... cut a friend off and I feel conflicted."

I'm not completely sure if I should open this up to him, but among the people that I'm close with, he's the most sensible person to talk to.

"You have a reason," he pointed out. "Babae or lalake?"

"Lalake." There was a victorious spark in his eyes when the word left my mouth.

"See? Nakaiirita talaga ang mga lalake." May pag-irap pa siya sa dulo.

Napakunot ang noo ko. "But you're a man yourself."

Humalakhak siya. "Nakaiirita ba 'ko, Tana?"

"Natitiis ko naman ang pagka-irita ko sa 'yo," I said as I played with the rim of the glass.

Natatawa siyang umiling. "Was it easy to cut him off?"

Hindi ako umimik. Was it easy because I immediately made up my mind?

Nagkibitbalikat niya. "If it was too easy to cut him off, then maybe you're not friends at first. Baka pinakisasamahan mo lang siya."

"I'm not sure if that's the case, but I knew I wanted to cut him off at that moment."

"Hm..." Sumimsim siya sa baso. "It's your guy not-friend anymore. The singer."

I tilted my head a little.  "Bakit mo alam ang tungkol kay Malik?"

He rolled his eyes. "You don't mention the names of the people you cut off."

"You're so bitter," komento ko.

"Siya lang naman 'yung lalakeng kaibigan mo na nakaiirita."

Napakunot ang noo ko at tinagpo ang tingin niya. Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin at naglagay ng wine sa baso.

"How did you know him?" pag-iintriga ko.

"I don't." He rolled his eyes again. "And he is an ass for whatever he did to you."

Humalumbaba ako. "Hindi mo man lang ba tatanungin kung ano ginawa niya?"

"You must have your reasons why you cut him off; you don't have to explain. That's personal, Tana, unless ikukwento mo sa 'kin?"

I smiled a little when I heard myself in him.

Personal... telling a story...

He's letting me know that I could tell him, but it's my choice if I would.

My heart leaped. "He didn't listen to me and failed to respect my boundaries, that's all..."

"Were you assaulted?" Tumalim ang tingin niya.

"No," mabilis kong sagot. "Just a verbal argument sa bahay ni Kamila. We met earlier to catch up, but Malik had a different thing in mind so..."

"You didn't like what he said," pagtutuloy niya, irita ay nasa tono.

"Yes. I've been setting and telling him the boundaries but he's not respecting and acknowledging it... that sums it up."

Tumango-tango siya. "That's what I'll do if that happens to me, Tana."

He poured the last contents of the wine into our glasses before he went beside me.

"You don't have to be sorry for cutting people off. It's for your peace."

Hawak-hawak ang baso ay nilagay niya ang kabilang kamay sa bewang ko, hinihila ako patayo.

"Tara sa labas. Mas presko do'n."

Habang sinusundan ko siya palabas ay hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman.

Was he biased towards me? Would he feel the same if he learned about Malik's side? 

We want to feel validated with the decisions that we make, which is why we usually ask the opinion of a friend whose answers favor us. 

But in Yuan's case...

Kaya ba siya ang tinanong ko kasi alam kong gusto ko ang maririnig ko? O nagkataon lang na pareho kami ng opinyon tungkol sa bagay na 'yon?

I've often heard from the band that Yuan and I get along well, given that our personalities are almost similar. When I asked them what exactly made us similar aside from the glare and the rolling of eyes, all I ever got was, "Pareho kayo mag-isip."

"Was that your answer because you know what I want to hear?" panimula ko nang maupo sa tabi niya. 

I anxiously eyed him.

"No." Tinagpo niya ang tingin ko. "Tulad nga ng sinabi ko kanina, Tana—I'd do the same."

It was my first time dealing with such changes in friendship—cutting people off. 

From what I could remember, I was mere acquaintances with the people I interacted with. It just happened that among the hierarchy of relationships, Malik was past that boundary, but has not reached the level of the people that I fully trust. 

And will not reach it.

He sighed and looked at the sky. "You don't have to bear the guilt of cutting people off. Think about it—ginawa mo 'yan para sa sarili mo kaya bakit ka magi-guilty? It's for your peace, and everyone will do the same." 

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

Itinukod niya ang kamay sa likod, sinusuportahan ang katawan niya.

"Then, you ask them, why cut me off? What's your reason for it? Wala naman akong ginawang masama sa 'yo. Did I cross a line and offend you? Parang wala naman." 

He shrugged.

"The point is: you don't know what you have and have not crossed that pushed them to cut you off. You did something bad; it harmed them. They cut you off, accept it. You don't have to say sorry for being firm on the boundaries you created." Tinagpo niya ang tingin ko. "You don't have to say sorry for choosing your peace."

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa hawak na baso.

"Does that answer your question, Tana? Hindi na ba ako tunog biased?"

I smiled a little before I nodded. "Thank you," I murmured.

"May tanong ka pa?"

With his heavy stare on me, I felt the loud beating of my heart. It pushed me to ask a question that I didn't consider until now.

"Naisip ko lang..." I trailed off. Pinakiramdaman ko ang paglakas ng emosyon ko. "I-Is it easier to be in a relationship with a person who shares almost the same qualities as you? Or would it be harder?"

Lumamig ang tingin niya. Hindi ko alam kung dala ba ng dilim sa paligid o gano'n ang nararamdaman niya ngayon.

His cold eyes continued to stare at me. I saw how he clenched his jaw.

"Pa'no naging mas mahirap?"

"Because, technically, you're dealing with yourself who you can't deal with," I pointed out. "Ni hindi mo nga makasundo sarili mo. Pa'no pa kaya kung makikipagtalo at hindi makakuha ng solusyon? Besides, we always hate losing to ourselves."

Nanatili ang titig niya sa 'kin—naninimbang, nananantiya, nangingilala.

I hate being seen...

"Why do we hate losing to ourselves?" he asked, his tone low and cold.

Kinilabutan ako. "Because we had no chance to win ourselves over..."

He drew his head closer; the dim light stroked the lines across his face. The shadow loomed over him, the warmth from the light replaced the coldness in his eyes.

Now warmer, he became more unbearable to be with.

Nakapaninibago.

"When we get ourselves into a relationship—do we win ourselves over or do we lose ourselves? Are relationships the only way to know ourselves, Tam?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin mula sa naniningkit niyang matalim na mata.

"Hindi naman..." His gaze pulled me to look back at him. "It's just that... it's a way to know ourselves better... to know what we want and hate, kasi may isang tao na magpa-re-remind no'n sa 'yo."

"Is it okay?" Itinagilid niya ang ulo, ang mata ay nag-aalala. "Is it okay with you to have someone to remind you what you want and what you hate?"

I blinked because of the foreign emotion in his eyes. "I think so, yes... so it could keep me grounded? Ikaw ba?"

Bahagyang naningkit ang mata niya at tumango. "What's pain without poetry?"

I think I have forgotten this side of him...

Yuan Thaddeus Montillano had never been a shallow person, more so, a person who would waste a chance to talk about things deeply.

He is a man who has his thoughts tucked in the pit of his heart and would always find ways to see the deeper side of things—the poetic side of things, his expertise. The interest he had in words and things beyond it was an area I hadn't touched, and if I would, it would be cruel to stay at its surface.

"You had always liked words," I pointed out.

"I don't like the words; I liked what they made me feel."

"Gusto mo rin makaramdam," I murmured.

"'Rin'," he resounded. His eyes were straight through me as they unraveled the depths that I could bear. "Is that a mutual feeling that we share, Thomasina Razikeen?"

Mutual feeling...

"Ginagamit ba natin ang isa't isa para matuto tayo?" pag-iwas ko sa tanong niya.

"Should relationships be that way?" Nanunuri pa rin ang tingin niya, nag-aalala kung saan patungo ang tanong ko. "We had our share of similarities. Should we use each other to learn about each other? Iyon ang tanong mo. Ano sa tingin mo ang sagot?"

"Ibig sabihin... it's better if opposite people get together with each other?" 

"Why are you asking me this?" His tone was careful; his eyes hopeful.

Hindi niya sinundan ang sinabi niya, binibitin sa ere ang tono. Idagdag pa na dahil sa katahimikan, dinig na dinig ko ang tibok ng puso ko. 

"Do you want to hear what I think about this?" tanong niya, ang tono ay naninimbang at nangingilala. Sa ekspresyon na ipinakikita ay may gusto pa yatang ihabol.

Gustohin ko 'mang mag-iwas ng ng tingin ay hindi ko magawa-gawa. 

There's something in his eyes that I wanted to look at—the foreign emotions I didn't know he could bear... and how it made me feel.

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me, Tana?"

I felt caught and naked.

As if the walls that I built were now taken down by his cold, keen eyes.

Bakit? Paano?

I didn't know that those were the words I wanted to hear...

I rapidly blinked, flustered. The knowing look in his eyes showed pride because he finally caught what I wanted to talk about.

"Gusto mo bang subukan?" pag-uulit niya nang hindi ako makasagot.

Tinagpo ko ang tingin niya. "A-Alin?"

"If two similar people could make it work."

Malakas pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko. Halos malagutan na ng hininga dahil sa bagong emosyon na nararamdaman.

"Make w-what work?"

"Relationships," seryoso niyang sagot. Nangingilala pa rin ang tingin niya sa 'kin.

Was this what I wanted to talk about? 

Napalunok ako. "It doesn't mean any romantic, right? Because—"

"Romantic, Thomasina, because I want to be in a romantic relationship with you. Hindi pa ba halata?"

Naitikom ko ang bibig nang walang masabi. 

Yuan stared at me with fascination and curiosity in his eyes. Every path it takes never fails to make me shiver because of the vulnerability it creates. 

Hindi naman siya gan'to tumingin dati—hindi masyadong nangingilala. Pero nang dahil sa sinabi ko, nabigyan ko siya ng pagkakataon na gawin 'yon.

I don't want to be seen. 

I am too scared to be seen. 

"I thought it's obvious already... manhid ka nga talaga." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at nagbuntonghininga. "But it's fine with me. We can take it slow together, if you want. Pero kung ayaw mo—"

"G-Gusto ko."

Pareho kaming natigilan sa sinabi ko. It came out faster than I could think, which is why I faced the other way out of embarrassment. 

Ipinaling nga lang niya ang mukha ko pabalik kaya nag-iwas nalang ako ng tingin.

"I suck at communication, but I am very vocal with you. Napapansin mo ba 'yon, Tana?" Bahagya niyang tinapik ang pisngi ko, senyales na pinatatagpo ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

I did what he wanted, but I was new to the new-found warmth in his eyes.

"I..." Hirap akong humugot ng hininga. "I-I don't know, Yuan... I'm new to this, baka magkamali ako—"

"E 'di sabay tayong magkamali." Determination was in his eyes. "Sabay tayong matuto. Sabay nating kilalanin ang isa't isa."

Sinapo niya ang pisngi ko.

"We can make this work if both of us want to..." May pagsusumamo ang tono niya habang ang puso ko ay puno ng kaba. "And I want to work on this relationship with you."

His tone was... very hopeful and breathless... sa sobrang lambot sa pandinig ay nahehele akong sabihin ang gusto ko.

Nangungusap niya akong tiningnan. "Do you want to work on this relationship with me, Thomasina?"

Pinakatitigan ko ang mata niya.

Every second that passed, the loud beating of my heart outweighed everything I deprived myself of.

This is the start, isn't it, Tamara?

Of giving the truth to myself, of telling no lies, and of knowing what I want? To be true to my emotions and acknowledge what I feel? 

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at hinawakan ang kamay niyang nasa pisngi ko.

But the truth is in front of me, and I just have to accept it.

"Okay..." I let out a shaky breath. "Let's try it together, Yuan..."