Kabanata 26

Sabi

I got off work the next day. Nagpaalam din ako kay Ma'am Greta na baka maging abala ako nang isang linggo dahil sa tinatrabahong documentary project. Nabigyan na ako ng go-signal dahil tapos na ako sa mga naka-assign sa 'kin.

Wala pa akong pinal na ideya tungkol sa magiging documentary, pero pinaplano ko na magsimula sa mga nawawalang tao. Whether I considered Yuan's suggestion or not, I knew that my mother's case influenced my final decision making.

The thought of successfully completing the case of missing persons should redeem me. Hindi ako papayag na hindi. Dahil kung papalpak ako, hindi ko alam kung paano ko maililigtas ang sarili ko.

And if I really fail?

I sighed and pushed myself to research more.

I need to focus first. I need to draft everything from start to bottom before I look for my problems. Mamomroblema na ba agad ako kung wala pa akong nasisimulan?

Naghanap ako ng mga topic na pwedeng gawin sa mga documentary projects. Ang pinaka-una ko dapat na ipakita ay iyong malakas ang dating sa masa. I need to get the ratings up then gain the momentum as I go.

I felt pressured with the thought, but I knew that I was not forced to take this project. Kailangan ko pa ring i-enjoy ang trabaho para hindi ako ma-burnout.

Midway through my research, I found topics which I found interesting. It's a compilation of cold cases and those who are already found. Tinitimpla ko pa kung ano ba dapat ang komposisyon ng documentary ko na magiging patok sa manonood pati na rin sa kagustuhan ko.

But the information that I had compiled are not enough.

Hindi maka-masa, the producers would say.

I felt bitter; I stopped what I was doing. Nakaramdam ako ng negatibong emosyon, partikular sa bagay na—kailan bang maging intersante ang buhay ng isang tao bago tumulong sa pag-iimbestiga?

I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

My morals were questioned, but I couldn't do anything about it. It was the usual in my job. Ang kailangan ko lang gawin ay ibaon ang nararamdaman, bagay na nakasayanan.

But of course, it would always remind me how hard it was to deal with the truth, especially if it involved my emotions and my morals. It made me feel bitter because I had to choose "what sustains the masses the most".

Though there were instances where it fit both ends, it didn't alleviate what I feel.

Baka may mas mahalagang balita pa rito, I would think.

At the end of the day—whether I was the only one who's facing these struggles or not—I had to make a living. It's the only way I could survive.

The next day, I decided to have a change of place.

Hindi ako sanay na sa iisang lugar lang pumunta dahil hindi ako kuntento sa "variation" no'n. Kaya lumabas ako ng bahay at nagpunta sa mall para magtingin ng mga libro. Titingnan ko kung paano nila binubuo ang mga salita para mas kumbinsido ang pag-na-narrate.

I checked the newspaper in the stall. Ilang dyaryo ang nando'n mula sa iba't ibang news station. May ilan ding lipas na. Wala naman akong nakitang maayos na detalye kaya lumipat ako sa mga libro.

I wasn't upon for buying thick books. Kailangan ko iyong madaling basahin, iyong straight to the point, at may makukuha agad ako na laman. Nga lang, napakahabang analysis ang nasa loob ng libro.

Some people recognized me and asked if it was okay to take a picture. I said 'yes', then we proceeded on taking a picture.

"Pwede pa bang magpa-picture?"

A man held out his phone to me. I looked up and was surprised to see a familiar face.

A darker version of Cloud...

"Kuya Thunder?"

He flashed a small smile.

At once, I saw their differences—mas madilim pa rin talaga ang mata ni Kuya Thunder kung ikukumpara kay Cloud. Kahit na nakangiti, nagliliwanag ang mata ni Cloud. Ang sa kuya niya, mas lalong pinadidilim ang mukha.

"Coffee, Tana? Or Tamara Ortegon from MLM News, is that the right way to address you? Libre ko."

I stared at him as a I weighed his words. "I'll just pay for this," I said and raised the book that I was holding.

"I'll pay for that, also. Magkano ba?"

Hindi na ako nakapalag nang mag-abot na siya ng pera sa cashier. Sinabi na kung gusto ko raw dagdagan ay gawin ko, pero tumanggi ako. Wala na akong matipuhan sa mga libro.

We went to a nearby coffee shop. Pinagbukas niya ako ng pinto, dahilan kung bakit sumalubong sa 'kin ang amoy ng kape.

Sinundan ko siya sa counter. Mag-aabot na dapat ng bayad para inilabas niya ang card, tinaasan ako ng kamay, at inilingan.

"Yours is matcha espresso?"

I squinted my eyes a little before I nodded. Naghanap nalang ako ng pwesto dahil pinaalis na niya ako ro'n.

He arrived a few minutes later. Nag-order din pala siya ng cake.

"They don't serve matcha pastries here," saad niya nang makaupo.

I was hesitant to touch the food that he ordered. Hindi ako sanay na nililibre lalo na kung hindi kami gano'n kalapit.

The last time that I talked to him was when we were in high school. Hindi active si kuya sa social media, gano'n din ako, kaya hindi kami nagkauusap. Kamakailan lang siya nangumusta pero hanggang do'n lang. Pa-minsan-minsan lang din siya banggitin ni Cloud.

"I'm surprised to see you, Tana. Huling kita ko sa 'yo... sa TV."

I let out a small chuckle. At least, they share a bit of humor.

Ang pagkakikilala ko kay Kuya Thunder—hindi palabiro.

"Nabanggit nga rin pala ni Cloud... the arrangement between you and the band." He looked up from his plate.

Nagkalakas-loob ako na bawasan ang pagkain na inorder niya. It's a dark chocolate cake.

"Ah, yes. Mga ilang buwan na rin."

He nodded and chewed his food.

He almost shared the same build with Cloud. Siguro ay mas matangkad nang kaonti si Kuya Thunder. May ilang features lang na naiiba—ilong, hugis ng panga, ang kadiliman ng mata, at ang gupit ng buhok.

We were silent for a while. Tanging kalansing lang ng kubyertos ang pumailanlang sa 'ming dalawa, bukod pa ang boses ng mga tao sa paligid.

"What are you up to, Tana?"

My hand froze, then I shivered.

"What?" I acted composed. Wala naman siyang ibang ginawa kun'di maghiwa ng croissant niya.

Itinuro niya ang paper bag na nasa tabi ko gamit ang tinidor. "Choice of book. Wala lang? Trip mo lang magbasa n'yan?"

He sounded casual, but I don't know why it sounded unnerving.

"A... new project." Nagdadalawang-isip pa ako kung sasabihin pero nailabas ko na mula sa bibig ko.

"Missing person?" He looked interested as he spoke. Nakataas pa ang dalawang kilay, ang buong atensyon ay na sa 'kin.

"Oo, pero naghahanap pa ako ng i-re-research."

Ang pagtagal ng titig niya sa 'kin ay nagpahiwatig ng ibang bagay.

This felt familiar—like I had this feeling recently, but this was confusingly straightforward.

Somewhere near... somewhat recent...

Kay Yuan.

Iyong edad.

Nilakasan ko na ang loob. "Do you know someone—"

"I don't know someone who's missing, but I do know someone who needs help."

Nangunot ang noo ko. "Help?"

"Searching for a person." Hindi ako makakain nang maayos dala nang narinig. "They didn't ask me for help. It's interesting kaya palihim akong naghanap. I have a lead and countless connections, Tana. I can give you both if you like."

He drank from his coffee and wiped the side of his lips. "Or I can give you everything and you report it. I'll be your ghost supplier."

Bigla akong naguluhan.

What was he up to? He was different from when he approached me earlier. May gusto ba siyang makuha mula sa 'kin?

Parang delikado ang pagsama ko sa kan'ya rito.

I acted unaffected, but I was so confused.

Napansin niyang nakatitig lang ako kaya umismid siya. He let out a grin which looked mischievous.

"All right. Those missing persons—they can either be dead or in one place."

Lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko. It's like my anticipation wanted me to draw closer.

Bahagya siyang napangisi bago inilapit ang mukha. "Do you want to know, Tana?"

He gestured me to come closer, motioning that he'll whisper. I obliged.

"Araceli. The Estranged Island. That's where you can find lost people."

Bahagyang napaawang ang bibig ko, gulat dahil sa narinig.

Siya naman, umakto na parang walang nangyari. Na parang hindi niya sinabi ang tungkol sa bagay na 'yon na siyang hindi alam ng karamihan.

I don't know if what he's saying is real.

"Totoo ba 'yan?" ang tangi kong nasabi.

Sumandal siya sa upuan at inilagay ang braso sa armrest.

Nanghahamon niya akong tiningnan, nang-iintimida, kung hindi pa naka-iintimida ang pagbukaka niya at paghalukipkip.

"I happened to have a yacht that I can drive to go there, Tana. I can take you there," seryoso niyang sabi, ang dila ay tumutusok sa pisngi. Bahagya ring dumilim ang paningin niya.

Napahugot ako ng malalim na hininga.

Right, even from before, I don't know him. What made me think that his "friendly" approach meant that he was in good terms with me?

Nga lang, wala akong maalala na may atraso ako sa kan'ya.

"Do you want anything from me?"

"No."

"Then what?"

He shrugged and acted as if it was nothing. "Just nothing, Tana. I'm bored. Zarriel and Ishid are not playing with me."

So, you're playing with me instead?

Hindi ko maintindihan. Wala naman akong ginawang masama sa kan'ya, ah?

Kuya Thunder sat across me, comfortable on his seat, while I sat confused in front of him. Kahit na titigan ko siya, hindi ko makuha ang punto ng pakipag-uusap niya sa 'kin.

"I saw you browsing the newspaper earlier. Ipinupunta mo lagi sa missing section. You're struggling a lot. Ayaw mo manghingi sa 'kin ng leads?"

I was about to speak, but I couldn't say anything.

"I can give you news that will be sensationalized, Tana. Gusto mo ba?"

No, this is a trap.

His eyes... mula noong high school, hindi niya ako tinititigan nang ganito. Palaging nanunuyo ang mata niya noon—hindi nanghahamon ng away.

But it's in the past, Tana. A lot of things have changed.

Right... right...

Kasama na ro'n si Yuan.

"Just give me a lead." Might as well utilize his resources. "An interesting and a remarkable clue."

He grinned; it felt dangerous. "Let's see... A map. It's in a map."

Kinunotan ko siya ng noo, hindi makuha ang ipinupunto.

"What map?"

"Ano ba ang ginagamit mo pag naliligaw ka? That instrument utilizes the Earth's magnetic field. Usually, it has a red arrow."

A red arrow? An instrument that utilizes the Earth's magnetic field?

"A lot of kids are missing. Mga anak o kamag-anak ng sikat na artista, mga singer... ano pa ba?"

Could it be...

He studied me as I analyzed his words. But if it meant that he would know what I'm planning to do, I'd rather act naïve than know-it-all.

Bahagya akong napailing. "What are you planning to do?"

"I'm planning nothing, Tana. 'Wag mong i-overthink. I'm helping because I'm bored, the answer is as easy as that."

I sucked a deep breath. Hindi ko yata malunok ang kinakain ko.

"Come on, eat. Sayang naman 'yung inilibre ko," natatawa niyang sabi bago magsimulang kumain ulit.

I knew I lost my appetite, but I forced myself to finish it. Iyong matcha latte lang talaga ang walang pilit kong ininom.

Kuya Thunder didn't talk about it—Araceli, the missing persons, the case that I'm working on, and other related things—until we finished eating.

Ngunit bago kami magpaalam sa isa't isa ay ipinaalala niya ulit ang tungkol sa bagay na 'yon, ibinabalik ang kabang naramdaman ko dala ng panghahamon sa mata niya.

"I can take you there, Tana."

His words still rang in my mind even when he disappeared from my sight. Malala na yata ang tama ng salita ni Kuya Thunder sa 'kin, palibhasa ay masyadong mabigat.

My heart pounded when I saw a notification from Instagram. I didn't expect that he'll quickly respond.

U123456789T:
Bahay
Pupuntahan mo ko?

I hesitated after I read his reply. Nasa sasakyan ako, pinalalamig ang loob, nagdedesisyon kung ano ang sunod na tamang gawin.

I don't know why I felt the urge to meet with Yuan after my encounter with Kuya Thunder. It's unusual for me for wanting to see him, but maybe I was too bothered with what I knew... or I thought I knew.

Nakita ko nalang ang sarili ko na nagta-type ng reply.

Ako:
Di ko kabisado daan

I was surprised when he sent me directions through Google Maps.

U123456789T:
Wla ka nang rason pra di mgpunta

And here I thought that he does not let people easily into his house? Baka niloloko lang ako nina Zake.

With a sigh, I mindlessly followed the direction on the map—if it was mindless.

Para akong naka-autopilot habang nagda-drive, alam kung kailan aapakan ang preno o ang gas pedal, kahit na wala do'n ang isipan ko. Kung paano ako nakarating nang ligtas at walang bangas ay hindi ko alam.

I just knew that I'm here at Yuan's house, safe and sound. Walang ticket na pangyayari o multa na nalabag.

An old man, around his fifties, greeted and opened the gate for me. Pinapapasok daw ni Yuan ang sasakyan. Kasya ang tatlong sasakyan do'n. Sa kan'ya yata ang naka-park na itim na Mustang.

"Thank you po," bati ko nang matapos ang pag-park.

Nginitian lang niya ako at tinanguan bago pinuntahan si Yuan sa walkway. Kasama niya ang isang matandang babae, mukhang kasing-edad ng nagbukas sa 'kin ng gate. May hawak silang maliit na bag.

"O, sige po, mag-ingat po kayo. Ayan na rin po ang taxi," magalang na sabi ni Yuan, may maliit na ngiti sa labi. Sinamahan niya sa gate habang may hawak na pera.

Hindi ko na ni-lock ang sasakyan dahil naka-park naman sa loob.

"Sino 'yon?" tanong ko nang makabalik siya.

"Sina Ate Susan." Sinulyapan niya ang garahe. "Territory?"

I nodded. "Masyado akong nalalakihan kung yung Everest ang kukuhanin ko."

"Want to try my Mustang next time?"

"You'd let me?" Tinagpo ko ang tingin niya; may naramdaman akong kakaiba sa dibdib.

Baka dahil mukha siyang mabait ngayon—bagsak ang buhok at bahagyang mapungay ang madalas na matalim na mata. Isama pa na pinagmukha siyang anghel ng puting pantaas at gray na cotton shorts.

Right, maybe because he looked good today. I'd give that to him.

And the sun is already setting. Baka lalo iyong nakadagdag.

"Anything for you, Thomasina."

Napaiwas ako ng tingin nang maramdamang humigpit ang hawak ko sa key fob. Ibinulsa ko nalang, takot na masira.

I followed him towards the entrance to his house. Nasulyapan ko pa ang pulsuhan niya nang tinulak niya ang pinto.

His hand looked big and sturdy against the door. His nails are also cleanly cut.

"Sorry," I murmured when I tripped on the small rise of elevation. His hand was warm when it held mine.

Hindi niya suot ang bracelet.

Yuan is so close I could feel his breath fanning my forehead. Hawak-hawak niya pa rin ang isang kamay ko, habang ang isang kamay niya ay nakadantay sa bewang ko.

What's going on and how did that happen?

"Yuan..." I called when his warmth felt extremely close. Hindi ako mapakali dahil paghinga lang niya ang naririnig ko pati na rin ang malakas na tibok ng puso ko.

I could feel his stare at me, but for some reason, I couldn't keep up with it. Parang may nagwawala sa dibdib ko—isang bagay na bahagyang bago sa 'kin. Ngunit inilalaya ko ang sarili mula sa mga bagay na nakagugulo.

Ibinaon ko nalang sa dibdib ang kakaibang nararamdaman.

He licked his lower lip before he let go of my hand. His hand on my waist slid on my lower back.

"Kumain ka na? Gusto mong carbonara? Nagluto si Ate Susan."

"Naka-on ba aircon mo? Ang init," reklamo ko, lumalakas ang tibok ng puso.

"May sakit ka ba?" I was taken aback when he touched my cheek. Tsaka ko lang natagpo ang mata niya nang magkalebel na. "Bakit ka pa nagpunta rito kung may sakit ka? Namumula ka, Tana."

Umiling ako at hinawi ang kamay niyang nasa pisngi ko. "Mainit sa labas."

"Your car is airconditioned."

"Pahiram ng tsinelas," pag-iiba ko ng usapan, hindi na natutuwa sa nararamdaman. Inabala ko nalang ang sarili sa pagtanggal ng sapatos at pagsuot ng tsinelas.

He chuckled and removed his hold on me. Dumiretso siya sa kusina na siyang ikinaluwag ng dibdib ko. May naalala naman akong kakaiba nang makaupo sa bar counter.

Last time I went here, I aided Yuan when he was drugged.

"Oo."

Nangunot ang noo ko nang sumagot siya. Sinilip niya ako, ang isang kamay ay may hawak na plato ng pasta.

"You were talking out loud," saad niya bago bumalik sa ginagawa.

What is wrong with me?

I didn't speak and stared at his back, afraid that I'd say another thing. Nangunot lang ang noo ko nang makita ang kulay green na box sa tabi ng coffee maker niya.

"Matcha?"

Sinulyapan niya iyon pagkatapos maglapag ng plato sa harapan ko. "I said I'd try it. Di ko matyempuhan, baka masayang."

"Bakit isang box na agad binili mo?"

He shrugged and went to get a cup. Nakasandal siya sa counter at nakahalukipkip, nakaharap sa 'kin, habang hinihintay na uminit ang tubig.

"Magtimpla ka, titikman ko."

"Kaka-matcha ko lang kanina."

Naningkit ang mata niya. "With who?"

"Kuya Thunder."

He tsk-ed. "I heard he liked you before."

"Chismis lang 'yon," I defended.

"Do you like him now?"

Kung may iniinom lang ako ay baka naibuga ko na.

"No."

He tsk-ed again.

There was a subtle smile on his lips when he turned around to pour hot water on the cup. Nang matapos siya sa ginagawa ay lumapit na sa 'kin, bitbit ang dalawang baso.

Nagtimpla nga siya ng matcha.

"What are your plans for today, Tana?" tanong niya habang hinahalo ang carbonara.

"Sleep," I said before I took a bite. It's a creamy tuna carbonara that's a bit spicy, which is what I like. Makapagluto nga ulit ng gan'to pag-uwi sa unit ko.

"Then, why did you visit me?"

Natigilan ako sa pag-ikot ng pasta sa tinidor.

"Natigilan ka yata."

Napa-angat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

He looked at me with pure curiosity in his eyes—which was new. He used to look me with a glare and just a hint of something different, but today, he gave it all.

May kakaiba ngayong araw. Hindi lang sa 'kin, kun'di pati na rin sa kan'ya.

"Makikikain lang ako."

"But you just said that you just ate," he said in a matter-of-factly tone.

I bit a bit of my tongue when my lies slipped. Magaling akong magsinungaling noon, pero bakit ngayon—pagdating kay Yuan—ay pumapalya ako?

"It's just a cake."

"Sabihin ko ba kay Kuya Thunder na nagrereklamo ka?" Naka-angat ang gilid ng labi niya.

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. "Wala ka bang ibang gagawin kun'di mambwisit sa 'kin?"

He chuckled as he twirled the pasta around his fork. "You're the one who visited me, Thomasina."

"Then, I'll just leave—"

"Stay," mabilis niyang sabi, seryosong nakatingin sa 'kin. "Ubusin mo 'yan."

Hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa at kumain na lang.

Why did I even want to see Yuan, anyway? Nakita ko na ngang hindi niya suot iyong bracelet kaya bakit nandito pa 'ko?

"Wala ka bang gagawin?" tanong ko.

"Meron."

"Aalis na ko—"

"I'm keeping you company." 

My heart thumped loudly again. It beat louder when he stood up and sat beside me.

Nakaharap ako sa counter habang nakaharap siya sa 'kin, ang isang kamay ay nakatukod.

I couldn't believe myself when I shivered when he touched the tip of my hair.

"Hindi ka na talaga magpahahaba ng buhok?"

"Hassle."

"It's fine, I can still grip it just fine."

"What did you say?" Pumaling ako sa kan'ya, tinatagpo ang kan'yang tingin. "What are you thinking?"

Bumaba ang kamay niya sa likod ko. "I'm thinking about nothing. Kumain ka na d'yan, unless gusto mong subuan kita?"

"Shut up."

Hinila niya ang plato mula sa pwesto niya at ipinagpatuloy ang pagkain. Nang matapos kong inumin ang matcha ay siya namang pag-abot no'n, uminom sa pwestong ininuman ko.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nahalikan mo na ko, Tana. There's nothing new with this."

I can't believe this man. May mali talaga sa kan'ya ngayong araw!

Hindi na ko nakipagtalo pa at inubos nalang ang carbonara.

"Ah, masarap kasi ininuman mo na."

"You're disgusting!"

He rolled his eyes as he chuckled. "At least hindi ko na sinabing damo."

After we finished eating, he dragged me to his home recording studio. Its theme was black and had a lot of soundproofing on the walls. Dim lights ang ilaw niya, at may mga instruments na nakapwesto sa lamesa.

He made me seat on the black leather couch while he sat on his swivel chair. May kinalkal muna siya sa box na malapit sa kan'ya, ang tunog ng papel ay pumailanlang sa paligid.

"Do I have to leave?"

"Why do you always want to leave me, Tana?" inis niyang tanong, masama ang tingin sa 'kin.

"I'm..." Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "Hindi ka ba mag-re-record?"

"No, I just want you to keep me company."

"Hndi ka kakanta?"

He looked away and put his tongue against his cheek. He contemplated for a while before he looked at me.

"Hindi ako kumakanta sa mga kulob na lugar, Thomasina."

Kinunotan ko siya ng noo. Hindi kumakanta sa mga kulob na lugar?

"Pa'no ka nakapag-re-record ng part mo sa kanta?"

"It's different when I'm alone. Kasama ko sina Cloud kapag nag-re-record, hindi ko kayang mag-record mag-isa. That's why I dragged you here."

"I don't get it."

Nagpakawala siya ng hininga. Mukha siyang hirap na hirap sa susunod na sasabihin.

"I don't like my voice, Tana. I hate it."

Then why where you still singing?

He looked at me as if he wanted me to ask him about it—to let him know that I was interested in hearing his story.

But like any other times where I had the opportunity to seek past through their question, I let it pass.

"I see," was my reply.

It's too invasive, Tana.